Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

FROM MARK DAPIN of the ‘Sydney Herald' comes this interesting piece about exotic Phuket: “The front half of the sedan has been crushed into the tarmac, as if a very fat guy has been dropped onto the roof from a very great height. On the island of Phuket , Thailand , this is not unlikely as (a) the fattest men in the world come on holiday here; and (b) they sometimes go parasailing.

“But a more likely culprit is the hulking construction truck that lists across the road like a battered boxer, the driver's side of the cab caved in like a cheekbone; the window shattered like a blinded eye. The car was travelling uphill. Presumably, the driver tried to overtake another vehicle but did not notice the giant yellow truck heading towards it.

“Fat sex tourists buzz past on rented motorbikes, with tiny, cinnamon-skinned rented wives (mia chow) wrapped around their waists.

“Over the New Year holiday period, 902 people were killed in road accidents in Thailand and 45,516 were injured. Phuket is home to the worst drivers in the kingdom.

Patong Beach is the most crowded, fleshy, drunken, hustling resort on the island. European tourists lie on sun loungers five deep, broiling and burning on a broad, white ribbon of beach. The fat guys strip to their Speedos, while their mia chow cover every part of their skin. They do not want to go black, because black means poor.

“Patong's bedrock industries are tourism, tailoring, sex, and the so-called oldest profession – Elvis impersonation. At the Patong Beach Hotel, ‘three types Elvis in three styles' play three times a week, in celebration of the 50 th anniversary of Elvis Presley.

“We sit and watch the mia chow/fat guy pairings walk and waddle hand-in-hand. Where do they all come from? What do they talk about? How do they meet? The answer lies in the butterfly bars around Soi Bangla. The insects are out by 9pm, swarming through pubs where the girls pout, preen, dance and bang nails into pieces of wood. Butter monsters (cling-wrapped in figure-hugging trousers and silk shirts, with medallions, chunky bracelets and blow-dried, brushed-back hair) stride through the crowds like Elvis in his little-impersonated ‘Burger King' phase. The bar girls attract their attention by grabbing hands, squeezing their buttocks or, at one particularly wild saloon, crash-tackling them.”

*WHY ARE MEN happier than women? This question comes from my old pal Kevin Hall. Here are some of his reasons: Men are just happier people. Your last name stays put. Your garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never get pregnant. You can wear a white Tee-shirt to a water park. You can wear no shirt to a water park if you want to. Car mechanics tell you the truth, ‘cos you may know more than them. The world is your urinal - you never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just “too icky”. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles just add character and are not a reason to contemplate suicide. Wedding dresses cost an arm and a leg; but a rented tuxedo is affordable. And if you attend a party and see another man wearing an identical suit to yours, you won't immediately demand to be driven home. People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. You have one mood (placid) nearly all the time. Telephone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and electrical wiring. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Hangovers are over in one hour. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear costs just 300 baht a pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. If you blow a fart in public, you can just smile proudly – no need to pretend that it was someone else. Trouser coughs are expected of the male species.

Everything on your face stays its' original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, and if you shave your head, nobody thinks that it's odd – just the modern style. You only have to shave your face and your neck daily. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your expanding hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes are one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do your Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on 24 December in 25 minutes. You can walk down any soi with a large beer gut and a balding head and still feel wonderful. No wonder that men are happier than women!

*A MAN in Sydney faces a jail sentence for finding (and keeping) a bundle of cash. The bus passenger discovered around 300,000 (Aussie) dollars in a holdall by his seat and decided to apply the ancient law of ‘Finders' Keepers'. He stashed the loot in a cupboard at home, and spent some of it on a new car. But unfortunately for him, he boasted about his exciting find at work, and someone shopped him to the police. He was subsequently arrested and charged with larceny. Lesson: if you find a stack of cash, either turn it into the local police or just bank the dosh and keep your good fortune to yourself. ( Bangkok Post)

*KYLIE MINOGUE'S famous gold lame hotpants from the year 2000 video can now be seen exhibited at the National Portrait Gallery in Canberra in ‘Kylie: The Exhibition'. Minogue's clothes are “culturally significant” according to the exhibition's curator, Janine Barrand, who also says “they are of great national and international importance.”

The ‘Sydney Herald' art critic John McDonald sighs at the idea of such an exhibition. “It's all about the cult of celebrity”, he says. “Whatever you do now, it seems that you have to have celebrities involved – even if it involves an old pair of undies.” The gallery director, Andrew Sayers scoffs, “Whether you like Kylie Minogue's music of not, she is a great Australian who has been at the top of her field for twenty years.”

