Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

KISSING LADYBOYS CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

“For years we've been warning tourists not to accept food or drink from strangers,” Police Lt. Col. Akachai Chiacharoen told a press conference in Bangkok . “From time to time, tourists have been drugged and robbed by friendly strangers. But now we must add one more warning: don't rush to kiss a stranger on the mouth, especially a ladyboy (katoey) prostitute. Otherwise you may end up losing not only your pride, but your wallet too.”

The police chief was speaking after the arrest of three transvestite hookers, who confessed to stealing 7,300 US dollars from a Bangladeshi businessman they had drugged. “The leader of the katoey gang had concealed a strong sedative pill under his tongue, and spat it down the victim's throat as they kissed in his hotel room. The traveller soon felt dizzy and passed out, then woke up naked on the bed ten hours later to find that his cash, watch, cellphone, laptop computer and all his clothes stolen.

“In the past we have heard of katoey gangs smearing their nipples with tranquillizers in order to drug their victims, but this is the first time anyone has admitted to administering a knock-out drug whilst kissing another man. So tourists should beware of the charms of Thailand 's ladyboys, if they do not wish to end up in a deep sleep.” (Daily Times, Pakistan )

BE HAPPY – OR LOSE YOUR JOB

“We banned grumpiness a year ago, to promote a more congenial atmosphere in the workplace,” Thomas Kuwatsch of the IT Company Nuzwerk told reporters in Leipzig . “A first, we simply had an informal company philosophy of compulsory smiling, but one female employee refused to subscribe to it, and moaned so much that other staff complained about her complaining. So we made the ban on grumpiness official by introducing a clause into contracts, stipulating that all employees arrive at work in a very good mood, and stay that way all day, with grumpiness being a sackable (firing) offence. One it became part of the contract, staff understood that they had no option but to be happy, and really started to think positively. Mood is an important factor in productivity, and everyone here now smiles and works hard. We ordered them to be happy, and now they are.” (‘The Australian')

NUMBER CRUNCHING

Here are some interesting figures for you: Ms Sylvia Hardy in England underpaid her council tax the sum of 53.71 pounds sterling in protest at above inflation increases in 2004/2005 and was subsequently jailed for this offence. Now Britain 's deputy Prime Minister John Prescott underpaid his council the sum of 870 pounds sterling annually for EIGHT years. When confronted with this fact, he apologised. This is not easy for the burly blunt-speaking Prescott, who is just not very good at being apologetic and contrite. But he did not go to prison. (‘Private Eye)

SUPPLIES FOR THE JOURNEY

Back in 1577 a typical list of ship supplies for a journey across the Atlantic Ocean to and from ‘the New World' would include these items: hardtack, flour, pickled beef and pork, dried peas and codfish, butter, cheese, oatmeal, honey, rice and vinegar. The biggest item would be eight tons of beer in barrels. Got to keep the crew happy during the voyage don't you know!

THE WIT AND WISEDOM OF GEORGE WALKER BUSH

“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”

“If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that word is ‘to be prepared.'”

“They miss-underestimated us.”

“The future will be better tomorrow.”

“We are going to have the best educated American people in the world.”

“I stand by all the miss-statements that I have made.”

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are part of Europe .”

“Public speaking is very easy.”

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”

“It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

“It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.”

FREE TRANSPORT FOR THE PM'S WIFE

Cherie Blair has become the first prime minister's spouse to be given an official government car and driver for her personal use, including shopping and visits to the gymnasium. The annual cost to British taxpayers for this bullet-proof perk is estimated to be around 50,000 pounds sterling. The information had to be dragged from Tony Blair's Labour government under the Freedom of Information Act.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT!

(a) A builder in Britain who tried to advertise for a carpenter who could ‘understand English, written and verbal, as he will be dealing with clients', was told by his local Job Centre that it would not take the advertisement because it was racist. The builder, who regularly employs non-English staff, received a letter from the wonderfully titled Job Centre plus Diversity and Race Equality Team warning him that he may even have broken the law.

(b) A butcher's shop in Oldham , England has been ordered to remove posters advertising its award-winning ‘black pudding' from windows in case the term offends members of the Asian community who might pass by. Officials from the council's highly alert Community Cohesion Unit have also asked staff to refer to the delicacy as ‘Blood Pudding' in future.

(c) The black police bodyguard who protected the Duchess of Cornwall (Camilla Parker-Bowles) has won 30,000 pounds sterling in compensation after complaining that he was ‘over promoted' due to political correctness. Sergeant Lesley Turner argued that he was only given the prestigious role because he is black. He said that he was not ready for the job, was not trained properly, and subsequently made mistakes which led to him being re-assigned. London 's Metropolitan Police settled out of court. With taxpayers' money, of course.

(d) A head teacher at a school in Ipswich has banned hot cross buns from the premises in case they offend pupils who are Jehovah's Witnesses. Ms Tina Jackson is worried in case the “religious imagery of the cross” might upset non-believers.

