Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

* SCIENTISTS HAVE found that male garter snakes pass themselves off as females in order to survive their emergence from hibernation. It’s said to be one of the cutest tricks in the serpent world. Herpetologists have pondered why these Canadian snakes cluster together in balls, sometimes numbering more than 100 individuals, at the start of spring. Conventional thinking was that these are ‘mating balls’ in which excited males cluster around a fertile female – a serpent gang rape, in effect. But new research has revealed that the female at the heart of the ball is in fact a ‘she male’ – a male passing itself of as a member of the opposite sex. It exudes a strong, female-like scent, which cause amorous males to crowd around it. With this shield of snakes, the fake female, still sleepy and slow after an eight-month hibernation, is kept warm from the chill and is also shielded from crows, the snakes’ biggest predator. This study comes from biologists at Australia’s University of Sydney, and was published in NATURE. Hmm. Males masquerading as females? ‘She-males’? ‘Fake females’? ‘What next? - ‘Lady-boy snakes’?
* FROM IRAN comes an extraordinary tale of survival. A convicted murderer was sentenced to death by the Mullahs, and was duly tied by the neck to a crane, and then hoisted skywards, as decreed by the laws of the land. He swung kicking in the air for some four minutes before members of the family of the person he had killed decided to pardon him – as is their right in the Fundamentalist Muslim state. (Their decision may have been influenced by a large offer of cash from relatives of the murderer). The victim was lowered back to the ground, and the noose removed. Amazingly, the man was still alive. He was revived and rushed off to hospital for further treatment, no doubt supremely grateful for having cheated death. Ironically, the cruel method of slow strangulation saved his life. Under the old British system of execution by hanging the victim usually died almost instantly as his bodyweight broke his neck when the trapdoor under his feet suddenly opened.
* IT’S OFFICIAL: being dirty is good for you. Researchers have found that pongy pits hold a potent secret. Sweat contains a natural antibiotic that may keep out natural skin-dwelling bugs in check. Dermcidin clears the decks of disease-carrying micro-organisims. It sends bacteria such as Escherichia coli and Straphylococus aureus and the yeast Candidia albicans running for cover before killing them. Sweat glands constantly secrete the antibiotic, and excessive washing could remove our natural germicide. Antimicrobial peptides pepper all surfaces of the body that meet the outside such as intestines, mouth and lungs, explains a scientist. Bacterial peptides fight a constant battle, one evolving rapidly to cause infections, the other to thwart them. A square centimetre of greasy skin crawls with hundreds of microbes, says Keith Holland, who studies skin flora at Leeds University, England. Like those in the gut, these bugs play an important role, he thinks, keeping more harmful organisms at bay. Natural antibiotics may be important when we damage our skin, stopping resident bacteria getting inside to cause infection. Sweat’s acidity and our rapidly sloughing skin may also keep surface dwellers under control. So although constant washing may be good for friends, remember that medicated deodorants and skin-washes that kill bugs could upset the skin’s delicate bacterial balance. (Bangkok Post)
* FOR TODAY’S history lesson, we go back to March 1954 at Dien Bien Phu in North Vietnam (then known as Indochine), near the Laotian border. The French garrison there was besieged by communist troops known as the Viet Minh under the legendary General Vo Nguyen Giap. Many of the defenders were not even French as they served in the famous French Foreign Legion. For months, thousands of Vietnamese peasants drafted in as porters were secretly hauling dissembled heavy artillery pieces, anti-aircraft guns and ammunition into the hillsides surrounding the necklace of forts comprising the garrison. As you can imagine, it was backbreaking work. But they persisted, and finally had the re-assembled artillery in place overlooking the French stronghold. At a signal, they then all opened fire in what war historians later called “thunder from the hills”. This barrage heralded the beginning of the end of 98 years of French Colonial rule in Indochina. Startled men ran for cover as artillery and mortar rounds suddenly pounded the forts. Even with air power on their side, the French could not hope to hold out forever.
The French artillery officer, who had assured the garrison commander Colonel De Castries that it would be “logistically impossible” for the Vietnamese to place large guns in the surrounding mountains, approached his leader and said, “Sir, I am completely dishonored.” The colonialists had not reckoned on the ant-like tenacity of their enemy. The broken officer then left the Command Post and walked back to his quarters where he blew himself up by holding a grenade to his chest as he lay in his cot. After 56 days of hellish battle, Dien Bien Phu was finally overrun by the Viet Minh on 7 May 1954. By the autumn of that year, Giap’s troops had entered Hanoi under the cease-fire agreed at the Geneva Convention. What had previously been French Indochina was divided into North and South Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia.
To save cemetery space, the legionaries and French war dead who had fought so valiantly at Dien Bien Phu were buried upright, facing towards France. (For more details of this conflict, I recommend that you read HELL IN A SMALL PLACE, by Bernard Fall).
* CHURCH NOTICES:
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join in.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Support the International Year of the Child. Have a choirboy for Christmas.
The low esteem support group will meet on Thursday at 6pm. Please use the back door.
* BELIEVE IT or not, but the following questions and answers were collated from British GCE (General Certificate of Education) exams for 16 year-olds. Honest, mister!
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, Pepper, Mustard and Vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water there, and nature abhors a vacuum.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with smoking cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section”.
A: A district in Rome, Italy.
Q: What is a “seizure”?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at an airport.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show that you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face (with Mild Green Fairy Liquid).
* ADRIAN HUNT, racing editor of the Daily Telegraph, London, made a giant fropar when Sports Editor David Welch organised a feast for his department recently. Hunt was seen sampling the amber fluids well before the 1.30pm start time; and was soon congratulating the paper’s star columnist, Lord (Sebastian) Coe on his success at the 1980 Moscow Olympics. Unfortunately, in his tired and emotional state, Hunt seemed to think that he was in fact talking to Coe’s old arch-rival Steve Ovett. “It was great when you beat that tosser Coe in the 800 metres”, he declared . “What did you really think of him?” Before an embarrassed Lord Coe could answer, Welch stepped in to lead Hunt towards a mug of black coffee. We understand that a stewards’ inquiry has been launched at Canary Wharf. (Private Eye)
* THE WORLD famous Mrs David Beckham, aka Victoria Adams/Posh Spice of the Spice Girls, recently published her (ghosted) autobiography. At the well-attended press launch, she was asked if she could detect irony in the recounting of her inspirational rags-to-riches story: the Spice Girl adored by millions of female fans who marries a world famous soccer star, also worshipped by millions of female fans. “Wot? Ironie? Is that, err, like Goldie and Bronzie, then?” Cooed Ms. Posh. Yes, dear.
* FROM THE intensely silly movie ARACHNID comes this startling fact: if spiders were all the size of dogs, they would very quickly wipe out mankind. The world would be a mass of interconnecting spiders’ webs to catch animal and bird prey. I guess that this would give new meaning to the terms “Internet bugs” and “world-wide web”.
By David Cocksedge

