Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*UNINTENTIONAL HUMOUR found on Child Support Agency Forms. The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts.

1) Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim XXXX (surname). I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2.) I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3). I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party on Acacia Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4) I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5) I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Jesus Christ risen again.

6) I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.

7) I do not know who the father of my child was as all sailors look the same to me. I can confirm that he was on a ship berthed at Norfolk .

8) Peter X is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC compact discs?

9) From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney - maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom !

10) So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.

11) I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby - after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (My thanks to Ian Barclay for these gems).

*I WAS surprised to see a lengthy two-part interview with O J Simpson recently on (fascist) Fox News, the unashamedly right-wing news TV channel. However, the famous American football star who was charged with double murder ten years ago was not put under the hammer by Greta Van Susteren. They instead engaged in a cosy fireside chat, similar to the style of Larry King, who never challenges his guests. Maybe I missed it, but I never noted any mention of the fact that Simpson has yet to pay one cent of the 33.5 million dollars in punitive and compensatory damages that he was ordered to pay to the

families of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, the two murder victims, after he lost the civil trial in February 1997.

Now it was surprising that Fox News talked to Simpson, as one of the channel's resident experts is former LAPD Detective Mark Fuhrman, one of the men who investigated the murders, which took place at Nicole's Bundy residence on 12 June 1994. Simpson's senior attorney Johnnie Cochrane, you may recall, demonised Fuhrman during the 1995 criminal trial. The policeman was termed a "racist cop", and vilified by much of the media. Furhman is still convinced that Simpson is guilty of double murder, and thus he and Simpson are not exactly on each other's Christmas card lists. No doubt Fox News will claim that talking to Simpson whilst retaining Furhman shows a fine sense of balanced reporting. The company motto is, "We report. You decide."

A very relaxed Simpson told viewers that he had been "tried by the media", and not allowed his full civil rights. He also said that he has, after ten years, finally given up his repeated attempts to find the real killers and bring them to justice. I suspect that he has looked everywhere except in the mirror.

*AS A fan of sword and sandal epics, I was very impressed with the May 2004 release of ' Troy ', a costly (200 million dollars) account of the siege of Troy in 1193 BC, taken from Homer's fable 'The Iliad'. Brad Pitt makes a fine and heroic Achilles and Peter O'Toole (King Priam of Troy ) and Brian Cox (King Agamemnon) are reliable as ever. The period detail and battle scenes are excellent, though there is one serious flaw: how do these movie Greek warriors, with 1,000 ships and over 50,000 men, expect to take the huge walled city of Troy without sling shots, siege engines or battering rams? According to Homer, the siege of Troy lasted a decade. In the movie, it seems to take two weeks!

Especially gripping is the scene when Achilles and his Myrmidons take the beachhead at Troy . Fifty well trained mercenaries against 2,000 Trojans becomes a one-sided contest in favour of Achilles and his veterans, who are seasoned warriors up against city boys who had never before been in combat. And there is one memorable quote from Odysseus (Sean Bean): "War is old men talking and young men dying." In spite of its flaws, ' Troy ' is well worth watching.

*MOVIE QUOTE: "I see them in my dreams - the men that I have killed. They are waiting for me beyond the river Styx . They say, 'Welcome, brother'." (Achilles/Brad Pitt in Troy , 2004).

*MY ONLY Beef with satellite TV (UBC) here is that the movie channels are "edited for content"; which means that they are censored. I can understand this being done for 'family entertainment' flicks shown during the day, but it is surely unnecessary to hack scenes from late night 'adult' films. This can also confuse viewers. One example: in the 1988 Roman Polanski movie 'Frantic' (a Hitchcock tribute), Harrison Ford is in one scene offered cocaine by a Parisian drug dealer. The latter takes 'Doctor Richard Walker' (Ford) into a caf? toilet cubicle for this purpose. But in the edited version, we are not shown the cocaine, just the two men going into a toilet cubicle together. Anyone who has not seen the uncut version of the film will be asking themselves, 'Now what is going on here? Has our Harrison turned gay?' And a sanitised version of 'Scarface', starring Al Pacino, is just laughable. Brian de Palma's gangster epic is remarkable precisely for its continuous use of profane and colourful language as 'Tony Montana' (Pacino) rises to power in Miami 's criminal underworld of the 1980's. In the edited version, all the swearing, hence all the realism and dark humour, has been cut. My advice is that if you wish to experience the full power of controversial films like Oliver Stone's 'Born on

The 4th of July', 'Trainspotting' by Danny Boyle or 'Sid and Nancy' by Alex Cox, then don't bother with edited satellite or cable versions - watch them on DVD.

*QUOTE. "Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others." (Ambrose Bierce).

*AS THE golfer trudged towards the 19th hole at the Royal Melbourne, he muttered, "That was my worst game ever." His caddy walking behind him replied, "You mean you've played before?"

*WHAT DO call a lady who can suck a golf ball up a garden hose? Darling.

*THERE ARE two squashed corpses on the Hume Highway . One is a dead possum, the other a dead politician. What's the difference? There are skid marks before the possum.

*IF AN intelligent politician, an intelligent woman and the Easter Bunny got into a lift (an elevator to our American cousins) and discovered a ten dollar note lying on the floor, who would pick it up? The intelligent woman, of course. The other two don't exist.

*WHAT HAPPENS to a lawyer who jumps out of an aircraft as 35,000 feet without a parachute? Be honest - who really cares?

