HUMOUR
A varied menu of tall tales, unusual antics and exploding birds mixed with quotes and trivia makes up the Cocky's cocktail of corkers this month!
WINTER OLYMPIC TRIVIA
Ravel's famous ‘Bolero' composition is over 17 minutes long. Britain 's most famous Ice Dancing pair, Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean, adapted this music to their gold medal winning show at the 1984 Winter Olympics in Sarajevo . But they came up against an obstacle in planning their routine: Olympic rules state that the Free Dance must be four minutes long (plus or minus ten seconds). Torvill and Dean went to a music arranger to condense ‘Bolero' down to a ‘skatable' shortened version. The expert told them that the minimum time that ‘Bolero' could be shortened to was four minutes and 28 seconds (4:28); which was still 18 seconds in excess of the Olympic rule. The couple scoured the Games' rulebook and found that the actual timing of a skating routine began only when the skaters started skating. This meant that they could arguably use ‘Bolero' if they did not place their skate blades to ice for the first 18 seconds of their routine. They then timed the performance so that when Jayne first placed a blade on the ice, they would have the maximum skating time of 4:10 remaining. They worked on this for many hours until they were as close to perfection as it is possible for two humans to get in this particular discipline. In their famous gold medal-winning routine, Torvill and Dean moved and swayed their bodies to the opening bars of ‘Bolero' for 18 seconds before they began skating. And they brought the house down. (My thanks to Phil Hamilton for this item)
GRIPE SHEET BLUES
Remember that it takes a college degree to fly an aircraft but only a high school diploma to fix one. Here is some reassurance for those of you who fly routinely.
After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a ‘P'), and the solutions recorded (marked with an ‘S') by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce this problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DMR Volume unbelievably loud.
S: DMR volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF is inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect that you are right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. (My thanks to Len Agar for these)
FRESH TWISTS TO OLD NURSERY RHYMES
Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two and a half. You think they went up there for water?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her; between two hunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, “what have you got there?” Said the pie man to Simple Simon, “Pies, you dumb #$%!!”
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men had scrambled egg for breakfast – again.
Hey diddle, diddle the cat took a piddle; all over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun – then died of electric shock.
George Porgy Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play; he kissed them too ‘cos he was gay.
There once was a little girl who had a cute little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad.....she got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a Mercedes sports car.
TOMMY COOPERISMS
* So Batman came up to me and hit me over the head with a vase. Then he shouted “T'PAU!”
I said, ‘Don't you mean KAPOW!”
He said, “No, I've got china in my hand here.”
* You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong?”
* I'm so lazy that I have a smoke alarm with a snooze button fitted to it.”
* So I went to buy a watch, and the salesman said, “Analogue?”
I said, “No just a watch, please.”
* So I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish here?”
The salesman said, “Do you want an aquarium, sir?”
I said, “I really don't care what star sign it is. Just sell me a goldfish!”
* I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. So they served me a Volkswagen with no driver.”
* My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.”
* I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name; it's ‘P' something, ‘T' something with an ‘R' on the end.”
* I was reading this book yesterday, ‘The History of Glue'; and I just couldn't put it down.”
* I telephoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.”
* So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, “You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana!”
The monkey replied, “No, this is for the custard.”
* This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
* This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.”
* I told my girlfriend that I had a job in a bowling alley. She asked, “Tenpin?”
I said, “No, it's a permanent job.”
A CROC IN SOUTH LONDON
An excerpt from the famous media villain Dave Courtney's book ‘Dodgy Dave's Little Black Book' (Virgin Books, 2001): ‘Going back to when I used to work on the dust (dustman), there was this geezer there who was a condom short of a three-pack. He was always nicking exotic animals, like Llamas and lizards and spider monkeys and lord knows what else. Anyway, he used to fake death certificates for them. He got nicked for it eventually, and ended up on TV.
He got something for me that I had always wanted: a couple of crocodiles. They were little things soon after hatching. One died, but the other one just grew and grew and grew. It was eating me out of house and home, and then it started feeding on the house itself! I had to get rid of it and the RSPCA just weren't having it; know what I mean?
