Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

JUSTICE GOES UP IN FLAMES

Nazism in Germany spread in a blaze. On the night of 27 February 1933, less than a month after Adolf Hitler became Chancellor, the Reichstag in Berlin was destroyed by a mighty fire. The historic building (in effect Germany 's Houses of Parliament) went up in a colossal conflagration and the flames seared deep into the pages of 20th century history. For the new Nazi regime claimed at once that the fire was the work of communists, a signal for revolution, and in the subsequent mood of public panic was able to force through emergency laws which suspended civil rights and placed dictatorial powers in evil hands. Any opposition was regarded as treason, and draconian penalties were introduced for many offences. Effectively, the Reichstag fire legalised the Nazi terror machine.

It was all very convenient for Germany 's new fascist rulers and when a young Dutch communist named Marinus van der Lubbe was arrested near the blazing building that night, the Nazis had their scapegoat. A half-witted, shambling youth of 25, van der Lubbe was reported to have been seized with household firelighters on him. Marinus had something of a history as an arsonist and was alleged to have stomped around Berlin in a drunken state saying that he wanted to burn down the Reichstag. In September 1933 he was brought to trial along with his alleged accomplices: three Bulgarian communists named Dimitrov, Popov and Tanev; and the chairman of Germany 's communist party, Ernst Torgler.

It was indeed a show trial, designed to rubber stamp Hitler's rule. Van der Lubbe pleaded guilty, and the trial judges were cravenly complaint to the Nazi regime. And yet, though the court was happy to bend the law whenever it felt necessary to do so, Dimitrov turned in a brilliant performance as his own defence counsel and actually won acquittal for all the defendants except the poor Dutch youth.

In proceedings that lasted three months, the Bulgarian lawyer completely demolished the case against himself and his three colleagues, and he did so with courage and style. Once, for example, when a witness could not be found, Dimitrov asked pointedly whether the concentration camps had been searched!

Evidence was also heard which made the case against Van der Lubbe extremely suspect. Experts testified that it was physically impossible for one man to have brought all the incendiary materials (including gasoline and chemicals) that had started the huge fire. Flames had spurted out in 30 different parts of the building that was blazing away; lighting up the surrounding night, only two minutes and five seconds after Van der Lubbe was alleged to have entered. He could not have done it alone. Yet if the Dutchman was working with accomplices, how had they managed to vanish so quickly from the scene of the crime?

Poor Van der Lubbe was duly sentenced to death and executed in April 1934. But historians of the period have not ceased to probe the fire's unexplained mysteries. It is now widely believed that the blaze was the work of a squad of Nazi goons directed by Karl Ernst, leader of the Berlin SA, who brought the incendiary equipment into the Reichstag through an underground tunnel. They placed the devices in 30 separate locations, and on a signal, started them all off simultaneously on the chosen night.

As for Van der Lubbe, the first attempt to have his case reviewed ended in 1967 with a very strange verdict. He was cleared of the charges of high treason and endangering the Reichstag building. But it was ruled that he had deserved eight years in prison for arson. He was a well-known ‘firebug', it was declared.

This decision did not satisfy the dead man's brother, Jan van der Lubbe of Amsterdam and in December 1982 he was represented in a second review by Dr Robert Kempner. This time a Berlin court ruled that the whole trial had been a miscarriage of justice. “It is not clear whether the Nazis simply manufactured the charges against him”, said Kempner, ‘but if he was involved in starting the fire he was probably manipulated into doing so”. The judges had not cleared up the mystery of the fire, though they had denied the validity of the original trial in 1933. But over 70 years after he was executed, Marinus van der Lubbe is surely entitled to the benefit of the doubt. (‘Trials', by Tim Healey, Hamlyn Books, 1990)

BANG GOES THE JUDGE!

Whilst demonstrating just how a revolver could have been used by the defendant in a shooting case, Judge D F Sotomayor of the Tijuana Court of the First Instance, shot himself behind the left ear and died undergoing medical treatment an hour later. Under the impression that court clerks had removed the cartridges from the handgun, Judge Sotomayor placed the muzzle of the revolver under his left ear and pulled the trigger. The chambered round was directly in line with the muzzle when the hammer fell back. (Press Dispatch, Tijuana, March 1926)

GRAVEYARD OF ROCK STARS

By a weird twist of fate, four world famous rock legends died within exactly two years, between 1969 and 1971. And in another odd coincidence, all four were aged 27. On 3 July 1969, the dead body of Brian Jones of ‘The Rolling Stones' (born in Reading , Berkshire on 28 February 1942) was found floating in his home swimming pool just outside London . Years later, a labourer who had worked for the star made a deathbed confession that he had drowned Jones after a bitter dispute over money.

