SPORTS
Hua Hin Hash House Harriers
Christmas Crackers The 112th run of the Hua Hin Hash House Harriers erupted from the banks of the Don Juan Pond, just off the Chomphol Road on 22nd December 2007. The Hares were Long Ron and Ballbanger and it appears that they laid one trail each and co operated on a third. A multiplicity of pedestrians emanated from the area at various velocities and proceeded to choose from the available options of tarmac road, dirt track, or grassy trail. The super speedsters took off along the grassy trail, the wary walkers tackled the tarmac, and the don’t knows took the turd way, or, more politely, the dirt track. For the walkers the tarmac was short lived and they were soon shepherded across the Chomphol Road and into the welcoming and enveloping embrace of the woodland there. As they proceeded along the prickly pathways,vying with vegetation, progress was
punctuated by profane imprecations against pro-active plant life. Mary Can-Can in particular was heard to comment adversely about the arbitrary attentions of arboreal attachments. After a while they passed into more open woodland where everything took on a more pleasant outlook and the familiar waters of the Same Dam Place hove into view. Scenic as it was this aquatic aspect was also the forerunner of some soggy underfoot conditions and some puddly places that necessitated a leg stretching
leap to traverse dry shod. There must have been some devotees of National Hunt Racing in the pack because snatches of conversation were heard pertaining to
“longing for a jump” or something like that. By this time unspeakable things were beginning to occur. Despite the immense curvature of their early trail the runners were starting to infiltrate from the rear in their usual insidious fashion. First to appear and disappear in dose of salts style was Onefer, at an enviable rate of acceleration and in a disgustingly healthy and unruffled condition. Piste Again was sticking to the trail decorously and decoratively when she became aware of heavy breathing behind her and knew instinctively that she was about to become the beneficiary of a Christmas Stalking so she stepped to the side of the trail to await a date worse than fresh. Alas all that happened was that she was passed by Sparky and Mudman panting in unison as if they were auditioning to be obscene phone callers. And so as the walkers and runners intermingled in the final stages, a reasonably tight-knit pack of Hashers meandered back to base. Among the stragglers was the illustrious Slackbladder who had prostrated himself on the trail in thanksgiving that it was his last Hash of the year, unfortunately he did it overenthusiastically and incurred injuries to his ribs and chest. Back at the start line the usual beer drinking excesses were being initiated and then once we had ensured that the full set had been re-assembled Mother Chick and her helpers unveiled a panoply of provender including a myriad of mini-drumsticks and other conversation stoppers. The hungry Hashers fell upon the feast and the whole scene became more reminiscent of another Christian fable, especially given the lakeside venue. When the chomping had subsided somewhat, Slackbladder introduced his special guest star, Santa Claus, who was given a seat but not a drink by Ballbanger. Slinging his bulging sack wearily from his shoulder Santa gratefully accepted the seat and mournfully lamented the absence of a drink. Slackbladder then took charge of the proceedings and by dint of physical abuse and sensory deprivation induced Santa to part with the presents from his sack. (Scotch Santa is the ultimate oxymoron). First handouts were flashing Santa hats for the Hares Long Ron and Ballbanger - Slackbladder said this was to help them find a better way! Next prizes out were for Onefer and Miserable Dave Young Conservative and looked like the bionically brief business end of a bikini. They were indeed ladies’ nether garments and Slackbladder insisted the recipients wear them on their heads. As he said he likes a “thong in the ‘air” at Christmas. Ladies’ presents were next on the agenda and this was more in line with Santa’s concept of a job spec. Sat there with Ice Pussy on one knee and Cums First on the other he wouldn’t have called the Queen his Auntie. The ladies’ gifts were packets of johnnies that went down like toy balloons. Hollow Legs sent Cums First back to complain that they were too small and Santa had to explain that the next bigger size was in use at the local airfield. Deep Throat was next to descend on Santa’s lap to
receive a magnificent set of illuminated antlers that fitted her perfectly. Wearing this celestial caberfeidh and sporting a red nose provided by Slackbladder, Deep Throat led the riotous assembly in a spirited rendition of “Rudolph the red-nosed Reindeer” with various improvisations of an obscene or indecorous nature. The indefatigable Slackbladder carried on imbibing Leo for medicinal purposes to dull the pain from injuries sustained as earlier explained, while he organised games and forfeits and cajoled Santa into continuing to distribute largesse until, alas and alack, the cupboard was bare and Santa Paws as he was now referred to by the distaff side, was redundant. All the Christmas gifts were accepted with a greater or lesser degree of grace in the spirit of Christmas and disposed of unobtrusively by the recipients with the exception of Dave the Rave. Without even waiting until Boxing Day, as is the norm, DTR exercised the age-old English traditional Christmas rite of returning his gift to be exchanged for another one. Oh well even the happiest of tales needs a little bit of bathos and it doesn’t get any more bathetic than this. After Slackbladder had closed the proceedings, Farmer John who had his arm in a sling following a mishap with his wallet, mugged and unclothed Santa and left him like a fugitive, having been bested by a one-armed bandit.
