Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:
Something went wrong in Jet Crash, expert Says
[No, really?]
Police begin campaign to run down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
[Not if you wipe thoroughly!]
Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over
[What a guy!]
Miners refuse to work after death

[Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War dims hope for peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last awhile
[You think?]
Cold wave linked to temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield couple slain; Police suspect homicide
[They may be on to something]
Red tape holds up new bridges !
[ You mean here's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man struck by lightning: faces battery charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New study of obesity looks for larger
test group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans]
Kids make nutritious snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School dropouts cut in half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again]
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead!!

(My thanks to Len Agar for this collection of amusing headlines)

‘RENDITION' IS THE NEW BUZZ WORD

 US Secretary of State Condalezza Rice invented a new term last December. Apparently the term ‘rendition' is not necessarily a musical performance. It can also refer to exporting prisoners from and between foreign countries. By some sort of covert agreement, this can also be done without observing any of the legal niceties. These enemies of the state can also be held in foreign countries for ‘questioning' where US domestic laws conveniently do not apply.

 After the USA was attacked by hijacked suicide aircraft on 11 September 2001, the country's intelligence services were hastily pulled together and streamlined. When George Tenet resigned as Director of Central Intelligence, John Negroponte (a former US ambassador to Iraq) became NID (National Intelligence Director) with all diverse agencies, such as CIA, NSC (National Security Council) and the FBI under his controlling umbrella. This was to be able to act more efficiently on intelligence information: it seems that the FBI and CIA had plenty of prior indications of the ‘9/11' attack, but were just too slow to pull all the information together, work out what it meant, and then act on it to stop the terrorist action. And we can safely assume that the gloves have come off the CIA's operations branch which apparently now transports captured terrorists using it's own airline, which used to be known as ‘Air America' back in the days when the CIA was waging a secret war in Laos.

 I suspect that the late Bill Casey, DCI under Ronald Reagan, would have approved. He always maintained that during the Jimmy Carter administration (1973-1977), the CIA was virtually disemboweled under the tenure of Admiral Stansfield Turner.

IRAN-CONTRA (GATE)

 It was DCI Bill Casey and NSC staffer Colonel Oliver North who masterminded and ran the covert ‘arms for hostages' deal from 1983 to 1985. Under this scheme weaponry was sold to Iran in exchange for American hostages, and the profits then diverted to fund the CIA's rebel army (the Contras) operating in Nicaragua against the Sandinista government. North's top secret work was in direct violation of the 1983 Boland Amendment, a piece of legislation specifically forbidding military aid to Nicaragua. The broker in all this was Manucher Ghorbanifar, an oily Iranian who proved to be about as trustworthy as an Arab carpet salesman. When the whole complicated scam unravelled in 1986, Ollie North finally admitted to the National Intelligence Oversight Committee that he had lied under oath to Congress. The man President Ronald Reagan once described as “my favourite marine” was exposed as a lawbreaker.

 In a cynical twist of irony, the CIA was also supplying military aid to Iraq (which was at war with Iran) at this time! Besides selling weapons to Saddam Hussein's war machine during the 1980's, the CIA was allowing Iraqi military brass to view satellite images which revealed Iranian troop movements.  These days Colonel Oliver North, the Vietnam veteran who is part of the devout Christian right wing in the USA, tells war stories on the Fox News television channel. Like President George Walker Bush, North believes reverently in Truth, Justice and The American Way, which presumably includes bombing Iraq into ‘liberation'.

A COWARD IN THE CITY OF ANGELS?

 There is a story that the famous actor and playwright Noel Coward once visited Bangkok. Apparently, the night security manager knocked on Mr Coward's hotel room door one night during his stay at The Oriental.

“Do you have a gentleman in your room, sir?” he asked politely.

 Coward, in his famous drawl, replied, “Just give me a moment, dear boy, and I'll ask him.”

SYMPTOMS OF BIRD FLU

 Here they are: high fever; congestion; nausea; chronic fatigue; aching in the joints; and an irresistible urge to crap on the nearest car windshield.

BIN LADEN GETS IN TOUCH

 After numerous rounds of ‘We don't even know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive' in the press and Intelligence agencies, Osama himself decided to send President George Walker Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know that he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter sent to the White House and found that it appeared to contain just a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

 Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Secretary of State Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no idea as to what it meant, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at that agency either, so it was forwarded to the CIA and then NSA. With no clue as to its meaning the US agencies eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within minutes MI-6 officers cabled the White House with the reply, ‘Tell the President that he has been holding the message upside down.”

