Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

German Records Under Fire

A report by Associated Press on 12 October 2005 stated that the German athletics federation (DLV) planned to check the validity of 22 national records held by athletes from the former East Germany because of suspicions many used banned drugs. Ines Geipel (née Schmidt) prompted the investigation by asking that her name be erased from the SC Motor Jena team that has held the German club record for the women's 4x100m relay since 1984 with 42.20 seconds.

Geipel (11.21sec for 100 metres in 1983 and 6.98m long jump in 1984), who is now a professor and an author of a book on the subject, said the record is tainted because it has been shown since German unification in 1990 that the East used systematic doping.

A DLV commission will examine documents and intends to nullify records where a strong link to doping can be established. Federation president Clemens Prokop said: “It's not just about the examination of the Geipel case, but a comprehensive look at all the athletics records in the past from the East and West.” (Source: Athletics International e-mail edition number 24, 2005)

It has been known for years that sport in the GDR was organised on a basis of systematic doping. Scientists known as ‘sports doctors' worked in co-operation with coaches to establish and administer drug dosages in all major sports. There is extensive evidence that big name track stars such as Marlies Ghor, Marita Koch, Heike Dreschsler, Ilona Slupianek (the only GDR athlete ever to test positive!) plus Thomas Schonlebe, Lutz Dombrowski and Ulf Timmermann achieved their records using steroids. Koch's amazing world record of 47.60sec for 400 metres has lasted more than 20 years whilst no woman has even remotely approached it. (She clocked the same time as the world record set by Scotsman Eric Liddell in taking the 1924 Olympic title in Paris).

But the Western world should not be too self-righteous about this. Many western athletes use drugs, often with covert approval from authorities. World Records of 10.49sec (100m) and 21.34sec (200m) set by Florence Griffith Joyner (USA) in 1988 are still way ahead of today's top female sprinters. As far as I am aware, there is no discussion of deleting those marks from the record books (though the 100 metres time should be; on the basis of excessive wind assistance). Impressive world records at 1500, 3000 and 10,000 metres set by female Chinese athletes in 1993 also remain unapproachable. To be fair all the above athletes never tested positive.

It is well known that many current top track stars get protection from the embarrassment of drug busts. Charlie Francis, coach to the infamous Ben Johnson, once wrote of the modern track scene as “a see-no-evil world where high-minded condemnation of drug use co-exist with the cynical protection of doped-up superstars.” Does anyone seriously believe that if those national records are retrospectively deleted the sport in Germany will somehow be purged and purified?

Some major sports simply sweep their drug problem under the carpet. The fall-out of negative publicity resulting from a major star testing positive would cripple the sport's image, resulting in sponsors pulling out, and inevitably less fans pouring through the turnstiles. No governing body wants to risk that. In the final analysis, it all comes down to money, and modern professional sport is big business.

In 1997 the UK Sports Council's drug testing lab detected three positives relating to one very popular sport. The governing body (which had the names to link to the coded samples) was duly informed, but took no action. Leading officials in the sport debated the positives in closed session, and decided that there was “No case to answer” in every instance. A letter of protest from the Sports Council was never even acknowledged. I can testify to the truth of this as I was working on a news story monitoring the work of the UK Sports Council at the time.

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! He swung his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!” The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai. The Chinese warrior also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!” Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?” The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”

My thanks to Doug East for this one

Pamplona's Frantic Bull Festival

What is the world's most perilous run? Perhaps the Badwater Ultra-marathon that stretches 135 miles across Death Valley? No, in my view it has to be the annual ‘Running of the Bulls' in the Spanish City of Pamplona, an event made famous by author Ernest Hemmingway, who took part in this crazy discipline himself during the 1930's.

The ‘Encierro' as the Spanish call the run, is a key part of the annual San Fermin Festival – a nine days long fiesta of music, theatre, boozing and bull fighting. It all started in the 15th century, but it was not until around 1900, when Encierro runners began taking outrageous risks, that the first deaths were reported. Every morning during the fiesta in July, a small herd of very large bulls is released onto a half-mile enclosed course running through the streets of Pamplona's old town and down to the bullring.

Waiting on the course, and dressed in the traditional all-white costume with red sashes and bandanas, are hundreds of locals and tourists, all eager to participate in Europe's best-known extreme sport. Within seconds of release the bulls are among the runners. Herded by drovers with long sticks their sole aim is to escape the claustrophobia of the narrow street as quickly as they can – and these four-legged fellows can travel at speed of up to 40 kilometres per hour. Any unfortunate runners getting in their way can be quickly dispatched with a quick toss of very sharp horns.

Many of the runners are drunk from a night of chugging down sangria, but all of them are determined to experience the thrill of sprinting in front of, or alongside, these mighty half-ton beasts. Their only defence is a rolled-up newspaper that they can use to slap the bull on the nose if one gets too close.

