Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

In the beginning

AN AUSSIE view of The Creation, courtesy of Doug East: In the beginning, God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and having BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's. God saw that it was good. On the second day, He created water – for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach. God saw that it was good. On the third day God created the earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQ's. On the fourth day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns to be eaten at BBQ's. God saw that it was good.

On the fifth day God created a Bloke – to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's. God saw that it was good. On the sixth day God saw that his Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the BBQ with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes. On the seventh day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good...well, almost. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas – to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the BBQ. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that – it was Bloody Awesome! MATE, IT WAS AUSTRALIAN!!

Puff Puff Wheeeze...

THE MARATHON race is said to be inspired by events surrounding the Battle of Marathon, which was fought in September 490BC during the Greco-Persian wars. A force of Athenians under General Miltiades here repulsed the first Persian invasion of Greece on the Marathon plain of northeastern Attica . Whilst the Persian cavalry was out foraging, the Greeks attacked the Persian camp and encircled the force of 15,000. As they ran back to their ships, the invading army lost around 6,400 men to the 10,000 Athenians and 1,000 Plataeans chasing them to the sea. According to legend, an Athenian messenger was sent from Marathon to Athens , a distance of about 40 kilometres, to announce the victory. On arriving in Athens , he shouted, ‘Rejoice! We conquer!” before collapsing and dying from his battle wounds and exhaustion.

Herodotus, however, relates that a trained distance runner named Pheidippides (also spelled Phidippides or Philippides) was sent from Athens to Sparta before the battle in order to request military assistance from the Spartans, who in those days were famed for having the most disciplined army in the region. The messenger is said to have covered about 240 kilometres (150 miles) in two days. If true, that is really some feat of endurance running. Ten years later, in 480 BC, a vast Persian army of a million men under Xerxes invaded Greece and laid waste to many of the Greek states following an heroic defence by Spartans at Thermopylae .

The marathon distance of 42.195 kilometres (26 miles 385 yards) was standardised in 1908 when the Olympic race in London was lengthened by around 2 kilometres to bring the finish line alongside the royal box so that Britain 's royals could view the action. The world's oldest big city marathon is the Boston event, held every April since 1897 and nowadays attracting around 25,000 runners. This race competes with the London marathon, founded by 1956 Olympic champion Chris Brasher in 1981, and boasting fields of over 30,000. Every November, the New York City marathon also gets an entry of over 30,000. The world's fastest courses are probably at Berlin (September), where the current world best was set by Kenya's Paul Tergat in 2003, and the Chicago race, held every October. Other city marathons are held annually in Athens , Paris , Rotterdam , Stockholm , Rome , Venice , Vienna , Edinburgh , Moscow , Honolulu , Toronto , Las Vegas , Vancouver , Manchester , Belgrade , Tokyo , Fukouka, Osaka , Melbourne , Sydney and Amsterdam among many others. Bangkok 's marathon is usually held on the last Sunday in November every year and Pattaya's Queens ' Cup marathon is held in July.

The big city marathon circuit has become a rich minefield for elite runners, both male and female, who compete for cash prizes of millions of dollars including record and sponsor bonuses. And it is good to see that disabled athletes in wheelchairs also compete alongside the two-legged competitors. Many such events also raise huge amounts for charity as less talented runners (some in fancy dress) complete the distance backed by personal sponsors. That is perhaps the greatest asset of this modern phenomenon that has become part sport and part folk festival. Spectators get to watch a major sporting event without having to pay a cent, and ordinary Joe joggers get to rub shoulders with some of the finest endurance athletes in the world – at least on the start line, anyway. Rarely mentioned are the armies of unpaid helpers who work hard to ensure that these events run smoothly. Putting on a modern big city marathon is a massive and complex logistical exercise, and it requires the co-operation of many including local police and civic authorities.

Male/Female

THE WASHINGTON POST Style Invitational recently postulated that English should have male and female nouns, like most other languages. Readers were asked to assign a gender noun of their choice, and explain their reasoning. Here are some of the best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER – female, because once turned on, it takes a while to warm up. It is also an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but it can also wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

TYRE – male, because it goes bald, and is often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get anywhere you have to light a fire under it; and, of course, there's also the hot air part.

SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE – female, because they are always getting hit on.

SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS – female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER – male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 10,000 years, though it's handy to have one around.

REMOTE CONTROL – female, because it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

(My thanks to Phil Hamilton for these)

A Bit Country

Here is a listing of the Top 15 country song titles, courtesy of Len Agar:

15 “If I can't be number one in your life, then number two on you.”

14 “If the telephone don't ring, you'll know it's me.”

13 “How can I miss you if you won't go away?”

12 “I liked you better before I got to know you so well.”

11 “I still miss you baby, but my aim is getting better.”

10 “I wouldn't take her to a dog fight ‘cause I'm afraid that she'd win.”

9 “Honey, I'll marry you tomorrow but let's honeymoon tonight.”

8 “I'm so miserable without you it's like having you here.”

7 “If I had shot you when I wanted to I'd be out of prison by now.”

6 “My wife ran off with my best friend and I sure do miss him.”

5 “She got the ring and I got the finger.”

4 “Darling, you are the reason our kids are so ugly.”

3 “Her teeth were stained but her heart was pure.”

2 “She's looking better after every beer.”

1 “I haven't gone to bed with any ugly women, but I've sure as hell woken up

with a few.”

Hot Air

A MAN in a hot air balloon realised that he was lost, so he reduced altitude until he spotted a woman a few feet below him. He descended a little more and shouted to her, “Excuse me, lady, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.”

The woman replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately ten feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

The balloonist was astounded. “You must be in Information Technology”, he replied, after some thought.

“I am,” said the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything, in fact, you have delayed me.”

