HUMOUR
CHALABI THE LIBERATOR?
WHEN THE US-led coalition forces invaded Iraq in the spring of 2003, they soon neutralised the opposition, to the surprise of nobody. Waiting impatiently to return to his home country was one of the US Government's principal Iraqi advisors, a man named Ahmed Chalabi, who had clashed with Saddam Hussein's ruling Baathist party before fleeing the country. Chalabi had his own militia based in Kuwait .
Some members of the Bush administration felt that this could be invaluable publicity: the world would see that an Iraqi underground freedom movement was assisting the coalition forces in overthrowing Saddam's regime.
Author Bob Woodward takes up the story: ‘Besides being the head of the Iraqi National Congress, Ahmed Chalabi was in command of a group of exiled Iraqis who had received some American-sponsored military training. But everything about the military group had been a bust. Besides training only a tiny fraction of the numbers who were supposed to be armed and ready, there had even been a fight over what the group should be called. Chalabi's band was eventually given the alliterative but redundant name ‘Free Iraqi Freedom Fighters'.
By early April, Chalabi was clamouring to get into Iraq . Despite the support of his patrons at the Pentagon and in Washington , the American generals in the battleground had little use for him. The last thing they wanted to do was drop Chalabi with his militia into the middle of a war zone, but there was pressure to do just that.'
General John Abizaid finally relented. “Okay, let's put the son of a bitch in there and see if he can do what all of them think he can do”, he told General Jay Garner. “And I'll tell you now that he can't.”
The US flew Chalabi, the Free Iraqi Freedom Fighters and other Chalabi associates into Nasiriyah aboard one of its durable C-130 Hercules transport planes. US Intelligence Officer General James ‘Spider' Marks was there when Chalabi and his militia landed. He thought the INC leader was trying to emulate MacArthur's return to the Philippines in 1945. Chalabi was wearing a black sport shirt with a bush hat, leading a group of his people, all armed to the teeth with grenade launchers, assault rifles, automatic pistols, grenades and knives. So these are the Free Iraqi Freedom Fighters, Marks thought. Check your wallets, gentlemen. Boy what a nasty crowd.'
‘Within hours of getting into Iraq, reports started to come in that the Free Iraqi Freedom Fighters were carrying out reprisals, murdering, raping and looting their way to Baghdad driving at high speed in armoured Humvees and military jeeps given to them by the US military.'
‘Soon afterwards, Marks and another intelligence officer, Colonel Jon ‘Jake' Jones were riding in an open-air Humvee one night with their weapons pointed outward, wondering whether they might get into a firefight with some unknown enemy. “Slow down,” Jones said, spotting five bearded Iraqis gathered around a fire at the side of the road. They were cooking some kind of animal on a spit – a sheep or a dog maybe – and dancing around. It looked as if they were smoking dope, the officers thought. It was almost a scene out of William Golding's ‘Lord of the Flies.'
‘Jones and Marks looked at each other and reached the same conclusion, in stereo. “Free Iraqi Freedom Fighters”, they both said in unison, before hitting the gas and driving away quickly.'
(From the book ‘State of Denial ' by Bob Woodward, Simon and Schuster, 2006)
A SLOB'S GUIDE TO HEALTH AND FITNESS
Question: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Answer: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it; don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying that you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Then take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Then eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100 per cent of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is a distilled wine; that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is also made from grain. So get plenty of it down your neck whenever you can. Bottoms up; chin-chin!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
A: Can't think of a single one; sorry. My philosophy is – no pain…good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You are not listening! Foods these days are fried in vegetable oil. In fact they are permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! Chocolate is the best feel-good food around!
Q: If I exercised by swimming every day, would that be good for my figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, please explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round' is a shape, pal!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving at death's door in an attractive and well-preserved body. No, it is much better to skid in sideways (Chardonnay in one hand; chocolate bar in the other) with your body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “Woo hoo! That was a great life! What a ride!”
SOME OF LIFE'S IMPONDERABLES
a) I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
b) Gardening rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
c) The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
d) Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
e) There are two types of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
f) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
g) The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
h) Health nuts are going to feel pretty stupid one way; lying around in hospital beds dying of nothing.
i) Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to? Also, there have been no new sightings of Scotland 's famous ‘Loch Ness Monster' in years.
j) Whenever I feel blue, I just start breathing again.
j) All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
k) Back in the 1960's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
l) How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire; but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?
m) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I'll just squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
n) Who was the first person to say, “See that hen over there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt?”
o) Why is there light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
p) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
q) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
r) Have you ever noticed that when you blow into a dog's face, he gets angry; but when you take him out on a care ride, he sticks his head out of the window to feel the wind on his face?
s) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
DROWNING POLAR BEARS BY THE POUND (A report from Mr Angry in UK )
I APPEAR to be at war with two of Britain 's biggest supermarkets. And it's not my fault; honest. It all began when I pitched up at the sales counter at my local Tesco branch carrying a shopping basket containing two bottles of beer, a baguette of bread, and two newspapers. What I took to be a nice old lady was behind the till.