New Year - New Trail
Hua Hin Hash House Harriers got 2008 off to an auspicious start with Run No. 113 which was held in a most salubrious rural area south-west of Hua Hin and not too far from the Pranburi By-Pass. Brambles Bill and Tiepin were the hares so presumably the locale must be referred to as Tiepin’s trails around Bill’s Backyard. Before we got under way Tiepin exhibited a touch of sartorial splendour in the form of a natty and innovative form of footwear. Plastic bags were worn over his socks and under his boots to prevent burrs, grass seeds, thorns, and other impedimenta from adhering to his socks on the same sort of principle as nicky-tams, and equally effective by all reports. The forming-up area was in the lee of an impressive looking hill with aspirations towards mountainhood and most of this happy band of pilgrims feared the worst in that although Christmas was barely over it looked as if Ascension Day was going to come early. With this pessimistic outlook it was inevitable that the early leaders should start seeking trails on the up and up but the crafty hares had led off along the base of the hill and only introduced an element of altitude when the pack had begun to think this might be a level playing field. Even then the trail only required Runners to head for Heaven while the Walkers veered off at a tangent over some rough and scrubby terrain, which was only mildly undulating. So led by a latter-day Barney Battles in the person of Old MacDonald with his arm in a sling, the sensible section of this squalid shower sashayed serenely through the sylvan setting. As they progressed peacefully and comparatively quietly along the woodland paths their pastoral idyll was shattered by the Galumphers who had fallen back to Earth and resumed to the trail in a loud and raucous manner. Thankfully the Walkers only had to bear this
burden for a little while before Providence and the hares decreed that the Runnersshould have another shot at space and sent them up again. The trail began to display idiosyncrasies in the form of soggy sections in the midst of otherwise arid areas, and underfoot conditions of ploughed field texture with high, hard furrows of ankleturning proportions. By this time the hurry-up brigade were back on level pegging and beginning to enfilade the pack once again. Long Ron and Sparky became pre-eminent despite having arrived late and having to expend massive energies in a catch-up exercise. Our long and winding trail now wriggled its way to a very pleasant end and the invigorated
participants indulged gratefully in beer, crisps, and bullshit as they congratulated each other on surviving yet another Hash. Ballbanger conducted a circle in which
he down-downed the hares, visitors, returnees, and various miscreants. He also down-downed two virgins - one a displaced person from Hong Kong called Neil whose antecedents mercifully remained decently unexposed, and a lady called Rachel Balls who was revealed to be the daughter of the un-revered VeneraBalls. This pristine pillar of pulchritude was only able to survive the postnatal thrombosis of a clot for a father by the happy happenstance of having a saintly mother in the heavenly form of Piste Again. Piste Again, the very words are like a bell inducing nostalgia ad nauseam in Hashers and invoking the words of the Bard - “’Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished”. Ballbanger apologised for his presence in the circle, as well he should, and explained that Miserable Dave Yon Chap was supposed to perform in the circle but was unable to do so because he had fallen off his bike. On the same bike ride was Ballbanger so did MDYC
fall or was he pushed? Having soundly berated Boring English Chump for having the temerity to attend a Hua Hin Hash without the devastating Domestic Violence, Ballbanger closed the circle and let us seek the succour and succulence of Khun Oy’s
Restaurant. Footnote 1: It has been pointed out that Tiepin is in fact a typin’ error and that
