HUMOUR
IGUANAS SMUGGLED IN A FAKE LEG A Californian man has been charged with using his false leg to smuggle three endangered iguanas from a nature reserve in Fiji to the USA. Prosecutors state that Jereme James stole the banded iguanas whilst on a visit to the South Pacific Island in 2002. He is alleged to have constructed a special compartment inside his prosthetic limb to store the reptiles as he travelled through immigration and customs barriers. Officials began investigating Mr James after receiving a tip off that he was in possession of several of the endangered creatures.
The Fiji Island banded Iguana (Brachylophus fasciatus), noted for its bright green skin, is threatened with extinction and protected under an international treaty regulating trade in endangered species. Mr James could get up to three years in prison if convicted. Acting on information, the United States Fish & Wildlife Service launched an undercover investigation into his activities. On one occasion, Mr James
reportedly told an undercover agent that he had sold three banded iguanas for the sum of 32,000 US dollars four years ago. When Mr James home was searched USF&WC agents found four banded iguanas and concluded that he was breeding the animals for sale. “That’s what we believe has been going on”, Assistant US Attorney Joseph O Johns told the Associated Press news agency. “Mother nature has taken her course.” Mr Johns added that the iguanas would now be placed in a breeding programme in the USA. WELL SAID! The French Immigration officer in Paris eyed the elderly American tourist with obvious distaste as the 84-year-old man groped around in his carry-on bag trying to locate his passport. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” he asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France before. “Then you should know enough to always have your passport ready,” rejoined the Frenchman. The American replied, “The last time I arrived in this country, I didn’t have to show it, mister.” The Frenchman was aghast. “Impossible monsieur,” he said “Americans and all foreigners always have to show their passports on arrival in the Republic of France”. The old American gentleman gave the uniformed Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on 6 June 1944 to help liberate this country from the German jackboot, I couldn’t find any Frenchman to show it to......”
UNDERSTAND YOUR MARKET Ali and Mohammed are begging on the New York subway. Ali drives a Mercedes sports car, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of cash to spend. Meantime, Mohammed lives in a cardboard box and only brings in two to three dollars a day. Naturally, Mohammed wants to know how Ali manages to bring home a suitcase of ten-dollar bills every day. Ali says, “Look at your sign. It says, ‘I have no work, a wife and six children to support.’ Now look at mine.” Mohammed then examines Ali’s sign. It reads: ‘I only need another ten dollars to move back to my country.’
FART FOOTBALL An old couple had just clambered into bed for the night. As their heads hit the pillows, the old man farted and said, “Goal! One-Nil.” His wife rolled over and asked, “Whatin the world was that?” The old fellow replied, “It’s fartfootball.” A few minutes later his wife let one go and said, “Goal! One-All.” After another five minutes the old man farted again and said, “Penalty! Two-
One.” Not to be outdone, the wife popped another one two minutes later and said, “Penalty! Two-Two.” Then just seconds later she let out a little tweaker and said, “Free Kick – Goal! Three-Two.” Now the pressure was on the old man. He refused to be beaten by his wife of more than fifty years and strained really hard, but to no avail. Realising that defeat would be totally unacceptable, he gave it everything, made a sloppy plopping sound and crapped the bed. His wife asked, “What the hell was
that?”
The old man thought quickly. Then he said, “Half time! Change sides.”
DOUGHNUT FOR LIFE?A doughnut worth US 58 cents could cost an American man a lifetime in prison. Scott Masters (aged 41) took a doughnut from a store in Farmington, California, reported the ‘St Louis-Post Dispatch’. The checkout attendant who confronted Masters in the car park of the supermarket told police that he offered to give the doughnut back before suddenly giving her ‘a backhanded punch to the chest’ and then legging it. Masters admitted taking the pastry but denied hitting the 54-year-old cashier. “I’ve never done a violent crime in my life,” he said. “And there’s no way that I would have hit a woman over a doughnut. I just can’t believe this crap.” Unfortunately for Masters, the jury agreed to levy a charge of strong-arm robbery. If convicted, his previous offences, including drug possession, shoplifting and insurance fraud, will see him receive a sentence of 30 years to life. That’s the same as a murder conviction, ladies and gentlemen. Masters never even got to enjoy
eating the pastry that may cost him his freedom for possibly the rest of his life. He claims that he threw it to the ground when he fled from the car park.
REALLY BAD HAIR DAY Authorities in China are worried about a fad for recycling used condoms into hair bands for sale at local markets and beauty salons. They could spread the sexually transmittable diseases the condoms were meant to prevent, according to ‘China Daily’. The paper reported that the rubber hair bands had been found on salein local markets and beauty salons in Dongguan and Guangzhou. ‘These cheap and colourful rubber hair ties sell well, threatening the health of local people’, the paper stated. Despite being recycled, the hair bands could still
contain bacteria and viruses. “People could be infected with AIDS, warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands of strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns,” a dermatologist said. Best just refrain from sex. And shave your head.
