HUMOUR
The usual mix of the funny, the stupid and the downright ridiculous this month, with the icing on the cake being ‘the best of Homer Simpson'. Read ‘em and weep!
AL-GEBRA TERRORIST?
New York : A public school teacher was arrested today at John F Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight whilst in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying ‘weapons of math instruction'. “Al-gebra is a problem for us,” Gonzales stated. “They desire solutions by means of extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search for absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘X' and ‘Y' and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are three sides to every triangle.'”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters that they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by their beloved President.
CHEAP CAR INSURANCE FOR KIWIS?
“When I discovered that insurance for a hearse cost less than one-third as much as regular car insurance, I decided to re-register my vehicle,” an anonymous female caller told the New Zealand radio station, Newstalk ZB. “By describing my car as a ‘non-commercial hearse' that would be used to ‘carry dead animals', I reduced my insurance fee from NZ$183 to NZ$58, and now several of my friends have done the same. And because I regularly carry frozen chickens home from the supermarket, it's all perfectly legal.”
But Andy Knackstedt of Land Transport New Zealand warned that the authorities were taking urgent measures to stamp out one of the country's fastest-growing scams. “Carrying groceries or dead animals in your car does not make it a hearse,” he warned. “But many people seem to think that it does. On the day that the radio talk show aired, forty people re-registered their vehicles under the ‘hearse' category, but by doing so, they are voiding their ACC insurance cover, which is illegal. LTNZ has now written to more than 900 people, giving them a week to re-register correctly, or face prosecution. Let me be clear: the definition of a hearse is a motor vehicle used to convey coffins, not groceries.” ( New Zealand Herald)
BURIAL VENUE
A Jewish couple went on vacation in Jerusalem . Whilst they were there the man's wife died. The undertaker approached the husband and said, “You can have your beloved wife shipped home for 5,000 dollars; or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for just 150 dollars. What's it gonna be, mister?”
The man thought it over for a while and told the undertaker that he would have the body of dear wife shipped home. The undertaker was incredulous. “Why spend 5,000 dollars to ship her home, when it would be a wonderful act of faith to have her buried here – and you would spend just 150 bucks?” he asked.
The man replied, “Over two thousand years ago a man died and was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”
SPORTS QUOTES
“Van Persie is the right player for them because he can open up a whole a can of worms.” (Paul Merson, ITV)
“We're not as good as we think we are; and we need to go out there and prove that. In the end, it was a no-win situation for everyone. We knew that we had to win, and we did.” (Steve McClaren, BBC Radio 5 Live)
“Even though there are only 400 Andorran supporters here at Old Trafford, I think that will constitute a record home crowd for them even though they are playing away from home.” (Alan Green, BBC Radio 5 Live)
“Thierry Henry has two good feet; left and right, and that makes him very dangerous to any goal keeper.” (Ronnie Goodlass, BBC Radio Merseyside)
“And so Brendan Foster came down from the mountain with his tablets and his instructions from God, and the Great North Run was ran for the first time in September 1981.” (Dave Cannon, Eurosport)
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
A schoolteacher collected some well-known proverbs, and gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, asking them to complete the sayings. Their insights may surprise you. Here are a few:
Better to be safe than.....punch a fifth grader.
Strike while the.....bug is close.
It's always darkest just before.....daylight savings.
Never estimate the power of.....termites.
You can lead a horse to water, but....how?
Don't bite the hand that....looks dirty.
No news is.....impossible.
A miss is as good as a.....mister.
You can't teach an old dog new.....math.
If you lie down with dogs, you will.....stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.....me.
The pen is mightier than the.....pigs.
An idle mind is.....the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.....pollution.
Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.....not much.
Two's company; three's.....the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and.....you will have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as.....Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind.....you get out of the way.
Better late than.....pregnant.
RURAL AUSTRALIAN COMPUTER DICTIONARY
Log on: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.
Log off: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.
Monitor: Keeping a close eye on the Barbie.
Download: Getting the firewood off the ute.
Hard Drive: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
Keyboard: Where you hang the ute (utility vehicle) keys.
Window: What you shut when it's cold outside.
Screen: What you shut in the mozzie season.
Byte: What mosquitoes do.
Megabyte: What Townsville mozzies do.
Chip: A bar snack.
Microchip: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
Modem: What you did to the lawns.
Laptop: Where the cat sleeps.
Software: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
Hardware: Stainless steel knives and forks from K-Mart.
Mouse: Small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
Mainframe: What holds the shed up.
Web: What spiders make.
Website: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.
Search engine: What you do when the ute won't go.
Cursor: What you say when the ute won't go.
Yahoo: What you say when the ute does go.
Upgrade: A steep hill.
Server: The Sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
Mail server: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
User: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
Network: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
Internet: Where you want the fish to go.
Netscape: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
Online: Where you hang the washing.
Offline: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
ROVER: PHONE HOME!
The latest craze in the USA is a cell phone for your pet dog. Yes, a doggie telephone. If you are missing your favourite pooch, you can call Rover on his very own mobile telephone stitched into his dog collar. The phone automatically answers and the sound of your voice on the line will sooth him. That's the idea behind the device anyway. If your pooch goes missing, you can also check the Global Positioning System and pinpoint exactly where he is; and that's perhaps the real benefit of the thing. Please don't expect Rover to call you back or return messages, however. Woof, woof!
THE WIT AND WISE DOM OF HOMER SIMPSON
* “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
* “Just because I don't care doesn't mean that I don't understand.”
* “I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.”
* “Well, it's 1 am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.”
* “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir' without adding, ‘You're making a scene.'”
* “Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.”
* “Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?”
* “You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and then press the right buttons.”
* “Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.”
* “When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle; they're on TV!”
* “Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.”
* “I'm now going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!”
* (On meeting aliens): “Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat THEM!”
* “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know that Bart is nuts.”
* “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”
* “The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him ‘Gamblor', and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!”
* “When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know that they are about to jab me with something.”
* “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, (and it hasn't) it's that girls should stick to girlie sports such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such.”
* “I'm not a bad guy. I work hard, and I love my children. So why should I spend half my Sundays hearing about how I'm going to Hell when I die?”
* “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say that you are prejudiced against all races.”
* “It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I manage to fit in eight hours of television a day.”
* “Lisa, vampires are make-believe; just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos.”
* “Now I want to share something with you: the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me, buddy. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
* “Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”
* “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
* “Television: my teacher, mother, and secret lover.”
* “If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.”
* “I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.”
* “Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man; and old people are useless.”
* “Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”
* “If something is hard to do, then it's not worth doing.”
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th
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