HUMOUR
PET SHOP CONVERSATION
A pretty little girl walks into a pet shopand asks, with the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, “Excutheme, mithter, do you have widdlewabbits?”As the shop keeper’s heart begins tomelt, he gets down on his knees so thathis head is level with hers, and asks,“Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit; ormaybe a tiny widdle bwown wabbit?” The girl blushes, rocks back on her heels; puts her hands on her knees, then leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t think that Satan, my pet
python, weally gives a thit.”
THE SUBMARINE THAT
SANK A TRAIN
It’s true. It actually happened: anAmerican submarine, the USS Barb, destroyed a train. Her commander was the oddly named Eugene ‘Lucky’ Fluckey and the incident took place on 23 July 1945 in Patience Bay, off the coast of Karafuto, Japan. Since 8
June Fluckey and his men had beenharassing the enemy, destroying supplies and coastal fortifications with the first submarine-launched rocket attacks in history. Then the captain
noted a railway line that ran along the coast on a map of the area, and soon afterwards his crew was buzzingexcitedly about ‘bagging’ a train.The rail line itself would not be a
problem. A patrol could go ashore under cover of darkness and plant explosives – one of the sub’s 55lb scuttling charges. But Fluckey and his officers were trying to work out a plan to blow not only the rails, but also one of the frequent trains that shuttled
supplies along the coast, and thus handicap the Japanese war effort for a week or more. The Barb’s problem was how to detonate the charge the moment the train passed without
endangering the lives of a shore party. Suddenly at 11.27am on 19 July it was‘Battle Stations!’ as a Japanese freighter with a frigate escort called for action. By noon the frigate had been torpedoed and the freighter sunk; which drew enemy aircraft to the area, causing the Barb to dive deep to avoid air-launched depth charges.It was while they were cruising beneath the waves that Lieutenant Billy Hatfield had an amazing idea: why not let the train blow itself up? He explained how he had cracked walnuts on rail tracks as
a child; placing the nuts between two tyres underground so the sagging of the rail under the weight of the train broke them open. “Just like cracking walnuts”, he explained. “To complete the circuit and detonate the 55lb charge, we just hook in a micro-switch between two tyres buried under the railway line. That way, we don’t set off the charge – the train does.” Eight volunteers were selected from the entire crew (who all wanted in on
the mission), and four days later they were ready. As the saboteurs anxiously watched the skies for cloud cover, the inventive crew of the Barb had built their micro switch. Engineers had also made shovels from steel flats in the engine room so the charge could be buried. By midnight on 22 July, the sub crept within 950 yards of the shoreline in Patience Bay. If they were seen from the shore the boat would hopefully be mistaken for a schooner of Japanese patrol boat: no one would suspect an American submarine so close to shore in such shallow water. Small boats were lowered into the water and the eight saboteurs paddled to the enemy beach. Minutes later they grounded the boats and walked on Japanese soil. Having lost their points of navigation, the men landed near the
backyard of a house, but fortunately for them the residents did not have guard dogs there. Pushing through waist-high grass, crossing a highway and then stumbling into a 4-foot ditch, 13 the submariners made their way to the railroad track. To their horror, they found that a lookout tower above them was occupied. But the sentry on duty was sleeping peacefully, allowing them to move further down the rail line to do their deadly work.As the men dug into the earth below the rail track to place the charge, an express train suddenly bore down on them. Swiftly, they threw themselves into the bushes as it rushed past. Twenty minutes later the holes had been dug and the explosives and batteries hidden beneath fresh soil. Hatfield then made the final connections between the switch, detonator and scuttling charge and another man signalled the Barb by torch (which was only 600 yards from shore in just 6 feet of seawater) that all was set. It was now 1.32am. By 1.45am as the boats carrying the saboteurs were still making their way back to the Barb, a sentry aboard shouted, “Captain! Another train coming up the tracks!” Fluckey grabbed
a megaphone and yelled to his men, “Paddle like hell, boys!” knowing that they would not be aboard before the train hit the primed charge.At 1.47am the darkness was shattered
by brilliant light and the roar of an explosion. The boilers of the locomotive blew, hurling pieces of the engine high into the night sky. Behind it the rail cars began to accordion
into each other, bursting into flame and adding to the dramatic scene.Three minutes later the saboteurs were lifted to the deck by their exuberant comrades as the Barb backed away slowly into deeper waters, travelling at just two knots. Fluckey’s voice came over the intercom. “All hands below decks not needed to manoeuvre the ship have permission
to come topside.” He didn’t need to repeat the invitation: hatches sprang open as the crew of the Barb gathered on her decks to watch the now distant fireworks display on shore.