The woman responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am”, said the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well”, said the woman, “you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is that you are in exactly the same position you were in before you shouted out from above to me, but now, somehow, it's all my fault.”

Duuuuuhhhhhh!!!

AFTER HURRICANE Katrina struck Louisiana and especially the city of New Orleans with devastating results in September, President George Walker Bush declared the flooding a national disaster. Relief efforts were launched from all over the world after local attempts to contain the situation proved inadequate. The British government responded to appeals to help feed flood victims moved from Louisiana to Texas by sending a large contingent of boxed MREs (meals ready to eat). The federal government then stepped in and inspected the donation. It was quickly discovered that the boxed meals contained British meat, that the FDA years before had declared unfit for American citizens on the grounds that it may contain ‘Mad Cows Disease'. Then what did FDA officials do with the shipment of food for flood victims?

Forward it on to a famine-stricken African country where the meals could be eaten by starving people?

No – they destroyed it on the spot! Has the USA just become the world's biggest and most lunatic consumer society?

Buzzing Undies

A woman collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure. The kinky 33 year old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated Passion Pants bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun.

But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost consciousness. She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knickers still buzzing. They took them off her and the ambulance took her to hospital.

The woman, whose identity has been kept private, suffered no long lasting ill effects. And as she left hospital, a paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag.

A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain told The Sun “We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough already.”

Did you know......

THE MOTORCYCLE daredevil Evel Knievel was named Robert Craig Knievel soon after his birth on 17 October 1938. He claimed to have gained his stage name from Steve McQueen, who fancied himself as something of a hotshot motorcyclist after starring in the movie ‘The Great Escape'. The pair met up to trade stunts, and Knievel quickly left McQueen in the dust. They went out drinking afterwards, and the Hollywood star reportedly said to Knievel, “Man, you are EVIL!”

Knievel's most memorable quote was when he was planning to jump the Snake River Canyon, Idaho in a rocket-cycle on 8 September 1974. He said, “I looked at that damn canyon and I thought, ‘That's too big for a motorcycle jump.' But you know, the more I drank, the smaller it got!” He made the jump, but his parachute blew him and his cycle back into the Canyon and he almost hit the water.

ON 25 September 1978 Mary Fuller was driving along a road in San Diego, California, when a human body came crashing through her car windscreen. It had been thrown clear of a plane crash nearby.

ALASKA WAS purchased by the USA from Russia on 30 March 1867. At the time, many American politicians criticised the move, believing that taking over such a vast wasteland to be a costly folly. Over the years, however, Alaska has proved to be an extremely profitable investment, reaping a rich harvest of gold and oil; the latter liquid being vital to lubricate all modern consumer societies.

LA PAZ in Bolivia is so high above sea level that the air has barely enough oxygen to support a fire.

KING JAMES I of England died on

27 March 1625. After Sir Walter Raleigh

had introduced tobacco to England,

King James wrote what might be called

the first Government health warning –

it was a booklet condemning smoking

as dangerous and anti-social.

Mistake

PRESIDENT GEORGE Walker Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before Secret Service agents could get to him, three boys who were out fishing pulled him out of the water. Bush was so grateful that he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first boy said, “I would like to go to Disneyland.”

“No problem,” said Bush, “I'll take you there on Air Force One.”

The second boy said, “I would like a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's.”

“I'll get ‘em for you and even have Michael sign them!” said Bush.

The third kid said, “I want a racing motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset, Mr President.” Bush was puzzled. “You don't look like a handicapped person to me,” he observed.

“No”, said the boy, “but I will be, when my dad finds out that I helped save your ass from drowning!”

Political Quote

“The brilliance of the American political system for 200 years lies in its' giving the rich a licence to steal from the poor and making them think that they voted for it.”

(Gore Vidal)

Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper (March 19, 1921-April 15, 1984) was a British comedian and magician born in Caerphilly, Wales . Cooper made an art form of getting magic tricks wrong. He is considered by many to be one of the most inventive and funny British comedians since Charlie Chaplin. It should be noted, however, that despite his purported inability to perform conjuring tricks, he was in reality an accomplished magician and member of the Magic Circle . Famed for his red fez, he had a host of catchphrases such as “Just like that!”, “Spoon, jar, jar, spoon!!” and “Whisky, sample, sample, whisky, sample...”.

Tommy Cooper took up show business in 1947 after seven years in the Army, and rapidly became a top-liner in variety with his turn as the conjuror whose tricks never succeeded.

On April 15, 1984, Tommy Cooper collapsed in front of millions of television viewers, midway through his act, on the popular ITV variety show, Live from Her Majesty's. Most of the audience thought it was part of his act until it became apparent that he was seriously ill. He was pronounced dead on arrival at nearby Charing Cross hospital. Here are just a few of the jokes that made him a legend in British comedy...

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says “I'll give you some cream to put on it.”

“Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.”

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.“

“Is it common? “

“It's not unusual.”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “

“Well,” says the vet, “let's have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says “I'm going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he's cross-eyed? “

“No, because he's really heavy”

Guy goes into the doctor's. “Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside

“How's that?”

“Don't you start”

“Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's

and H's.”

“Well you can't say fairer than that then”

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

So I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.”

I said “Why?” He said “My dog's died.'”

“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

‘Who's speaking please?' And a voice said ‘You are.'”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said ‘It depends where you're calling from.'”

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside myhouse.' He said ‘I'm not stopping you.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,and he said ‘You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said “You've been promotedagain. ‘ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You'remanaging director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?'

And I said ‘I careered off the road.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me ‘Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “your round.” The other one says “so are you, you fat git!!”

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.' So that was nice.”

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said “ I haven't seen you in a long time “ The man replied “I know I've been ill”

A man walked into the doctors, he said “I've hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said “well don't go there any more”

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

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