Thousands of spectators line the route, perched on the barriers or peering down from balconies above. As the stampede flies past they shout, cheer and throw beer and sangria. Some terrified runners always tumble over on the slippery cobbles where they can be lacerated by broken glass. Medics stand-by all along the route, ready to whisk the badly injured off to hospital. In July 2005 there were 38 revellers that required medical attention. The first reported death occurred in 1910 and the bloodiest festivals were in 1947 and 1980, when two men were gored to death by the frantic bulls of Pamplona.

Every morning, the more spiritual participants gather around a shrine near the starting line. Here they chant a homily to San Fermin, the saint to whom the festival is dedicated. They pray for his protection throughout the furious three or four minutes of desperate running ahead of them. Most times San Fermin is compassionate. But sometimes he is not.

Dominic Bliss, Running Fitness, November 2005

Clocking busty woman is good for you!

An eyeful a day keeps the doctor away. That's the message from recent research involving a five years study of 200 male guinea pigs. The survey concluded that staring at women's breasts is good for men's health and helps them to live longer. Researchers discovered that ten minutes of ogling women's breasts is as healthy as half an hour in the gym. Men who enjoy a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily ‘eyeful'.

Doctor Karen Weatherby, who carried out the study in Germany, wrote in the New England Journal of Medicine: “Just ten minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to an aerobics workout of 30 minutes. Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There is no question that gazing at female breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this harmless activity for a few minutes daily cuts the risk of a stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average male can extend his life by four to five years.” Yes, well, I'm a legs man myself – I leave the rest to udders.

Fancy That!

Back in 1981, Prince Charles got married, the Pope died, Liverpool FC won the European (Soccer) Championship and the Aussies lost the Ashes. In 2005, Prince Charles got married (again), the Pope died, Liverpool FC won the European Championship and the Aussies lost the Ashes. If the Prince Wales should decide to marry again, perhaps someone should warn the Pope – and Australia's professional Cricketers.

Burger King

The officially recognised world record for eating burgers is 69 of them consumed in eight minutes by a Japanese student in 2004. Now don't you feel better for knowing that useless piece of information?

Gladiators emperors

The Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius Commodus (161-192) ruled the mighty Roman Empire from 180 to 192 AD. He was portrayed magnificently by Joaquin Phoenix in Ridley Scott's award-winning movie ‘Gladiator' (2000); and was indeed known as ‘the gladiator emperor'. Commodus favoured the long bow, and would often begin the afternoon's bloodletting sessions in the coliseum by shooting down wild animals released onto the sand for the crowd's pleasure. The carnage was terrible as Commodus shot down tigers, bears and antelope from his position in the Imperial Tribune. There were great roars of approval from spectators as each animal fell to his arrows.

He also often fought (Thracian style) in the arena, and always won – it would not go down well if the emperor were defeated in combat. He was proud of his mastery of the difficult art of left-handed fighting, and none of the gladiators matched against him ever ventured to win. Dio Cassius writes: ‘Before entering the amphitheatre Commodus would put on a long-sleeved tunic of silk, white interwoven with gold spangles, and a crown made of gems from India, and he carried a herald's staff like that of the god Mercury'. He was accompanied into the arena by Quintus Aemilius Laetus his praetorian prefect and his chamberlain Eclectus, who plotted his murder.

Commodus awarded himself huge sums (typically 1 million sesterces) for each victory and almost bankrupted the empire's gladiatorial fund in his lust for blood. He fought 365 duels in his father's lifetime (105-180AD) and almost 700 more as emperor. By the end of his 12-years reign, his psychotic excesses had sickened almost everyone and he was eventually poisoned by his mistress. But Commodus vomited up the poison, and it was left to one of his bodyguards, a black Nubian slave named Narcissus, to strangle the young emperor to death. He did not die in the coliseum fighting the Roman general Maximus Desimus Meridus as depicted by Ridley Scott in his epic movie. I'm afraid the death-duel between Maximus and Commodus is just another piece of Hollywood fiction, dreamed up by imaginative scriptwriters.

The infamous Caligula (Gaius Giamanicus), Rome's emperor from 37 to 41 AD, was also known to fight in the coliseum; though his bouts were even more one-sided. Once, he fought a slave armed only with a wooden sword whilst he used a sharpened metal blade and iron shield. As his opponent took a dive, Caligula stabbed him through the throat and then finished him off as he lay bleeding on the sand. He then took up the laurel wreath of victory and waved it triumphantly to the crowd as he ran around the arena! Successful gladiators were highly popular among the common people of Rome, even though most aristocratic Romans considered the whole idea of slaughtering animals and people for public sport as contemptible.

‘Gladiators: the bloody truth' by Michael Grant, Penguin Books, 1967

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