EXPOSE AND TRIUMPH

 I was recently confronted in my front doorway by a female salesperson, and boy was she determined! She launched into her sales pitch, delivered in broken English, and ignored all my attempts to tell her that I was not interested in the children's toys that she was trying to unload on me for the bargain price of 250 baht. Eventually I took drastic action: I dropped my shorts. Seeing me wearing nothing but sunglasses and a wristwatch (a horrible sight, I admit) she turned and fled the scene!

ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GARY

 Have you heard the latest about Gary Glitter (Paul Gadd)? Apparently he has asked that when he is cremated, his ashes will be scattered in sandpits, so that children can still play with him.

HISTORICAL QUOTE

 Just before the battle of Thermopylae in September 480 BC a messenger from the Persian forces confronted King Leonidas, who was commanding the 300 Spartans defending the pass. The messenger called on Leonidas to surrender, telling him that the Persian army of a million men had so many archers they would “blacken the sky” with their arrows.

According to Herodotus, Leonidas replied, “Then we will fight in the shade.”

CHINESE PROVERB

What do you call a 17 th century Chinaman dressed for battle?  A Chink in his armour.

GROUCHO'S HEAD COUNT

“There are three types of people on this earth. Those who can count, and those who can't.” (Groucho Marx) 

CONFUSIUS SAYS

Once you can accept the universe as ever-expanding into infinity, then something wearing grey and yellow plaid comes easy.

                                                                          (Concludes, next page)

MOVIE QUOTES

Judge: “Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence on you?”

Flynt: “Your Honour; you haven't made one intelligent decision throughout this trial. Why should I expect one now?  So go ahead and knock yourself out.” (Woody Harrelson as Larry Flynt in ‘The People versus Larry Flynt')

Max (Jamie Foxx): “You killed that guy!”

Vincent: (Tom Cruise) “No, I shot him. The bullets and the fall killed him.”

(From ‘Collateral')

“I regard Pacifists as a morally bankrupt elite. They consider that they have the right not to kill. But of course others always die in defence of that right.” (Roy Schneider as Don Falcone in ‘Romeo is Bleeding')

“There are two types of women: those you can't get rid of; and those you can't get hold of.” (George Clooney as Danny Ocean in ‘Oceans Eleven')      

“By God! I could listen to you lie for hours. You will never know the immense pleasure that I get from goading you!” (Henry II/Peter O'Toole to Eleanor of Aquitaine/Katherine Hepburn in ‘The Lion in Winter')

“You want to know what Hell is like? A fiery furnace where demons jab you in the butt with pitch forks? That's not Hell. Hell is when you should have walked, but you didn't.” (Gary Oldman as Jack Grimaldi in ‘Romeo is Bleeding')         

“Can somebody get me a drink – a double Jack Daniels with soda?  The alcohol is flowing like mud around here!” (Al Pacino in ‘Scent of a woman')

“I have only two things in this world: my word and my balls. And I don't break either of them for anybody.” (Al Pacino as Tony Montana in ‘Scarface')

Quiz question: which actor made these two movie quotes? 

“You want me to look on your armies and tremble?  I see them and what I see are fifty thousand men gathered here for one man's greed.” (Hector of Troy in ‘Troy')

“People ask me, ‘Hey Hoot. Why do you do it, man?' Are you some kinda war junkie?' I don't say goddam a word, ‘cos I can't explain it, and they won't understand, man. They just don't get it.  It's all about the man next to you; and that's all it is.” (Sergeant Norman Hooten in ‘Blackhawk Down')  

Answer: the actor is Eric Bana.

“There are two things that Spain gave to my country (Mexico): the church, and the whip.” (Antonio Banderas as Pancho Villa in ‘And starring Pancho Villa as himself')

“Let me tell you a secret. The gods envy us because we are mortal. Everything is so much more beautiful because we are doomed.” (Brad Pitt as Achilles in ‘Troy')

davidcox@lxinfo.co.th

DIARY OF A SANE MAN

FEBRUARY 16th:

Oxygen tank runs out on way to The Nation office again! Disembarking from motorcycle, rupture re-breather feed. Co-workers comment I look as miserable as several well-known diseases. Dined on apricot and scallop lozenge; tin of Bulgarian sauvignon. It doesn't travel well.

MARCH 1st:

Foolishly volunteer to look after neighbor's pets for weekend. Stick insect escapes and eats my palm tree, a dictionary, and the canary. Blood drips, which makes parrot hyperactive.

MARCH 2nd:

Give strong worming pill to the rabbit in absent-minded fit. Vet called, sees stick insect clinging to half eaten curtain. Runs away. At 6 p. m, peed on by tortoise. Half asleep when gorged stick insect falls into bowl of piranhas. Horrific sight. No survivors. Takes three hours to mop up. Berserk parrot insults landlord. What will I tell neighbors?

