Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

THE STANDARD American railroad gauge distance (distance between the rails) is set at 4 feet 8Z\x inches (1.44 metres). Now that is an exceedingly odd number. The specification was set by British expatriates, and they built the US Railroads. Why did the British build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. Now the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that odd wheel spacing. If they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in Britain, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.
Now, Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for its legions of troops. Most roads were built in straight lines, so that infantry using them could advance in the quickest possible time. The roads have been used ever since. Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. So, believe it or not, but the standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8Z\x inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Don’t forget that bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a spec. and told, “We have always done it that way”, and wonder what horse’s arse came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the war chariots of Imperial Rome were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses, side by side.
Now here’s the twist to this story: When you next see a Space Shuttle sitting on it’s launch pad, you might notice two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by the Thiokol factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped from the factory to the launch sites. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, which, as you know is about as wide as two horses’ behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s backside. And who would think that being a horse’s arse wasn’t important? (My thanks to Len Agar for this interesting piece of social history).

IN PANCHPARA, India, a 25-year-old man had married his 80-year-old grandmother. “I felt she needed extra care as she is old. I can look after her better as a husband than as a grandson”, said Narayan Biswas. “As a husband, I can be with her all the time”, added Mr Biswas, who farms rice fields and also works as a tutor. The grandmother, her back bent with age, says that she is “happy” with her young husband whom she married in a traditional Hindu ceremony near Panchpara, a village 160 kilometres west of Calcutta. Her first husband died more than 30 years ago. (Reuters)

VIRGIN ATLANTIC Airways has scrapped plans to install bright-red urinals shaped like women's open lips at New York’s John F Kennedy International Airport. They had been many complaints saying that the concept was offensive. “Virgin Atlantic was very sorry to learn of people’s concerns about the design of the ‘Kiss’ urinals to be fitted into our clubhouse at JFK airport”, said Virgin spokesman John Riordan in a statement.
Mr Riordan said that the British company had received several dozen complaints from people and groups, including the National Organisation for Women (NOW) after its plans had been made public. “I don’t know many men who think that it is cool to pee into a woman’s mouth, even a porcelain one,” stated NOW president Kim Gandy on the group’s website.

HOW MANY of your golf fanatics know that the Austrian-born German dictator Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) was an avid golfer? As allied forces stormed the Normandy beaches on 6 June 1944, not even general Jodl dared to disturb the Fuhrer to tell him the bad news. The great dictator was out on the links. It was Hitler’s custom to take a round of 18 holes at his favourite course near Munich, Bavaria. He always played alone and did not need a caddy as he carried only three clubs: one for teeing off, one for the rough, and a third for putting. Only a handful of trusted advisers were aware of Hilter’s passion for the game. But Adolf was no great player and there are no official photos of Hitler the hacker in golfing action. By the time the Fuhrer got back to the clubhouse after several hours of play, the famous D-Day landings were well underway in German-occupied France. For the Nazis, it was the beginning of the end.
Hitler once confided to his aide Martin Bormann that he had been told by a fortune teller in 1920 that his place in history would be assured only after he achieved a hole in one. Bormann duly noted this odd piece of trivia in his diary. This explains why Hitler often disappeared from all official functions for many hours - he was out there, trying his best to hit that elusive hole in one; and it is to his credit that he refused to cheat on his score card. But Hitler’s place in world history (or infamy) was achieved years before his death by suicide in a Berlin bunker on 30 April 1945. He was 56 years and 9 days old when he died by his own hand.

QUOTES: “Life is something that happens to you when you are just sitting around waiting for your ship to come in.” (Noel Scott Engel/Scott Walker)

“My wife is so lazy she thinks that Clean ing and Cook ing are two cities in China." (Bob Hope)

COCA-COLA has taken extreme measures to keep secret the formula of its flagship product. At one time, only two company executives knew the secret formula and each one had only one half of the ingredients. It was a well designed publicity stunt, but there is really no reason to keep the recipe secret. Anyone who could reproduce the drink could not market it as Coca-Cola, and without the brand name, it was next to worthless. Also, one of the ingredients, decocanised flavour essence of the coca leaf, is extremely difficult to bring into the USA. Nowadays, only one New Jersey plant possesses the permit to import the leaves and remove the cocaine from them. The mystique about Coke’s formula goes back to the 1920’s when director John Woodruff took the only known copy of the written formula from a New York bank, where it was being held as collateral on a sugar loan, and placed it in a safety deposit box in Atlanta, the company HQ. The company then set a policy the nobody could see the formula without written permission, together with a rider that only two company officials would be allowed to have the recipe at the same time. In 1993, an American magazine published a list of what may be “the real thing”. The ingredients are citrate caffeine, vanilla essence, coco extract, citric acid, lime juice, sugar, water and caramel. After boiling, orange, cinnamon and coriander are added and the mixture is left to stand for 24 hours. So now you know.

POLITICAL QUOTES: “I predict that you will, step by step, be sucked into a bottomless military and political quagmire.” (General Charles de Gaulle to John F Kennedy regarding Vietnam in May 1961. From “The Ten Thousand Day War”, by Michael Maclear).
“Cambodia? They can’t get me on that. The President can bomb anyone he likes.” (Anthony Hopkins as Richard Nixon in “Nixon”, 1995).
“President Bush has dug himself into a Middle East Vietnam as the military and political situation in Iraq spirals out of control. It must be obvious even to him by now that people resent being bombed into liberation. But of course he is too arrogant to ever admit that.” (Senator Edward Kennedy, April 2004).
“Frankly, I’m fed up with politicians in Washington lecturing the rest of us about family values. I want an America where family values live in our actions, not just in our speeches.” (Bill Clinton in a Democratic Party convention speech in 1992).

MOVIE QUOTE: “You're just a tourist with a typewriter, Barton; but I have to live here. Don’t you understand that?” (John Goodman as Charlie Meadows/Mad Man Karl Munt in “Barton Fink”, 1991).

A CONVERSATION in the Beckham household. David B: “Ere, Posh. I fink somfink’s wrong wif me. I keep seeing spots in front of me eyes.”
Victoria B: “That don’t sound too good to me. Have you seen a doctor?”
David B: “Nah. Just spots.”

DESPITE WARNINGS from his guide an American skiing in Switzerland fell, uninjured, into a deep crevasse. Several hours later a rescue party found the yawning pit. One of the search party shouted down to the stranded skier, “We’re from the Red Cross!” “Sorry!” The American shouted back, “I already gave at the office!”

IN PREHISTORIC times, cavemen had a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. When modern men go through the same ritual, they call it Golf.

A FARMER was once asked what time he went to work in the morning. “Son,” he replied to his young interrogator, “I don't go to work in the morning. I’m surrounded by it when I wake up!”

THE FIRST REALLY effective cure for dandruff was invented by a Frenchman. He named it the guillotine.

davidcox@loxinfo co.th

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he’s 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail.

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