Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*WILLIAM JOHN CAVENDISH Bentinck Scott, the fifth duke of Portland was one of Britain’s most famous eccentrics. Born in 1828, he lived in Welbeck Abbey in Nottinghamshire in the 1850’s and after a fairly normal life as a young aristocrat, he became an obsessive recluse. And I do mean obsessive. Howard Hughes had nothing on this guy.
The Duke had 24 kilometres of tunnels built below his estate in Welbeck so that he could walk around without being seen by anyone. He was, it seems, incredibly shy of strangers. He also had an underground ballroom built which was never used as he never had anyone to dance with. There was also a huge underground billiards room, although he had no one to play billiards with, and a massive subterranean library. The largest tunnel surfaced close to the railway line at Worksop, enabling him to go to London without being seen. At Welbeck, he would board a black hearse-like carriage drawn by black horses, which would thunder down the tunnel lit by hundreds of gas lights. On arriving at the station he would remain in the carriage which was lifted onto the next goods train to London.
Of course it required many labourers to build these tunnels but they were ordered not to recognise the Duke if they saw him, but to walk past him “as if he was a tree”. The only time he took a walk outside was in the dead of night with a servant walking 35 metres ahead carrying a lantern and under strict instructions not to look back or speak.
At his London house in Cavendish Square he lived most of the time with a big screen placed around the garden and his servants instructed never to approach him. His secrecy sparked rumours of great orgies taking place at his home, but the intensely shy Duke was of course incapable of such bawdy revelry.
Perhaps the only time the Duke found true happiness was the day in 1879 when he was buried six feet under the ground at Kensal Green cemetery in North London. He really was completely alone at last, and with no one ever likely to disturb him. (PostScript, Bangkok Post)
*MOVIE QUOTE: “You’re so deceitful you can’t even ask for water when you’re thirsty. We could tangle spiders in the webs you weave. You are incomplete. The human parts of you are missing. You are as dead as you are deadly.” (Richard I/Anthony Hopkins to his mother Eleanor of Aquitaine/Katherine Hepburn in Goldman’s “The Lion in Winter”, 1968).
*AN 18TH century Chinese traveller, returning to China after a long journey throughout Europe, wrote this description of a piano: “The Europeans keep a large four-legged animal which they can make sing at will. A man, or frequently a woman, sits down in front of the beast and steps on its tail, at the same time striking its white teeth with his or her fingers. Then the creature begins to sing. The singing, though much louder than a bird’s, is pleasant to listen to. The animal does not bite, nor does it move, even though it is not tied down”.
*QUOTES: “If the theory of evolution is correct, we ought to produce some tough and unbreakable pedestrians pretty soon.” (Ben Elton)
“The secret of being miserable is to have leisure time to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure for it is an occupation.” (George Bernard Shaw)
“Hail to the Chief has a nice ring to it.” (John F Kennedy when asked what his favourite tune might be)
“Sometimes the real hero in a film is the person who can sit through it.” (Paul Merton)
“The perils of duck hunting are great, especially for the duck.” (Walter Cronkite)
“I don’t want any ‘yes men’ around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth - even if it costs him his job.” (Movie mogul Sam Goldwyn)
“Leisure is the opiate of the masses.” (Malcolm Muggeridge)
*THE NEW YEAR has in the past begun at many different times. The ancient Egyptians began the year on 21 September; the ancient Greeks on 21 December, and 25 March was the usual New Year’s Day among Christians in medieval times. The Greorgian calendar of 1582 put the New Year on 1 January. This was accepted by Germany and Denmark that year, by Sweden in 1700 and by England in 1752.
*THOMAS ALVA EDISON (1847-1931) once recalled that of all his inventions, the incandescent light was the most difficult. One October evening in 1879 the 32-year-old inventor sat in his laboratory weary from 13 months of repeated failure to find a filament that would stand the stress of electric current. The scientific press, at first politely sceptical, was now openly derisive. Discouraged backers were refusing to put up further funds. Idly Edison picked up a bit of lampblack mixed with tar, and rolled it into a thread. “Thread”, he mused, “thread, thread…carbonised cotton thread.” He had tried every known metal and now this material could be the breakthrough.
