Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*ACCORDING TO a new theory, it was long-distance running that was crucial in creating our current upright body form. Researchers have suggested that our early ancestors were good endurance runners and their habit has left its evolutionary mark on our bodies, from our leg joints right up to our heads. Early humans may have taken up running around two million years ago, after our ancestors began standing upright on the African Savannah, suggests Dennis Bramble of the University of Utah , Salt Lake City (USA) and Daniel Liebermann of Harvard University in Cambridge , Massachusetts . As a result, evolution would have favoured certain body characteristics, such as wide, sturdy knee-joints.

This theory may explain why so many people are able to cover the full marathon distance of 42 kilometres, 195 metres (26 miles, 385 yards). And it may provide an answer as to the question of why other primates do not share this ability.

Our poor sprinting prowess in comparison to other animals has given rise to the theory that our bodies are adapted for walking; not running says Liebermann. When Michael Johnson (USA) set the world 200 metres record of 19.32 seconds in Atlanta (1996) he was clocked at 9.20 sec for the second flying 100 metres. That equates to an average speed of 10.87 metres per second, surely the fastest any human has ever travelled under controlled conditions without mechanical aid. Compare that to a cheetah, which can cover the ground at 30 metres per second and 100 metres in 3.33sec. But over longer distances, human performance is much more respectable. Horses galloping over long distances average about 4.5 m/sec, which is slower than a top class marathon runner like Paul Tergat of Kenya , who in September 2003 ran the Berlin marathon in 2 hours 4 minutes and 55 seconds (5.6 m/sec) That is an average of 4 minutes 45.6 seconds per mile. Try running one quarter of a mile at that pace, and you will soon realise just how fast it is. To run a mile inside 4 minutes 50 seconds requires very efficient cardio-vascular and muscular ability. In other words, you have to be FIT.

“Everyone says that humans are bad runners, because when you think of running you tend to think of sprinting,” says Liebermann. “There is no question that we are appalling sprinters compared to other animals, but we are quite good at distance running.” How did we get so good at endurance?

Scavenging is the best answer, Liebermann suggests. Our Savannah ancestors would have been in competition with hyenas, who are also good long-distance runners. „To get to the site of a big kill and pick over the remains, you would see a flock of vultures and just take off after them, he says. Or perhaps early humans used their endurance simply to chase prey to exhaustion, and then finish them off with spears or clubs.

The theory makes sense of a raft of human characteristics, write Bramble and Liebermann in Nature‚ magazine. Not only do we have springy Achilles tendons and stout leg-joints, our comparative hairlessness and tendency to sweat make us very efficient at dissipating heat. Running has also improved our balance, says Fred Spoor, who studies human evolution at University College in London . “Running requires a lot of delicate co-ordination: your legs are off the ground and you need to co-ordinate your eyes to see where your foot will land”, he says.

*FOR BORED husbands who hate accompanying their wives shopping, the London store Marks & Spencer has come up with a novel idea. A crèche for adult males. The wives park their hubbies in the large adult male play area and then give their credit cards a working over. The big boys can be station master of a large-scale train set, play computer games or sip coffee or a soft drink as they play chess, read a newspaper or sit and gossip. So far the concept has been a great success, report managers of the store.

*I RECENTLY watched Run for the Dream: The Gail Devers story‚ a TV movie screened on UBC. This is an inspirational tale of how this great American athlete overcame Graves Disease, a potentially fatal hyperthyroid condition. The side effects of the chemotherapy and radiation treatment she received burned her feet so badly that in March 1991 she came close to having them amputated. But Gail Devers bravely fought back to become an Olympic Champion in 1992, and is still one of the world‚s best sprint hurdlers at the age of 38. The movie makes no mention of the fact that she was leading the Barcelona Olympic 100m hurdles final by a clear margin until she crashed into the final barrier and staggered home in 5th place. She had made the fatal mistake of looking up at her image on the huge stadium display board, and misjudged her height over the last hurdle.

Earlier in those Games she had snatched the 100 metres flat title in 10.82 seconds. As the filmmakers were presumably unable to use actual footage from the Olympics for copyright reasons, they shot the Barcelona‚ scenes at local stadiums in California . I was amused to see that in her semi-final round of the 100 metres, Ms Devers was racing on a track with six lanes; but in the final this had magically been transformed into an internationally approved eight lane track!