‘So one spring morning I let it go in Dulwich Park boat pond (in South East London) and it spent all summer eating ducks, chewing oars, biting and overturning boats, scaring kids and appearing in news stories in the local papers. It became a new Loch Ness Monster type thing – does this mysterious creature exist, or not? Winter proved that it had existed because when the pond iced up the now fully grown adult croc died of cold and its bloated body bobbed up to the surface one day.'
EAGLE OUT!
The residents of Juneau , capital of Alaska , USA , experienced an unusual outage last January. A large eagle, flying low as it clutched the head of a deer in its sharp talons, collided with an overhead power cable. There was a dramatic electrical explosion, and all power went down in over 10,000 homes in the city for several hours, which is not good news in a place where winter temperatures often plunge 30 degrees below zero Centigrade. Meantime, the eagle was fried and its dinner somewhat overcooked.
SPORTS QUOTES
“Arsenal and Liverpool are still tied at nil-nil; which means that to get in front, Arsenal will have to score a goal.” (Alan Parry, Skysport)
“My face is not a very nice face, but that doesn't make me always the bad boy.” (Chelsea FC manager Jose Mourinho, the man they all love to hate)
(From the 2007 Cycling Tour of Qatar )
“In that desperate scramble at the finish, Pataki and Boonen were both half in two minds as to what to do next.” (David Harmer, Eurosport)
“Just look at the Doha Squad. All eight of them are riding on separate bikes!” (Paul Sherwen, Eurosport)
LOCKED OUT OF THE CHANGING ROOMS
My old pal Stan Allen is a popular and successful coach with his club, Herne Hill Harriers. He relates an interesting tale from the 1970's that illustrates the difference in thinking between club Footballers and club Runners. Picture the scene: a black and freezing wintry Tuesday night at Tooting Bec track in South West London. It's 8.30pm. Just for a jape, the grounds man's daughter has padlocked the main gates, and lurks in the shadows to watch the ensuing fun.
Minutes later it happens. A large group of football players, who have just finished their floodlit game on Tooting Bec common, return to the track. They walk up to the locked gates and grip them angrily; rattling the railings; uttering obscenities and shouting out loudly for assistance. Thirty seconds later, a dozen runners trot into view, having just finished their weekly 10-mile group road run on the pavements of Tooting and Streatham.
Without hesitation and without even breaking stride, the runners spread out and casually hurdle the 3ft high iron railings three abreast like seasoned steeplechasers before jogging on into the changing rooms. The ball players continue to rattle the railings and hurl abuse until they rouse the grounds man from his office to unlock the gates for them.
By the time the footy boys clump into the changing rooms, still swearing and cursing; all the runners are already showering. A classic case, says Stan Allen, of “Neanderthals as opposed to intellectuals.”
HOPE FOR BALDIES?
Attention all you bald guys out there. A cure for your shiny scalp may be at hand. Scientists are working on a cost-effective cure for male baldness, which they estimate could be available by the end of the decade. Dr Paul Kemp's treatment involves removing a small strip of skin and hair from the back of the head, where follicles tend to live longer than those on the crown. This is then taken to a lab, where the hair-producing derma papilla cells are separated and coaxed into multiplying. The lab-grown cells are then injected into the bald area. A typical bald scalp would require 1,000 little injections but Dr Kemp (of the Cambridge , England , company Intercytex) reckons the treatment might just be cheaper than buying an expensive toupee.
Ouch! Sounds painful.
MOVIE QUOTE
“The streets are awash with drugs that you can take for misery and pain, and we took them all.” (Mark Renton, ‘Trainspotting')
CAUGHT OUT!
THE FIRST divorce directly related to the deadly terrorist attack on New York on 11 September 2001 was well publicised. It appears that a man with an office on the 33rd floor of the World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his cellphone turned off.
Whilst the two of them were busy enjoying horizontal gymnastics, he was obviously not watching TV either. Then when he turned his telephone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately.
It was his hysterical wife. “Are you OK?” she shouted, “Where are you?!”
The man replied, “What do you mean? I'm at my office of course!” (By that time, of course, his office was a heap of rubble in what later became known as Ground Zero).
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