On 19 September 1970 Jimi Hendrix of ‘The Jimi Hendrix Experience' (born in Seattle , Washington on 27 November 1942) died from an overdose of barbiturates after a concert in London . Biographer Stephen Davis writes: “The official version was that Hendrix had swallowed a handful of Quaaludes and had choked to death when he vomited while in a coma. But it was well known in the music business that Hendrix was leaving his manager, and so was worth more dead than alive to certain people”.

Hendrix's demise was closely followed by the death of female rocker Janis Joplin (born in Port Arthur , Texas on 19 January 1943). Joplin had injected a large dose of potent Chinese heroin when she died in the Landmark Hotel, Hollywood , California on 4 October 1970. She was found by her manager with her left arm still tied off and six dollars in one dead hand, presumably the change the dealer gave her for the dope. Janis fronted the band ‘Big Brother and the Holding Company'.

Eight months later Jim Morrison of ‘The Doors' (born in Melbourne, Florida on 8 December 1943) was discovered dead in the bathtub in his rented Paris apartment on 3 July 1971. He had drunk a bottle of whiskey and inhaled a large dose of heroin (possibly in the mistaken belief that it was cocaine), and his heart gave out around 6 am that day. (See ‘True Crimes – Death of a Rock Star', October 2004' for more on Jim Morrison)

HEAVENS ABOVE!

a) Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, asking St Peter to let them in. He tells them that he can only allow twelve inside, because that's his quota for the month. “Sort out among yourselves who the lucky twelve are going to be.” He advises them, and departs to the inner sanctum for a round of Holy Golf.

Five minutes later, St Peter reports to God, “They have gone, your holiness.”

“What?” says God, “All forty of ‘em?”

“No”, answers St Peter, “The Pearly Gates!”

b) Three women die together and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter tells them, “We have only one rule in Heaven: don't step on the ducks! Now go inside and enjoy yourselves.”

When they enter Heaven, sure enough there are ducks waddling all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on a duck and crushes it into a bloody mess. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man ever seen. St Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on that poor duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly old fart!”

The next day, the second woman also accidentally steps on a duck, and sure enough along comes St Peter again: this guy doesn't miss a thing. With him is another ugly man with horrific body odour. He chains her to the man with the same admonishment.

The third woman carefully observes all this, and not wanting to be chained for eternity to an ugly man, she is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go for months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with Christopher Reeve (before the wheelchair). Yes, he's Superman again; handsome and rippling with muscles in all the right places. St Peter chains her to him without a word.

The woman says, “Wow, you handsome hulk! What did I do to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”

Mr Reeve replies, “I don't know about you ma'am, but I trod on a duck!”

DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS

A man walked into a public toilet where he found two cubicles. One was already occupied so he entered the other one; closed the door, dropped his trousers and underwear and sat down.

Suddenly a voice came from the adjoining cubicle: “Hello, mate, how are you doing?” The man thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude he replied, “Yeah, not too bad thanks.”

After a short pause, he heard the voice from next door again. “So, what are you up to mate?”

Again he answered, although reluctantly and unsure of what to say. “Umm, just having a quick poo. How about yourself?”

He heard the voice next door for the third time. “Sorry mate. I'll have to call you back. There's a dickhead here in the loo next to me answering everything I say!”

CHENEY OPENS UP!

US Vice President Dick Cheney gunned down his 78-year-old pal Harry Whittington when they were out quail hunting on the Armstrong Ranch in Texas on 11 February 2006. Like Ted Kennedy (over Mary Jo Kopechne's death at Chappaquiddick) in 1969 he kept quiet about it for many hours before making an official statement. Finally he confessed: apparently he thought they were hunting DAN Quayle! Cheney, a prominent member of the NRA, is a strong advocate of America 's gun culture but perhaps a pertinent question may be: what are old duffers in their seventies doing pottering about the countryside toting loaded shotguns, anyway? (Note: Dan Quayle was VP under George Herbert Walker Bush senior, US President from 1989-1993).

A GEORGIAN GENDER BENDER

A remarkable English woman known as Mary Hamilton was tried at Taunton , Somerset on 7 October 1746 for wrongfully marrying no fewer than 14 times – in each case getting betrothed to other women. The 14th wife gave evidence against her, describing how they had undergone a lawful marriage and bedded and lived together for three months before she suspected that her partner was not a man. The “vilest and most deceitful practices had been employed to mislead her,” stated prosecuting counsel. The judges at Taunton appear to have been uncertain about the legal gender of Mary Hamilton (alias Charles Hamilton, alias George Hamilton, alias William Hamilton) but they ruled that “he, she, the prisoner at the bar” was an uncommon cheat and was to be gaoled for six months during which time she was to be whipped through the towns of Taunton, Glastonbury, Wells and Shepton Mallet. The sentence was duly carried out ‘in the severity of winter' in January 1747.

