Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*CRIME WRITERS often discuss the "perfect murder". This is extremely rare, but chance can bring it about. There was the famous dispatch of Madame Lacour in Arles, Southern France on 6 June 1899. An unidentified bearded six-footer (whom, it was later conjectured, had been the lady's secret lover) walked up to her in a crowded street, soon after her marriage to Colonel Lacour. The killer mortally stabbed her in the back three times, while the Colonel, a small bulldog of a man, bit and hung on to the murderer's right arm. By an amazing coincidence, just as the killer was freeing his arm from the Colonel's jaws and others were rushing to help, a cranky Italian in a nearby house set off by sheer accident an explosive device that he had been tinkering with. The street was immediately turned into a pandemonium of smoke, falling bricks and running people. The explosion killed the Italian anarchist and a flying brick knocked out the game Colonel Lacour. The lady's vengeful lover made his escape during all the confusion - and was never brought to justice. ("Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov, 1959)
*AN OFFICER in the US Naval reserve was attending a conference that included admirals from both the American and the French Navy. At a cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included personnel from both navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English at these conferences rather than you learning to speak French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so that you would not have to speak German."
*SOME GROANERS. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get can repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
He often broke into song because he could not find the key.
A lot of money is tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
*SOME CRICKET quotes: During Australia's last tour of South Africa it was rumoured that Daryll Cullinan had been consulting a psychologist to exorcise the demons that appeared whenever Shane Warne removed his hat. No sooner had Cullinan arrived at the crease than Warne snapped off his hat and snarled, "I'm going to send you straight back to your shrink baby!"
An English county bowler was having surprising success against the great West Indian Viv Richards, who'd played and missed at several balls. Foolishly, the bowler piped up, "Hey Viv! It's red and it's round!" A steaming Richards cracked the next ball into another postcode and then told the bowler, "Hey mon. You know what it looks like - go fetch it!"
Merv Hughes was being Merv, aiming constant abuse at English batsman Robin Smith. But having been told that he "couldn't bat to save his life", Smith smashed a four, then walked down the pitch and told his tormentor, "We make a good pair, don't we? I can't bat and you can't bowl." (Kevin Hall, The Sledge Report).
*FOR ALL of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way that computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry, and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology as the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars costing 25 dollars each that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's caustic comments, General Motors issued a press statement the next day. This stated, "IF GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a year.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows; shut off the engine, then restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this as being quite normal.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall a new engine.
5) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast as any others and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent (5%) of the roads.
6) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single message: 'This car has performed an illegal operation and will shut down.'
7) The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure? Y/N' before deploying.
8) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted a door handle, turned the key and grabbed the radio antenna.
9) Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old vehicle.
10) You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off." (Len Agar).
*THE FIRST man to be stripped of his Olympic titles was the legendary Jim Thorpe (USA), who won the Pentathlon and Decathlon golds at Stockholm in 1912. Thorpe had been paid a trifling amount for playing Baseball for a small-time professional league in North Carolina in 1909/10. When this leaked out, he was deprived of his amateur status and lost his Olympic medals. Amateurism was something that was taken very seriously in those days. But Thorpe was so far ahead of his time that he was voted the top sportsman of the first half of the 20th century by a poll of sports writers. A Hollywood film ('Man of Bronze'), starring Burt Lancaster, was also made about him.
Thorpe was born in Oklahoma on 28 May 1888 with the tribal name of Wa-tho-huck ('Bright Path'), a mixture of American tribal Indian, French and Irish. His grandfather had been an Irish blacksmith, and his grandmother was descended from the great Sac and Fox chief Black Hawk. He quickly became a one-man track & field team at University.
Thorpe won the Stockholm Decathlon with a world record score of 8412 points, and won four of five events in the Pentathlon. He also placed 4th in the High Jump event. After being stripped of his titles, he played professional baseball until 1928 but fell on hard times and ended his life as a broken-down alcoholic in 1953. It was not until 1982 that the International Olympic Committee (under President Lord Killanin of Ireland) finally reinstated Thorpe as a double Olympic Champion - 29 years after his death. British track expert Mel Watman writes, "Of all the athletes whose achievements brought glory to the Olympic Games none was treated so shabbily by the Olympic hierarchy as Jim Thorpe." (History of Olympic Track & Field, 2000).
*AUSSIE SARCASM at it's best. The following questions were posted on an Australian Tourism website, and I suspect that the answers (in brackets) came from an Aussie.
1) Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (It is never windy in Australia. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die).
2) Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (It depends on how much you have been drinking).
3) I want to walk to Perth from Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water).
4) Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (So, it IS true what they say about you Swedes!)
5) Are they any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (What did your last slave die of?)
6) Can you give me some information regarding Hippo Racing in Australia? (Sure, Hippo Racing is on every Tuesday night at King's Cross in Sydney. Come naked).
7) Which direction is North in Australia? (Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send you the rest of the directions).
8) Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (Why? Just use your fingers like we all do here).
9) Can you send me a schedule for the Vienna Boys Choir? (The Vienna Boys Choir sing every Tuesday night in King's Cross, straight after the Hippo Races. Don't forget to arrive naked). (more follows)
10) Do you have perfume in Australia? (No. WE don't stink).
11) I have developed a new product that is the Fountain of Youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (Anywhere significant numbers of American tourists gather).
12) Can I wear high heels in Australia? (You are a male British politician, right?)
13) Can you tell me all the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Yes, in all gay nightclubs).
14) Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (Only at Christmas).
15) Are there killer bees in Australia? (Not yet, but for you, we will import them).
16) Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal).
17) Please send me a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets).
18) I have a question about a famous animal that lives in Australia, but I forget its' name. It is a kind of bear and lives in trees. (It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out in the bush).
19) I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in King's Cross. Can you help? (Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour).
20) Will I be able to speak English in most places I visit in Australia? (Yes, but you will have to learn it first).
*MORE GROANERS. A bicycle can't stand-alone because it's two-tyred.
What's the best definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
*LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON (1908-1973) began to enjoy the trappings of power soon after taking on the American presidency after the assassination of JFK in Dallas in November 1963. On one occasion in 1965, he was departing a military base after giving the troops a rousing speech on the urgent need to hold the anti-Communist line in South Vietnam. LBJ and his entourage walked straight towards a nearby helicopter which was spooling up on its' launch pad. An army officer behind him shouted anxiously, "Mr President! Your helicopter is over there!" The aide pointed towards another bird some 50 yards further on. Johnson turned to him with a smile, and said, "Son, they are ALL my helicopters."
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

Jokes and Groans

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Doc says "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

If you like jokes like these, why not call in to Billy’s Bar, Hua Hin Bazaar.

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