NEW WORDS FOR 2008
• Salad Dodger: an excellent phrase for an overweight person.
• Swamp-Donkey: A deeply unattractive person.
• Testiculating: waving your arms around and talking bollocks
• Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing just why a deadline was missed on a project and who is to be held responsible.
• Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and then die.
• Sitcoms: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they havechildren and one of them stops working“YOUTH IS WASTED ON
THE YOUNG” (Oscar Wilde) Whilst waiting for a bus, a rather self-important college freshman takes it upon himself to explain several facts to a senior citizen sitting next to him. He claims that it is almost impossible for old fogies to understand his fresh, dynamic generation. “You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student says, loudly enough for the other waiting passengers to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel,
and men walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, the Internet, computers with lightspeed
processing; mobile telephones that can do almost anything, etc.... and
I could go on!” “Right son”, says the senior citizen. “You could go on. But bear in mind that we didn’t have those things when I was your age – so we invented them.”
HUSTLING HERB After winning the 1500 metres at the 1960 Rome Olympics, Australian Herb Elliott faced the usual press conference following the medal ceremony. “How did the race go for you?” asked one ignorant American journalist. “Well”, replied Herb, “I won in world record time; what more do you want from me?” RUSSIAN ROULETTE IN SOMALIA The Ridley Scott movie ‘Black Hawk
Down’ (2002) centres on a nasty firefight between elite American forces and Somali militia in the dusty streets of Mogadishu on 3-4 October 1993. If you want to know just what modern street warfare is like I recommend watching this dramatic and visceral account of a major urban conflict. Early in the film General Garrison (Sam Shepard) makes reference to one Somali agent working for the Americans who “blew his brains out playing Russian roulette in a bar”. This incident is confirmed in Mark
Bowden’s excellent book on the subject where elements of Task Force Ranger and the elite Delta Force went into the city on helicopters and armoured ground vehicles to seize leading members of the ruling Habr Gidr clan led by warlord Mohamed Farrah Aidid. The quick-strike operation was supposed to take half an hour, but when two MH-60 Black Hawk helicopters were shot down by Somalis toting RPG’s the snatch escalated into a major disaster as thousands of armed Somali militia swarmed into the city centre and fought the American troops in a desperate running battle that raged for 15 hours. Two other Black Hawks were disabled and all the ground vehicles badly shot-up. Hundreds of Somalis died along with 19 American soldiers. It seems that this particular macho Somali spy was very drunk and not too bright. Someone should have told him that playing Russian roulette requires using a revolver with a bullet in just one chamber. There is a one-in-six chance of dying from suicide by doing this. Playing the game with an automatic pistol reduces your chances of survival to zero, unless the magazine jams.
CELEBRITY QUOTES “War is too foolish, too fantastic, to be thought of as viable in the twentieth century. Civilisation has climbed above such perils. The interdependence of nations and a sense of public order have rendered such nightmares impossible. But are we quite sure about this? It would be a great pity to be wrong.” (Winston S Churchill, 1874-1965) “Civilisation will not attain to its perfection until the last stone from the last church falls on the last priest.” (Emile Zola, 1840-1902) “When I was a kid, I told everyone I knew that my ambition was to become a famous comedian on television. Everybody laughed. Well, they are not laughing now.” (Bob Monkhouse) “Americans today all worship the US dollar above everything else. And they all worship at the same church: the church of the Automatic Telling Machine (ATM). Now the ATM tells you what you have spent, how much you have got left and it also lets you have cash when you want it, provided that you insert your card in the slot face up and press the buttons in the right sequence. But if you have got less than twenty dollars in there, the machine won’t even talk to you.” (Chris Rock)
MURDER BY NAME In October 1911, three men were hanged for the murder of Sir Edmund Berry at Greenbury Hill. Their names were Green, Berry and Hill.
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th
To stay home with the children or start a ‘home business.’
• Sinbad: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
• Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the hell out of an electronic device to get it working again.
• Going for a McShit: Entering a fastfood restaurant with no intention of buying food; you are just there to use the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to the lad that you will buy their dreadful food afterwards is known as a ‘McShit with Lies.’
• Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French kiss, but given down under.
• Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
• Monkey Bath: A bath so hot that when lowering yourself in, you shout:
Oo! Oo! Oo! Ah! Ah! Ah!”
• Mystery Bus: The mysterious bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night whilst you are in the toilet after your tenth pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so that the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back into the bar area.
• Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a massive snoring ten pinter in your bed beside you.
• Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
• Beer Compass. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there, exactly who you are and where you have come from.
* Breaking the Seal: Your first pee in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every ten of fifteen minutes for the rest of the night.
* Tart Fuel: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women ‘out on the pull’ at weekends.
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