Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

SOME WISE and interesting people have commented on the human habit of drinking alcohol. Here are a few quotes (courtesy of Gary Jones and ‘Australian Beer Yarns’, Harper Collins):
“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her!” (W C Fields).
“He was a wise man who invented beer”. (Plato)
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and find out that that is the best that they are going to feel all day.” (Dean Martin)
“You’re not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” (Joe E Lewis)
“The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they are sober.” (William Butler Yeates)
“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.” (Anonymous)
“A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle.” (Jonathan Swift)
“The answer to life’s problems are not at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.” (Homer Simpson)
“The difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that a drunk does not have to attend all those boring meetings.” (Arthur Lewis)
“Beer is the proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” (Benjamin Franklin)
“Always do sober what you said that you would do whilst drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” (Ernest Hemingway)
“The problem with the world is that everyone else is a few drinks behind you.” (Humphrey Bogart)
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” (Henny Youngman)
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” (Oscar Wilde)
“I am a drinker with writing problems.” (Brendan Behan)
“I drink to make other people interesting.” (George Jean Nathan)
“I know that I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.” (Robert Benchley)
“They who drink beer will think beer.” (Washington Irving)
“I once spent five million dollars in three years - I spent some of it on women, gambling and drinking. The rest of it I wasted.” (Dean Martin - again)

THE BATTLE of Actium was a decisive naval engagement fought off the promontory of Actium in 31 BC between a Roman fleet under Octavian (later emperor Augustus) and a combined Roman-Egyptian fleet under Mark Antony and his lover Cleopatra. The latter had a son by her former lover, Julius Caesar, who had been assassinated by Roman senators in 44 BC. This sea battle represented the culmination of the rivalry between Mark Antony and Octavian for control of the Roman world. There was some fierce fighting as the two fleets clashed and many vessels went up in flames from fiery missiles fired from sling shots. The outcome remained in doubt until Cleopatra, fearing that Mark Antony had been killed, ordered the Egyptian contingent to withdraw. Most of Antony’s remaining vessels were annihilated by Octavian’s fleet, and Antony barely escaped drowning by swimming ashore when his ship went down. In simple terms, Cleopatra pulled the rug out from under her boyfriend. The two lovers reunited and fled to Alexandria where they both committed suicide as Octavian’s army closed in on the city. Augustus was later hailed as the first emperor of Rome.

TIBERIUS (42 BC - AD 37) was the second emperor of Rome, reigning from AD 14 to 37. He owed his rise to power to his ambitious and scheming mother, Livia, the second wife of Emperor Augustus. In 11 BC Tiberius married Julia, daughter of Augustus by his previous marriage, and in 6 BC Tiberius retired to the island of Rhodes where he devoted himself to study for seven years. When he returned to Rome in 2 AD, Julia had been banished for adultery (she had an insatiable appetite for soldiers and male slaves). Within two years Livia had managed to kill off both grandsons of Augustus by poison, and that paved the way for the adoption of Tiberius as heir to the empire.
When Augustus died in AD 14, Tiberius succeeded him. His reign was at first beneficent, but was later marked by a series of conspiracies and executions. In AD 26 Tiberius left Rome and withdrew to Campania, and the following year to the island of Capreae (modern Capri), leaving Rome under the power of Lucius Aelius Sejanus, prefect of the Praetorian Guard. Tiberius then became very friendly with his nephew (Giaus) Caligula, and adopted him as his successor. When Caligula alerted him to an attempt by Sejanus to seize imperial power, Tiberius mounted a bloody campaign to remove Rome's regent. Hundreds were arrested and executed in the ensuing weeks. When Tiberius died in AD 37, Caligula became emperor and gave full vent to his infamous insanity for the next four years.
Tiberius in his latter years at Capri devoted his retirement to the pursuit of his lusts, which included young children. He would often use slave children as live targets for archery practice. Caligula often visited him there, and they sometimes dined whilst watching sporting events and executions. When one of the house slaves let some rare and expensive fish die of starvation in their tank, Caligula suggested a novel and fitting punishment for the man. The poor fellow was bound hand and foot, cut in several places with knives until he bled profusely; and then lowered into a shallow pool of eels, which proceeded to eat him alive. Tiberius and Caligula lay on couches at poolside to watch the entertainment. They ate figs and sipped wine as the screaming victim thrashed about in the water with hundreds of eels sucking at his flesh. Tiberius greatly enjoyed the show and complimented Caligula for devising an execution that showed a certain sense of style. Rome at that time was a powerful and complex society, underscored by savage brutality.

