Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

A SHORT HISTORY OF PATPONG

The two sois known as Patpong 1 and 2 between Silom and Suriwong Roads are Bangkok's traditional ‘red light' district and frankly something of a tourist trap. The area grew to fame during the Vietnam conflict, when American and Australian troops flew in from Saigon on leave in Thailand with money to burn. Patpong's neon-lit buildings cover 1.6 hectares of land that was once a banana plantation owned by the bank of Indochina.

The bank sold the land to the Hainanese-Thai Patpongphanit family in 1940 for 60,000 baht (about 2,400 US dollars at old exchange rates). Over time, what was two sois of office buildings became an area of flourishing beer and go-go bars and a large night market. Nowadays, the Patpongphanit family collects around 10 million baht per month from its' bar-renting tenants, and that 1.6 hectares of land in Bangkok is now worth billions. You can rely on Chinese Thais to turn a profit.

A chilling reminder of just how dangerous Patpong used to be can be found in ‘But, I don't give a hoot!' by Jennifer Bliss, a biography of the legendary journalist Bernard Trink, Bangkok's ‘Nite Owl'. Here is a quote from Bob Halliday, an old Bangkok hand: “Patpong is so tame now compared to what it was those days (1960's). You look around now and see middle-aged tourists from Europe and the US thinking they're being naughty by going into girlie bars.

“I remember one incident on Patpong of a bargirl approaching a GI and talking to him. Another girl came along and pulled off the first girl's wig to reveal a bald head: she had some sort of scalp disease and lost all her hair. She ran away and the other girl moved in on the American soldier. A little while later, the girl with the wig came back with a plastic bag full of gasoline. She threw it over her rival, and then set her alight. Just because she had lost face by having her wig pulled off, she burned the other girl to death in front of everybody right in the middle of Patpong.

“Things like that happened quite regularly, things you would never forget if you saw them. It was a harsh, village and slum style mentality. There was money to be made from the farang visitors and soldiers, and that behaviour came out in public places. The old vicious, score-settling techniques survived.”

America's controversial involvement in Vietnam brought prosperity to Thailand. From 1965 to 1975, the USA had seven air bases and around 50,000 Air-force personnel stationed in the kingdom. The military bases required ancillary services and Thais were happy to provide them. Everyone from hoteliers to laundry maids cashed in, and Bangkok's legendary nightlife took off, thanks to rich oil workers and US troops on ‘R&R' leave from Vietnam.

Patpong has calmed down since those war years, and now millions of tourists visit the area annually to enjoy the nightlife scene. Personally, I prefer the Soi Cowboy area off Sukhumvit 21 (between soi Asoke and soi 23) as a drinking venue. Down the road on soi 4 is the Nana Entertainment Plaza (NEP), but in recent years some have found that the crowded square has become too loud and confusing.

In Bangkok, expatriates drink in the relatively relaxed atmosphere of Soi Cowboy and Washington Square, and a good rule here is to go and party where the expats go. Nowadays, unwary tourists can be overcharged at some venues in Patpong. This is unlikely in the drinking dens of Soi Cowboy and the unrepentantly American scene to be found in Washington Square further south up Sukhumvit Road by soi 22. Cheers!

THE DUKE OF GAFFES

Britain's Princess Anne once said of her father that he suffers from ‘dentopedalogy', the unfortunate habit of opening his mouth and putting his foot in it. Over the past 50 years anyone worth insulting has been on the receiving end of tasteless remarks from the Duke of Edinburgh, husband of Britain's Queen Elizabeth II. His intemperate quoted views on a wide range of subjects have ensured a steady stream of critical newspaper headlines, swiftly followed by diplomatic gestures from officials at Buckingham Palace or Westminster to try and calm ruffled feathers.

Prince Philip is a contradictory character; the president of the World Wide Fund for Nature who shoots animals for fun and an ambassador for Britain who has managed to insult almost every nation that he visits. With typical bluntness, he once said of the horse-loving Princess Royal, “If it doesn't eat hay, then she is not interested.” She may have been amused at the remark but with Anne it is hard to tell.

