HUMOUR

An (almost) politically correct but certainly mixed bag this month, ranging from sweet revenge to golf to elephants and beyond; merry Christmas from Cocky’s column!

SMELLY REVENGE
This is a cautionary tale. A recently divorced wife spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When her husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were posted everywhere.  Nothing worked.
Exterminators were hired to set off gas canisters, during which time they had to move out for a few days, and they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Again, nothing worked.  In fact, the smell just got worse.
Finally, the decided they could not take the horrible stench any longer and decided to move. But a month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinking house. Word spread and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.
Eventually they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife then called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened sympathetically and then said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting her house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea just how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only on condition that she sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers had delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And, just to spite the ex-wife, they even removed the curtain rods.  
GOLFING
TERMINOLOGY
An ‘Adolf Hitler’: taking two shots in a bunker
An ‘Arthur Scargill’: a great strike but a poor result
A ‘Rodney King’: over-clubbed
An ‘O J Simpson’: somehow got away with it
A ‘Sally Gunnell’: it’s ugly but it’s still running
A ‘Kate Moss’: thinned it
An ‘IRA shot’: hitting a provisional
A ‘Diego Maradonna’: nasty five footer
A ‘Salman Rushdie’: an impossible read
A ‘Rock Hudson’: thought it was straight, but it wasn’t
A ‘Ladyboy’: looks easy but may not be what it appears to be
A ‘Does your husband play?’: when a man hits a short tee shot
A ‘Cuban’: needs one more revolution
A ‘Glen Miller’: kept low and didn’t make it over the water
A ‘Princess Grace’: should have taken a driver
A ‘Princess Diana’: shouldn’t have taken a driver
A ‘Robin Cook’: just died on the hill
A ‘Michael Jackson’: gradually fading
An ‘Anna Kournikova’: looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A ‘Vinnie Jones’: nasty kick when you’re not expecting it
A ‘Tony Blair’: too much spin
A ‘Bin Laden’: driven out hard and never found again
A ‘Jamie Oliver’: You really want to smack it but you know that you can’t
ELEPHANT MEMORY
A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with its right front leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so the man approached it very carefully; getting down on one knee and inspecting the creature’s foot. He soon found that there was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully as he could the man worked the thorn out with his hunting knife. The elephant then gingerly put down its foot. The large creature then turned to face the man and stared at him. For a good two minutes the man stood there frozen; thinking that he was about to be trampled.
  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, then turned and walked away. The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through his local zoo with his young son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the big creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its’ front right foot off the ground, then put it down. The creature did that several times, all the while staring at the man.
The man couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant that he had helped twenty years before. After a while it trumpeted loudly, and then continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the bull elephant and stared back in wonder up into its small but intelligent eyes.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
THE CATHOLIC DAUGHTER
An Irish Catholic daughter had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cussed her out, saying, “Where have you been all this time, you ingrate? Why didn’t you write to us? You didn’t even drop us a line to know where you were and what you were doing! Why didn’t you call, you little tramp? Don’t you know how much misery and worry you have put your poor dear mother to?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff...dad...I became a prostitute...”
Her father was appalled. “What! Get out of here, you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to the family!  I don’t want to see you ever again, you whore!”
The daughter replied, “Okay, dad, just as you wish. But I just came here to give mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 2 million dollars. For my little brother, I bought this gold Rolex watch, and for you daddy, I bought the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a lifetime membership in the local Country Club. There’s also an invitation for you to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera....and, now what was it you said that I had become – a prostitute?”
The chastened father was now suddenly apologetic. “Oh! B’Jesus, girl! You scared me half to death! I thought that you said ‘Protestant’!  Come over here and give your old man a hug!”
BILL COSBY SPEAKS OUT!
“They’re standing on the corner and they can’t speak English. I can’t even talk the way these people talk. ‘Why you ain’t? Where you is? What he drive? Where he stay? Where he work? Who you be?’ I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk.
“Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t be a doctor with that kind of rubbish coming out of your mouth. In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living. Black people marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education in the 1960’s, and now we’ve got these knuckleheads walking around.
“The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for their kids: $500 sneakers for what? And they won’t spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics. I am talking about these parents who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was two? Where were you when he was twelve? Where were you when he was eighteen and how come you didn’t know that he had a pistol? And where is his father?  Or who is his father?
  “People are putting their clothes on backward: isn’t that a sign of something gone wrong? People with their baseball hats on backwards; pants down around the crack; isn’t that a sign of something?  Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up?
“Isn’t it a sign of something gone wrong when she has her dress all the way up and has got all types of needles (piercing) going through her body? What part of Africa did this come from?
“We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a thing about Africa. With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that junk, and all of them are in jail. Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person’s problem.
“We have got to take the neighbourhood back. People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children by eight different ‘husbands’, or men, or whatever they call them now. We have millionaire footballers who cannot read. We have million-dollar basketball players who can’t write two paragraphs of readable text.
“We, as black folks, have to do a better job. We have to start holding each other to a better standard. We cannot blame the white people any longer.” (Comedian and actor Dr William Henry ‘Bill’ Cosby talking live on TV)
SPORTS QUOTE
“Burgos is a lovely little town here in northern Spain. In fact it’s a city.” (David Duffield, Eurosport)
MANDELA’S DILEMMA
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and enjoying a beer when he hears a knock at his front door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a small Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, “You sign! You sign!” Behind the man is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson stands there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man yells out again, “You sign! You sign!”
Nelson says to him, “Look mister, you have obviously got the wrong man!”, and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at his front door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back again with a huge truck of brake pads parked behind him. He thrusts his clipboard under Mandela’s nose, yelling, “You sign! You sign!”
Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the man away, shouting “Look, go away! You’ve got the wrong man here! I don’t want your damned brake pads, okay?”
  The following day, as Nelson is taking a nap in the afternoon, he hears a familiar knock on his front door again. On opening the door, he sees the same Chinese man, thrusting a clipboard under his nose, and yelling, “You sign! You sign!” Behind the man are two very large trucks full of car spare parts.
This time Nelson loses his cool completely. He picks up the Chinese man by his shirt front, and yells back at him, “Look, I don’t want these things! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name down there. Who do you want to deliver these damn things to anyway?”
The Chinese man now looks puzzled and totally confused. He consults his clipboard carefully, and asks, (wait for it).....”You not Nissan Main Deala?”

 

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