Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?

Working people frequently ask retired persons what they do to make their days interesting. This was the response we had from one old boy:

“Well, for example, the other day I went into town and walked into a shop. I was only there for around five minutes, but when I came out there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

“I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres. So I insulted him some more. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing out a third ticket. This went on for about twenty minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Finally, I walked away. Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day that I'm retired. I think that it's important at my age.” (We suspect that this old guy may be Victor Meldrew).

BRIGHTEN UP THE OLD

The elderly in the island state of Singapore have been urged to wear brighter colours to avoid being killed in road traffic accidents. Bright clothing may make them more conspicuous to drivers, said state authorities. Nearly 700 pedestrians were injured or killed on Singapore's road in 2005. Of those that died, more than half were over 60 years of age. Bright orange bags for the elderly are now being distributed at public education talks for senior citizens. Singapore had been described as ‘the ultimate nanny state' and to me, this decision reinforces that description.

DID YOU KNOW?

The first couple on television to be shown in bed together was Fred and Wilma Flinstone. ‘Meet the Flinstones' is a TV cartoon series.

More money is printed for the game of Monopoly in the USA than genuine notes from the US Treasury.

At any given hour in every 24 hours, around 61,000 people are airborne over the USA.

Each King in a pack of cards portrays a famous king in history. Spades is King David, Hearts is Charlemagne, Diamonds is Julius Caesar and Clubs is Alexander the Great.

Coca Cola was originally green in colour.

The first novel to be written on a typewriter was ‘Tom Sawyer' by Mark Twain, whose real name was Samuel Longhorn Clemens. ‘Mark Twain' is an old river boatmen's phrase meaning ‘two feet of depth.'

OFF WITH HER HEAD!

Because his daughter did not show him enough respect, a father in Hong Kong chopped off his 16-year-old daughter's head and threw it into a rubbish bin. Li Chi-tang (67) admitted to hacking Li Yuk-ping to death in the living room of their Hong Kong apartment in February 2005. He then cut off her head in the bath and dumped it in a trash bin downstairs. Li pleaded guilty to manslaughter and wounding in Hong Kong's High Court in March and was ordered to be detained indefinitely in a psychiatric hospital. (AP)

OVERKILL REVENGE

A blast in a building in China that killed nine people was set off by a jealous wife. She bought the explosives she needed for just 23 US dollars, it was alleged. The 37-year-old woman named Tong Li, decided to kill her husband after he had demanded a divorce. So she blew up the building where he lived, reported the ‘Nanguo Zaobao' newspaper. Her husband was killed along with eight others, and four others were badly injured. (AFP)

MOVIE QUOTES

“Southend at night is like Las Vegas with wind chill.”

(Sean Bean who played ‘Jason Locke' in ‘Essex Boys')

“There are more than 550 million firearms in worldwide circulation. That's one weapon for every twelve people on the planet. Now the big question is: how do we arm the other eleven?” (Nicolas Cage as the cynical arms dealer Yuriy Orlov in ‘Lord of War')

FROM THE NEWS DESK

“Stay tuned, because after the break we have the death of Slobodan Milosevic – live here on CNN.”

(CNN newscaster)

SPORTS QUOTES

“I reckon that the Winter Olympic Games were invented so that Austria could win some gold medals. Personally, I find these alpine events contrived and boring.” (1980 Olympic 800 metres champion Steve Ovett. Oddly enough his younger brother, Nicholas Ovett, competed for GBR in the Luge event at the 1994 Winter Olympics in Lillehammer)

“And Tom Boonen really has the bit between his knees now!”

(Sean Kelly commentating for Eurosport on the Milan to San Remo Cycle race)

“Now Didier Drogba has been instated into the Chelsea Team.”

(Alan Parry on Skysport)

FIT TO CLAIM BENEFIT

Mr Stephen Sinnott from Merseyside has had some unwanted publicity recently thanks to his benefits scam. He annually claimed 23,000 pounds sterling in disability benefits by convincing gullible staff at his local DHSS (Department of Health and Social Services) office that he was unable to walk more than 45 yards in one hike and that he needed help to get dressed and prepare meals.

It was therefore unfortunate that after being shopped by an outraged neighbour, he was caught on videotape running the Chester Half-Marathon road race and finishing in the highly respectable time of one hour and nine minutes (69 minutes). He is now looking at a maximum of seven years in prison, unless he can get the authorities to let him off with community service.

DYSFUNCTIONAL ORGANISATION

Can you imagine dealing with a company which has just over 600 employees with the following record:

One was accused of conspiracy to murder;

29 have been accused of spouse abuse;

7 have been arrested for fraud;

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques;

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses each;

3 have served prison terms for assault;

71 cannot get a credit card due to their bad credit records;

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges;

8 have been arrested for shoplifting;

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits; and

84 have been arrested for drink-driving in the last year.

Can you guess which organisation I am referring to? It is Britain's House of Commons, and the statistics mentioned above refer to elected Members of Parliament.

ORIGINS OF WORDS

(a) Around 1440 AD, a law was passed in England that a husband could only beat his wife with a cane no bigger than the diameter of his thumb. Hence the expression, ‘rule of thumb'.

(b) Back in the mists of time, the Scots invented a strange sport that involved hitting a ball with a stick, trying to get it into small holes in the ground many yards away. Only men were allowed to compete. It was originally known as ‘Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden', which of course is GOLF.

PROUD TO BE BRITISH

A newspaper in Britain has been asking readers; ‘Just what does it mean to be British?' One man e-mailed this interesting observation from Switzerland: ‘Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub to drink Belgian beer; then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way; sitting at home on Swedish made furniture watching American shows on a Japanese made TV set.

And what is the most British trait of all? Of course, it is deep suspicion of anything ‘foreign'!!

WORLD CLASS THAI BALLS

A Thai factory has assembled the special stitchless football for the World Cup. Japanese ball maker Molten was working at full capacity to produce the “Teamgeist” (Team Spirit) official ball for the 64-match tournament, factory director Masami Sakamoto said on Friday.

The company's biggest factory with annual output of 5 million footballs, basketballs and volleyballs -- employed 1,000 workers in Thailand, he said. “Our workers are very excited because our balls will be used for the World Cup,” he said.

The ball for the final is called Teamgeist Berlin and is a specially produced “golden ball” made in Germany. “Teamgeist” was conceived in Germany, its valve and rubber pump come from India, the inner cotton sheath from Vietnam, the artificial leather is made in South Korea, and the rubber sticker is produced in Thailand. Adidas unveiled the ball in December saying it was the most technologically advanced football ever produced, allowing players greater accuracy and control. Produced with “thermal bonding” technology, the ball was extensively tested at Adidas laboratories and at Loughborough University in Britain.

“With the new technology, the balls last longer and remain round-shaped longer,” said Rojanasit Meenijacin, communication manager at Adidas (Thailand). “When we kick the balls, they give more power,” he said, adding the ball used 14 cover panels compared with 32 in normal footballs.

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