Kylie was of course several times voted ‘Rear of the Year' by the influential popular music press and her gold hotpants take pride of place on a plastic dummy with a suitably beautifully rounded backside. Barrand put the show together with Kylie's creative director William Baker, whose catalogue calls it “an incredible, if unbelievable accolade”. He continues, “Ms. Minogue's costumes have been liberated from a life of bin bags, mothballs and Fabreeze into a world where they are treated with the same reverence as a Rembrandt or a Van Gogh.” (Sydney Herald)

*THE BRITISH sprinter Mark Lewis-Francis is a very talented young man. But he has also displayed the indiscretions of youth. Last Spring, he tested positive for cannabis. Though this substance is not a performance-enhancing drug for explosive events like the sprints, it is on the IOC banned list, and Lewis-Francis received a public warning. He was lucky that he did not get a suspension of three months for an out-of-competition positive. Lewis-Francis stated that he had been at a party where some people were smoking cannabis, and must have inhaled some of it. Experts scoffed – for the amount of cannabis that showed up in his urine sample, they said, he must have been locked into a small room for 17 hours with 50 people continually blowing smoke into his face. In seems that honesty is in short supply among professional sportsmen these days.

*TWO AMERICAN soldiers are brewing morning coffee. “Chilly today,” remarks one.

“Nah,” says his friend as he cleans his rifle. “We gotta get Iraq squared away first, buddy.”

*I HEAR it rumoured that Ewan McGregor (‘Shallow Grave', ‘Trainspotting', ‘Blackhawk Down' and ‘Star Wars') is being groomed to be the next James Bond. Oh dear. Nearly 30 flicks since ‘Doctor No' in 1962, do we really need another series of Bond movies? Surely the whole concept of the spoof super-spy has become as tired as Bruce Forsyth's hairpiece? I think it's high time that James Bond was quietly retired to the movie history shelf.

*KILLER CLASSIFIEDS (courtesy of ‘Ropesend'): ‘Two female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.'

‘Three-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.'

‘Seven ounces of choice sirloin steak boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.'

‘A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetising forms.'

‘And now – the Superstore unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.'

‘Auto Repair Service: Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.'

‘Christmas tag sale: homemade gifts for the hard to find person.'

‘Dinner special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25, Children $2.00'

‘Dog for sale – eats anything and is fond of children.'

‘For Rent: Six-room hated house.'

‘For Sale : Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.'

‘For Sake: Antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.'

‘Four-poster bed; 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.'

‘Vacation special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.'

‘Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.'

‘Great Dames for sale.'

‘Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.'

‘Illiterate? Write today for free help.'

‘Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward offered. Neutered, just like one of the family.'

‘Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.'

‘Man, honest, will take anything,'

‘Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with a round bottom.'

‘Modular Sofas. Only $299 for rest or fore play.'

‘ Mount Kilimanjaro is the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge Hotel. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.'

‘Now is the chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.'

‘Offer expires on 31 December or while supplies last.'

‘Our bikinis are exciting – they are simply the tops.'

‘Our experienced mum will take care of your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.'

‘Save regularly in our bank. You will never reget it.'

‘See ladies blouses on sale here. 50 percent off!'

‘Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.'

‘Sheer stockings – designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.'

‘Stock up and save. Limit: one.'

‘The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.'

‘Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.'

‘Toaster – a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.'

‘Used cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!'

‘Wanted – hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.'

‘Wanted – man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.'

‘Wanted – Fifty girls for stripping machine operators in factory.'

‘Wanted – Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.'

‘Wanted – Mother's helper. Peasant working conditions.'

‘Wanted – Part-time marred girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.'

‘Wanted – Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.'

‘Wanted - Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.'

‘We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.'

‘We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for just $1.00'

(My thanks to Keith Hole for these).

*HIS NAME was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the sound of the cries. There, mired to his waist in black muck was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy that Farmer Fleming had saved. “I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son's life.”

“No, I can't accept payment for what I did,” Fleming replied. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. “Is that your son?” The nobleman asked.

“Yes, he is.” The farmer replied proudly.

“Let me make you a deal, “said the nobleman. “I will provide your son with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.” And so the deal was made.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London . He went on to become world famous as Sir Alexander Fleming, the man who discovered Penicillin.

Years afterwards, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. And his son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. (My thanks to Kevin Hall for this slice of history)

*POLITICAL QUOTE: “Only two things can kill a political career – getting caught with a live boy or a dead girl.” (David Halberstam)

(davidcox@loxinfo.co.th)

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