Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*YOU JUST might be a Redneck if:

(a) Your father's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.

(b) You stack logs of wood in your backyard whilst topless, and so does your husband.

(c) You ride an electric floor buffer whilst whooping and yelling at the top of your voice as if you were in a Rodeo.

(d) You empty your pickup truck by driving at top speed in reverse gear, and then slamming on the brakes.

(e) You think that ‘Silence of the Lambs' is something that happens when George Bush Junior walks out on his farm in Texas .

(f) You believe that having a strict policy on gun control means controlling all the guns that you own.

(g) Everybody in your town has the same surname – usually ‘Johnson'.

(h) You believe that ‘Blazing Saddles' is the greatest movie ever made.

(i) Your two best friends are called Billy Bob and Bobbie-Rae.

*RUSSIAN PRESIDENT Vladimir Putin faced yet another crisis after the botched hostage rescue operation in Beslan, Northern Ossetia last September. Over 300 people, (mainly children) were killed as Russian security troops stormed a school building in which over 1,000 hostages were being held by heavily-armed Chechen rebels. Putin seems to favour using a tank to crush a cockroach. His response to any such situation: go in there, guns blazing. That way we lose some innocent civilians, but we also take out the terrorists. About as subtle as a sledgehammer.

Chechnya has been demanding independence from Russia since 1991, and the capital, Grozny , was almost levelled when Russian forces brutally suppressed a rebellion in 1994. Since then, there have been many fearsome terrorist attacks in Russia by Chechen rebels in response to wholesale civil rights violations in Chechnya perpetrated by Russian forces. The rape of Beslan was a particularly horrifying attack that shocked the world. It was the third act of terror in eight days, after two Russian airliners were blown up within minutes, and a woman suicide bomber took 11 people with her in Moscow .

I watched a young Russian soldier being interviewed recently on CNN. He was intelligent and spoke good English. And he talked calmly about genocide. What should be done about the Chechen people? He was asked. “Kill them all,” he said. “Exterminate them. They must be stamped out, as you would destroy a nest of dangerous vipers. Then we can re-populate the country with loyal Russians.”

Now ‘exterminate' is a word used by Nazis and Darleks. And surely this sort of extremism has no place in the modern world. Chechnya has strategic importance to Russia because of the oil reserves and pipelines located there. Putin has pledged to end terrorism in Russia , which has escalated under his rule so far. Perhaps Mr Putin should be asking himself: is keeping Chechnya worth the cost in Russian lives? And perhaps the Russian voters should also be asking themselves: do we really need this humourless former KGB spook as our esteemed president?

When the Russian nuclear submarine ‘ Kursk ' was lost in the Barents Sea with all hands in August 2000, Putin's administration did not exactly distinguish itself. Official news bulletins that a rescue operation was underway; that oxygen was being pumped to the survivors etc. all turned out to be a pack of lies, designed to placate relatives of the submariners. After a torpedo blew up in its rack, the vessel shipped so much water that it was unable to surface. Surviving crewmembers of the total of 118 men were left to suffocate slowly in what had become a metal tomb. Putin, on vacation in the Black Sea, arrogantly refused offers of aid from the USA and Norway , which had vessels in the area that might have been able to help the doomed seamen. Norwegian divers were the first to open the hull of the ‘ Kursk ' three weeks later.

Soon after, Putin appeared on live television at the submarine base at Murmansk to flesh out the official view of the tragedy. He was suddenly harangued bitterly by a very angry widow of one of the sailors. “Why did you lie to us?” she shouted. “Why did you not let the foreigners help?” Putin looked at her sourly as she ranted. The poor woman was then seized by two security men and sedated on the spot by a doctor, who plunged the needle of a syringe into her neck. But she was not finished. “You black-hearted bastard!” she yelled as she was being hauled away. “You let my husband and his comrades die!”

The message was very clear: most of the changes since the end of Communism are cosmetic. Russia is still a totalitarian state. And Mr Putin cannot tolerate criticism, even from a distraught grieving widow.

*RUMOURS OF a pig-faced woman surfaced in London in 1814, and thousands of Britons took this as gospel. Supposedly the daughter of a noblewoman living in a fashionable townhouse in Manchester Square , she was the subject of excited letters to newspapers from people who claimed to have seen the veiled silhouette of a pig's head in the window of a passing carriage, or a snout emerging from a carriage window. An engraved portrait of the woman was even published. But no physical proof of her existence was ever forthcoming.

When many ‘pig-faced' women began turning up at Bartholomew Fair, it was the start of a long running fraud. Showmen would procure a black bear and shave the hair off its snout, neck and front paws. The bear was then drugged and manoeuvred into an armchair, where it was dressed in an elaborate lady's costume with padded bosom, frills and ribbons. Shoes were placed on its feet, padded gloves over its claws and a wig and hat on its head. Yokels who crowded into the display tent were told that the pig-lady would only respond in grunts – once for yes, and twice for no. The cruel owners then prodded the bear surreptitiously in response to questions, forcing it to grunt in pain. It seems that there was no ingenious trick that ruthless Victorian showmen would not try in order to line their pockets with cash from ignorant gawpers, keen to experience a thrill. (‘The Great Pig-Woman Fraud', by Christopher Hudson)

*THE WORLD'S largest sail structure is the Burge El Arab hotel in Dubai . It stands 180 metres high on its own artificial island. This is protected from the buffeting of the sea by a cleverly designed collar of concrete, honeycombed with holes so that seawater is absorbed, and then allowed to flow back out. The ‘walls' of the giant structure are made of reinforced fabric, cooled by a constant blast of cold air from the heat of the day, which can reach as high as 45 degrees Centigrade in the Middle East.

