HUMOUR
JUST HOW GOOD IS USAIN BOLT?
Jamaica’s Usain Bolt swamps his opponents. Mentally and physically, he towers over them. The sport wonders how a man can accelerate a giant frame so swiftly. Coaches, physiologists and geneticists argue about a body which makes a mockery of all the old conventional beliefs about sprinting. How does he defy universal laws of physics? Some argue he’s just a freak; some argue his body is the prototype for the third millennium athlete. Is he a genius or has the genius been coached into him? Everyone has a view and nobody really has a clue. And does Bolt agonise over his gift? Does he heck! “Everyone analyses it to death,” says Ricky Simms, his agent, “but Usain just goes out and runs. And when he races, he leaves everybody else for dead.” Let’s analyse his technique:
He is amazingly relaxed at all times. Bolt’s compatriot Don Quarrie (the 1976 Olympic 200 metres champion) says that Bolt has revolutionised the sport by understanding and harnessing the power of relaxation. “Call rooms used to be war zones populated by macho, posturing sprinters,” says Quarrie. “Now they have Usain laughing and mucking around chasing spiders, and making everyone laugh.”
Bolt’s father Wellesley reveals that both he and Usain’s mum Jennifer were fine 200 and 400 metres runners as children so perhaps the gift is in the genes. Bolt may have the ACTN3 gene, also known as the ‘speed gene’ which allows the body to produce a specific muscle protein that aids sprinting. Biomechanics experts suggest Bolt helps maintain energy efficiently near the end of a race because of his ‘dorsiflexion’ - the way his feet flex towards his shins while racing, thus ensuring his heels do not stay too close to the ground.
Coach Glen Mills says one of Bolt’s technical problems was originally having his shoulders and head back so they sat behind his centre of gravity. A slight technical adjustment means his feet spend less time in the air and now he does not over-stride.
At 1.96 metres or 6 feet 5 inches, there has never been a world-beating sprinter of Bolt’s height. He breaks the laws of physics, which tell us that it takes more energy to move a larger body than a smaller one. A study by the ‘Journal of Sports Science & Medicine’ had previously shown champion sprinters ranged between 1.75 to a maximum of 1.90 metres (5’9” to 6’3”) in height but Bolt has broken the mould, proving you do not have to be of compact build to generate rapid leg turnover.
The core of Bolt’s sprinting strength is his upper body and back. Once his shoulders would roll up and down because his central core had no strength, and it made him more prone to injury. Now, according to Simms, hours of work to bolster his back, stomach and hips allow him to hold an efficient sprint position for longer.
The astonishing length of Bolt’s spidery stride is seen as a massive advantage, enabling him to cover 100 metres in 41 strides compared to the average world class sprinter’s 43 to 45 strides. Yet Mills had to work on shortening it, enabling Bolt to improve his stride rate and become more technically efficient. 
One of the reasons Bolt has such a long but efficient stride, according to Mills, is “because he lifts his knees so well.” He drives those knees up and down so powerfully that his speed in a 100 metres race between 40 and 80 metres, when he reaches full velocity, is unmatched anywhere in the world. At the World Championships in Berlin last August he covered the ‘middle’ 100 metres (between 50 and 150 metres) of the 200 metres final in an awesome 8.84 seconds en route to clocking 19.19 seconds for the full distance. His opposition, all world class sprinters themselves, finished a world behind. Bolt is still young (born on 21 August 1986) and therefore has time to break his records again several times in the next four years. He says he is also interested in tackling the Long Jump and may even race over 400 metres again before he retires – he used to run the distance as a teenager, clocking 48.4 seconds at the age of 14 and an astonishing 45.2 at age 15. Don’t bet against him becoming the first man in history to long jump 9 metres and run below 43 seconds for one lap of the track. Usain Bolt has re-defined world class sprinting.