It required five hours to carbonise a length of thread. The first one broke before it could be removed from the mould; likewise a second and a third. An entire of spool of thread was used up, and then a second spool. Finally, a perfect filament emerged, only to be broken in an effort to insert it into the vacuum tube. Another was destroyed when a screwdriver fell against it. After two days and nights the filament was successfully inserted. The bulb was made airtight and sealed, and then the current was turned on. Light glowed in the bulb. “The sight we had so long desired to see met our eyes”, wrote the famous inventor. And then Edison, after working continuously for 48 hours, sat for an additional 45 hours - until the light blinked out - gazing intently at the world’s first incandescent lamp.
*MORE QUOTES: “Financing sure has become scientific down through the ages. Do you realise that a money order would have saved the prodigal son the trouble of coming home?” (Woody Allen)
“Little is known about the human conscience, except that it is soluble in alcohol.” (John Mortimer)
“Money is a good thing to have. It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” (Groucho Marx)
“A lottery is a tax on fools”. (Henry Fielding)
“In these high-priced restaurants they ought to have at least one table at which you could starve at reasonable prices.” (Mel Brooks)
“When nations talk of reducing arms, every nation wants the last sword.” (Cicero)
*AT A political party conference a sign had been erected on the speaker’s platform for the benefit of press photographers. It read: “Please do not photograph the speakers whilst they are addressing the audience. Shoot them as they approach the platform.”
*MRS WANDA Nunes from Boston was about to feed her pet Burmese python when the seven foot long (2.13m) snake suddenly clamped onto her arm and leg and started to squeeze. The reptile known as “Moma” was about to get her usual breakfast of two rats, but decided that Wanda might just make a more interesting meal.
Mrs Nunes’ 13-year-old son tried to rescue his mother, but to no avail. Boston Police officers then managed to free Mrs Nunes and put Moma back in her cage. Mrs Nunes stated that the snake is “part of the family” and has no intention of getting rid of it.
*A CLEVER cat from Taiwan showed off his toilet skills on television recently. The cat, named Tiger, hopped onto the front end of a western style toilet seat and after carefully balancing himself, took a dignified dump. Tiger’s owner, Dong Hsiu-yuan, told reporters at her home in central Taichung county that the former stray cat had only recently learned his toilet skills after watching what went on from the bathroom doorway. “If I closed the door, he would meow loudly”, said Mrs Dong. But although Tiger’s new skill is unique for a cat, he has so far shown no interest in flushing the loo.
*A CANDIDATE in recent legislative elections in Indonesia won nearly 800 votes despite having died three months previously. Mirdin Kasim died shortly after the deadline for printing ballot papers had passed, and it was impossible to let everyone in the region know of the unfortunate demise. Kasim was one of 33 candidates contesting the seat.
*THE STATUE of Liberty, located on Bedloe’s Island in New York harbour, is made of bronze. But long exposure to the elements has resulted in the weathered, greenish-grey appearance that it now has. The statue was finished in 1883 and on 4 July 1884 was presented as a gift to the United States from France. In June of 1885, the statue was brought to Bedloe’s Island and assembled in 1886. A public unveiling of this famous monument was held on 28 October 1886.
*CUSTOMER: “Have you anything for grey hair?” Chemist: “Nothing, madam, but the greatest of respect.”
*AS YOU must know, the summer Olympic Games return to Athens, Greece after 108 years this year. The track & field events are being held in the new stadium from 20 to 29 August. American athletes have won every event apart from the 20 and 50 kilometre walks in the history of the modern games. But in those 108 years, there has been only one American winner at 5000 metres (Bob Schul at Tokyo in 1964), 10,000 metres (Billy Mills in 1964), 3000 metres Steeplechase (FBI agent Horace Ashenfelter at Helsinki in 1952), the Hammer (Hal Connolly at Melbourne in 1956); and the Javelin (Cy Young in 1952). And the last American to win the men’s 1500 metres title was Mel Sheppard at London way back in 1908 - that’s a 96 year gold medal drout, fellas!