*THE LEARNED writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) never lived to see his best work receive worldwide recognition. In 1867, thirty-five years after his death, the first part of his masterpiece Faust‚ became the first paperback book to go on sale in the world.

*KING HENRY 1 (1068-1135) decided that a yard‚ should be the distance from his thumb to the end of his nose with his hand held out at full distance from his body. From this arbitrary decision came the (Imperial) English yard.

*THE SWEDISH actress Ingrid Bergman was born on 29 August 1915 and died on the same day in 1982. She caused a major scandal in Hollywood in 1951 when she gave birth to a child by the married Italian film director Roberto Rossellini and it took several years before the American public forgave her. Attitudes are different today. When Hollywood star Michelle Pfeiffer had a child out of wedlock in the 1990‚s it was treated as perfectly normal behaviour.

*POLITICAL QUOTES: “This is quite a gathering: The Haves‚ and The Have

Mores‚. Some see you as an elite. I see you as my political base.”

President George W Bush addressing a group of Texas oil barons at a banquet in 2002.

“On 6 August 2001, President George Bush was sent a finding by the FBI.

This report stressed a serious danger that terrorist groups like al-Qaeda might hijack domestic passenger jets and use them in suicide missions on government buildings. Bush never read the memo. He was too busy removing sage brush from his farm in Texas.” (Michael Moore, director of Fahrenheit 911).

“The Pentagon love these private little Police Actions‚; these small wars around the world. It allows the military brass to try out their latest gizmos, their newest hand-held killing machines. And if American troops are somehow not able to use the new weaponry for political reasons, the Pentagon gives it to the Israeli Military.” (David Halberstam, prize-winning author of The Brightest and The Best).

*KING LOUIS X1 of France (1423-1483) once commanded one of his abbots to invent a new and ridiculous musical instrument for the amusement of the French Court. The clever abbot gathered together a group of pigs, each with (It's own distinctive squeal. He proceeded to prick each of them in turn with a sword to provide the desired tune. The king was delighted.

*ON 21 JULY 1969, bookmakers in London paid out ten thousand pounds sterling to David Threfall as Neil Armstrong became the first man to set foot on the surface of the moon. In 1964, Mr Threfall had wagered ten pounds at odds of 1,000 to 1 that a man would walk on the moon within the next seven years.

*COMMENTARY GAFFE: “Now riding in fourth place is Stuart O'Grady, who suffered a fatal mugging a few months ago.” (Paul Sherwen during 2004 Olympic road cycling event in Athens).

*A FRIEND in Pattaya opened his new bar with a big party. Included in the buffet were twenty large English pork pies. His chef duly unwrapped each one and then microwaved all of them. The congealed jellied meat looked an inedible mess. When asked why he had nuked‚ the pies, the man said, “Sorry boss. I thought that all farangs only liked hot food.”

*ON PATTAYA'S famous Walking Street‚ is a large message above the start of the strip just by the pier. It reads, “International Metting Street”. Some observers think a more accurate definition might just be, International Petting Street.

*ON 3 DECEMBER 1926, the famous mystery writer Agatha Christie (1890-1976) disappeared after hearing of her husband‚s plans to continue his love affair with another woman. Ten days later she was found living in a health spa in Harrogate, Yorkshire. No explanation was given for her behaviour, though speculation ranged from amnesia to attempted suicide. The police search for Agatha was exhaustive, and was reputed to have included over 15,000 volunteers.

*ACCORDING TO a tradition dating back to the sixth century, the first cuckoo of the year in Britain appears on 7 April at a town named St Brynach in Wales.

*DID YOU KNOW? (a) A single ounce of gold can be beaten into a thin film covering over one hundred square feet. (b) Blackbird, one of the most revered Chiefs of the Omaha Indians, was buried sitting on his favourite horse. (c) Mummies‚ are so-called because of the wax (or mum‚) which is smeared on to the bandages for waterproofing. (d) The heart of a giraffe is two feet long and can weigh as much as 24 pounds. (e) The aquatic animal, the Red Sponge, can be broken into a thousand pieces and still survive and reconstitute itself. (But not as quickly as the T9000 cyborg in Terminator 2, Judgement Day)

*THE RAPE of Nanking (China) took place in 1937/38 when Japan and China were at war. In early November 1937 the Japanese launched two massive amphibious operations, one to the north and one to the south of Shanghai, bypassing the city and pushing forward up the Yangtze River to Nanking.

