Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

THE SACRED BAND OF WAR & LOVE

In ancient Thebes, centuries before the time of Christ, the ‘Sacred Band' was a famous fighting force of 300 men entirely composed of male lovers. As a sacred code of honour, the Sacred Band of Thebes never retreated or surrendered. In action the Band formed an unflawed shield line. The couples were forged into a single bar, each man's shield overlapping the left-hand man. The elder of each pair, the erastes, kept the right, which was the spear side. The younger, known as the eromenos, had the side of the shield. The right was the side of honour, and though an eromenos might grow up stronger, he would never ask his lover to cede it. All this was governed by ancient laws. To be a member of the Sacred Band was the highest honour awarded in Thebes. The Band could always be instantly spotted in combat: they wore bronze hat-like Boeotian helmets and carried round shields edged with cable-work burnished to shine like gold even in the dust of battle. Their weapons were six-foot (1.83m) long spears with iron blades and short stabbing swords.

These remarkable men made their last stand at the battle of Chaironeia in 338 BC where the army of Philip II of Macedon faced a confederation of Greek states, including the Sacred Band. Philip's son Alexander (18) was commander of the Macedonian cavalry. After some very hard fighting, Alexander called on the Band to surrender, but their commander Patron refused, saying that he did not know the meaning of the word. Alexander's men were then forced to massacre the entire Band, who all died fighting, true to their sacred vows. They were given the heroes' right of a common tomb and remained buried together below a giant statue of the Lion of Chaironeia. Alexander of course was soon to become Alexander the Great, after the assassination of his father in 336 BC.

Research: ‘Fire from Heaven' by Mary Renault, Penguin Books, 1972

SPORTS QUOTES

“And also in the line-up for the Women's Hammer Final is Russia's Olympic Champion Olga Kuzenkova who is from the Ukraine.”

Connie Henry, IAAF Radio, at the 2005 Athletics World Championships

“And after that jump by Tommy Evila, Finns are flying all around the stadium.”

Connie Henry

“That's impossible! Dutchmen are not pole-vaulters. They never get more than two metres off the ground all their lives!”

World record holder Sergey Bubka on noting that Rens Blom of Holland had won the Pole Vault World Championship

“And Armstrong still has his nine men together in this team time trial. It's like the three musketeers out there.”

Paul Sherwen

JOB TEST QUESTION

This is an ethics question for a job interview. The test comprises only one question, but it is an important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will be required to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Here is the test:

You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding, and this is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos whilst houses and people swirl around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer....somehow the man looks familiar. Then you realise who it is – George Walker Bush! The President of the USA is fighting for his life just feet away from you; but the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options: you can save the life of George W Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photograph, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here is the question and please give an honest answer:

Would you select (a) high contrast colour film; (b) use digital colour imaging; or (c) go with the classic simplicity of monochrome (black & white) film?

MEDIA QUOTES

“I've always been a bit cynical about the media. Newspapers, plus TV and Radio networks are always owned by big business, and thus they report only the word of Caesar. They give us only the news they consider fit to be aired. So I only believe a fraction of what I see, listen to and read. As far as I'm concerned, if they get the current date correct they have done well.”

Herb Elliott, Australia's 1960 Olympic Champion

“Whenever President George Walker Bush takes the Moral High Ground, everybody around him gets altitude sickness.”

Gore Vidal

WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT, WARNEY?

Shane Warne's teammates were perplexed one morning to see Shane walk into the changing rooms with a pair of women's panties on one arm. Somewhat used to ‘Warney's' tendencies, they let it go and went about getting ready for the day's game. The day wore on; Shane bowled a few overs and the batsmen came and went with puzzled expressions on their faces, but one dared ask about the panties. Finally, Ricky Ponting walked up to Shane between overs and gently whispered to him. “Err, Shane”, he said, “we've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're a bit worried that you are wearing a pair of women's panties on your left arm. Please tell me that this does not mean more trouble for the team in the tabloid press.”

Shane Warne grinned. “No worries, mate”, he said. “It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit.”

DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into the office of a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened carefully to the bird's chest. After a minute the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I'm sorry, Mrs Venables, your duck Cuddles has passed away. In other words – he is dead.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I am sure. Your duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure?” the desperate woman protested. “I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a deep coma for all we know.”

The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As Mrs Venables looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, returning a few moments later with a large Siamese cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 per cent certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. “One hundred and fifty dollars!” she cried, “How can you charge me $150 just to tell me that my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged. “I'm sorry, Mrs Venables. If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have been about twenty dollars, but with the lab. Report and CAT scan, it's now $150.”

