HUMOUR
This month's column is packed with celebrities, from those who are famous football fans to presidents to some aging rock stars. football, fame, politics and music - it's all here in your super, soaraway...
WORLD CUP FAN
A MAN had tickets for the 2006 World Cup final in Berlin. After he was sitting in one of his seats for a few minutes watching Italy v France, the man behind him tapped him on the shoulder, and asked if anyone was with him. "No" he says simply. "The seat is empty."
"Absolutely incredible!" said the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup final, one of the great sporting events in the world, and then not use it?"
"Well", said the other man. "I bought that seat ticket for my wife. She was supposed to come with me but unfortunately she died last week. This is the first World Cup in twenty years that we have not been to together."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that", replied the other man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else to take that valuable seat? Maybe a friend or a relative, or perhaps even a neighbour?"
The other man shook his head. "No", he said. "They're all at the funeral."
CELEBRITY FANS
Arsenal FC has an embarrassing celebrity fan: Saudi millionaire and terrorist leader Osama bin Laden, the world's most wanted man. This is of course one of those urban legends that are impossible to verify, but it does give Arsenal haters a chance to go to town on the North London club.
The story goes that bin Laden became a big Arsenal fan whilst staying in London during the early 1990's, and bought his eldest son an Arsenal shirt. A somewhat humourless spokesperson for the club said, "We've seen the reports. He will not be welcome at Highbury." I guess that also goes for Arsenal's new (Emirates) stadium.
Another celebrity soccer fan is actor Dennis Waterman (Chelsea) who ironically played a Fulham fan during his days as Terry McCann in the 'Minder' TV series. (In one episode, he was ejected from Stamford Bridge for troublemaking!) Note that Lord Sebastian Coe, GB's double Olympic Champion has long been a season ticket holder at Chelsea, and rarely misses a home game. Though he lived in Sheffield until 1982, he was born in Chiswick, London on 29 September 1956 and is a die-hard Blues fan along with former Sports Minister Tony Banks.
Other English Premier League clubs' celebrity fans include - Aston Villa: Prince William; Charlton: Jim Davidson; Everton: Jennifer Ellison; Fulham: Hugh Grant; Liverpool: Doctor Ire; Manchester City: Bernard Manning; Manchester United: Alan Partridge/Steve Coogan; Middlesborough: Bob Mortimer; Portsmouth: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (the famous creator of Sherlock Holmes was a founder member of Portsmouth FC in 1884 and was a goalie there for a while); Wigan: Mikhail Gorbachev (Yes, the former Russian premier); Watford: Terry Scott (plus former owner Elton John); Reading: Uri Geller; Sheffield United: Sean Bean; Tottenham Hotspur: Henry Kelly (plus of course our own Colin Devonshire).
PRICELESS SPORTS QUOTE
"Pole Vaulters don't like these rainy conditions. These men don't like to plant their poles into a wet box." (Tim Hutchings, Eurosport )
SAINT OF THE (BURNING) BUSH
President George Walker Bush (60) was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington, DC as part of his campaign to restore his poll ratings. Bush's campaign manager visited the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity recently because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution of 100,000 dollars to your church if during your next sermon you would declare that president Bush is a saint."
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The church is currently in desperate need of funds, so I will agree to do it."
Bush showed up for the sermon the following Sunday just as the bishop began his talk.
"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President", he began. "George Bush Junior is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of '9/11' in 2001 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people into re-electing him in 2004. He lied about weapons of mass destruction (WMD), and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the USA the most hated nation on earth.
He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax breaks to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we have had since the Depression.
He instituted illegal wiretaps through a secret court, had his henchmen lie about it, and then claimed that he is above the law. His administration set up illegal prisons around the world, where his foreign enemies could be held without parole or due process of law.
He has headed the most corrupt, bride-inducing political party since Teapot Dome. Under Bush, the national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion dollars. Gas prices are up by 85 per cent and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he is afraid to lose votes from religious kooks. And in spite of seizing the oil installations in Iraq, the cost of crude oil is currently running at over 85 dollars a barrel."
The Bishop concluded: "President Bush is the worst example of a true Christian that I have ever known. But, compared to Vice President Dick Cheney, George
Walker Bush is a saint!"
QUESTIONS TO PONDER ON
Why do we always press harder on a remote control when we know that the batteries are weak?
Why do banks charge an additional fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough in the account?
Who do state executioners always use sterilised needles when executing condemned felons by lethal injection?
How does Tarzan manage to shave in the jungle?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those airtight enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
How come you never hear 'father-in-law' jokes?
JIM ROCKFORD AND HIS CAR
I was recently loaned the complete series of 'The Rockford Files' on DVD, starring James Garner, which was a welcome bout of nostalgia. For me, the complex plot lines, car chases and occasional violence are always secondary to Garner's great quips and one-liners. But a bit of sloppy continuity was apparent in one episode. Wisecracking private eye Jim Rockford is commissioned to investigate a case on the East Coast of the USA.
