HUMOUR
RAMBO GRANNY
Gun-Toting granny Ava Estelle (81) was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down; and shot off their testicles. “The old lady spent a week hunting the men down, and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way,” stated Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid her gun on the sergeant's desk and calmly told him, “Those bastards will never rape anybody again, thank God.” Police say that convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth (33) lost both his penis and his testicles when the avenging Ava opened fire with a 9mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas (29) were holed up.
The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. “The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said that he won't be using it the way he used to,” detective Delp told reporters. “Both men were in pretty poor shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they have been through.” The Rambo Granny swung into action last August after her granddaughter Debbie was car-jacked and then raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding men in a section of town bordering on skid row. “When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get these creeps myself, ‘cause I figured that the law would go easy on ‘em”, recalled the retired library worker. “And I wasn't scared of ‘em either; because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting all my life. Plus I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one,” she continued. Using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's own description of the two miscreants, Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-invested neighbourhood where the crime took place. Finally she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. “I knew it was them the minute I saw ‘em, but I took a photo of them anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them”, she recalled. “So I went back to that hotel, found their room and knocked on the door. The minute the big one opened the door, I shot ‘im right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt the most, you know? Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.”
Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. “What she did was wrong; she sure as hell broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison,” said Delp, “especially when three million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor of Melbourne.” (My thanks to Len Agar for this news item)
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
Q: What the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: About 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a
boyfriend and a husband?
A: About 45 minutes.
THOUGHTS FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. A will is a dead giveaway.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can be repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France which resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison became a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their
britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a bridge in Paris , you are in Seine .
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought that she would dye. Bakers trade bread on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners who race barefooted suffer the agony of de feet.
SCREAMING CELLPHONES
Cellphones are no longer exclusively for posers. Almost everyone now owns one. When primary school children are ordered by teachers to switch off their mobiles during class time, you know that the market has become saturated in ‘developed' countries. Inevitably the most stolen personal item these days is the mobile telephone. Small portable things are easy to steal, you see. But wait: a new device to foil cell phone thieves has hit the market. This clever gizmo is quickly installed, and completely invisible. Once the user finds his/her phone missing, they only have to call a service number to get their phone disabled.
Best of all, the disabled stolen phone will also start ‘screaming' very loudly and very annoyingly. As long as a live battery remains inside it, the device will keep screaming and hopefully disrupt and reveal the thief by drawing attention to him/her. But to disable the cell phone and initiate the screaming, the owner has to call up the special service. That means using another telephone, right? This is fine if you are out with a friend who also has a cell phone, but what can a person who has been ripped off do if they are out alone? Do they ask the nearest stranger for the use of their telephone in order to disable their own? What would you say to some complete stranger who approached you and said, “Can I borrow you mobile telephone sir/madam? Mine has been stolen.”
Your initial reaction might well be, “Oh yeah? Well mine is NOT stolen. And I want to keep it that way!”
One more thing: to activate the disabling procedure, the victim of theft also has to have the service number either handy or memorised. What do you have memorised besides your own postal address, telephone number and ATM PIN code?
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.”
(David Bissonette)
“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” (Sacha Guitry)
“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can't face each other, but they stay together.” (Hemant Joshi)
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you will be happy. If you get a bad one, you will become a philosopher.” (Socrates)
“Woman inspires us to great things, and then prevents us from achieving them.” (Alexander Dumas)
“The great question – which I have never been able to answer is this: What does a woman want?” (Sigmund Freud) “I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.”
(Groucho Marx)
“People often ask the secret of our
long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant twice a week. A little
candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, and I go Fridays.” (Henry Youngman)
“I don't worry about terrorism anymore.
I was married for two years.” (Sam
Kinson)
“There is a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called Marriage.” (James Holt McGavran)
“I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.” (Patrick Murray)
“Here are two secrets to keep your
marriage brimming:
(a) Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
(b) Whenever you're right, shut up.” ( Ogden Nash)
“Do you know what I did before I was married? Anything I wanted to.” (Henry Youngman)
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” (Rodney Dangerfield)
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” (Milton Berle)
“Marriage is perhaps the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.”
(Aristotle)
First man (proudly): “My wife is an
angel!”
Second man: “You're lucky; mine is still alive.” (Unknown)
DRINK/DRIVE VICAR
A vicar was pulled over by highway patrolmen who told him that he was driving erratically. Then one officer sniffed the car's interior and smelt
alcohol.
“What have you been drinking sir?” asked the policeman politely. “Oh,
just some water officer,” answered the churchman. The patrolman spotted an empty wine bottle just below the passenger's seat. “What's this then?” asked the cop again. “Looks like an empty bottle of wine to me.” The vicar looked amazed. “Good Lord!” He shouted. “He's done it again!”
RICH ROMAN
The personal fortune of Russian oil magnate and businessman Roman
Abramovich (born in Saratov, Russia on 24 October 1966) is reckoned at close to 18.2 billion US dollars. Therefore the 935 million bucks that he has spent on revamping Chelsea Football Club is really just small change. The influx of cash worked as Chelsea won the English Premiership in 2004/05 and 2005/06. Capitalism in Russia these days is a dangerous business: Abramovich always travels in his home country with six heavily armed bodyguards by his side. To some, ‘The Blues' are now known as ‘Chelski'.
QUOTE CORNER
“And as Germany's Franka Dietzsch steps into the circle for her fourth
round discus throw, it's a case of ‘Once more into the Dietzsch, dear friends.'” (Andy Edwards, Eurosport, deliberately misquoting Henry V)
“Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” (Tiger Woods)
“Mirror, mirror on the wall: who has the best cosmetic surgeon in the mall?” (Jay Leno quoting Nancy Reagan on getting up every morning)
“The company wants this thing alive for the bio weapons division. What makes you think they give a hoot about a bunch of lifers who found God at
the ass end of space?” (Ellen Ripley/ Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3, 1992)
SITCOM QUIPS
“Well, that's one on me, and my call screener Roz, whose ancestor King
Priam was once heard to say, ‘Oh, what a lovely giant wooden horse! Of course I will sign for it!' ” (From ‘Frasier' starring Kelsey Grammer)
“Hey man; you don't know squat! You know less than squat! You and Squat
could go the ballgame together and he can wear the ‘I'm next to stupid' tee shirt! Thanks for your call. Now get outta here you moron!” (Sports commentator Bob ‘Bulldog' Briscoe slagging off a phone-in listener on his radio show in ‘Frasier')
“Dear listeners, you will find these amazing chocolate éclairs so
delightfully sinful that after eating one you will positively RUN to your local priest for absolution!”
(Food critic Gil Chesterton in ‘Frasier')
Sam Malone (Ted Danson): “What would you say to a beer?”
Norm Peterson (George Wendt): “Daddy loves you, baby!” (From ‘Cheers')
DOG-GONE!
Q: Where would you find a legless dog?
A: Wherever you left it.
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th
[
return to the top ]