These were masterfully executed invasions that totally fooled the Chinese army which was bogged down defending Shanghai from Japan‚s General Iwane Matsui and his own troops. The Japanese landings were followed by a trail of deliberate pillage. These men were shock troops, well versed in the tactics of slash and burn. It is estimated that the two elements of these pincers displaced 18 million people and killed another 400,000 Chinese in the advance from Shanghai to Nanking.

The rape of Nanking began on 14 December 1937, and it continued unabated for six weeks, despite worldwide protest. And it was systematic and deliberate. At least 20,000 women were raped, some of them repeatedly until they died. More than 200,000 civilians were murdered in cold blood. The 90,000 Chinese troops who had defended Nanking were first. Many of them were roped into groups of twenty. Gasoline was then poured on them and they were burned alive. Two Japanese officers had a grisly bet to see which one could behead the most Chinese soldiers in an hour, using very sharp samurai swords. This contest‚ was photographed and covered by Japanese newspapers.

Men were buried neck-deep, alive, so that their heads could be kicked like soccer balls. It became so bad that a German diplomat, Mr John Rosen, wrote a long, angry report to Adolf Hitler condemning the barbarism of the

Japanese army. Even a Nazi was sickened by the horror taking place at

Nanking!

The violence did not stop until 10 February 1938 when Lieutenant-General

Prince Asaka Yasuhiko admitted to his nephew the Japanese emperor Hirohito that it was having no effect on the Japanese government's objective of unseating General Chiang Kai-shek, then based in Shanghai. What happened at Nanking in 1937-38 still ranks as one of the most horrific war crimes in modern history.

*THE WORD Kamikaze‚ in Japanese translates to Divine Wind‚, after the hurricanes that repelled and wrecked massive Chinese invasion fleets off Japanese shores in 1274 and 1281. The term was much later used to denote Japanese suicide pilots in the final months of the Second World War.

*ON 21 AUGUST 1911, a Louvre (Paris) employee named Vincenzo Peruggia stole the famous Mona Lisa painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. He kept the masterpiece in a trunk for two years, and was eventually arrested when he tried to sell it to the Italian Government. Peruggia only received a one-year gaol sentence after he convinced the court that he stole the painting so that it could be returned to its country of origin.

*AMIR KHAN was Britain‚s entire Boxing team at the 2004 Olympic Games in

Athens. He deservedly gained a lot of attention as he punched his way to a Featherweight silver medal at the tender age of 17. Now it appears that his sponsors have offered him 250,000 pounds sterling to remain an Amateur‚.

The idea is to groom him to a gold medal success at the Beijing Games in 2008, after which he can plan a professional career. Contrast this news to the story of John Tarrant, Britain's Ghost Runner‚. Tarrant won a few cash prizes in a fledgling Boxing career before becoming a top class long distance runner, winning the London to Brighton (54 miles) race twice in the 1960's. When officials of England‚s Amateur Athletics Association (AAA) found out that Tarrant had soiled his name by accepting money to compete in another sport, he was suspended for life. He became known as The Ghost Runner because he would enter road races unofficially, and often lead the field until close to the finish, where he would swerve off the course and run past the official finishing funnel. He died of cancer in 1979. For John Tarrant, there was no justice and no court of appeal. For Amir Khan, there is only further wealth and fame ahead.

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

He Says, She Says?

People say Britain and America are two countries separated by the same language. But they should try men and women. There is, you see, no such language as English. There is just ‘Manglish' and ‘Chicklish'. Take our fun quiz and find out how well you understand the opposite sex.

1. She says ‘Fine.' This translates to ...?

(a) She's desperate to have THAT talk about your relationship.

(b) She's absolutely not fine. In fact, she's so unfine that you are about to enter a world of pain.

(c) She loves you and doesn't want to burden you with her real problems.

2. She says: ‘Sigh'. This translates to ...?

(a) She's tired.

(b) She's very, very disappointed in you and is reconsidering your entire relationship.

(c) She can't believe how lucky she is to be with you

3. She says: ‘I'm sorry'. This translates to ...?

(a) But you'll be even sorrier

(b) She's not really - she just wants to keep the peace

(c) Let's go shopping

4. She says: ‘Do whatever you want.' This translates to ...?

(a) Just as long as it fits in with my plans

(b) Just beware of the consequences

(c) I just want you to be happy

5. She says: ‘Thursday night? Oh, I'd love to but I'm busy.” This translates to ...?

(a) I really am busy, but if you ask me to go out another night, I'd say yes.