Owners of the Burge El Arab claim that it is the only seven star hotel in the world. A night there will set you back a minimum of 7,000 US dollars. Care for tea and smoked salmon sandwiches as you enjoy the sea view from your balcony, sir? A mere snip at 95 dollars plus purchase tax and service charge. Please settle your bill as you check out. All major credit cards are accepted. We look forward to seeing you again, sir. Thank you.

FISHING TALES: You can't tell. Maybe the fish swims home and brags about the size of the bait that he stole today.

Nothing grows faster than a fish from the time he bites until the time he gets away from your line.

How far a fisherman will stretch the truth depends on the length of his arms.

The ideal summer resort is one where the fish bite and the mosquitoes don't.

A woman who has never seen her husband fishing does not know what a patient man she has married.

*OF COURSE insects have brains. How else could they figure out just where you are going to have your picnic?

*AMBITION means working yourself to death in order to live better when you retire.

*MANY people believe that work is not a bad thing as long as it does not interfere with your leisure.

*NO one is ever too busy to talk about just how busy he/she is.

*WINTER is the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in summer, when we complained about the heat.

*DEFINITIONS – Sunglasses: optical seclusion. Housework: something you do that nobody notices unless you neglect to do it.

*SOMETIMES it's hard to tell whether you are as busy as you think, or just confused.

*ALL THROUGH the football game the loyal fan had shouted and cheered his team on to victory. He grew more and more hoarse throughout the action-packed 90 minutes, until he whispered to the man sitting beside him, “What d'ya know? I've lost my voice.”

“Don't worry,” said the man sarcastically, “you'll find it in my left ear.”

*A FOOTBALL coach was bragging about his new star player. “He doesn't know the meaning of the word ‘fear'”, he stated proudly.

Then he paused. “Of course, there are a lot of other words he doesn't know either.”

*QUOTES FROM the famous: “Travel no longer has any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries that I ever wanted to see, except for heaven and hell; and I have only a vague curiosity as concerns one of those.” (Mark Twain, 1835-1910)

”Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.” (Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900)

“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her” (Agatha Christie, 1890-1976)

“A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

“There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother on earth has given birth to him or her.” (Winston Churchill, 1874-1965)

“You may not realise it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” (Walt Disney, 1901-1966)

“A father is a person who spends several thousand pounds on his daughter's wedding, and then reads in the local newspaper that he gave the bride away.” (Quentin Crisp, 1908-1999)

“A family is a unit composed not only of children, but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” (Ogden Nash, 1902-1971)

“My views of birth control are somewhat distorted by the fact that I was seventh of nine children.” (Robert Kennedy, 1925-1968)

“One crowded hour of glorious life is worth an age without a name.” (Alexander The Great, 356-323 BC)

“Canadians are such polite people they even say ‘Thank You' as they get their own money from Automatic Telling Machines.” (Braydon Carter, editor of ‘Vanity Fair')

“You know what they say about the sixties? If you can remember them, then you weren't there.” (Mel Gibson in ‘Bird on a Wire', 1990)

*PROVERBS. No self-made man ever did such a good job that some women didn't want to make a few alterations.

Among the things that grow by leaps and bounds are the children living in the apartment above you.

The last words of any husband are always, “Okay, buy it.”

Behind every successful man in this world is a woman who couldn't be more surprised.

Let's not be too hard on relatives. They had no choice in the matter either.

To win friends you must always act surprised when people tell you what you already knew.

The person who makes an ashtray out of the living-room rug is not necessarily a magician.

Marriage is the alliance if two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and one who never forgets them.

The only males who can boss a household are always under three years of age.

Every woman should remember that in seeking a model husband there are only two models: sporting and working.

The man who goes around trying to find out who is boss in his own home might be happier if he didn't know.

On thing in favour of having loved and lost is this one: you don't have to attend those endless, boring PTA meetings.

When parental control is remote control, you have juvenile delinquency.

The husband who apologises always has the last word in an argument with his wife.

Probably no man ever got as much conversation out of a surgical operation as Adam did.

Before criticising your wife's faults, remember that they may have prevented her from marrying a better husband.

By the time he whispers in her ear, “We were made for each other, darling,” she is already planning alterations.

Many women have always been firm believers in recycling, only they call it by a different name – garage sales.

Definition of a grandparent: something so simple that a child can operate it.

*MIKE WAS out with the boys one evening, having a great time in the fleshpots and bars of Pattaya. Before he realised it, the morning of the next day had dawned. He hesitated to call home but finally hit on an idea. He switched on his cellphone and dialled his household number. When his wife answered, he shouted, “Don't pay the ransom, honey – I've just escaped!”

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

Take Notice!

Some examples of signs spotted in various places around the world.

In an office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE Remove ALL YOUR  CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

English is difficult? You betcha!

Can you read these correctly ... the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.

4) Please polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does strange antics when does are around.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.

18) I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) I need to intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

One index, 2 indices? Is it not crazy that you can make amends but, not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think the first 'teachers of the language' should have been committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. How is it that people recite a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell??

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. This is why... when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

THE DARWIN AWARDS

Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.

This year's nine nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a"farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft!"

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength According to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards .... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)

Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man Who was killed by his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly-airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.

Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. ( South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites.)

Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry .... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces .)

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge . After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his bits off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck???

(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

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