GERMAN ZOO ATTEMPTS TO CONVERT GAY PENGUINS

In yet another blow to gay rights a German zoo announced that it had taken the desperate measure of importing four female penguins from Sweden in an attempt to try and "straighten out" it flock of gay penguins.

The four Swedish females were dispatched to the Bremerhaven Zoo after it was discovered that two thirds of the zoo's penguin couples were actually homosexual.

Unless you happen to be another penguin, it is actually very difficult to determine the bird's sex due to the fact that the males aren't exactly hung like stallions!

Keepers at the zoo began to suspect 'foul' play after the penguins had spent the entire spring 'going at it like rabbits' but had still failed to produce any chicks.

Keepers finally ordered DNA tests to be carried out on the penguins after they caught several of the birds discussing floral drape designs and listening to Liza Minnelli one evening. It was only then they realized that six of the birds were living in homosexual partnerships.

Zoo Director Heike Kueck said that the project has the full support of the European Endangered Species Program because the South American penguins are an endangered species.

The attempt to get the penguins has unfortunately met with failure, amid protests from gay rights activists.

"We don't know whether the three male pairs are really homosexual or whether they have just bonded because of a shortage of females," said Mrs. Kueck, quoted by Germany 's Der Spiegel news magazine.

Gay groups insisted that penguins had a right to form couples without human interference, she said.

"Nobody here wants to forcibly separate homosexual couples," she said.

Only one baby Humboldt penguin has been born at the zoo, which has six males and four females, Der Spiegel reports. But the six homosexual penguins showed no interest in their new female companions and remained faithful to each other.

Zoo Director Heike Kueck said: "The relationships were apparently too strong."

A keeper confirmed that the male couples had adopted rocks, which they were guarding like eggs in their caves.

The zoo has said that it will try again in Spring 2006, because the penguins are an endangered species and need to be encouraged to breed.

FANCY THAT!

(a) A woman in Alabama decided to visit her sister. Her sister decided to do the same. They crashed into each other on a rural highway, both driving jeeps at high speed. Both women died in the accident.

(b) Mrs Willard Lowell of Berkeley , California , discovered that she had locked herself out of her house one morning. When the postman arrived, he carried a letter from her brother, enclosing her spare key. He had taken it home with him by mistake after a recent visit.

(c) A Canadian farmer named O McDonald has the postal code EIEI0.

(d) A bank robber in California , hitting the same bank and the same teller he had robbed a week before, escaped because the bank guard and the managers were in a back office reviewing security videotape of the first robbery.

(e) The poet Simon Armitage chanced upon a used copy of his collected poems in a trash bin outside a thrift store. On the inside page was the following inscription in his own handwriting: ‘To mum and dad, with much love, Simon.'

(From ‘Beyond Coincidence' by Martin Plimmer and Brian King)

THE CREATIVELY BANKRUPT MOVIE INDUSTRY

Isn't it strange? Movie-goers rightly complain that the Hollywood movie industry seems so bereft of imagination these days that virtually all it churns out now are remakes of old classics: ‘King Kong', ‘War of the Worlds, ‘Ned Kelly', ‘Casablanca', ‘Torn Curtain', ‘Oceans 11', ‘The Italian Job', ‘The Alamo', ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre', ‘Dawn of the Dead', ‘The Fog', Assault on Precinct 13', ‘Lion in Winter', ‘Alfie' etc. But when a fresh and original screenplay named ‘ Brokeback Mountain ' comes along, many hearing about it protest, “What? A gay western? Queens in Stetson hats? I'm not going to watch something like that!”

SPORTING QUOTES

“I've just turned thirty-six. The likelihood is that in four years' time I'll be forty.” (Shane Warne, Radio Five Live)

“All of this left the referee costing us more than we should have got.” (Sam Allardyce, Radio Five Live)

“It was like they had lost a limb because he (Wayne Rooney) was the backbone of the side out there.” (Edith Bowman, BBC 2)

“Caravalho is leaning over himself!” (Phil Parry, Radio London )

“Some people say that I have become too westernised, but that's not true. If I am in some hotel where I can order room service in Russian, I think that's really cool.” (Maria Sharapova, BBC World Service)

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

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