Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*COLOURFUL OLYMPIC commentary and gaffes from the Games in Athens , 2004:

“The opening ceremony was like a rock concert. The only thing missing was Pink Floyd.” (Steve Ovett)

“There is a great advantage to be able to swim inside the legs of the man in front of you.” (David Wilkie)

“This is a very well balanced football match. But of course eventually one side or the other will win.” (Jim Rosenthal)

“Well, that's enough about depressing drug scandals at these Games. I will try and be positive for the rest of this discussion.” (Leann Paulick)

“And now Sepeng takes the lead, absolutely surrounded by other runners.” (Martin Gillingham)

“Yelena Isinbayeva loves to get hold of a stiff pole. Soft ones just mush out – they are no good to her.” (Paul Dickenson).

“Currently taking place is the High Jump Pole Vault; which is part of the Decathlon event.” (Dickie Broberg)

“And there has been a crash somewhere behind the main field of riders; which means that some cyclists have gone down here in the Olympic Velodrome.” (Phil Liggett)

“I was wondering when the Marathon would bite back at Paula Radcliffe. She has breezed through three of them, almost without pain, and perhaps she got a bit blasé about racing 42.2 kilometres. But the Marathon is a cruel distance. It lies in wait for you. And when you least expect it, it suddenly jumps up and bites you in the bum.” (Steve Cram)

“Triathlon is an intensely individual sport, and these guys all compete for each other.” “Bennett is a great fan of giving it to himself, and here he is – giving it to himself.” (Both quotes from Simon Lessing)

“Now let's go over and see what happened in the gold medal Hockey match which was won by Australia against Holland earlier today.” (Leann Paulick)

“Pole Vaulter Giuseppe Gibilisco has a great passion for riding motorcycles, but he's actually afraid to ride them for fear of damaging his legs, so you will never see him on one.” (Martin Gillingham)

“The last time the USA was defeated in the 4x400 metres relay was back in 1980, when the Americans did not compete.” (Leann Paulick)

“This man was not on anyone's lips yesterday. Now there he is - an Olympic bronze medallist.” (Danie Malan)

*PERHAPS SADDEST of all the drug scandals during the Games was the suspension of a female weightlifter from Myanmar who was stripped of her bronze medal. The question has to be asked: where does a simple Burmese peasant woman in a country ruled by a brutal military dictatorship buy her anabolic steroids? The simple answer is that she does not. They are supplied by the state. And she has no choice in the matter of taking them.

*WHILST THE organisers of the Athens Games spent a fortune on security, there seemed to be scant medical backup at times. The silver medallist in the 50km walk, (Denis Nizhegorodov) for example, was in great distress in the closing kilometres of the race. Pale-faced and seriously dehydrated, he was weaving all over the road as he barely managed to put one foot in front of the other. He reached the finish line and collapsed; and no one even handed him a bottle of water. It was fully ten minutes before he was carried off on a stretcher and given medical attention that should have been waiting for him as he finished. Considering the money spent on the Games, this was a disgrace.

This incident reminded me of an occasion at the Seoul Games in 1988 when two female sprint hurdlers crashed into barriers and fell, suffering from torn ligaments and a broken hip. As they writhed in agony on the track, Korean officials stood over them, holding up red flags to signal lane violations! A medical team that tried to get to them was prevented from doing so by stony-faced security men at trackside, who ignored angry shouts from watching media and spectators. These guys were real Jobsworths*, who had not been trained for emergencies like this. They were going to do their job of preventing all but properly accredited people onto the track even if the stadium was burning down around them. The athletes only received help when a senior IOC executive and the security chief arrived and ordered them to let the medical team onto the track. Their total lack of concern for the injured women was quite chilling. (*: “Jobsworth”: English slang, meaning “It's more than my job is worth, mate.” Unhelpful people assigned administrative tasks that do not have the wit or courage to make decisions for themselves if something outside their brief is suggested to them).