DID YOU KNOW.......

FROGGY GOES LEAPING Frog Jumping Competitions are held regularly all over California, on the west coast of the USA. Apparently these creatures are natural long jumpers with the best of them capable of leaping the equivalent of 40 ft (12.18 metres) in human terms.

RUSSIA'S FIVE-DAY WEEK In 1929, the revolutionary government of Russia declared that each week should forthwith consist of only five days. This lasted until 1940 when the seven-day week used by all other countries was restored.

HOT AND COLD, BABY The temperature on the planet Mars can go as high as eighty degrees Fahrenheit during the Martian day and as low as minus one hundred and ninety degrees during the night.

TREE HUGGERS WILL APPROVE Did you know that cutting down a tree was a hanging offence in Britain until 1819?

A SAINT FOR BURNING The Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Empire, who had more than 40,000 people burned at the stake for heresy, was canonised by the Vatican in Rome in 1860.

SPARTAN REGULATIONS If men in ancient Sparta were not married by the age of thirty, they lost the right to vote and were also barred from the very popular male nude parties. Spartans married mainly to procreate, whilst sexual relations between men was idealised as the purest form of love.

NEWS FROM MISSOURI

A man from Missouri passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it until she is 14 years old.

People in Missouri now go to movie theatres in groups of eighteen. They were told that “17 and under are not admitted.”

The Governor's mansion in Missouri burned down! Yep. Pretty nearly took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too. Both books went up – poof! Up in flames, and they hadn't even finished colouring one of them.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Missouri to 32? It seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

A new law was recently passed in Missouri. When a couple gets divorced they are STILL cousins.

At the scene of an accident a State Trooper asked the Missouri driver what gear he was in at the moment of impact. The man replied, “Tractor hat and camouflage hunting outfit, officer.”

Where was the toothbrush invented? Missouri (and West Virginia). If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a ‘teeth brush'.

A Missouri State Trooper pulls over a pickup on I-44 and asks the driver, “Got any ID?”

The driver replies, “About what?”

Did you hear about the three million dollars Missouri State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for the next million years.

How can you tell if a Missouri redneck is married? There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

What do they call reruns of ‘Hee Haw' in Missouri? Documentaries.

A Missouri man spoke frantically into the telephone. “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” Asked the doctor. “No ya dummy!” The man shouted, “This is her husband!”

Thanks to Len Agar

OLD GUNS FOR NEW

Corruption is already rearing its' ugly head in the military occupation of Iraq, which is costing American taxpayers around 4 billion dollars a month. A consignment of German Heckler & Koch MP5 sub-machine guns destined for the Iraqi police was purchased by the US government at a cost of 3,500 dollars for each weapon. What was actually delivered to Iraq police were Egyptian made knock-offs (copies) worth just 200 dollars each. Some middlemen in the US-backed government had sold the ‘kosher' guns to Iraqi militia for about 1,000 dollars each, and then delivered the cheap copies to the Iraqi police!

Time Magazine

This reminds me of South Vietnam between 1965-1975 when Saigon cowboys and some South Vietnamese officials spent all their time swindling the American government (Military Assistance Command, Vietnam). Planeloads of opium, flown down from Laos to Saigon by the CIA, was also processed into heroin and then sold to American servicemen in the south. Kickbacks, payoffs and theft were rife. It seemed that everyone, from bar girls to politicians, was on the make. Whenever there is war, some well-placed people always make a profit. War is big business, and in Iraq, business is good.

WORDS FOR THE WORK PLACE

Some new words for 2005 which may be essential additions to the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING – sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and exactly who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER – a manager who files in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS – the process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY – the experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die by day's end.

CUBE FARM – an office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING – when someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO – the on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch version.

SITCOM – single income, two children, oppressive mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops work to stay home with the children.

STRESS PUPPY – a person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT – ATM or credit card rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away with extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY – euphemism for swiping free photocopies from the workplace.

IRRITAINMENT – entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but somehow addictive. (For Britons, ‘Blind Date' is a prime example).

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – the fine art of whacking the hell out of an electronic device to get it working again.

ADMINISPHERE – the rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems that they were designed to solve.

GENERICA – features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where you are. These include fast food joints, strip malls and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND – the miniscule fraction of time during which you realise that you have just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFS – well-off older folks. (My thanks to Doug East for these)

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