Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

AIR-CONDITIONED GAMES

Pattaya played host to Thailand 's first ever INDOOR Track & Field meeting

last November as part of The First Asian Indoor Games: a nine sports festival

held over one week at various venues throughout the country. I think this was

also the first ever Indoor athletics meeting anywhere to be air-conditioned.

We associate European and American indoor track with freezing cold weather

outside, requiring heated stadiums. Not so in Thailand . Whilst the temperature

inside Pattaya's magnificent new 480 million baht arena was held at a comfortable

24 degrees Centigrade, the sun was beating down outside where it was above 30

degrees C! Good meeting, too.

AIR RAGE IN THE LAND OF SMILES

During a recent flight from Bangkok to Phuket, an angry passenger threw a cup

of hot noodles at an air hostess. It seems that the female passenger objected to

being asked to switch her cellphone off during takeoff. Air Asia flight FD3015 had

just taken off from the capital when the passenger tried to make a call. The flight

attendant asked her to switch off her telephone but the passenger refused. As the

hostess turned away, the passenger suddenly threw the cup of food at her, hitting

the airline worker in the back. The passenger later claimed the hostess called her

names, but could not produce any witnesses. When the aircraft landed in Phuket

police were informed and the captain, flight attendant and passenger were told to

report to local police. The mid-air spat resulted in over 200 passengers booked

on the return flight (Phuket-Bangkok) being kept waiting for nearly four hours at

Phuket airport as the matter was sorted out. As you can imagine, tempers were

frayed all around. Losing your rag at a critical moment can cause ripples affecting

many others. Not a smart thing to do.

OTTO SKORZENY-GERMAN HERO

History does not allow the Nazis to have heroes, but they did include one notable

man, who like Adolf Hitler was actually born an Austrian. When the Italians

surrendered to the allies on 8 September 1943, Hitler was left with a problem

regarding his old buddy and fellow dictator Benito Mussolini. The latter was being

held in captivity by fellow Italians who had removed him from power. Mussolini

was languishing in a remote location high in the Italian Alps and Hitler wanted

him rescued. The man for the job was a Colonel in an elite German commando

corps named Otto Skorzeny. Born in Vienna in 1908 where he became a fearless

fencer, Skorzeny sported a dramatic dueling sword scar on his right cheek. Otto

was a man of action: during the takeover of Austria in 1938, Skorzeny had rescued

Austrian President Wilhelm Miklas from being executed by psychotic German

hoods.

On 12 September 1943, Skorzeny and his men parachuted into the Gran Sasso

Hotel in the Appennine Mountains where Mussolini was being held and rescued

the Italian dictator from his captors. A STOL (short take-off and landing)

aircraft then took the fascist Italian leader to safety. The exploit earned Skorzeny

worldwide fame, promotion to major and the Knight's Cross, a high order of the

Iron Cross.

In October 1944 in ‘Operation Greif', Skorzeny and 24 of his men dressed in

Americans uniforms and rode in captured jeeps to sow confusion as they penetrated

American lines during the Battle of the Bulge. Some of his men were captured and

told their interrogators that Skorzeny planned to kidnap General Eisenhower,

supreme allied commander in Paris . This was untrue, but the Americans took

it seriously and ‘Ike' was confined to his HQ for weeks.

Skorzeny spent the first two months of 1945 commanding regular troops in

the defence of the German provinces of Prussia and Pomerania as an acting

major general. Hitler then awarded him Germany 's highest military order,

the Oak Leaves to the Knight's Cross for his gallant defence of Frankfurt .

Skorzeny surrendered to Allied forces in May 1945 and was held as a POW

for two years before being tried as a war criminal for his actions during the

Battle of the Bulge. He was acquitted when master spy Wing Commander

Yeo Thomas testified in his defence that elite members of the allies had also

fought in enemy uniform. Skorzeny remained in captivity until he pulled off

a daring escape from a prison camp in Germany on 27 July 1948.

He settled in Spain with a passport granted him by the fascist Franco regime and

resumed his pre-war occupation as an engineer. In 1952 Skorzeny was officially

‘de-Nazified' in abstentia by a German government arbitration board. By then

he was working as a consultant to the Egyptian dictator Gamel Abdel Nasser

before travelling to Argentina to assist President Juan Peron. During this time

he was rumoured to have helped several of his friends in the secret SS escape

network known as ‘ Odessa '. Many former Nazis escaped trial as war criminals by

travelling to South America using this elaborate network. (Some of them were

even helped by leading officials in the Vatican , though this has of course always

been officially denied). Otto Skorzeny, a brilliant Austrian who was successful at

almost anything he attempted, died a multi-millionaire in Madrid in 1975. Even

his enemies had a grudging respect for his daring and military skills. The character

played by Michael Caine in the 1977 movie ‘The Eagle has landed' was based on

Otto Skorzeny.

KANGAROO TESTICLE COOKING?

An Aussie hoaxer has left organisers of ‘The World testicle-cooking Championship' in the lurch after

claiming that he was the nation's leading kangaroo testicle cook. A man calling himself Nigel Bevan

failed to turn up for the event after contacting organisers to boast of his credentials and asking them to

order a supply of kangaroo testicles for the competition.

Villagers in Sumska Kuca in northern Serbia turned out in huge numbers to see what delights the

Australian chef could come up with and a band was ready to strike up a welcome to the mysterious

Mister Bevan. The crowds left disappointed and the organisers were out of pocket after buying the

kangaroo testicles with no one to cook them. A team of Serbian chefs called Boemi (Bohemians) from

Gornji Milanovic won against 11 other teams by preparations of wild boar and bull testicles which

delighted the judges.

