Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

SPRING-HEELED JEALOUS HUSBAND

An irate husband literally flew into action on a homemade catapult when he saw his wife being cuddled by another man. He made a springboard out of a long plank and two car tyres then ran at it and launched himself into the air. He crashed headfirst through the kitchen window of the house where his wife was petting her lover.

Prosecuting counsel Mr Michael Garratt told the court in Dudley, Worcestershire that the husband landed in the sink and slid to the floor. Graham Street (21) of Rowley Regis, near Dudley, pleaded guilty to causing damage worth around 3.50 pounds sterling to the window at the house on Old Park Farm Estate in Dudley . He was put on probation for two years by Judge W R Davidson and told not to

indulge in such ‘amateur dramatics' again.

Mr John West, defending counsel, said that the only person to get hurt (both physically and emotionally) in the incident was Street himself. And he had no intention of interfering with his wife again. Case closed.

THE HORNY TURK

When he was rejected by the young girl that he lusted after, Mr Darsun Yilmaz, a Turk from Damai, resorted to abduction. One night in August 1972 he crept stealthily into her family's garden. He reached her bedroom using a ladder to the window, got inside and threw a blanket over her sleeping form. Then, with his moaning beloved cocooned over his shoulder, the horny Turk made his way back down the ladder, walked quietly back to his car and sped off into the night.

On arriving back at his home, he excitedly wrestled with the blanket, striving to release his lovely catch. It all turned to ashes for him however when the cloth slipped away to reveal........the young woman's 91-year-old grandmother.

SPORTS QUOTE

“We have had some very strange

wind readings here tonight at Crystal

Palace: both plus and minus in the

same direction.”

(Martin Gillingham, Eurosport)

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

GHOST STORIES

A 17th century tombstone at Chagford church in Devon , England commemorates

the violent death of Mary Whiddon. The poor girl was shot dead by a jealous lover at the altar on her wedding day. To this day, it is said, the ghost of the young bride haunts her home in Chagford. The building is now a guesthouse, and several guests have been startled to see the wraith of a young woman in black smiling sadly from the doorway of what used to be Mary's room. After the death of Mrs Rattenbury, who stabbed herself and drowned in the River Avon in June 1935, her shrouded spectre has been seen to haunt her lonely death scene. The apparition was so often witnessed that in October 1937, the famous ghost-hunter Elliott

O'Donnell spent a night's vigil in the misty water meadow. He had an eerie experience: though he did not see a phantom, he felt an almost overwhelming urge to drown himself in the river – an urge he only just managed to control.

England 's stately home at Longleat is reputedly haunted by a spectral Green

Lady who frequents a corridor there. She had been identified as Lady Louisa

Cartaret, 18th century wife of the second Viscount Weymouth. He killed her

young lover after a furious sword fight in the haunted corridor. Afterwards,

it is claimed, he buried the body in the cellar. Critics dismissed this as pure fairytale, yet when the cellar was excavated to lay pipes for central heating many years later, the skeleton of a man in 18th century riding boots was discovered under the flagstones. The most widely reported victim of a love tragedy in Britain however, is the ghost of Anne Boleyn, married to Henry VIII from 1533 to 1536. The ill-fated queen has been sighted at a number of old manors around the country, each claiming to be her birthplace. Nowhere, however, does the apparition make a more spectacular appearance than at Blickling Hall in Norfolk . Every year on the anniversary of the queen's execution (19 May 1536), a spectral coach is said to convey Anne's ghost up to the front door of the hall. The cortege arrives at midnight and here is the grisly part: the coachman is headless, the four horses pulling the carriage are headless and Anne too is headless, of course. She carries her severed head in her lap. Now THAT is spooky!

POLITICAL FREEBIES

One person who seems to enjoy jetting around the world is Britain 's former Environment Secretary, Margaret Beckett (now Foreign Secretary). But she chose to do it on the aircraft of the Queens 's Flight, rather than endure the ‘orange hell' that is Easyjet, the economy airline. In the past three years Mrs Beckett has made use of the Queen's Flight on no fewer than 110 occasions (as of March 2006). She is even in the habit of ordering a jet to fly up from its base at RAF Northolt to pick her up at East Midlands Airport , near her constituency, before clearing off to Brussels .

It would be hard to find a clearer example of how power can corrupt anyone. When Mrs Beckett first took her place in government she was an unpretentious caravan disciple whose only travel crime was to block the A38 motorway on a Bank Holiday Monday. Amazingly, she was also in charge of the department that regularly tells us on how the advent of cheap air travel is destroying the ozone layer. Now she's clocking up the air miles faster than Sir Richard Branson, and at public expense. In a cabinet reshuffle last spring, she landed the Foreign Secretary's job, which means that she can enjoy many more freebie flights to debate with political leaders in exotic foreign lands. Of course her boss (British Prime Minister Tony Blair) is not exactly shy either when it comes to choosing opulence over economy. His travel log to end of March 2006 is even more impressive with 670 Royal Flights since he first came to power in May 1997. Some of these journeys are to take himself, his wife Cherie and the children off on yet another freebie holiday.