(b) I'm not busy. I just want you to work a little bit harder to woo me.

(c) I'm not busy on Thursday but I have no intention of dating a pathetic specimen like you on that or any other evening.

(d) It could mean all of the above

6. She says: ‘I haven't got a thing to wear.” This translates to ...?

(a) I've worn everything once already

(b) I've got a wardrobe stuffed full of clothes, but none of them suits my precise state of bloatedness, insecurity and emotional turmoil at this particular second

(c) I'm not really interested in buying clothes which leaves me with little choice when it comes to going out

7. She says: ‘Will you come shopping with me?' This translates to ...?

(a) Will you spent the entire day traipsing around after me and hanging around women's boutiques while I try on endless outfits that all look the same to your male eyes, just so I can be reassured that you are truly devoted to me.

(b) Bring your credit card and treat me to a new wardrobe

(c) My friends' boyfriends look hot. It's time you took an interest in your appearance - for my sake. I'm finding a new, trendier and less embarrassing, look for you. That way, I look even better.

8. She says: ‘Does my bum look big in this?'. This translates to ...?

(a) Think very, very carefully before you give a response, bearing in mind that whatever you say - or omit to say - will almost certainly be wrong.

(b) Should I go on a diet?

(c) Tell me I'm beautiful and sexy and look better in jeans than Kylie..

9. She says: ‘Why don't we talk anymore?' This translates to ...?

(a) I feel like bitching. And you'd better learn how if you don't want me to dump you out of boredom.

(b) Do you want to break up with me?

(c) Why don't we spend hours dissecting our relationship, going into personal details and pointlessly wittering on, like I do with my girlfriends?

10. And moving on to some Manglish ... He says: ‘Do you wanna dance?' This means ...

(a) I can fondle you and blame it on the dance moves and people bumping us.

(b) I want to show you off to all my mates.

(c) I want to have sex with you, but I know I've got to go through all the rigmarole first.

11. He says: ‘No, why don't we talk about YOU.' Which really means ...

(a) Because I've read a few articles in women's magazines and this is a brilliant way of making you think I'm interested in you as a person

(b) He's very humble

(c) He has problems communicating

12. At home with his loved one, he says: ‘I'm just going down to the pub.' Meaning ...?

(a) I'll be back sometime tomorrow morning - don't wait up

(b) I'd much rather be having a few pints and a laugh with my mates than sitting here talking about our relationship and watching Sex And The City

(c) Will you join me for a drink?

13. He says: ‘I'm back!'. But this really translates to ...

(a) Okay, I got drunk and had a curry. Any chance of some loving before I fall asleep and snore all night?

(b) Where's dinner?

(c) Now we should spend some quality time together. I'll pour you a glass of wine, order takeaway and watch Sex and the City with you.

14. He says: ‘I don't know what I feel', meaning ...

(a) Back off - you're smothering me

(b) I'm confused and need reassurance that you love me more than any other man

(c) I know exactly what I feel, but I know you're not going to like it, so I'll keep quiet because I can't be bothered to have an argument

15. He says: ‘Yeah, that looks fine'. Meaning ...?

(a) How am I supposed to tell the difference between one stupid dress/top/pair of jeans and another?

(b) You look awful but I can't stand waiting any more - just walk out the door with what you've got on.

(c) You look hot, but I struggle when trying to express my enthusiasm.

Answers (1 point for each): 1.b 2.b 3.a 4.b 5.b 6.b 7.a 8.a 9.b 10.c 11.a 12.b 13.a 14.c 15.a

Your score was 0 to 5

You're in deep trouble. To you, the opposite sex talks in a foreign language. You have no idea what they are really thinking. Have you ever been in a relationship and if so, was it over as soon as you opened your mouth? It's time to invest in book or two to help you get started. Perhaps Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus might be a good start.

Your score was 6 to 10

You must have experienced your fair share of slammed doors and slapped faces. But overall, you've got a pretty good grasp of what the opposite sex is trying to say. You know men and women never really say what they mean. In fact, you're a pretty good sleuth and would probably excel as peace-keeper by helping your less-fortunate and ignorant friends in their troubled relationships.

Your score was 11 to 15

Pat yourself on the back. What a flawless performance. You are the ideal partner. You can read the opposite sex like a book. You know that when a man says ‘I love you' he really means ‘let's have sex' which means there's not much confusion in your relationship and you both know what you want. You, my friend, have a secret weapon. Use it to your advantage.

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