Note that nearly all the American gold medals in track & field at Sydney four years ago were won by black (African American) athletes. The only white American male to win an individual Olympic athletics gold in the year 2000 was Nick Hysong in the Pole Vault. Interestingly, Americans had won every Olympic vault title from 1896 until 1968, when Bob Seagren won at Mexico City. Then came a 28 years gap without any American wins, involving seven summer Olympics, before Hysong flew over 5.90 metres to beat his African American team-mate Lawrence Johnson on the countback. On the distaff side, Stacy Dragila (USA) won the first ever women’s Olympic Pole Vault title in Sydney, clearing 4.60m, which is 15 feet 1 inch in old money.
*MORE OLYMPIC trivia. The man who placed 5th in the 1912 Olympic Modern Pentathlon was George S Patton. Yes, the very same General Patton who became famous for his aggressive tactics against German forces in Europe during World War 11. George C Scott won an Oscar for his brilliant performance as the swashbuckling Patton in 1970.
American Ray Ewry won no less than 10 Olympic golds in the standing jump events from 1900 to 1908, but as two of them were won at the 1906 Interim Games at Athens, these should be discounted. The incredible sprinter/long jumper Carl Lewis (USA) won nine Olympic gold medals during his stellar career, including two sprint relay golds. To many track experts, Lewis is the greatest and most successful athlete of the 20th century. Finnish distance star Paavo Nurmi also won nine golds, and a record total of 12 Olympic medals between 1920-1928. He also won no less than five gold medals at one Olympics, at Paris in 1924. Lewis won four successive Long Jump golds between 1984 and 1996, equalling the one-event win streak record set by fellow American Al Oerter in the Discus (1956-1968). Note that of all the men’s track & field events, the only one never to have seen a world record at the Olympic Games is the Discus.
Former Tory MP Sebastian Coe has won the most individual Olympic medals (four) by any British athlete in track & field. He is also the only man yet to retain the 1500 metres title, winning at Moscow in 1980 and then again at Los Angeles in 1984. He was elevated to the peerage in 2002. Note that James Lightbody (USA) also won the 1500m in 1904 and 1906, but the latter was at the unofficial Interim Games. Four Britons have won the men’s Olympic 1500 on five occasions - a better record than any other nation in this event. Twenty-three men from only twelve countries have won this title between 1896 to 2000. Perhaps because it is the metric equivalent of the mile race, the 1500 metres has become known as the “Blue Riband” event of the Games.
Among women, the “flying Dutchwoman” Fanny Blankers-Koen has won the most Olympic golds (four) at track & field at one Games. This was at London in 1948, whilst Marion Jones (USA) won five medals at Sydney in 2000 - three golds at 100m, 200m and 4x400m relay and bronze medals at 4x100m and Long Jump. She says that she can top that with five gold medals in Athens this August. Billions will be watching on live television. Tune in and see if she can. Nowadays, women have full parity with the men in all Olympic track & field events, except for the 3000 metres Steeplechase and 50 kilometres Walk, and substituting 100m Hurdles for men’s 110m Hurdles and Heptathlon for the men’s Decathlon.
*DID YOU know that the television rights to the 1956 Olympic Games in Melbourne were sold by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) for just 1,800 US dollars? These days, the Olympic Games is the greatest sporting show on earth, and almost everyone wants to see at least some of it. In Sydney, 44 years later, television networks paid a total of around 5 billion dollars to beam all the action live around the world, thanks to satellite technology. Progress costs money.
*THE WORLD famous movie comedian Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977) was knighted Sir Charles Spencer. When he retired to Switzerland, he was once persuaded to enter a “Charlie Chaplin Lookalike” competition. He placed third.
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

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