He duly leaves his caravan on Venice Beach, California, and takes a domestic flight to Virginia. Once there, he travels around the countryside following up leads in his faithful bronze coloured Ford Mustang. Just how he got his car onto the aircraft is not explained.
FROM THE KILLING FIELDS
"Anyone who knows my work will know that half of this belongs to Dith Pran, my guide and interpreter in Cambodia. Without Pran's help I would not have been able to file half the stories that I did. As they pondered their options in the White House, the men who decided to bomb and then invade Cambodia, they concerned themselves with many things: great power conflicts, collapsing dominoes, looking tough and dangerous to the North Vietnamese, and relieving pressure on the American troop withdrawal from the south. They had domestic concerns as well, which helps explain why they kept the bombing a secret for as long as they could. And they may be assumed not to have ignored self-interest in their own careers. What they specifically were NOT concerned with was the Cambodians themselves: not the people, not the society, and not the country; except in the abstract as instruments of policy. Dith Pran and I tried to record and bring home here the concrete consequences of these policies to real people, to human beings. We tried to capture the story of the people who were left out of the administration's plans but who paid the price and took the beating for them. I'm very pleased to accept this award on behalf of Dith Pran and myself. I am very honoured, and I know that Pran would be very proud. Thank you."
(Part of Sydney Schanberg's acceptance speech at the Association of International Foreign Press Correspondents Prize presentation for Journalism in 1976. Schanberg was a correspondent for The New York Times and was played by Sam Waterson in the award winning movie 'The Killing Fields' (1984), a powerful and moving film about the plight of Cambodia directed by Roland Joffe)
GERIATRIC ROCKERS
Back in 1964 when I was a teenage student in Croydon (England), a group of us went to The Crawdaddy Club in Richmond, Surrey to see a new band called The Rolling Stones. We were stunned. They were awesome. This was great rock music at its best - loud, brash and unrepentant. And they were real musicians, too. They combined rock music with the blues, which was something new to us. And unlike the cuddly Beatles, they were brooding, rebellious and vaguely dangerous, which made them very exciting to us.
After the show, Brian Jones spoke to a few of us. I immediately became a fan and bought many Stones' records from that day on. When they got busted for drugs in 1967, and condemned by pious politicians, it all added to The Stones' rebel image, and we loyal fans loved them all the more for that.
In spite of their anti-establishment image (or maybe because of it), The Rolling Stones made the big time and very soon became world famous. 42 years later, they still occasionally give live concerts. But I wouldn't cross the road to see them now. Frankly, there is something faintly ridiculous and embarrassing watching multi-millionaires in their sixties prancing about on stage, pretending to be subversives. Rock music is about youth and rebellion and Mick Jagger (born in Dartford, Kent on 26 July 1943) ceased being that many years ago.
In fact, it would be hard to find a more conservative, establishment figure than Sir Mick, the ardent Cricket fan; the man who said that he would leave Britain forever if the country voted in a socialist government in 1997. Of course The Stones still have many loyal fans who will pack out any concert venue. Good luck to them. But they are still playing the same tunes that they were in the 60's. Unlike other pop music geriatrics such as Bowie, McCartney, Elton John and Dylan, their music has not progressed or evolved. I know that is exactly what their millions of fans want, and I would not begrudge them their nostalgia, especially as they pay handsomely for their concert tickets.
Here's another irony for you. Roger Daltrey of The Who was born in East London on 1 March 1944. At the age of 62 he's also still giving the occasional concert, sometimes alone and sometimes fronting The Who. (who will soon be collecting their pensions also). Daltrey does not need the money either; Roger the farmer enjoys life on his vast country estate and is indeed a very rich man. But back in 1964, when he really WAS an exciting young rebel, he sang the immortal words, "Hope I die before I get old!"
Some say that rock legends Brian Jones, Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison did the right thing: they got out of it all at the age 27 by dying tragically and poetically. The Beatles too broke up acrimoniously in 1970 after putting their best work together between 1962 and 1969.
Sadly, when 'The King' himself, Elvis Presley, (born in Tupelo, Mississippi on 8 January 1935) died at the age of 42 in 1977 he was really way past his best. In one of his final televised concerts in Las Vegas, he was a pathetic sight: a white caped, bloated drag queen, staggering and laughing as he slurred his lyrics drunkenly. Conversely, I must admit that Mick Jagger (63) still looks amazingly sprightly and fit as he leaps about on stage and belts out his ancient lyrics at The Stones' sell-out concerts.
In her autobiography, his former lover Marianne Faithful exposed Mick as a terrible old fraud who has been conning us for years; a conservative masquerading as a satanic rock rebel as he laughs all the way to his Swiss bank account. During his career, Mick Jagger has confessed to having had sex with thousands of young women and maybe that keeps him feeling young. Somehow the art of growing old gracefully has escaped him.
Oscar Wilde once said, "Youth is wasted on the young." Maybe so. But once it has gone youth really cannot be recaptured. Call me a boring old fart but I say let's leave the excitement of youth to the young.
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th
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