Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*RIDLEY SCOTT has made another magnificent visual epic with ‘ Kingdom of Heaven ', released here in May. The film is set during the 12 th century (1184-1189) just before the third Crusade of the Holy Lands by Christian knights. Orlando Bloom (‘Blackhawk Down', ‘ Troy ' and ‘The Ring' trilogy) stars as Balian of Ibelin (1151-1193), the famed defender of Jerusalem in 1186 against the 200,000 strong Muslim army of Saladin. As usual, Scott's attention to exact period detail is excellent, and the battle scenes are brilliantly scripted and very convincing. As musician Hans Zimmer says, “Ridley really knows how to light and shoot.”

Balian was the son of the crusader Godfrey Barisan of Ibelin (Liam Neeson in the film) and did indeed defend the city of Jerusalem valiantly before reaching a negotiated surrender with Saladin (a good performance by Ghassan Massoud) But Bloom puts on a one-dimensional show, constantly spouting self-righteous speeches as he tries to find some kind of personal salvation. And he is one glum crusader; nothing seems to cheer him up, even bedding the attractive sister of Jerusalem 's King Baldwin IV, the ‘leper king', who died in 1185, aged just 24. Like Balian, the dying king strove to hold the city state together as ‘a kingdom of conscience' where all faiths could live together in peace and fellowship.

Screenwriter William Monahan correctly identifies Godfrey Barisan as a just leader who declined the title of King of Jerusalem because he did not want to wear a crown of gold where Christ had worn a crown of thorns. In the movie, he makes his son a crusading knight just before he dies. The real Balian died in Antioch in 1193. He did not return to France to work as a village blacksmith with his second wife, which is a typical Hollywood happy ending. Sadly, Bloom as Balian is a Lord of the Rings elf that fails to inspire. Ridley Scott attempts an even-handed story, trying very hard not to offend anybody. So it is one faction of Christian knights led by the brutal thug Reynald of Chatillon who break the fragile truce and start the war with Saladin in this politically correct version. The movie ends just before the third Crusade, led by Richard I (‘Lionheart') of England and Philip II of France who set out to take back the Holy Lands in 1191.

Jeremy Irons plays the mysterious Tiberias, one of the Templar knights who befriends Balian but takes his soldiers off to Cyprus before the siege of Jerusalem . This is an interesting character I would like to know more about, but he slips in and out of the script with hardly a ripple. Tiberias does have perhaps the best line in the whole movie, however: “I thought we were fighting for God. Then I realised that we were just fighting for wealth and the land.” It is the same today. Greed will always be a powerful motivator and the Middle East remains a hot bed of unrest over 800 years later. I guess that some things never really change.

*SCOTT'S EPIC film cannot escape the historical climate of our time. Osama bin Laden has always argued that the Western world is bent on a new crusade to suppress the Muslim faith. In 1998 he referred to his network of terrorists as “the International Islamic Front for Jihad against Jews and Crusaders.” And when President George W Bush said on 16 September 2001 that, “this crusade, this war on terrorism, is going to take a while”, he might have chosen his words more carefully.

*THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR was a monastic military order formed after the first Crusade with the mandate of protecting Christian pilgrims en route to worship in the Holy Land . Never before had a band of secular knights banded together and taken monastic vows. In this sense they were perhaps the first warrior monks. The Templars fought alongside King Richard 1 and other famous Crusaders in the battles for the Holy Lands surrounding Jerusalem .

Originally a small group of nine knights, they quickly gained fame due to the backing of Bernard of Clairvaux who was known unofficially as the second pope. He was responsible for drawing up the rules of conduct for this new order. From humble beginnings of poverty when the order relied on alms from travelling pilgrims, the Templars would go on to have the backing of the Holy See and the collective European monarchies.

Within two centuries they had become powerful enough to defy all but the Papal throne. Feared as skilled warriors, respected for their charity and sought out for their wealth, the Templar knights were key players of the monastic fighting orders. Pope Innocent II exempted the Templars from all authority except the Pope.

After the Crusades were over, the knights returned to their chapters throughout Europe and became known as moneylenders to the monarchs. Due to their vast wealth the Templars invented modern banking as we know it. In those days the church forbade the lending of money for interest, which was called usury. The Templars, being clever fellows, changed the manner in which loans were paid and were thus able to skirt the issue and finance even kings.

Eventually the Order was destroyed in the 14 th century, perhaps because of its' vast wealth or fear of the Templars' seemingly limitless powers. The secret meetings and rituals of the knights led to their own downfall. King Philip the Fair of France used these rituals and meetings to his advantage to destroy the powerful organisation. The real reason for his crushing the Templars was that he felt threatened by their power and immunity; and he desired cash. So the French king, who desperately needed a war chest to support his campaign against England 's Edward I, hit them hard.

On 13 October 1307 King Philip had all the Templars in France arrested on charges of heresy as this was the only charge that would allow the seizing of their money and assets. The Templars were tortured and ridiculous confessions were extracted from them including “trampling and spitting on the Holy Cross; homosexuality and sodomy and worshipping of the Baphomet”. All were executed by being burned at the stake. The Templars, known as ‘The Poor Soldiers of Christ and the Temple of Solomon ' ceased to exist, at least officially.

