HUMOUR
Superman - superhero or bad guy? The definition of ambiguity? Thai terrorists in london? Some of the gems in this month’s Cocky’s...
WORDS OF WISDOM
a) It’s always darkest before dawn, so if you are going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, then that’s the time to do it.
b) No one is listening until you fart.
c) It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
d) If you think that nobody cares if you are alive; try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
e) Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
f) If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
g) If you lend someone 1,000 baht and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
h) If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
i) Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time you try it.
j) Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
k) Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
l) There are two theories to arguing with women. Unfortunately, neither one works.
m) Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is working.
n) Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where is the self-help section, please?” She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all’?
What can you do when see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock toilets at night in gas stations? Are they afraid that someone will come along and clean them?
If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a policeman arrests a mime artist, does he tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
Remind me: Exactly WHAT was the best thing before sliced bread?
One good thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people behind their backs.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have an ‘s’ in it?
How important do you have to be before you can be ‘assassinated’ instead of ‘murdered’?
A NEW STD FOUND
THE CENTRE for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behaviour. This particular strain is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced ‘Gonna re-elect him.’ Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.
Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders; delusions of grandeur with Messianic overtones; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to absorb or incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia and paranoia; inability to accept responsibility for one’s own actions; cowardice masked by misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history and geopolitical realities; tendencies towards evangelical theocracy; categorical all-or-nothing behaviour.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
SCRABBLE TIME
SOMEONE out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. Here are some examples of anagrams:
Dormitory – Dirty room
Presbyterian – Best in prayer
Astronomer – Moon starer
Desperation – A rope ends it
The eyes – They see
George Bush – He bugs Gore
The Morse code – Here come dots
Slot Machines – Cash lost in me
Animosity – Is no amity
Election results – Lies; let’s recount
Snooze alarms – Alas no more Z’s
A decimal point – I’m a dot in place
The earthquakes – That queer shake
Eleven plus two – Twelve plus one
And, for the grand finale:
Mother-in-law – Woman Hitler
HIGH JINKS
SEVERAL friends were relaxing with drinks on a roof patio in New York City several hundred feet off the ground. One of the men said casually, “You know, there is such a strong air current here that if you jump off this roof right at this point there, you will only drop only three floors before being blown into the front window of room 726 fifty feet below. That particular window is always open because the apartment is empty. I do it every time I get bored. Man, its great fun. You drop down and then WHOOSH – you fly right into room seven twenty-six. From there you open the front door of the apartment, walk out and ride the elevator right back up here to the roof.”
The others were intrigued. “Why don’t you demonstrate?” said one. “Let’s see you drop off the roof and then fly right into that room three floors below.”
“Okay” said the first man. Without hesitation, he strolled to the wall, stood on top of it for a second, and then jumped off. The others watched in fascination as he dropped like a stone, and then suddenly jerked sideways as he was blown into an open window below. A minute later he walked out of the elevator to join his companions on the roof top patio. He received a round of applause.
“Nothing to it”, he said to them. “Why don’t one of you try it?”
Thus encouraged, one man ran to the exact point on the roof wall, crouched on top and then plunged off. The others watched in amazement as he fell with increasing speed all the way to the ground, finally crashing on top of a parked car, his body completely broken. The man was very clearly dead.
One watcher shook his head ruefully. “You can be a real bastard when you get a few drinks inside you, Clark Kent,” he said.
SPORTS QUOTES
“If the young Briton Rick Barnhill can pull this one off against Cago Drago from Holland, he’ll really have a scalp in his cap.” (Jim Rosenthal, Sky Sports)
“Stephen Hendry Jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.” (Mike Hallett, BBC)
“Ballesteros feels much better today after getting a 69 yesterday.” (Steve Ryder, BBC)
“Julien Absalon of France is showing a clean pair of heels to the entire field; except for the man on his shoulders.” (David Harmon, Eurosport)
“Mark Cavendish is very good on the flat mountain stages.” (Paul Sherwen, Eurosport)
RELATIONS – DON’T yOU JUST LOVE ‘EM?
AT THE age of 47, the bassist of the Rolling Stones, Bill Wyman, began a relationship with 13-year-old Mandy Smith, with her mother’s blessing. Six years later, they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year. Not long after that, Bill’s 30-year-old son Stephen married Mandy’s mother, aged 46. That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother. If Bill and Mandy had remained married, Stephen would have been his father’s father-in-law and his own grandfather. Confused? Yes, same here.
Red Hot Chili Peppers
in London
Super spicy chili sauce sparked road closures and evacuations in central London after passers-by complained that a chemical emanating from a Thai restaurant was burning their throats. Fears of a chemical weapon attack caused panic in London’s night life district.
Reports of a strong smell wafting from a restaurant in the heart bustling Soho last month prompted the London Fire Brigade to send a chemical response team, a Metropolitan Police spokesman said.
Firefighters closed off roads, sealed buildings and donned special breathing masks to ferret out the source of the acrid smell as onlookers coughed, and the world looked on fearing the worst.
Smashing down the door of the suspected source the Thai Cottage restaurant they seized the culprit: extra-hot prik ee noo chilies that had been left dry-frying.
They were being prepared for a batch of ``nam prik pao,’’ a spicy Thai sauce, restaurant owner Sue Wasboonma said.
``The smoke didn’t go up into the sky because of the rain and the heavy air,’’ she told reporters. ``It’s the hottest thing we make.’’
No one was arrested, the police spokesman said, declining to give his name in line with force policy. ``As far as I’m aware, it’s not a criminal offense to cook very strong chili.’’
MOVIE QUOTES
“My wife does not lament my absences. That makes her either the best of wives, or the very, very worst.” (Guy de Lucien/Marton Csokas; ‘Kingdom of Heaven’, 2005)
“You’re going to love this war, Russell. It’s got good guys, bad guys, and cheap shrimp.” (Claire Stryder/Joanna Cassidy to Russell Price/Nick Nolte; ‘Under Fire’, 1985)
“Tell them that in this country we don’t come to a business deal carrying automatic weapons. They don’t add inches to your dick. In this country they just get you a life sentence.” (Jack Nicholson as Frank Costello in ‘The Departed’ 2006)
MEDIA QUOTES
“What was O J Simpson doing in Las Vegas anyway? I thought he was busy poking around in the bushes on golf courses in Florida looking for the nasty men who killed his ex-wife, Nicole Brown-Simpson back in June 1994.” (Mark Fuhrman, Fox News).
What did Henry Fonda say when he was accused of neglecting his family in pursuit of his Hollywood movie career? He said, “Fonda makes the heart grow absent.”
PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN WRITING ABOUT THE SEA
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly aged 6)
Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James aged 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don’t have sea all around you, then you are incontinent. (Wayne aged 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie aged 6)
A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy aged 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie aged 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off using beans. (William aged 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. But how do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen aged 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting, and electric eels can give you a shock. They live in caves under the sea where they plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher aged 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy go small. (Kevin aged 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they go down on each other. (Becky aged 8)
On holiday my mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t go again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie aged 7)
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th
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