the name is really Taipan which sounds synonymous with a bloody good wok in Thailand, which in turn sound synonymous with what Taipan and Brambles Bill so ably provide to H2H3 on this sunny afternoon of 5 January 2008. Footnote 2: The author gratefully acknowledges the influences on this piece of writing of William Shakespeare, Nicholas Montsarrat, and most particularly, Leo. Scotch Tape
Hua Hin Darts
DIVISION 1
TEAM P W D L PF-PA PTS
JW BLACK 9 8 1 0 63-27 17
JUNGLE JUICE 9 6 1 2 61-29 13
CAT 9 6 1 2 55-35 13
JW RED 9 6 0 3 51-39 12
PINK FLAMINGO 9 3 2 4 42-48 8
DICKS OFFICE A 9 2 0 7 30-60 4
BAMBOO GROVE 9 2 0 7 31-59 4
JAEW BAR 9 0 1 8 25-65 1
DIVISION 2
TEAM P W D L PF-PA PTS
MOJOS TRIO 7 7 0 0 54-16 14
BUTTERFLY ROCK 9 6 0 3 55-35 12
LAZY DAZE 7 4 2 1 43-27 10
DICKS OFFICE B 7 3 1 3 39-31 7
GOOD FRIENDS 7 2 1 4 31-39 5
LOVE BAR 8 2 0 6 22-58 4
BAMBOO SHOOTS 3 1 0 2 17-13 2
DÉJÀ VU 6 0 0 6 9-51 0
TOP 10 - DIVISION 1
NAME BAR SGL DBLS TON’S CLSS 180S PTS
STUART JJ 45 42 63 40 0 192
TAO CAT 30 36 45 26 0 137
TAO JWB 30 33 40 25 0 129
NOI CAT 30 30 36 24 0 120
DICKY JWB 35 27 30 27 0 119
GOLF PF 15 33 30 27 1 106
SUPEE JWR 35 30 16 25 0 106
PETER JJ 30 18 25 25 0 98
M JWR 30 24 16 24 0 94
ANNA JWR 15 30 24 21 0 90
TOP 6 - DIVISION 2
NAME BAR SGL DBLS TON’S CLSS 180S PTS
EERO E 30 27 14 25 1 97
HOWARD MJ 25 30 23 25 0 103
EERO E 30 30 14 27 1 102
MARTIN LD 35 15 21 25 0 96
MICK MJ 30 30 13 21 0 94
ANDY GF 30 27 7 21 0 85
FEBRUARY FIXTURES
WEEK 13 – 5TH FEBRUARY 2008
Division 1
Pink Flamingo v Bamboo Grove, JW Red v
Dicks Office A, Jaew v JW Black, Jungle
Juice v CAT
Division 2
Déjà vu v Eero, Love Bar v Mojos Trio,
Bamboo Shoots v Lazy Daze, Dicks Office B
v Good Friends
WEEK 14 – 12TH FEBRUARY 2008
Division 1
Bamboo Grove v Jungle Juice, CAT v Jaew,
JW Black v JW Red, Dicks Office A v Pink
Flamingo
Division 2
Eero v Dicks Office B, Good Friends v
Bamboo Shoots, Lazy Daze v Love Bar,
Mojos Trio v Déjà vu
WEEK 15 – 19TH FEBRUARY 2008
Division 1
Dicks Office A v Bamboo Grove, Pink
Flamingo v JW Black, JW Red v CAT, Jaew
v Jungle Juice
Division 2
Mojos Trio v Eero, Déjà vu v Lazy Daze, Love
Bar v Good Friends, Bamboo Shoots v Dicks
Office B
WEEK 16 – 26TH FEBRUARY 2008
Cup Semi Finals
TM LM Team Total
1 4 The Masters 1256
2 5 Mr ChaAming 1236
3 1 Bamboo Grove 1232
4 7 CargonApinat 1207
5 3 Gusto Creative 1203
6 6 Wanderlust United 1199
7 9 Nightwatch FC 1177
8 2 Chalees Thaitan Army 1153
9 13 Zephyr Valley 1118
10 8 Simply Red 1109
11 12 FC KP.fi 1103
12 10 Eazelocool 1094
13 11 Ligibo FC 1053
14 14 Finlanders 968
15 15 LoNneY 897
16 16 Hatori FC 599
MONGKOL CHILDREN’S SPORTS ACADEMY
With so few facilities for ‘kids’ to enjoy the Mongkol Children’s Sports Academy is being setup. Golf and a 5-a-side football league are planned initially. Children of all ages are invited to join, with evenings being set aside for golf coaching and games followed by ‘supper’ and an evening or weekend afternoon for a soccer league. Again we are hoping for a soccer coach to help out. We anticipate starting this venture towards the
end of January 2008. The venue will be the Mongkol Driving Range which has excellent facilities and a fine teacher to help the golf students, whilst a new soccer pitch for 5-a-side games is close by. There is a fine restaurant that will act as the clubhouse.
The idea is to create a club atmosphere for children of all ages to enjoy, and hopefully we will expand the activities, dependant upon the interest shown. Interested Parents of local children who would like more information please contact in the first instance: Roger Smith, 086-1657528
CURRENT DREAM TEAM
GOALKEEPERS
Green West Ham 102
DEFENDERS
Laursen Aston Villa 122
Ferdinand ManUnited 122
Lescott Everton 116
MIDFIELDERS
Ronaldo ManUnited 149
Fabregas Arsenal 133
Gerrald Liverpool 118
Petrov ManCity 113
FORWARDS
Adebayor Arsenal 122
Tevez ManUnited 120
Berbatov Tottenham 110
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Just join on the website, and to join our league enter the code 129396-29572. See
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