*IN THE early days of Hollywood , there was a lot of snobbery regarding actors. The acting profession was considered dubious at best by many wealthy locals in Southern California . Signs posted outside hotels and guesthouses read, “No dogs or actors.” Movie star Gloria Swanson (1899-1983) once complained, “Hell, we didn't even get top billing!”

*THE FIRST execution by electric chair was carried out at Auburn prison in New York on 6 August 1890. The victim was William Kemmler who had been convicted of the axe murder of his former lover Matilda Ziegler. Death by electric shocks was introduced largely because it was seen as a humane alternative to hanging when the condemned frequently choked on the end of a rope for several minutes before succumbing to asphyxiation.

Using electricity had first been suggested in 1881 by a dentist named Dr Albert Southwick who had been impressed by the painless death of a drunk in Buffalo , New York . The unfortunate man had accidentally touched the terminals of an electric generator, and fell dead on the spot. The first “Old Sparky” was designed by Edwin Davis, an electrician at Auburn prison. His chair was fitted with two electrodes composed of metal disks held together with rubber and covered with a damp sponge. The terminals were applied to the victim's head and back. Kemmler's own execution was botched. After he was strapped in, a charge of 700 volts was delivered for 17 seconds before the current failed. But he was not dead and a second shock of 1,030 volts was applied for two minutes. At this point, the stench of burning flesh was overwhelming, but the smoke coming out of the man's head indicated that he was finally dead. An autopsy showed that the electrodes attached to his back had burned through to his spine.

Execution by electrocution, together with gassing, remained popular in the USA for most of the 20th century in spite of accusations of “cruel and unusual punishment” from those opposed to the death penalty. And there were many more botched executions, including that of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in 1953. By the 1990's both methods had been largely superseded by ‘lethal injection' which was heralded, once again, as a more humane alternative.

*OVER 3,000 people took part in Spain 's annual ‘La Tomatina' tomato throwing festival. Participants in the event held in the eastern town of Bunol pelted each other with tons of ripe tomatoes. The festival is held every year on the last Wednesday in August, and has become a major tourist attraction. It is said to have started in 1945 when locals began throwing their lunch at each other in the Town Square . Some Bunol residents who watched the messy and frenzied proceedings from balconies poured water on the crowd of tomato throwers. It is safe to state that most ‘competitors' in the event were not entirely sober.

*MOVIE QUOTES: “I have a firm policy on gun control. If there is a gun around, I want to be the person controlling it.” (Clint Eastwood, former Mayor of Carmel, California 1986-1988; quote from ‘Pink Cadillac')

“Managing a casino in Las Vegas was like a morality car wash. It did for me what Lourdes does for cripples and humpbacks.” (Robert de Niro/Sam Rothstein in ‘Casino')

*AN ACTOR'S toast: “ Champagne for my real friends; and real pain for my sham friends.” (Oliver Reed, 1938-1999)

*DAVID BECKHAM and Posh were out shopping. Victoria spotted a vase-shaped metal container on a shelf. “What's that, mate?” she asked the sales assistant.

“It's a thermos flask, madam,” He replied.

“Oh yeah? What does it do?” asked Becks, suddenly interested.

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir” replied the salesman.

“Cor! I ‘fink I'll take it,” said the world famous soccer star. “This could be just what I need.” He immediately purchased it with his credit card.

The next evening, whilst he was getting changed for training, one of his clubmates asked. “What's that metal thing in your bag, Dave?”

Becks smiled proudly. “It's a thermos flask, mate.”

His colleague was puzzled. “Yeah. But what does it do?”

“It keeps hot fings hot, and it keeps cold fings cold.” Said Becks.

“Oh yeah? What have you got inside it, then?” Rejoined the clubmate.

Becks smiled again. “Two cups of coffee and an ice cream,” he said.

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

HAVING A BAD DAY - READ THIS!

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Minnesota : A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are froze. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float on In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now, these two rocket scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they, (and the new Navigator truck), are standing.

They don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when we mentioned the vehicle, guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING – especially things thrown By the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed. On the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moments, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.

Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this “I can't believe this happened” look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!

And you thought your day was not going well!

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