HUMOUR
A surprising lack of Irish stories in this month's Cocky's, but still a joy of jocular jousting, stretching back to knights in the 14th century right up to streetwise maths tests in l.a and high jinks with pole vaulter yarns. throw in a few Donald Rumsfeld quotes and you have yourself a column!
POLE FAULT!
Pole vaulters always have a ready supply of good yarns, mainly concerning problems they have encountered in travelling with the tools of their trade. Everyone has heard the tale of the hapless vaulter trying to get his 5 metre (16' 5”) long pole on underground rail systems and onto international flights. One unlucky athlete was assured by airport staff that his stack of poles would be safely stored in the baggage hold and travel with him to Australia . Then on arrival and baggage reclaim at Sydney , he found that all twelve of his precious implements had been neatly sawn in half!
My favourite story on this topic was an occasion when I was the passenger in a car. Back in the 1970's, Britain 's only full-scale competitive indoor athletics venue was in a vast aircraft hanger at RAF Cosford, near Wolverhampton in Staffordshire. Londoners faced a lengthy round-trip by road or rail to compete or spectate there.
After the national indoor championships at Cosford one freezing winter weekend, I hitched a ride back to London with two of my friends, both international class pole-vaulters. Lashed to the rack on top of the car was a stack of a dozen fibreglass-vaulting poles, from 4.5 to 5.1 metres long, all in their cases. As required by road safety regulations, a white rag was tied to the back end of the stack, which dangled behind the vehicle.
Just after clearing Birmingham , we were heading along the motorway towards London at a good clip (around 70 mph) when it happened. The vehicle in front of us swerved and slowed dramatically as the brakes were applied: the driver was trying to avoid hitting a fox that had shot across the tarmac in front of him. Of course our driver also braked and swerved to avoid a potentially fatal collision. But the poles did not stop. They shot out of their cases like javelins and speared the car in front, four of them smashing through the rear window as the others bounced off the bodywork and then flew all over the road. Luckily there was no one sitting in the rear seats of the first car, for they would surely have been badly injured or killed by those flying strips of fibreglass. One pole struck the right back fender and then whipped across the road, rapping the bonnet and windscreen of a passing car, probably giving the driver the fright of his life! Five vaulting poles were destroyed beyond repair. As far as I know, the fox escaped to live another day.
The resulting insurance litigation was protracted and complicated, as you can imagine. The front driver's company claimed that we should not have been carrying such potentially lethal implements on our vehicle as this freak dramatic accident clearly demonstrated. My friends contended that the other driver should not have braked so suddenly without warning. In attempting to avoid a wild animal that jumped out in front of him, he was making a hazard of his own vehicle to road users travelling at speed behind him.
In making a split-second decision in cases like this, the proper cause of action is not to brake or serve. Just keep going straight ahead at a constant speed and then scrape and wash the remains of the mangled animal off your front fender afterwards. It is surely safer to run down a wild fox rather than risk your own safety and that of other road users by braking suddenly at high speed. That was the final decision when the case went to court.
My friends also finally had the cost of their poles reimbursed. At around eighty pounds sterling (5,600 baht) each these things are not exactly cheap. For a while they had to compete using borrowed poles, which was far from satisfactory. But I will never forget the sight of those poles, flying through the air like ancient fibreglass pikes in some long-forgotten battle in the English midlands.
GENTLEMAN KNIGHTS
Leading up to the battle of Bannockburn (1314) there were many border skirmishes between English and Scottish raiders near Carlisle and Dumfries . One of the most notable for demonstrating the chivalry of ancient warfare concerned Sir James Lindsay of Scotland and Sir Matthew Redman, governor of Berwick, sometime in 1311. After a bloody clash of arms, Redman rode away from the skirmish towards Newcastle and safety. He was hotly pursued by Lindsay, who shouted after him, “Ah, Sir Knight! Turn and fight me, man! It is a shame thus to fly. Behold, I am James of Lindsay!”
But Redman declined the challenge and rode on, hoping to shake off this persistent Scot. The chase continued for three miles, until Redman's horse stumbled and threw him. Lindsay, lance in hand, was immediately upon the English knight. Redman parried the thrust and severed Lindsay's lance with his sword. The latter leapt from his horse, pulling a short battle axe slung at his back, and they fought on dismounted, hacking away at each other for several minutes until Redman, already wounded from the original skirmish, put down his sword and surrendered to the Scot.
Redman then informed Lindsay that he had some business to settle in Newcastle , but “I will within fifteen days come back to Scotland to surrender to you.” Lindsay accepted, saying, “I am content. Promise by your faith to come to me at Edinburgh within fifteen days; but wherever you go let it be known that you are my prisoner.”