Philip was successful in ridding the Templars of their power and urged all fellow Christian monarchs to do the same. On 19 March 1314, Jacques de Molay, the last Grand Master of the Knights Templar, was burned at the stake after another show trial for heresy. De Molay is said to have cursed King Philip and Pope Clement as he burned, predicting that both men would join him in death within a year. We don't know if this is true, but it is a fact that Clement died a month later and Philip IV seven months after that. (Research: templarhistory.com)

*THANKS TO a friend coming over from the UK, I managed to get a DVD of the Granada TV movie ‘Essex Boys' which is based very loosely on the Range Rover shotgun killings near Rettendon, Essex in December 1995 (see True Crime, February 2005). Starring Sean Bean, Alex Kingston, Amelia Lowdell, Charlie Creed-Miles, Tom Wilkinson and Larry Lamb, the film was shot on location in Southend, Basildon and Canvey Island and directed by Terry Windsor. The British rave scene is vividly depicted, along with the criminal element which makes vast profits from selling drugs to the revelers. This is where Sharon and Tracey go binge drinking and then dance around their handbags as they pop pills and look for a “tasty geezer”. The violence is not gratuitous, but central to the theme, and Sean Bean (as Jason Locke) is a frightening psychopath; “An eighteen-carat nutter” in the words of Billy Whiz (Charlie Creed-Miles). There is drug abuse, sex, betrayal and double-cross, plus a ton of violence. The British constantly excel at low budget drama like this. ‘Essex Boys' is brilliantly made, and thoroughly nasty.

*SPORTS QUOTES: “Paula Radcliffe is a delightful mixture of Mary Poppins and ‘Eastenders'. And an entire nation of BBC Television viewers watched her stop to defecate by the roadside during the London Marathon.” (Andy Edwards, Radio 5 Live)

“The Newcastle players are being put to the sword here, which means that they are losing badly to Manchester United.” (Alan Parry, Sky Sports)

“Most footballers' wives are old slappers.” (Victoria Beckham)

“The bald fact is that both Posh and Becks are a wet dream for British tabloids. Anything that this glamour married couple gets up to will be reported on extensively. Thus we should not be surprised when ‘The Sun' newspaper has a front page splash on David Beckham's new hair-cut.” (Jim Rosenthal)

“Anything I stole, I stole fair and square.” (Roman Abramovich, owner of Chelsea FC)

“Rodney Morris has the full Charles Bronson gamut of emotions – all the way from A to B in under a second.” (Pool commentator Sid Waddell)

“Drawing down on The Pearl (Earl Strickland) is like taking on Wyatt Earp and his brothers at the OK Corral.” (Sid Waddell)

*POLITICAL QUOTE: “Those Americans have exchanged a whore-monger (Clinton) for a war-monger (Bush).” (President Fidel Castro of Cuba )

*AMERICANS use an odd system of dating to us Brits. They refer to month, day and year (i.e. August 6, 1945), whereas we always used the surely more logical system of day, month and year (i.e. 6 August 1945). Why then, do our American cousins ALWAYS refer to their Independence Day (4 July 1776) as ‘The Fourth of July', not ‘July the Fourth”? Even Ron Kovic's famous book was entitled ‘Born on the Fourth of July' and Oliver Stone's movie took the same title. Can anyone tell me why this is the case? I asked several American friends, and each one said, “Do you know? I never thought about that!”

*AN ADVERT in The Hemel Hempstead Herald: “Dog kennel for sale. Suit small god for outdoors or indoors.”

*FROM THE Wolverhampton Ad. News comes this gem: “Dracula. In the first of two horror films based on Bram Stoker's novel, Bela Lugosi stars as the vampire count who leaves Transylvania and installs himself in a urined abbey in England .”

*THE EAST ANGLIA Times reports that ‘The Great Yarmouth Open Bowels Festival' will be held on the Marine Parade at 9am daily with finals every Friday. Perhaps Paula Radcliffe might be interested in taking part.

*A SYMPOSIUM of The Royal College of Physicians of Edinburgh was recently held to discuss, ‘What to do in the middle of the night' and subtitled, ‘Organ failure – the first few hours'. This was held at The Queen Mother Conference Centre at Queen Street in Edinburgh , Scotland .

*NEW COLLECTIVE nouns. A ‘grunge' of tramps. A ‘sneer' of cynics. A ‘nerding' of computer geeks. A ‘flounce' of katoeys.

*OBSERVING THE latter preening themselves at a famous katoey (transvestite) bar in the seaside resort city of Pattaya recently, I was fascinated by the degree of self-absorption displayed by each of the lady-boys sitting there and fine-tuning his makeup. Women are vain, and many men can be vain; but there is nothing to approach the vanity of Thailand's katoeys. If you don't believe me, just get yourself along to Fun City and watch them in action. The Strip on Walking Street is a good people-watching location and also the mass of bars on sois 7 and 8. As we all know, a katoey is a chap who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

*CORRECTION: In May, I mentioned that former Wimbledon captain Vinnie Jones has received the fastest red cards in English Soccer. This was not quite correct – he has the fastest BOOKINGS, not red cards. Here are the facts, quoted from The ‘Pictorial History of English Football' by Robert Jeffrey: Jones was booked within five seconds of Sheffield United's First Division away fixture at Manchester City on 19 January 1991. In Chelsea FC's FA Cup fifth-round tie against his former Sheffield United team-mates on 15 February 1992, Jones had his name taken three seconds after kick-off.

*MICHAEL JACKSON was relaxing at the Neverland Ranch after another exhausting day in court. His butler suggested that they watch a DVD whilst Michael played with his dolls as he ate popcorn and sipped lemonade.

“Shall I get Aladdin?” asked the trusty manservant.

“No way!” replied Jackson, “I'm in enough trouble already, bonehead!”

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 - CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, and immediately moved to another seat. This time, the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the fourth move the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court, and the judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honour it was like this ... when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming,” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “ Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William's Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident” ... I just lost it!”

Case dismissed.

BEER, BEER AND MORE BEER!

(and Buffaloes, but I'm not sure any of these people ever drank Beer Chang!)

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. “

~ Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!”

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers . One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

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