When asked to justify this spendthrift behaviour, a Labour Party spokesperson said that it costs only 1,200 pounds sterling to use a Royal Jet to fly to Brussels against 1,300 pounds to send a party of five Euro MP's to Brussels by Eurostar, the rail network. A former commercial pilot has countered that the government statement is a tad shy of the true cost of such luxury travel. (I believe it's called ‘being economical with the truth'). The sum of 1,200 pounds would just about cover the cost of fuel involved. It takes no account of landing fees, staff costs, capital costs, tax and depreciation. A fair estimate would be four times that figure; say around 4,800 pounds.

GRASS EATERS

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his stretch limo when

he passed two men by the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver

to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one of the men, “Why are you eating

grass?”

The man replied, “Well sir, we don't have any money for food. So we HAVE to eat

grass. We really have no choice.”

The shocked lawyer said, “Well then, you can come to my house and I will be

happy to feed you.”

“Thank you very much, sir”, said the grass eater. “But I have a wife and two children

with me. They are just over there, under that tree.”

“Fine!” said the lawyer. “Bring them along too.” Then turning to the other grass

eater, he said, “You can come with us also.”

“Thanks sir”, said the man, “but I also have a wife and six

children with me.”

“No problem”, said the lawyer, “bring them all.”

The ten extra people all jammed into the huge limo and the

chauffer started the car and got underway.

The first grass eater then said to the lawyer, “Sir, you are too

kind. Thanks again for taking us with you to feed us. But are

you sure that bringing us along will not inconvenience your

wife?”

“Not at all”, said the lawyer. “She will be delighted. And you

chaps will really love my place – the grass is almost a foot

high!”

SENSIBLE EATING IN SCOTLAND

The Scottish Executive (a government quango funded with taxpayers' money) is now warning landlords in Scottish public houses that they must promote ‘sensible eating'. If they ignore this warning, they may find that their liquor licences are not renewed. Specifically, this means that pies, greasy chips and beans must be cut from the menu. Many Scots are not happy about this. From the land that invented Golf, the calorie-rich ‘deep fried Mars bar', and the fried pizza, it has become a

tradition to eat a hearty meal after quaffing several pints of ‘heavy'. Any Scot will tell you that nothing soaks up the beer better than wolfing down a large meat pie along with lashings of chips, beans and gravy.

Personally, I have nothing against people enjoying such fatty and unhealthy fare in their local pubs. What I DO object to is any management that allows smoking in enclosed areas where food is being served and consumed. Smoking in indoor restaurants is now specifically against the law in Thailand , but I fear it is a law that is largely (and sadly) ignored almost everywhere in the Kingdom.

GOTHIC HORROR

Lord Bernage of Sivray, chief groom to Charles VIII of France in the 15th century, once witnessed a macabre sight whilst serving as an ambassador in Germany . He saw a noble lady there drinking every evening from a human skull. Bernage learned that it was the skull of her former lover. The poor woman was forced to sip from it by her vengeful husband who had discovered them in bed together and promptly drew his sword and murdered the young man who was cuckolding him. Then he beheaded the body, had the brains scooped out and all the flesh boiled off the head.The skull was then presented to his wife as a drinking cup.

BUSH AND THE RIDDLE

On a trip to Britain , President George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth

11. He asked her, “How do you manage to run a country so smoothly?”

“That's easy”, she replied, “You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and

advisors.”

“But how can you tell whether they are intelligent or not?” asked Bush.

“You ask them a riddle”, she replied, and with that she pressed a button and spoke

into an intercom. “Would you please send in Tony Blair?”

When Blair arrived, the queen asked him. “I have a riddle for you to answer for

me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.

Who is this child?”

Blair replied without hesitation, “That's easy. The child is me.”

“Very good, Blairy”, said the queen, “you can go back to your duties now.”

Bush was impressed. When he returned to Washington he called in his chief of

staff, Karl Rove. He said, “I have a riddle for you, Rovy, and the answer is very

important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your

brother. Who is this child?”

Rove hesitated. Then he said, “Yes, Mr President, it is clearly very important to

determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this

for a while?”

“Okay” said Bush. “I'll give you four hours to come up with your answer.”

Rove went away and called a meeting of the entire White House staff, and put

the riddle to them. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them

had a satisfactory answer. He was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell

the president. As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he spotted former

Secretary of State Co-lin Powell approaching him. He said, “Mr Secretary, can

you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister

and it was not your brother. Who is this child?”

“That's easy”, said Powell. “The child is me.”

“Wow! Thanks, man,” said Rove. “You may just have saved me my job!”

Rove hurried to the president in the Oval Office, and said to Bush. “I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child is Co-lin Powell!”

Bush looked up horrified. “You idiot!” he shouted. “The child is Tony Blair!”

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