Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*JULIA PASTRANA arrived in London in 1857 after a triumphant tour of the USA . People queued to see this celebrated freak of nature, billed in newspapers as 'The Baboon Lady; the ugliest woman in the world.'

The leaflet produced by her manager, Mr Theodore Lent, prepared the paying customers for what they were about to see. Her mother, it claimed, had been a Mexican Indian who had strayed into a 'country abounding in monkeys, baboons and bears'. Cowboys had found her in a cave, nursing her hairy little daughter, a hybrid of man and ape. The crowds that summer got their money's worth. Julia was 4ft 6ins (1.38m) tall and had a hugely over-developed jaw which gave her an ape-like appearance. Black silky hair sprouted from her head, her chin, her ears and her squat nose, covering all her body except for the palms of her hands and the soles of her feet.

Despite appearances, Julia was kind-hearted, affable and intelligent. She could read and write English, she played the guitar, sang English and Spanish romances in a mezzo-soprano voice, and performed the Highland Fling and other 'fancy dances' on her tiny, graceful feet. After the entertainment, she patiently submitted to examination by spectators - 'Miss Julia is pleased when the Ladies and Gentlemen ask her questions and examine her pretty whiskers, of which she is very proud' read the leaflet.

Other showmen and circus managers competed to put Julia on contract. Mr Lent, worried that his livelihood could be ruined, promptly married her. In 1860 Julia gave birth to their child, a baby girl who was hairy all over and as deformed as she was. The baby died after 35 hours and a heartbroken Julia died five days later.

Theodore Lent was not about to lose his source of income, however. He sold the bodies to a Moscow University professor who embalmed them and put them on show in the city's Anatomical Museum. Seeing how well they had been preserved, Lent bought the bodies back and took them to London, where he exhibited them as mummies - the infant on a pedestal beside Julia, whose body sat in a sedan chair, dressed in her exhibition costume. Lent was well aware of British Victorians' fascination with freaks, and was more than happy to cash in on their morbid interest.

He then started to search for another 'bearded lady' to marry and exhibit. Finding one in Germany in 1863, he married her and put her on stage, pretending that she was Julia's sister. For years they made the lucrative round of European circuses and private performances for royalty, while his mummified first wife looked on with a fixed, glassy-eyed grin. But eventually Theodore Lent went mad, as he fully deserved, and ended his days in a Russian asylum. Nowadays Julia's body is kept in Oslo, Norway under the care of Professor Jan Bondeson, and is no longer on public view. Bondeson dislikes the word 'freaks', preferring to talk about people with 'congenital malformations'. This term is more accurate and more considerate of the human dignity of persons blighted by spectacular deformities. Yet the history of these human oddities has to be viewed through the prism of horror and fascination which their appearance evokes. Many of us today would know better than to believe that Julia Pastrana had been brought up in a cave, half-human, half-ape. She suffered from a condition known as congenital hypertrichosis, a genetic syndrome resulting in excessive hairiness, which may be a throwback to our remote ancestors.

But to the millions of Victorian gawpers who paid to see Julia; she was an awesome sight who gave them an almost pornographic thrill. Since antiquity, freak shows have exploited mankind's half-ashamed curiosity by exhibiting these human anomalies so that a few unprincipled men can make a financial profit. These unfortunates would later be burdened with names like The Bearded Lady, The Seal Boy, The Armless Wonder, The Living Skeleton, The Crocodile Woman, and The Wild Man of Borneo.

The famous John Merrick known as 'The Elephant Man' was exhibited and studied by learned men of the day at London's Natural History museum in 1888. Inflicted from his birth in Leicester in 1862 with Elephantiasis, Merrick's head was so large that he could only safely sleep whilst sitting in an armchair. When he tried to sleep lying down horizontally, he died from a broken neck on 11 April 1890. He was aged just 27. John Hurt played Merrick in a very moving film directed by David Lynch in 1980. (From 'Faces of Courage' by Christopher Hudson, Daily Mail).