With this amazing gentleman's agreement sealed on a handshake, the two knights parted: Lindsay back to the Scottish border, Redman to Newcastle . But as he headed north, Lindsay rode into a troop of some 400 horsemen. He thought he had come up to the Scots, but it was the English reserve led by the Bishop of Durham. They captured him and within minutes he was following his recent captive on the road south to Newcastle .
Lindsay was disarmed and held at the Bishop's lodgings where an astonished Redman discovered him. “I rather think”, said Lindsay, “that you will not now come to Edinburgh to surrender to me. We will exchange one for the other.”
“Well sir”, replied Sir Matthew, “We shall accord right well together, but first ye shall dine tonight with me. You shall be my guest, my dear fellow.”
So just a few hours after exchanging potentially fatal blows, the two knights sat down at a tavern in Newcastle to eat and drink together, no doubt swapping old yarns of warfare and chivalry.
At Bannockburn on 23/24 June 1314, the 8,000 cleverly deployed troops led by Robert the Bruce defeated a much larger English force under King Edward II. Lindsay and Redman fought on opposing sides, and it is said that they greeted each other with raised swords during the heat of battle; though this may just be a fanciful part of the famous Scottish Ballard. They declined to fight directly each other again, however, as they were now bound in friendship for the rest of their lives. (Research: H V Morton; ‘In Search of Scotland' 1929)
GREAT RUMMYISMS
Former US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is as good as his boss at mangling the English language and making spectacular dud quotes. Here are some examples:
On looting in Baghdad – “Stuff happens. It's untidy, and freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things.”
On the chances of a quick victory in Iraq – “The Gulf War in the 1990's lasted five days on the ground. I can't tell you if the use of force in Iraq today would last five days, or five weeks, or five months. But it is not going to last longer than that.”
On unknowns – “I don't know what the facts are but somebody's certainly going to sit down with him and find out what he knows that they may not know, and make sure he knows what they know that he may not know.”
“Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns. The ones we don't know we don't know.”
On his colleagues – “Needless to say, the President is correct; whatever it was he said. Secretary Powell and I agree on every single issue that has ever been before this administration except for those instances where Colin was still learning.”
On the hunt for WMDs – “We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.” And when no weapons were found – “There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. It is basically saying the same thing in a different way. Simply because you do not have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that it doesn't exist.”
On the future – “I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started.”
On the hunt for Osama bin Laden – “We do know of certain knowledge that he is either in Afghanistan , or in some other country like Pakistan , or he is dead.”
THE MECHANIC AND THE SURGEON
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known surgeon in his shop. The latter was there waiting for the service manager to look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc! Can I ask you a question?”
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, repair any damage, and then I put them all back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get paid chump change for my work and you get big bucks, when you and I are basically doing the same work?”
The surgeon paused, then smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic. “I take your point. But try removing the innards with the engine running.”
LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOLS MATHS EXAM
YO to the Brothers! Know what? Schools are finally starting to teach practical mathematics that American kids can use in real life situations. Here is a sample form:
Name..........................................
Gang/Crew Name........................... Crib.........................................
1) Ramn has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses an average of 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramn attempt before he has to reload?
2) Leroy has eight ounces of yeyo (cocaine). If he sells an 8-ball to Antonio for $320 and two grams to Juan for 85 dollars per gram; what is the street value of the rest of his stash?
3) Dwayne pimps three ho's (hookers). If the price is 85 dollars per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn in order to support Dwayne's 800 dollars per-day crack habit?
4) Raul wants to cut the pound of smack (heroin) he bought for 40,000 dollars to make a 20 per cent profit. How many bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit margin?
5) Desmond gets 200 dollars for a stolen BMW, 150 for stealing a Corvette, and 100 dollars for a 4x4. If he steals one BMW, two Corvettes and three 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make 900 dollars?
6) Pedro got six years for murder. But he also got 10,000 crisp dollars (cash) for the hit. If his common-law wife spends 100 dollars of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is three square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% left over?
8) Tyrone knocked up four girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls that Tyrone knocked up?
9) LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. She also has a Boa Constrictor that eats five rats per week at a cost of 5 dollars per rat. If LaShaunda makes 700 dollars a week as lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10) Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, and assuming that his aim is accurate, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
Let's have your answers in thirty minutes, students and people. All right! Gimme five, baby! Yeah! (My thanks to Valdis Pauzers for this gem)
PUFFING RESERVES
I was recently watching black & white archive footage of the famous England v Hungary Soccer match at Wembley Stadium, London in 1953. This was when English players and fans got a massive shock, losing 6-3 to the well-drilled Magyars. One amazing aspect struck me, however: the sight of the Hungarian reserves chain-smoking to calm their nerves as they sat on the Hungarian bench. Now, how many managers today outside a pub Sunday League team would tolerate that?
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