MARCH 3rd:

Thoroughly depressed. Disassemble life-support pack and find a false eyelash, a real earlobe, and an apple core stuck in the air-vent. Decide to look for new apartment and new job. Send resume to rival newspaper. Told no background, Open bottle of cheap vodka apparently made out of ex-communists and mashed yams. Tastes like tractor fuel but does the job. Ring mum in London. Told she's caught in a traffic jam under the English Channel. Good god.

JUNE 20th:

Overtaken by 19th empty airport bus this week. Driver smiles, conductor sleeps.

JUNE 30th:

Awake from nightmare convinced that Big Mac is a drug dealer and Big Jiew is a hamburger chain.

JULY 2nd:

Told by friend that when you lose who you are, there is only money. Right on cue, baht plunges.

JULY 4th:

Girlfriend goes on diet. Puts me on one. Says foreign food is out. It's grilled locusts for a week. No problem. What do they taste like? “Microwaved beetles,” she replies.

AUGUST 1st:

Prime minister is vague about everything. My toe is stepped on by blind dwarf selling lottery tickets outside Robinson Department Store. Can this mean anything?

AUGUST 15th:

See photograph of Pol Pot on front page. Looks suspiciously like my Uncle Mac who went missing from retirement home years ago.

AUGUST 21st:

Baht plummets further, narrowly missing well-dressed beggar on pedestrian bridge on Sukhumvit Road. Astonished. I ask him for a job, as he has more money in his bowl than I do in my pocket. He cackles and asks for foreign currency.

SEPTEMBER 1st:

Realise, after 30 columns, that Bangkok doesn't build character. It reveals it.

SEPTEMBER 11th:

Offer the maid Bt500 to immolate interior minister. She shrieks. I freeze. Feel I have insulted her. And I have. Indicates she will be a hero to the Thai people. She demands to do it for only Bt50.

SEPTEMBER 29th:

Passed by 23rd empty airport bus in four days. Conductor driving. Driver asleep.

OCTOBER 3rd:

On the way to The Nation office, upright breaks loose on aural lube filter. Police baffled. Force motorcycle taxi driver to pay hefty fine and rent two imported gas masks. Weather forecast: visibility----40 metres, temperature----39 degrees, nepotism----91 per cent.

OCTOBER 10th:

Girlfriend down to desired weight. Her hairdryer now weighs more than she does. Asks me to ring modeling agency. I want to call UN for a French parachute drop and World Aid. She is not amused. Serves me one fried locust with missing leg for supper.

OCTOBER 14th:

Realise that while in LA a suntan is considered a cultural achievement, and in London a miracle, in Thailand it seems a distinct disadvantage.

OCTOBER 19th:

Tell girlfriend she looks nice. Thin smile. Passes me sautéed dung beetle. Told someone has found a live tree standing in Burma. Ring office. They are hesitant to run story. Told to thoroughly check sources.

OCTOBER 22nd:

My neighbor hasn't spoken since the loss of half his menagerie. Rabbit still missing. His wife passes me in corridor late at night and hisses, ”Even his bees don't buzz like they used to”

OCTOBER 30th:

My Thai still hopeless. Insult someone's grandmother while enquiring about price of durian. Accent on wrong syllable. Put card in ATM machine to withdraw Bt500 and receive 17,409 Russian roubles.

NOVEMBER 1st:

Find rabbit under repossessed Mercedes! I hug complete strangers. Take animal back to owner. Claims it isn't his. So I eat it. Girlfriend sulks in a corner and sips slug fondue through straw.

NOVEMBER 3rd:

Give up smoking, start inhaling pizza. Get offer I can't understand from a girl I can't refuse. Put her card along with the other 2,119 in file marked, “Who the hell are all these people?”

NOVEMBER 5th:

A stranger knocks and enquires if there are any rooms. Not sure. “Are there any mice in the building?” he asks. “No,” I reply. “Oh good.” “The rats ate them all.”

NOVEMBER 6th:

Ivanov Grobavitch places card in ATM machine in downtown Vladivostok. Receives one kyat, two baht, and a photocopy of a man doing rabbit impersonation in Bangkok. Permafrost devours card. Ivanov takes swig of Siberian lighter fluid and dreams of a beach in Thailand where he can fish for innocence along its polluted waters. But he's a little short of roubles right now.

An extract from: What's Your Name, I'm Fine Thank You

by

Roger Beaumont.

Published by

Asia Books

this month

regulars

stories

free ads

sports

golf

funnies

info

back issues