*ANTI RACIST HUMOUR. (a) What is the definition of 'confused and agitated'? A white supremacist watching the men's Olympic 100 metres final. (b) What do you call a bigot who does well in an IQ test? A cheat. (c) Why is a racist like a drunk? Because everything he says ends in a slur. (d) Why is a racist like a dog? They both mark out their territory by spraying walls - and always with something offensive. (e) Why do racists always hang around in gangs? So that they can form a dope ring. (f) Why DIDN'T the racist cross the road? Because she was afraid of seeing the other side. (g) Why couldn't the racist get work as a doctor? Because every time he felt bad about himself, he'd try to put someone down. (h) Have you heard about the racist who choked on his yoghurt? Someone told him that it grew out of a foreign culture. (i) Why is a racist like a 'Neighbours' scriptwriter? Because they are both involved in character assassination. (j) Why did the racist punch-out the sophisticated immigrants? Because if you can't join them, beat them. (k) Have you heard about the racist who was terrified of getting culture shock? That's why she only attacked people without power. (l) Why is a racist like a drug runner? Because they are both terrified of foreign customs. (m) Did you hear about the racist who was invited to address the recycling conference? He had a lot of experience in talking rubbish.

*A MAN in Orlando, Florida has been charged with 'alligator assault.' He hit his girlfriend with a one-metre long alligator and threw beer bottles at her during an argument in the couple's mobile home. David Havenner (41) was ordered to be held without bond on misdemeanour charges of battery and possession of an alligator. The animal, which Mr Havenner had been keeping in his bathtub, was turned over to wildlife officials. Nancy Monico (39) told police that Mr Havenner punched her, then grabbed the alligator and swung it at her as she tried to escape his assault. (Bangkok Post)

*HERE'S ONE for you conspiracy buffs. According to the website 'letsroll911.org' an American military aircraft shot down one of the hijacked airliners on 11 September 2001 (known universally as 'nine eleven'). This was on the direct order of President Bush. The crew of Flight 93 out of Boston was overwhelmed by hijackers that morning and the plane diverted to Washington, where the terrorists planned to crash it into the White House. Meantime, earlier hijacked domestic flights had crashed into the World Trade Centre in New York City and into the Pentagon. The website reports that three F16 fighter jets of the 119th wing (known as 'The Happy Hooligans') were scrambled from their base in Langley, Virginia at 9.37am that morning and ordered to track the fourth hijacked passenger airliner. At 9.58am, one of the military pilots - Major Rick Gibney - fired two sidewinder missiles at the captured airliner, and it crashed in a wooded area of Philadelphia. The official story was that the passengers had attempted to seize the aircraft back from the hijackers, and in the ensuing struggle, it had crashed and all those aboard were killed. When you think about it, (assuming flight 93 WAS shot down) that is the perfect cover story, pointing up the heroism of the civilian passengers. The website places no blame on Major Gibney, whom it states was merely doing his duty by carrying out an order that came directly from the president. 'Letsroll911.org' also reports that Congress decorated Gibney for valour in September 2002, a year after the incident. Wait a minute - this man was handed a gong for shooting down a civilian airliner?

President George Walker Bush (58) delights in a macho role, being tough and dangerous; acting out the role of the 'can do' president who likes to kick ass. It's perfectly feasible that he could have given the order to destroy the fourth airliner before it could be flown into the White House. Here is the brutal logic: three planes have been crashed already and thousands killed. The passengers of flight 93 are dead anyway. By taking out the airliner before it reaches Washington we are saving hundreds of other lives in the nation's capital. During the harsh days of 'cold war' communism, this was standard procedure - any passenger jet that had been hijacked over USSR airspace was to be shot down by military aircraft once negotiations had failed. Of course all authorities involved will deny such cynical acts until hell freezes over.

I talked with a retired military pilot about this, and he was emphatic. "I don't think the airliner was shot down", he said, "because all the wreckage was concentrated in one place at the crash site. If it had it been shot down by heat-seeking missiles, at least one engine would have been blown off, and debris on the ground would have been scattered over a wide area, possibly ten miles or so. There is no way that federal authorities could have covered that up. An amazing amount of junk is written on Internet websites these days and then presented as fact. Where is the irrefutable evidence that Flight 93 was shot down? I don't see any." Enough said.

Three years after that terrible terrorist attack on the USA, I suspect that there are still many stories of horror and heroism that remain untold.