WORLD’S EASIEST quiz: (a) How long did the Hundred Years War last? (b) Which country makes Panama hats? (c) From which animal do we get catgut? (d) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution of 1917? (e) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? (f) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after which creatures? (g) What was King George VI’s first name? (h) What colour is a Purple Finch? (i) Where do Chinese gooseberries come from? (j) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aircraft?
All done? Then check your answers: (a) 116 years; (b) Ecuador; (c) Sheep and Horses; (d) November; (e) Squirrel fur; (f) Dogs; (g) Albert; (h) Crimson; (i) New Zealand; (j) Orange. (How did you score? Not so easy, huh?)

JOHN ANGLICUS was a devout man who lived in the ninth century and gained a reputation for his extensive knowledge of science during time spent in Athens and Rome. He became a Cardinal and when Pope Leo IV died in the year 853, Anglicus was unanimously elected pontiff. As Pope John VIII, he reigned in the Vatican until 855. Whilst riding one day he had to stop at the roadside with stomach pains and, to the astonishment of many onlookers, gave birth to a child. According to legend, the local population was not happy at discovering that their pope was a woman, and stoned both mother and child to death. A rival tale insists that John (or Joan) was sent to a convent to repent and the child she bore grew up to become the Bishop of Ostia. During the 16th century the Catholic Church began to formally deny the story of a Pope Joan. Protestants at the time insisted that all the salacious stories were true. It's quite likely that the whole saga was a convenient piece of anti-papal propaganda.

NESSIE THE sea monster that may lurk in Scotland’s Loch Ness is a legend that goes back nearly 1,500 years. The earliest concrete proof of Nessie’s existence was in 1933. In that year a new road was being built on the northern shore of the loch, providing an unobstructed view of the water. That was exactly when sightings of the monster proliferated. London's Daily Mail newspaper then hired a famous big game hunter named Marmaduke Wetherell to try and find the elusive sea creature. Although Wetherell never saw the beast, he located enormous footprints leading to the water in December 1933. This hoax was exposed when staff at the Natural History Museum examined the tracks, and confirmed that they had been made with a dried hippo's foot - the kind popularly used as umbrella stands in those days. Mr Wetherell refused to comment.
In 1934 an English surgeon named Colonel Robert Wilson was driving along the loch side road when he noticed something unusual stirring in the water. He snapped what has since become a famous photo - said by some to be the slender neck of Nessie taking the morning air. To his credit, Wilson never publicised the image and refused to have his name associated with it. Researchers years later proved conclusively that the being in the snapshot could not have been larger than two or three feet at most. It could even have been a diving bird, hunting for fish. Whatever, the famous Loch Ness Monster has done more for the tourist industry in Scotland than any other single factor.

SOME QUALITY football quotes: “My parents have always been there for me ever since I was about seven.” (David Beckham).
“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we win the league.” (Ronaldo)
“He’s put on weight and I've lost it - and vice versa.” (Ronnie Whelan)
“If you don’t believe that you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.” (Neville Southall)
“I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered that he was out there on the field playing.” (Ade Akinbiyi).
“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.” (Stuart Pearce).
“I've had 14 bookings this season; eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable.” (Paul Gascoigne)
“I’ve never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.” (Alan Shearer)
“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” (Mark Draper)
“You’ve got to believe that you are going to win, and I believe that we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out.” (Peter Shilton)
“I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don’t want to leave Leicester.” (Stan Collymore)
“Without being too harsh on David Beckham - he cost us the match.” (Ian Wright)
“I’m as happy as I can be; but I have been happier.” (Ugo Ehiogu)
“Leeds is a great club, and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.” (Jonathan Woodgate)
“I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me that it was my right.” (Lee Hendrie)
“I couldn’t settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.” (Ian Rush)
“Germany is a very difficult team to play…they had eleven internationals out there today.” (Barry Venison)
“I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened; but I don't know into what religion yet.” (David Beckham)
“The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukranians will be more European.” (Phil Neville)
“All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.” (Mitchell Thomas)
“The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.” (Graeme Le Saux)
“One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I've always done my best.” (Alan Shearer)
“I’d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.” (Johnny Giles)
“I was surprised, but I always say that nothing surprises me in football.” (Les Ferdinand)
“It was as if the referee had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.” (Richard Rufus)
“There’s no in between - you’re either good or bad. We were in between.” (Gary Lineker)
“Sometimes in football you have to score goals.” (Thierry Henry) (Note to our American cousins - “Football” to us British means “Soccer” to you guys)

TELEVISION INTELLECTUAL joke:
“Question - How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer - None, because babies do not possess the motor skills and depth perception to be able to perform such a task.” (Dr Frasier Crane/Kelsey Grammer in “Cheers”. Only therapists and psychiatrists may find this one funny).
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

LATEST DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It’s an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year in reverse order are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma.”

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ’bright’ by his peers.

AND THE WINNER...
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

A Bricklayers Tale

This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he’d have received a "Darwin Award" for sure...

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel Coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby

this month

regulars

stories

free ads

sports

golf

funnies

info

back issues