ANIMALS IN THE DOCK

In the past, dumb beasts have often been put on trial. Animals were commonly hauled before the courts

of medieval Europe over the centuries. In France alone, 92 cases are recorded between 1120 and

1740, when one trial ended with the execution of a cow. At Lavegny , France in 1457, a sow and her six piglets were taken to court, charged with having murdered and partly eaten a young child. The pig was found guilty and condemned to death, but the piglets were acquitted because of their age, the bad example set by their mother, and the absence of direct proof connecting them with the crime. The correct legal forms were always observed. Domestic pets and livestock were usually tried in the common criminal courts, whilst wild animals were tried by the Catholic Church. Ecclesiastical trials might result in the penalty of death by exorcism and excommunication, which was often a lengthy business. If local people were annoyed by ‘beastly miscreants', the creatures could be called upon three times to appear before the court and answer the charges. When they failed to do so, judgement was given against them by default. A warning would then be issued, ordering the animals to leave the district within a given time. If they failed to do so, the exorcism was solemnly pronounced. The processes of law are slow at the best of times. Since church elders were never quite sure that their exorcisms would work, they were especially reluctant to pronounce them. One 15th-century lawsuit between the people of St Julien and a beetle colony lasted for no less than 42 years.

The great lawyer Bartholomew Chassanee made his name during a famous case of the town of Autun vs. local

rats accused of willful damage. Chassanee was appointed as defence counsel for the rats and threw himself into

the legal battle with skill and passion. The rats were described as “dirty animals of a greyish colour, living

in holes.” He was asked solemnly by the judge: “Why have your clients not appeared before the court on this,

the appointed day?” Chassanee first excused them on the grounds that the summons was incorrectly phrased,

and should have specified all the rats of the diocese. Then he successfully pleaded for an extension of the deadline on

the grounds that many of his clients were elderly and infirm rodents for whom special arrangements had to be made.

When the defendants failed to turn up for the third appointment, he explained that the rats were in fact most anxious to appear before the court but were being frightened off by the large number of malevolent cats kept by the plaintiffs. The court had a duty to protect all defendants. Let all the cats of the town be locked up with assurances that they would not molest his clients and the rats would most certainly appear to answer the charges against them. The court accepted his plea. But the citizens of Autun would not agree to bind over their cats to keep the peace. The case was dismissed – Chassanee had won, although he was unable to collect a fee from his clients. In a case in Germany in 1499, the trial of a bear was delayed for months on the grounds that the creature in the court's custody had a right to be tried by a jury of his peers (i.e. other bears). In Italy in 1519 some moles were charged with crop damage, and sentenced in their absence to banishment. But the court was prepared to be considerate, promising safe conduct with an extension of 14 days to all expectant mothers and infant moles.

Courts were not always so understanding, however. Where charges of ‘sorcery' were involved an animal could not

expect any mercy. At Basle in 1474, a cock was tried before a court for having laid an egg. The defence vainly pleaded

that the act was harmless and involuntary, and as such not punishable by law. The prosecution contended that only

through Satan could a male bird lay an egg. The cock was therefore a devil in disguise. The hapless cock, with its evil

egg, was duly burned at the stake after being declared guilty of sorcery. Animals have also appeared in the witness box. In Savoy , before its union with France , there was a law that stated that if a householder killed an intruder into his/her home at night, the act would be considered justifiable homicide. But authorities worried that someone might deliberately entice another person to their home for the purpose of murdering them, and claim afterwards that the victim was a prowler. So a householder was not held to be innocent unless some animal such as a dog, a cat or a cockerel was produced from the house to bear witness. The owner of the house had to declare his or her innocence on oath before the creature. The law assumed that God would make the dumb animal speak out rather than permit a murderer to escape justice. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I rest my case.

MOVIE QUOTES

“I hear that Crassus has cut down whole forests in order to crucify what remains

of the slave army of Spartacus. He plans to turn the Appian Way into a graveyard.

My god, the tree-lovers will be up in arms!”

(Alan Bates as Senator Agrippa in the 2004 Hallmark TV version of ‘Spartacus')

“Hell, I've got nothing against Indians, but I like to shoot one before noon every

day; how about you? I figure it's their fault too: being on our land before we got

here.” (Sarcastic Mel Gibson in ‘Maverick')

Quiz question: which actor made these two movie quotes? “You want me to look

on your armies and tremble? I see them and what I see are fifty thousand men

gathered here for one man's greed.”

(Hector of Troy in ‘ Troy ')

PRESIDENTIAL BRIEFING

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers

were killed.”

“OH No!” The President exclaims. “That is just terrible,

Rummy!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously

watching as the president sits, with his head in his hands.

Finally the President looks up and asks, “Just how many are

there in a brazillion?”

TRADE IN YOUR CAR FOR A SEASON TICKET

Gwent Council in Newport , South Wales has hit on a

unique scheme to get more locals using public transport.

The Council will give any local motorist one year of free

rail travel if they will agree to have their car crushed and

recycled in the local pound. Several hundred have taken up

the offer. One young worker found that he arrived at his

job (45km away) some 40 minutes quicker if he went by

rail and thus had no regrets at seeing his car crushed to pulp

in exchange for a year's worth of free rail travel. I guess the

deal makes sense if you have been travelling to work in an

old banger that cannot last much longer, and appreciate the

relative comfort travelling to work by rail.

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