Concerns have often been voiced of Philip's tendency to speak his mind though some of his verbal blunders are the result of his wicked, often misplaced sense of humour. In 1961 he told British industry to “get your finger out!” and soon afterwards the British Royal of Greek ancestry called Britain and the British “overcrowded, smelly and dishonest.” Then in 1966 he famously declared that “British women can't cook!”

Once when being shown around a knitting factory, he asked the female manager “So you're the head knit, are you?” and in 1968 he suggested that the UK government should pass a law to tax babies. Whilst on a state visit to Paraguay he told the country's then dictator, General Alfredo Stroessner, “By George, it's pleasant to be in a country that isn't ruled by its people.”

On a state visit to Canada he told an official, “We don't come here for our health, you know!” And on a trip to France he remarked, “Isn't it a pity that Louis XVI was sent to the guillotine?” He has also called the Dutch “Po-faced” and Hungarians “Pot-bellied.” Wait, it gets better!

Chatting with British students on a state visit to China in 1986, he described Beijing as “simply ghastly” and warned them, “If you stay here much longer you'll go back home with slitty eyes.” He compounded this by telling a joke at an official function in Shanghai: “If it's got four legs and is not a chair; if it's got two wings and is not an aeroplane; if it swims and is not a boat, what is it? Answer: a Cantonese dinner – those chappies will eat anything that moves!” For that diplomatic disaster one British tabloid labelled him THE GREAT WALLY OF CHINA.

Undeterred, the Duke proceeded to equate wives with prostitutes. “I don't think that doing it for money makes it any less moral. I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” In 1995 he asked a Scottish driving instructor, “How on earth do you keep the natives off the booze long enough for them to pass the test old boy?”

He once told Italian officials that the smallest book in the world was ‘The Record of Italian War Heroes' and stated that Italian tanks are the only ones built with one forward and four reverse gears. In 1998 he asked tribesmen in Papua New Guinea if they still practiced cannibalism and in 2002, whilst on a tour of Australia, he surprised the founder of an Aboriginal cultural park by asking, “I say, do you chaps still chuck spears at each other?”

Once when greeting the President of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional robes, the Duke of Gaffes quipped, “Good God! You look like you are ready for bed!” Whilst recently visiting a factory in Edinburgh he remarked that a fuse box “looked as though it has been put in by an Indian”, which did not go down well with Britain's large Asian community once that comment appeared in British tabloids.

Although now well into his eighties, Philip has not lost his touch, recently informing a hapless 13-year-old schoolboy that he was “too damned fat” to become an astronaut. He has always been quick to blame the press for his problems, claiming that they exaggerate or distort his words. On a Caribbean tour, when a patron of a hospital spoke of the trouble they had with mosquitoes, Philip sympathised, “Yes, I know that you mean. You have mosquitoes, I have the press.”

There is little doubt that as long as he is around, the Duke of Edinburgh will always be controversial. BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond once stated that he has perfected the art of saying hello and goodbye in the same handshake.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

The Frank Deford movie ‘Four Minutes' (2004) charts Roger Bannister's progress to the first sub four minute mile (at Iffley Road Track, Oxford on 6 May 1954), fifty years after the achievement. If you ever get to watch this on DVD, keep the English captions on, because they are hilarious, bearing no relation to the spoken English soundtrack. For example, when Christopher Plummer (as the fictional character ‘Archie Mason') says, “Knock the bastard off!” it translates as “Break the bad egg!”

In another scene, Bannister is racing with his Oxbridge teammates shouting, “Go on, Roger!” at trackside. The English language caption reads, “Encourage! Encourage, hero!”

MOVIE QUOTES

“I was an equal opportunities angel of death. I sold guns to every army except the Salvation Army.” (Nicolas Cage as Yuriy Orlov in ‘Lord of War')

SPORTS QUOTES

“Arsenal fans now await the talismanic arrival of their very own Thierry Henry.” (Rob Hawthorne, Skysport)

“To set the pace in these events, you have to get to the front.” (Sean Kelly, Eurosport)

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

this month

regulars

stories

free ads

sports

golf

funnies

info

back issues