On 2 August 1945 the USS Barb arrived at Midway, her 12th patrol concluded. On her conning tower, alongside icons of ships that she had sunk was the image of a locomotive train. In May 1973 a submarine named ‘Enrique Tazzoli’ was sold for $100,000 as scrap metal. She had been given to the Italian Navy by the US Government in 1953 but this vessel had proudly seen better times: she had once been the USS Barb, the sub that sank a
train. (My thanks to Paul DeCeglie for this fascinating war story).
SECOND OPINION
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the resulting pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and then depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for. But he had no choice but to
go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt that he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a
new beginning and start a new life. He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need – a new suit.” He entered the shop and told thesalesman,“I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him carefully and said, “Let’s see...size 44 long.” Joe laughed. “That right, but how did you know?” he asked. “Been in the business for sixty years.”
answered the tailor. Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the nearest mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt, sir?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure. Why not? Let’s go for it.” The salesman eyed Joe carefully again and said, “Let’s see. Thirty-four sleeves and a sixteen and one half neck.” Joe was amazed again. “That’s exactlyright. How did you know?” The tailor smiled. “Been in the business for sixty years, sir.” Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked around the shop looking at himself from different angles in various mirrors until the
salesman asked, “How about some new underwear, sir?”Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman looked at Joe carefully again and said, “Let’s see...size thirty
six.” Joe laughed. “Ah ha! I got you this time. I’ve worn a size thirty four since I
was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache.”
MANCHESTER’S NEW
MUSLIM STAR
Sir Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi player and is suitably
impressed. He finalises a deal and arranges for the lad to come over to Manchester, England. Two weeks later despondent Manchester United players at Anfield find themselves 3-0 down against Liverpool FC with only 20 minutes of play left in a crucial
league game. Ferguson gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and onto the field he goes. The 20-year-old is a sensation, scoring four goals in 19 minutes and 42 seconds as the Man U supporters go wild. The boy is the hero of the hour. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic and the media love the new Muslim star. The boy then
telephones his mother to tell her about his first day in English Football (that’s
Soccer to you Americans). “Hi mum; I played for twenty minutes today. We were three-nil down on Liverpool, but I scored four goals for Man. U and we won the game! Now everybody here loves me: my boss Sir Alex, the fans, the media, my fellow players, they all love me!” “That’s wonderful, Ali,” says his mother. “Now let me tell you about my day.Your father was shot in the street and then robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang-raped and then beaten. Meantime, your younger brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time, being successful and loved by all around you.” Ali is suitably upset. “What can I say, mum?” He says. “I’m really sorry.” “Sorry? Sorry?!!” replies his mother. “What good is sorry? It’s your bloody fault that we moved to Manchester in the first place!!
PIZZA FOR THE BOYS
Just before Easter, Jesus walks into the local bar where he and his disciples hang out. His pals are gathered around a table, excitedly eating a large panfried pizza with lashings of cheese and salami topping. “What’s this?” says Jesus. “It’s called pizza,” says Saint Peter, “Try some; it’s really delicious.” Jesus bites into a slice of the unfamiliar food, and says, “Hmm, this is really good. Where did you guys get this?” “Judas Iscariot treated us”, replies Peter. “It seems that he’s just been given a good payoff for passing on some
information to the Pharisees.”
SATM INSTRUCTIONS
A new sign in the bank lobby reads: ‘Please note that this bank has installed new drive-through Automatic Telling Machines (ATMs) enabling driving customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.’
MALE PROCEDURE:
1) Drive up to cash machine.
2) Put down your car window nearest to the ATM
3) Insert card into the slot and enter your PIN
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw it
5) Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6) Put window up and drive away.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1) Drive up to cash machine
2) Reverse and back up the required amount to align the car window with the ATM
3) Set parking brake, and put window down
4) Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate cash card
5) Tell person you are talking to on cell phone that you will call them back and end the call
6) Attempt to insert card into the machine
7) Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
8) Insert card
9) Re-insert card the right way
10) Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on the inside back page
11) Enter PIN
12) Press ‘cancel’ and re-enter correct PIN
13) Enter amount of cash required
14) Check makeup in rear view mirror
15) Retrieve cash and receipt
16) Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside it
17) Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook
18) Re-check makeup in rear view mirror
19) Drive forward two feet
20) Reverse back to ATM
21) Retrieve card
22) Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided
23) Give dirty look to irate male driver honking his horn impatiently behind you
24) Re-start stalled engine and pull out
25) Redial person on cell phone and resume conversation
26) Drive for up to 5 kilometres
27) Release parking brake
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