Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

POLITICAL QUOTES

“President Hugo Chavez (of Venezuela) does not have secret illegal prisons scattered around the world, and he has never invaded any other country, yet Vice President Dick Cheney has called him a brutal dictator.” (John Simpson, BBC)

“When I am gone, the capitalists will eventually drown all of you – like helpless blind kittens.” (Josef Stalin to the Soviet Politburo in 1950)

TWO BRITISH WELFARE SCROUNGERS

Claiming benefit is an art form in many metropolitan areas of Britain. Here are two cases on file:

(1) Unemployed Michael Philpott (49) from Derby is a father of 14 children. He is demanding a new house from Derby council to share with his wife, girlfriend and eight of their children. His girlfriend is currently pregnant. The fact that Mr Philpott has only been on the waiting list for a month and already occupies the biggest available council property in Derby does not impress him. “They always come up with the same excuses”, he says of Derby City Council. “I love my country, but at the moment I feel ashamed of it.  I think the country is going down the pan.” When reminded that his country allows him 508 pounds sterling per week in welfare benefits, Mr Philpott made no further comment.

(2) Unemployed Ms Ellen Morris (40) has 13 children and claims 27,000 pounds sterling in welfare benefits annually. She also smokes 40 cigarettes a day and drives a Land Rover Discovery. Ms Morris recently appeared in a court in Manchester charged with driving whilst disqualified. Pleading poverty to avoid a fine, she also managed to get 1,800 pounds of existing fines written off by agreeing to sit inside the court building for two hours in a token punishment.

“I’d like another two children,” she told reporters later. It’s not easy making the money stretch. They all want the latest gear and Nike trainers.  Got a light, mister?”

BIBLE CLASS GAFFES

These are answers to an examination set by Catholic Elementary schoolteachers based on the New and Old Testaments. The children were between 6 and 9 years of age. Misspellings have been included.

1) In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2) Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

3) Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4) The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5) Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6) Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7) Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8) The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9) The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10) The seventh Commandment is ‘Thou shalt not admit to adultery’.

11) Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

12) The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13) David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14) Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15) When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16) When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17) Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18) St John the Baptist dumped water on his head.

19) Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained that a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20) It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21) The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.

22) The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23) One of the Oppossums was Saint Matthew who was also a taximan.

24) St Paul cavorted to Christianity; he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

25) Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

(My thanks to Alf Wilkins for these)

STRONG MAN

Canada’s Dariusz Slowik collected the bronze medal in the Discus event at the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne, Australia last March. Before that the former Pole had achieved fame (and a large cash prize) in his adopted country by pulling a car weighing 2,900 lbs no less than 56 kilometres in ten hours. No gasoline required for this muscle engine.

STEVIE WONDER IN KENYA

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig at the Carnivore Restaurant in Mombassa, Kenya, and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Kikuyu man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a jazz cord!  Play a jazz cord!”

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in his varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The old man jumps up again and shouts, “No, no! Play a jazz cord! Play a jazz cord, man!” A bit irritated by this, Stevie Wonder, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor cord and really tears the place apart.

The audience goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the old man is still not satisfied. He jumps up and yells out again, “No, No! Play a jazz cord! Play a jazz cord!”

Now truly irritated, Stevie Wonder addresses him from the stage mike. “Okay mister! You get over here and do it!”

The old boy climbs onto the stage, grabs the microphone, and starts to sing, “I jazz cord to say I lubb you.........”

EMBARRASSING CHAIR

Deputy Head teacher Ms Susan Storer (48) told an employment tribunal in Bristol that it was a “regular joke” that when she sat on it her chair made embarrassing sounds, and that she frequently had to apologise to parents, colleagues and pupils. She claimed that two other deputy head teachers, both male, were given new ‘executive style’ chairs for their offices whilst she was overlooked. The chair, she said was part of “a catalogue of sexist behaviour that undermined my position.” 

Last September she resigned from her post, which gave her an annual salary of 48,000 pounds sterling and is now claiming constructive dismissal and sex discrimination. Ms Storer is seeking damages of a million pounds sterling for the loss of 17 years of earnings and pension.

SPORTS QUOTES

“At Chelsea, Jose Mourhino likes to make changes. And that is changes in the plural sense of the word.”

(Martin Tyler, Skysport)

“These Kenyan runners spend most of their lives training at altitude, and they learn their trade whilst on the job.”

(Tim Hutchings, Eurosport)

“Roger Federer’s forehand is The Punisher. When he needs it, he whips it out and swots down his opponent.”

(VJ Armitraj, BBC)

“You don’t win silver medals at the Commonwealth Games unless you are the very, very best.”

(Brendan Foster, BBC TV)

“To win races like this (Dubai Classic), you have to enter them.” (Jockey Frankie Dettori)

“And Francesca Porcellato of Italy is going to follow in the footsteps of David Weir and win this women’s wheelchair race.” (Paul Dickenson, BBC TV)

 “Simeoni has maintained his position and moved up into fourth place on this stage into Trento.”

(David Duffield, Eurosport)

ROBIN THE

ENVIRONMENTALIST?

“Yeah, I’m a tree hugger. I admit it. I got into some real heavy sap the other day.” (Comedian and movie star Robin Williams)

HOW’S ZATT!

The only time the very English sport of Cricket was played at the Olympic Games was at Paris in 1900. The Great Britain team won the gold medal by six wickets from France. Since the vast majority of French citizens would not know a silly-mid-off from a stump, the ‘French’ team was made up entirely of members of the British Embassy staff in Paris – almost all of them English!  (Note: there is no ‘England’ team at any sport in the Olympic Games).

BATTLE DRUG

Young boy soldiers in war zones in Africa (Sierra Leone, Liberia, Somalia, Chad etc) are often given ‘brown brown’ before going into battle. This mixture of cocaine with a sprinkling of gunpowder makes them especially reckless, and gives them extra energy. The painkilling concoction enables them to go on fighting, still pumping out rounds, even when badly wounded. We can be assured that ‘brown brown’ is not for the fainthearted, or for those who want to live very long.

THOSE WAR YEARS

During World War 11 in Europe, British men generally resented American troops being stationed in the UK after the US entry into the war in December 1941.  Many British women liked the Americans, and that led to jealousy. The loud yanks were said to be “Over sexed, over paid and over here.”  The Americans countered this criticism with the fact that the Brits were “Under sexed, under paid and under Eisenhower.”  Touché. (Future US President Dwight Eisenhower was supreme commander of all Allied Forces from 1942 to 1945).

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