Who keeps saying those things?
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “My God you dress well!” The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts—they’re complimentary.”

Words Apart

English seems to have become an almost universal language, particularly during the past 20 years or so.But many years earlier it wasn't so well-known in other nations and many were the wonderful mistakes made by natives of these countries when trying to make themselves understood in English. Thanks to Leroy for sending these in:
"Please not to perambulate the corridors in the hosue of sleep in the boots of ascension."
TOKYO: Please not to steel hotel towels. If you are not person to do such things, do not read this notis. You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
YOKOHAMA: Please not more than six bodies in lift. If morethan six, lift may shreek or moan and give up ascent. If such, contact hotel manager as soon as can.
NAGASAKI: If telly vice in your room not perform, do not investigate with screw pusher, you may get shocking electrics. Instead attack hotel electric man.
OSAKA: This lift was first all eviator built by Otis for use in Japan. Very old and curious. Does not always perform sometimes will stop in srong place. If so do, shout in loud voice for hotel porter.
KYUSHU: When enter lift, push nob for wishing floor, if lift do not stop at wishing floor, do not push nob more. Wait till lift stop, then go back to low floor and attempt second time. Cools and heats. If you want just warm conditions in your room then you must control yourself.
PEKING: If no room in lift, do not perform yourself. Resident coolie make lift jump.
Do not burn joss stick in bedroom. Mouses much like. If mouses annoy, ask at desk for hotel cat.
CANTON (Railway) If late for train do not run along platform. Train too fast, no catch.

Features January 2002 73rd Issue

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