*THE FRY-UP breakfast is sacred to the British, as I guess you know, and currently European Members of Parliament are fighting to save it. Apparently chefs at the European Parliament cannot cook with fresh eggs because EU regulations state that they must used powered eggs. Tory MEP Caroline Jackson says, "The scrambled eggs taste like recycled EU documents. Disgusting! And it's absurd." French Euro MP's tend to keep their own counsel on this. Fried eggs on a fried slice of bread with bacon, sausage, fried tomato, chips and baked beans washed down with a steaming mug of char (tea) is not to their taste. There is a famous French expression: "In Hell the cooks are English."

*MONEY QUOTES: "In Thailand money talks, and it usually says goodbye." (Origin unknown)

"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." (J Paul Getty).

"Whoever says that money can't buy happiness does not know where to shop." (Paul Merton)

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may be said to be living apart." (E Cummings)

"If you think that no one cares if you live or die, try missing a couple of payments on your car." (Dudley Moore)

"If you lend someone twenty dollars, and then never see that person again, it was probably worth it." (Gore Vidal)

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it, and then put it back in your pocket." (Bob Hope)

"Money - the one thing that happiness can't buy." (Roger Moore)

"Money can't buy happiness, but it is possible to rent it." (Woody Allen)

"The quickest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any." (Nelson Mandela)

"If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says, 'I'm cheap!'" (Delta Burke)

"Work like you don't need the money; love like you've never been hurt; dance like there is nobody watching." (Unknown)

"If women did not exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." (Aristotle Onassis)

"Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper." (Scottish proverb)

"It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy - it's only necessary to be rich." (Alan Alda)

"You never realise how short a month is until you have to pay alimony." (Jim Davidson)

"I said to my wife, 'What would you like for your birthday? How about a new sports car or a house?' She said, 'No, I want a divorce!' I said, 'Darling, I wasn't thinking of spending THAT much money.'" (Michael Caine in 'Mona Lisa', 1986)

"Money can't buy you friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy." (Spike Milligan)

*THE SECURITY bill for the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens (13 to 29 August) amounted to a whopping 1.5 billion US dollars. It's depressing, but since the 'Black September' Arab-led terrorist attack on the 1972 Games in Munich, security has become a vital factor for any city that bids to organise a future Games. The biggest loss made by any host city was in 1976, where the citizens of Montreal, Canada are still paying for their Olympics with raised local taxes. It will take them 30 years (until 2006) to pay off the cost of hosting the world's greatest sporting festival. After the Games in Moscow (1980) few cities were prepared to take the financial risk, until organising experts turned things around at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics, which made a handsome profit in spite of the Soviet-led boycott. Note that the Games of 1976, 1980 and 1984 were all blighted by political boycotts.

*THE FAMOUS sign high up in the Hollywood hills was first seen in 1923. It originally read, 'Hollywood Land' and cost 21,000 US dollars for local authorities to erect the wooden letters, each 21 feet (6.6 metres) high. Inevitably the first suicide occurred there in 1924, when a distraught starlet threw herself off the letter 'H'. The lettering went through several changes; (the word 'Land' was soon removed) and was almost totally destroyed by termites during the 1950's. The last remake took place in 1978, when new, weatherproof metal lettering was unveiled to the world, at a cost of 700,000 dollars. Various Hollywood stars sponsored a letter each as they hosted fund-raising shows and parties. Burt Reynolds, for one, claims to have a special affection for Hollywood's sign, which must be one of the most photographed tourist sites in the world.

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

Know anyone like these people?

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?... AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS*Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??...An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!...A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??...Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??...A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! ...In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!...Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

New Word Meanings

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank : what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower .

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. [sorry guys!]

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

And last but not least (a real "Good One"): Subdued: ...like a guy,

like works on one of those attack submarines.

The British Government has again been denying that A Levels are getting easier.

The candidates who provided these answers all passed........!

Geography

Q: Explain the process by which water can be made safe to drink?

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink it removes large

pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?

A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body when you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?

A: Premature death

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to a bull instead of a cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow (He got an A)

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (eg abdomen)

A: The body is consisted of three parts - the branium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?

A: Nearby

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'?

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome .

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor

Q: What is a terminal illness

A: When you are sick at the airport

English

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

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