Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

SOME UNPUBLISHED LETTERS (FROM LONDON'S DAILY TELEGRAPH)

Sir: Congratulations to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew ‘Freddie' Flintoff the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, and then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British! K Ross

Sir: The government and ‘health experts' tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath the politicians are telling us that we are living too long and there will be no more pension money left for us when we get old. I wish they'd make their minds up. J Dereham

Sir: ‘Alton Towers – where the magic never ends', or so the commercial tells us. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30pm. P Hamilton

Sir: I am happily married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels every year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife by them is insulting in the extreme. (She was sent by DHL next-day delivery). S Towers

Sir: The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money that rock stars make from legal sales ends up in exactly the same place as they happily snort and shoot up. When these overpaid fops stop breaking the law, then so will I. J Leather

Sir: It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a much more dignified way, such as slashing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Don't these cowardly self-publicists have any respect? B Hathaway

Sir: I will never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds that he has inadvertently parked it on his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. A Emerson

Sir: Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's much-publicised (and over-rated) remake of the classic ‘Life of Brian' wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original? B Simon

Sir: On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They have obviously never been to the Britannia Chip shop on the Gloucester Road. I Barclay

Sir: I am frankly amazed at the Santa Barbara police in California. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. S Ledingham

Sir: Could the Home Secretary please explain to me just how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help him keep tabs on the Muslim cleric Abu Hamza? P Nolan

Sir: The government tells us that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government knows and hasn't bothered to tell them? J Campbell

Sir: With reference to the series ‘Manhunt' where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down the best selling author and ex-SAS man Andy McNabb. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found him quickly enough the last time he played hide-and-seek with them during the ‘Desert Storm' campaign in 1991. I am of course referring to his self-serving biography ‘Bravo Two Zero.' W Pepper

Sir: Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of ‘There is nothing left to lose' by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing them, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. C Scarfe

Sir: I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My father is Iranian and my mother is Irish, so I spend most of my time in Immigration Control or Customs. M Hammed (These are from ‘Viz' Magazine)

CLINT'S WORLD

A plaque in the home of actor Clint (‘Dirty Harry') Eastwood in Carmel, California reads, ‘Carrying a loaded Magnum forty-four-forty means you don't have to say you are sorry.' In the 1970's series of ‘Dirty Harry' movies, the plains clothes San Francisco cop solves every crime problem in the city by periodically pulling his massive handgun out of a shoulder holster and blowing the bad guys away. And he never has to bother about tiresome paperwork or clearing the dead bodies off the sidewalk. His favourite snarl was, “Do you feel lucky, punk?” Moviedom's Dirty Harry land was a wonderful fantasy location for law-and order gun nuts who love to shoot sinners.

BLAIR RULES

AT AN appearance before the Commons liaison committee, British Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted that he had never bothered to hold a vote in cabinet on any issue. It now seems that the lack of dissent among his senior ministers may be even worse than feared. It seems that Des Browne, currently Defence Secretary, was bold enough in his first cabinet meeting to voice disagreement with the presidential Mr Blair on some matter. His remarks were met with a stony silence.

Then, as the meeting proceeded, Browne found little messages being passed to him by discreet colleagues. They asked him what on earth he was playing at. Questioning Tony's judgement, apparently, simply was not acceptable behaviour for a Right Honourable Member of the British Cabinet. (‘Private Eye')

HANGMAN'S TALE

FOR HANGING Ruth Ellis (28) in London on 13 July 1955, Britain's official executioner Albert Pierrepoint collected a fee of 15 guineas plus travelling expenses. He left Holloway Prison besieged by an angry mob and required police protection to get through. Pierrepoint returned to his home at Hoole, near Preston in Lancashire in Northern England and there came to a decision: he would give up his macabre profession.

Pierrepoint's job had been an hereditary vocation; his father and uncle both having been listed as qualified executioners on the Home Office files in London . When the press learned of his resignation, it was rumoured that something exceptionally grim must have taken place in the death chamber where Ms Ellis met her end for murdering her former lover David Blakeley (25).

Not so, said Pierrepoint. “Ruth Ellis was the bravest women that I have ever hanged,” he said. “There was nothing untoward in her death.”

Pierrepoint resigned because the furore caused him to examine his own conscience, even more so than when he was required to execute a good friend from his local public house. Did execution really deter murder? He asked himself. He concluded that it did not. “Capital punishment, in my view, achieves nothing except state-sponsored revenge,” he said. (Note: look out for an upcoming movie about Pierrepoint starring Timothy Spall)

MOVIE QUOTES

Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley): “For a moment there, you could have redeemed yourself.”

Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp): “I love moments like those. I like to wave to them as they pass me by.” (From ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest', 2006)

“I kill a communist for fun. But for a Green Card, I'll carve him up real nice.” (Al Pacino as Tony Montana in ‘Scarface', 1985)

SPORTS AND OTHER QUOTES

“They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we are not using it anymore.” (George Carlin)

“He's just like a condom filled with walnuts.” (Clive James talking about ‘The Austrian Oak' Arnie Schwarzenegger, now Governor of California)

“There he is tearing up the back straight – Kenenisa Bekele of Kenya, the man with asbestos lungs.” (Steve Cram, BBC)

“And Vladimir Karpets has cracked on this mountain stage! He's blown up big time. He's out the back door as the peloton now rides away from him. It's curtains for Karpets!” (Sean Kelly, Eurosport)

“I love England, especially the food. There's nothing I enjoy more than a lovely bowl of pasta.” (Naomi Campbell)

“They are like a fish out of water that has been thrown into the deep end.” (Steve Davis, BBC)

“Wakefield will now have to go back to the drawing room.” (Phil Clarke, Sky Sports)

“You will need a winning car to win in Formula One.” (James Allen, ITV)

“Lornah Kiplagat, the former Kenyan woman now racing in the colours of The Netherlands, has sponsored a high altitude training camp in Holland.” (Tim Hutchings, Eurosport)

“Now it's either the top dozen or the leading twelve that will make the final in this qualifying round of the Javelin.” (Martin Gillingham, Eurosport)

DUMB BRITONS

“What force of nature is responsible for keeping the Earth, planets and asteroids in orbit around the Sun?” (Anne Robinson, ‘The Weakest Link', BBC 2)

Contestant: “Delta Force.”

“Which piece of essential household equipment was invented by Thomas Crapper?” (Graham Liver, BBC Radio Leeds)

Contestant: “Err, I'm not sure.”

Liver: “The clue is in the question. Thomas Crapper.”

Contestant: “Oh yes! It's the tin opener.”

“Where is the auditory canal?” (Danny Kelly, BBC Radio WM)

Caller: “Is it in Manchester?”

THE BORGIA POPE

In August 1492, Rodrigo Borgia (1431-1503) bribed enough Cardinals to get himself elected Pope Alexander VI. During his 11 years as head of the Catholic Church, he acquired vast personal wealth, held wild sex orgies in the Vatican and fathered two children.

Devout Catholic historians do not much like to be reminded of the corrupt Borgia Pope and his family. Rodrigo was an unprincipled despot, much more interested in wealth and political power than listening to confessions and converting sinners to the faith. His son Cesare (1475-1507) was a mercenary soldier (read: ruthless killer) whilst Rodrigo's beautiful daughter Lucrezia (1480-1519) was fond of poisoning her rich old husbands and inheriting all their wealth and property.

It has been suggested that the Borgias were the first real criminal family in Europe centuries before the Cosa Nostra (mafia) ran organised crime in Italy. Modern Popes are certainly much more honest and devout men, but they are also pretty dull when compared to Alexander VI. As Jack Nicholson might say, “A Pope hosting wild sex orgies in the Vatican ? Boy, I like him already!”

DESERT RATS

The death of a soldier in a firefight in Garmat Ali, just north of Basra, brings the number of British dead in Iraq to 117 at time of writing (August). Meanwhile at the BBC, the producers of the motoring show ‘Top Gear' are in touch with hostile environment/safety advisers to assess the feasibility of a brilliant scheme: racing a clutch of 4x4's from Kuwait to Basra. The bright spark who came up with this loony idea was Jeremy Clarkson, the show's host. Our Jeremy is a car fanatic aged 9 trapped in the body of a hulking adult. In one episode of his infantile programme, he stated, “Today we are going to drive very, very fast and be very, very irresponsible.” And very, very stupid.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

“The rules of engagement (ROE) for the United Nations in the Lebanon are the usual garbage. A UN Trooper cannot return fire until he is shot dead.” (David Halberstam)

HONDAS IN DANGER

A NOTICE outside the Harley Bar in Pattaya reads: ‘Park your Harley here. All Japanese motorcycles will be towed away and crushed.'

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

this month

regulars

stories

free ads

sports

golf

funnies

info

back issues