(e) As operations are cancelled and wards closed due to funding cuts, Britain 's National Health Service admits to spending some nine million pounds sterling on ‘art' in the past two years. The items bought included a giant pebble that cost 70,000 pounds at the University College Hospital in London and a cartoon mural that fetched 35,000 pounds at Hillingdon Hospital in Uxbridge.

(f) A policeman who took to his beat in Mansfield , Nottingham on a mountain bike made 309 arrests in a year, because he was much faster on wheels than the running villains he was chasing. He has now been prevented from going near a day centre for problem teenagers because of local authority complaints that he was arresting too many “vulnerable young people.” The ban was agreed to by his area commander, Inspector Samantha Wilson.

IRISH JOKES

(a) “So, have you figured what to buy the missus for Christmas this year?” asked Brady. “Begorrah, I surely have,” replied Seamus. “She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've brought her a pack of cards!”

(b) Sean and Seamus landed themselves jobs at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea on the first day, Sean yelled out, “Seamus! I've just lost me bleedin' finger!”

“Have you now?” says Seamus, “and how did you do that?”

“Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like this…darn it! There goes another one!”

(c) Two old drunks on their way home from the pub are stumbling up a country lane in almost total darkness. One says, “Seamus, I think we must have walked into the graveyard – look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to the age of 105!”

“Glory be, Malarki,” says Seamus. “Was it anybody that we knew?”

“No, it was somebody called ‘Miles from Dublin .'”

ANAGRAMS OF FAMOUS LEADERS

Churlish Tin Clown: Winston Churchill

Adrenal Groan: Ronald Reagan

Dollar Thief: Adolf Hitler

Tar Match Gatherer: Margaret Thatcher

Notates Mug: Mao Tse Tung

Invader in Mill: Vladimir Lenin

Lob a Maverick High: Mikhail Gorbachev

I'm Tory Plan B: Tony Blair PM

Lands Men Alone: Nelson Mandela

Knit Rum Earthling: Martin Luther King

THE PROFILE THAT NAILED BIG BEN

In Seoul , South Korea , on 26 September 1988 Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson was stripped of his Olympic 100 metres gold medal and world record after testing positive for stanozolol, a powerful anabolic steroid. The behind-the-scenes story is equally dramatic: Johnson's case had been taken up by IOC Vice President and Montreal attorney Dick Pound, who mounted a brilliant defence. Pound correctly alleged that there were serious breeches of security in the doping control room where Johnson had sat for over 90 minutes drinking beers and juices. The Medical Commission's panel of jurors was swayed by this argument – any one of Johnson's drinks could have been ‘spiked' or tampered with by several unauthorised people milling about near Johnson as he drank enough liquid to be able to provide a urine sample.

Then German Manfred Donike (of the IAAF Doping Commission) dropped a bombshell: Johnson's ‘endocrine profile' indicated long-term steroid use. According to the lab theory, natural hormone production would be depressed if Johnson had used steroids over a long period; and the profile showed that Ben's level of natural hormone was way down. Whether or not Johnson's drinks had been sabotaged was therefore irrelevant, said Donike.

Pound's legal defence was punctured. Johnson's coach, Charlie Francis later wrote: ‘Only an endocrinologist could have countered the medical commission's eleventh-hour tactic. But Pound had no way of knowing he would need such an expert, since the commission failed to disclose its purported evidence in advance. The endocrine profile was a card that Donike had kept in his pocket until he was about to lose the hand.' (‘Speed Trap', Grafton Books, 1990)

On this untested theory, Johnson was officially disqualified, suspended for two years and then demonised by the media. Overnight, he became the most famous cheat in sporting history. To my knowledge, no other athlete anywhere before or since has ever been disqualified on the evidence of an endocrine profile. In 1989, Johnson admitted to the Dubin Inquiry in Canada that he had been using steroids for seven years. By finally being honest and confessing, Johnson did not do himself any favours. He was rewarded by being retrospectively stripped of his remaining records and titles thanks to a creative new rule instigated by IAAF President Primo Nebiolo.

At Lausanne on 10 November 1999 , the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) was founded, with substantial funding and a remit to eradicate drug abuse in every Olympic sport. WADA has its headquarters in Montreal . And just who is the Chairman of WADA? In a strange quirk of irony, it is IOC Vice President Dick Pound of Canada , the man who stoutly defended Ben Johnson in Seoul .

ELEPHANTS AND MICE

Just why are elephants afraid of mice? I expect that both Alexander the Great and Hannibal were also curious about that. Pachyderm experts contend that the giant creatures are always afraid of the little beats running up the inside of their trunks. It makes sense: would YOU like to feel a bug crawling up one of your nostrils?

WARM BEER FOR BRITS?

Australians say that you can always spot an English bar in Thailand – by the microwave oven used to warm the beer.

SEX TALK

“Women are very good at faking orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.” (Sharon Stone)

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” (George Burns)

“Bill Clinton lied. A man may forget where he parked his car or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it was.” (Barbara Bush)

“Ah yes, divorce: from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.” (Robin Williams)

AND FINALLY……GOLF!

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” (Tiger Woods)

(davidcox@loxinfo.co.th)

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