*SPORTS QUOTE. One of Cuba 's national sporting heroes, heavyweight boxer Teofilo Stevenson, became the first man in his discipline to win three successive Olympic titles. He won decisively with knock-outs at the Games of 1972 ( Munich ), 1976 ( Montreal ) and 1980 ( Moscow ). Only the Soviet-led boycott prevented him trying for a fourth consecutive title in 1984 when the Olympics were held at Los Angeles . During his great career, he repeatedly turned down millions of dollars from American promoters to turn professional. A true patriot and son of the 1958/59 revolution, Stevenson once said, "I would not trade the Cuban people for all the dollars in the world." Old Fidel (Castro) must have loved him for that!

*ONE DAY back in August 1977, Steve Ovett (21) from Brighton went along to the Win Lighters Dartford Half Marathon (13.1 miles) road race to support his training partner, Matt Paterson. When they arrived at the venue, Ovett decided to enter the race for some over-distance training on the road. As he had entered on the race day, he knew that he was ineligible for the first place prize which was a 21-inch colour television set. This did not bother Ovett as he planned to drop out after 10 miles anyway.

But after eight miles of hard racing, he and the local star, Barrington Watson from Cambridge Harriers in Kent, were in front and forging along well ahead of the field. The two men knew each other well, as they had roomed together at the 1976 Montreal Olympics, where Ovett had raced in the 800 and 1500 metres and Watson had represented GBR in the marathon. Now Watson (1.70metres tall and 55 kilogrammes) liked to win road races by out-sprinting his rivals at the finish. He knew however that this tactic would not work against Ovett (1.83m and 70kg), who had great track speed even though Steve was racing well over his best distances. So when they passed the 12 miles mark some 300 yards ahead of the chasing pack, Watson suddenly took off like a startled rabbit, and tried to open up a gap. Ovett just glided along smoothly in his slipstream and countered every subsequent surge that Watson tried. Then, a quarter of a mile from the finish, Ovett changed gears and blew past the shorter man, striding away to win easily in 65 minutes 38 seconds (1:05:38).

Watson, however, was the official winner as he had entered by post well before the race entry deadline. Watson was duly awarded the television set, whilst Ovett just got a polite round of applause at the presentation ceremony. After the race, as Watson lugged his first-place prize towards his car, he turned to Ovett. "I knew if I left it to a sprint as usual you would beat me", he said. "So I went early, but you covered it and beat me anyway."

Ovett, always ready for a quip, replied. "That's right. It was elementary, my dear Watson!"

*COMMENTARY GAFFE during the 2004 Tour de France cycle race. Paul Sherwen: "This man (Vladislav Ekimov) has set so many world records on the track that they are almost innumerable. How many is it Phil?"

Phil Liggett: "Err, eleven."

*SPORTS QUOTES: "The British are pretty amazing. They love to test themselves in 'Pub Quizzes' because no one can nit-pick like the Brits. I've read their technical manuals on discus throwing, and the detail there staggered me. The entire flight of the implement has been analysed - they can trace the path of the index finger on the throwing hand throughout the entire movement. But not one British athlete can pick up the senior men's (2kg) discus and throw it over 67 metres." (American Mac Wilkins, 1976 Olympic Champion).

"Colin Jackson would be proud of Bustamante's leg action at the break. The Filipino is the only man I know who can part his hair with his toe-nails." (Sid Waddell at 2004 World Pool Championships).

*FOR THE first time in the 25 years history of the William Hill 'Man v Horse' mountain marathon, a two-legged creature has won. Huw Lobb (27) from Bedford became the first runner in the history of the race to beat the horses. On a gruelling 22-miles multi-terrain course, Lobb beat 47 horses with riders and over 300 runners in Llanwrtyd Wells, South Wales on 12 June. Lobb won himself 25,000 pounds sterling (around 1.8 million baht) as he crossed the line first in two hours, five minutes and 19 seconds. Bookmakers William Hill had increased the prize money by a grand each year since the first race in 1980. Now Lobb, who just missed out on selection for the Athens Olympics, says he will use the cash on altitude training trips to Font Romeu, (high up in the French Pyrenees) in a bid to make the British team for the 2008 Olympic marathon in Beijing.

*IN THE BAD old days of 'Shamateurism', when athletes were not officially allowed to be paid, one young British athlete went to Zurich for the annual IAAF Grand Prix meeting. He was unable to get into the 1500 metres showcase event, but was allowed a slot in the 'B' 800 metres race. After he romped home first, a pretty young girl from Flora, one of the event sponsors, stepped up and handed him a bunch of flowers. The excited Briton waved the bouquet over his head a few times, and then hurled it into the mass of spectators. As he walked happily into the bowels of the stadium, his agent approached him. "You shouldn't have done that, son," he said. "You threw away your first place prize money there." An astonished female spectator who caught the bouquet discovered a brown envelope carefully tucked among the binding of the stems. Inside the envelope was 1,200 US dollars in cash.

*THE DEPOSED DICTATOR'S legal team huddled with Saddam Hussein to discuss his upcoming trial in Iraq. "If you are found guilty, you will get the death penalty," one man said gravely. Saddam replied, "I don't care, just as long as David Beckham takes it!"

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

Free Fill Up

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.

The buyer then guessed 8, the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Dubya, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Dubya replied, "No it ain't Billy Bob, it's not rigged, my wife won twice last week."

Thanks Bob!

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