Before I'd even had the chance to ask for a packet of fags (to you Americans, that means a pack of cigarettes, not a box of homosexuals), she was at my throat like a pit bull on speed. “Only three items here”, she barked, triumphantly pointing to a sign behind the desk.
“Err…why? I asked, somewhat mystified.
“Because it causes queues!” she shouted.
I looked behind me: there was no one there apart from a special needs kid pushing a broom and a tramp lurking with intent by the sell-by-date sausages. “But there's no one here waiting,” I ventured.
“Doesn't matter”, she said. “Rules are rules.” Her eyes gleamed with the fervent certainty of someone who had been on A Training Course.
Now I had two choices at this stage. Number one, for that mad second that the red mist descends, was to empty the basket out on the floor, turn on my heel and walk out, dignity intact. Number two was to swallow my pride and get on with it. I wanted a beer, and I wanted a fag. And I wanted to win the lottery, so number two it was.
“Right,” I said. “I'll have these two newspapers and the baguette; plus twenty Silk Cut Purple and two lucky dips for tonight.”
Rosa Klebb smiled thinly and proceeded with the transaction. I had plenty of cash on me, but paid by credit card just to annoy her. She handed me my receipt and began to turn away. “And now,” I said. “I'll have these two bottles of beer.”
She froze in her tracks. We eyed each other across a display of cut-price goods, like two gunfighters at the Pic'n Mix Corral.
“You can't do that,” she said. “Only three items allowed.”
“Yes,” I answered patiently. “But this is a new transaction, and I've only got two items here.”
“Then you have to go to the back of the queue and wait your turn, sir” she hissed in barely suppressed anger.
I looked behind me. The special needs kid had stopped pushing his broom and was picking his nose. The tramp was hurrying across the car park with a suspicious bulge in one pocket of his trouser department. (My diversion had obviously worked very well for him). But of waiting customers, there were none.
I smiled slowly. The smile of victory; the smile of napalm in the morning. Rosa now had no choice but to bite the bullet. But if she could have spat in my beer as she served me, she would have done. Round one to me.
Two days later, I'm at Waitrose, just about to go through the checkout, when I notice that there are no carrier bags for my shopping. So I asked what I took to be the nice old lady on the till if I could have some. Guess what? She only turned out to be Rosa's long-lost sister.
“Don't you want a Bag for Life?” she asked. “They are better for the environment.”
Yes, well, they might be, but I've already got 137 Bags for Life. They tend to lie around in the car boot (that's the trunk to you Americans) for a few months and then get thrown in the back of the garage. They never, ever, get taken back to the store to be used for the purpose for which they were intended.
“No thanks,” I said. “I'll just have some carrier bags please.”
I think I would have got a better reception if I'd asked for half a pound of fresh dog meat and a 2 kilo bag of smack. I was then subjected to a lecture from Rosa's sister delivered with the fervent certainty of someone who had been to An Environmental Awareness Seminar.
Now I'm getting a bit pee-ed off by now. I don't go to Waitrose to be preached at. I go there to worship at the altar of excessive consumption. So I pointed to a shrink-wrapped cauliflower lurking on the conveyor belt amongst my shopping.
“Well if you are that bothered about saving polar bears from drowning, why have you wrapped that thing in plastic?” I quite reasonably asked.
“It's to keep it fresh”, was the predictable reply.
“It was fresh before it was wrapped, wasn't it? How is half a yard of Clingfilm going to help?” I rejoined.
“We need somewhere to stick the barcode.” She replied.
“Why do you need a barcode on it? Can't the till tell you how much a cauliflower costs?” I asked. I was on a roll now. “In fact, I don't want the packaging. You keep it and you dispose of it,” I concluded.
With that, I stripped off the plastic, left it on the belt and handed Rosa's sister the barcode. Then I emptied out the two avocados from their rigid plastic shells, took the wrapping and box off the asparagus, and even liberated Mrs B's Vietnamese Whirls from their cellophane, cardboard box and plastic container. And then Rosa's sister called Security, and I was chased out of there; my unbought shopping left abandoned and forlorn. Round two: a draw with Waitrose. (From ‘Team Correspondent')
SPORTS QUOTES
“Believe it or not, but there is a physical difference between men and women.” (David Duffield, Eurosport)
“Garzelli gets a twelve seconds bonification here at the finish line in Bergamo.” (Sean Kelly, Eurosport)
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th
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