DISCONTINUED OLYMPIC SPORTS Live pigeon shooting THE 1900 Olympics in Paris featured this murderous sport. Birds were released, one at a time, some 50 metres in front of a competitor armed with a 12-gauge shotgun, and the marksman continued to blow birds out of the sky until his second miss. Belgian Leon de Lunden eventually killed 21 winged rats to win from Maurice Faure of France (20 kills), with Donald McIntosh (Australia) and Crittenden Robinson (GBR) tying for the bronze medal with 18 each. Nearly 400 pigeons were slaughtered, making the event a great favourite with pest control advocates, but causing much complaint from the cleaner’s union: the venue was splattered with blood, feathers and dead birds, with injured ones flapping about in agony. This scene distressed many spectators, so from the London Games in 1908 onwards, live pigeons were replaced by clay ones.
Duelling Pistol Shooting AT the Stockholm Games in 1912, marksmen attempted to recreate the mythical Wild West. Competitors armed with 9mm pistols shot at mannequins dressed in frock coats placed 30 metres away, aiming for a bull’s eye at the throat of each dummy. Appropriately enough, Alfred Lane (USA) won gold with a score of 96. I regret to state that I have as yet to work out exactly how the event was scored.
Plunge for Distance THIS odd section of the aquatic disciplines was introduced at the 1904 Games in St Louis, USA. Competitors began with a standing dive; then remained motionless – underwater – for one minute. The longest distance recorded without any attempt to move the arms or legs won the event. American William Dickey took the gold medal with a ‘Plunge’ of 19.05 metres.
Tug of War
THE Tug of War was held at every Olympics from 1900 to 1920, and was part of the ancient Games from 770BC. In the modern Games, teams of eight attempted to pull their opponents by a measure of 6 feet (1.83 metres). If neither team had achieved this after five minutes, the team that was judged to have pulled the most was declared the winner. Controversy raged at the 1908 Games at London’s White City Stadium, where a team of Liverpool policemen turned up shod in iron boots so enormous and heavy that they could barely lift their feet off the ground. Amid bitter and intense rivalry between the USA and GBR at these Olympics, the American TOW team protested very loudly about this, only to have all appeals rejected by home city officials. After the USA withdrew in angry protest, Britain’s ‘A’, ‘B’ and ‘C’ teams went on to sweep all the medals on offer.
HOW TO ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION
Larry King: “Have you ever felt yourself in danger of being killed?”
‘Dog’ the bounty hunter: “Do you mean physically or career-wise?”
(Larry King Live, CNN)
CELEBRITY QUOTE
“You have appeared completely nude in some of your films. Was that hard?” (Jonathan Ross to Ewan McGregor, BBC)
NURSING HOME AT SEA
This is an interesting way to go. It's not all as glamorous as outlined below, but interesting nevertheless. Check out the item below, and then see what Snopes has to say in confirming that the scenario is quite real. http://www.snopes.com/travel/trap/retire.asp Here is the story:
‘About two years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.
I asked our waiter who she was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises?”
She replied, “Yes, that's quite true”.
I stated, “I don't understand”, and she replied, without a pause, “Well, it's cheaper than a nursing home, you know.”
‘So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess C2 Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and a senior discount
price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 (2,210 baht) a day for such items as the following:
1) Gratuities which will only be $10 (340 baht) per day.
2) I can eat as many as ten meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3) Princess has as many as three swimming pools; a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4) They have free toothpaste and razors, soap and shampoo.
5) They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6) I will get to meet new people every seven or 14 days.
7) Television set broken? A light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologise for the inconvenience.
8) You get clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9) If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
‘Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, China, Thailand, India and Africa? Just name where you want to go and some major cruise line company will have a ship ready to take you there.’
Now that is a retirement home to work towards. Hope you are not prone to seasickness.
ROOM RATES
A lone traveller checked into a Bangkok guest house on Sukhumvit soi 4, paying in advance for a week’s stay. The nightly rate was 1,000 baht for one person and 1,500 baht for two. The guest paid the rate for two persons for seven nights.
“Where is your wife or partner, sir?” asked the clerk at reception as she took the cash and reserved the room for one week.
“She will be checking in with me later”, replied the man. “I will be in Nana Plaza and Soi Cowboy tonight, visiting a few bars where I will be interviewing several prospective applicants for the post.”
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