Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

* FEMALE BRAZILIAN volleyball players believe they may have found as effective a method as doping for improving performance: breast enhancement. And it's legal. A study by the society for cosmetic surgery suggests that while competitors may not benefit physically, the psychological effects can actually raise the standard of play. Virna Dias, a leading player with the national side, which took a bronze medal at the 2000 Sydney Olympics, and two of her team-mates, Kely Fraga and Leila Barrios, have already had silicone implants and say that they feel more beautiful and self-confident as a result. Dr Kirsten Barnes, a member of the psychology steering group of the British Olympic Association, is not surprised by the research. "There is a lot of evidence that demonstrates that being confident and having a high level of self-esteem improves your performance", she says. "I can see that having implants can increase individuals' self-esteem and self-worth. When athletes are happy, their level and quality of performance goes up. Having just one individual who is feeling good about herself can inspire others, and raise the standard of a team."
Reminds me of the East German (GDR) Sports Doctors who experimented with some of their female swimmers and track athletes when they discovered that pregnancy has a natural anabolic effect. The experiments ceased when the women experienced severe depression after being forced to have abortions. Apparently the psychological after-effects cancelled out the physical ones. Predictable, really, when you think about it.
* AMONG MANY great British sportsmen of the 19th century, Captain Robert Barclay Allardice stands out. His most celebrated achievement was to walk 1,000 miles in 1,000 successive hours, completing one mile every hour (over 41 days) on Newmarket Heath in 1809. For this he won 1,000 guineas, which is around ?400,000 (25.2 million baht) in today's money. A real English sporting "toff", Barclay was also a proficient boxer and a fine middle distance runner. When Lord Panmure invited him to dinner at Brechin Castle in Scotland, Barclay, then aged 65, sent his manservant ahead by coach with his dress clothes whilst he ran the 25 miles to Brechin Castle. After dining with his host, he then ran back home the next day. When he was over 70 years old, Barclay had a 12 stone man stand on his hand, which he had placed palm up on the floor. He then lifted the man up and placed him on a table. He also coached Tom Cribb in his celebrated boxing success over Tom Molineaux. Captain Barclay combined all this with armed combat against Napoleonic France and although he lived frugally, he gambled and socialised excessively. On the down side, Barclay was an avowed misogynist with a violent temper. For Barclay and his Georgian contemporaries, sport was principally about betting. He was also a leading figure in The Fancy, a self-appointed group of aristocrats who often arranged illegal sporting events, such as savage bare-knuckle pugilistic bouts that sometimes ended in the death of one of the contestants.
Professor Peter Radford, Olympic 100 metres bronze medallist at Rome in 1960, has recently published a fascinating book on the life and times of this eccentric aristocrat. THE CELEBRATED CAPTAIN BARCLAY is a recommended read.
* THE ONLY person in history to successfully subdue all the warring factions in Afghanistan was Alexander the Great. Much of modern Afghanistan was then known as Bactria, and he married the fiery princess Roxana in 327 BC to cement relations between Macedonia and Bactria, and to prove that the latter country was not just a captured possession of his vast empire. If the current aim is to achieve peace in Afghanistan, the coalition forces have a tough task ahead of them in what has been known as "bandit country" for centuries. An American TV journalist described it as "Mad Max meets Genghis Khan",
* IT WAS the custom in ancient Rome for a man to place his right hand on his testicles when taking an oath. The modern word 'testimony' is derived from this old custom. As Michael Caine would say, "Not a lot of people know that!"
* DID YOU know that in Iran, women are allowed to marry at the tender age of nine? Parents in the Islamic State, of course, arrange all such child marriages.
* OPIUM WAS widely used as a painkiller during the American Civil War. As a result, over 100,000 soldiers had become drug addicts by the end of the conflict in 1865.
* AT FULL speed, a puma can leap a distance of about 60 feet. Oddly enough, that is the exact distance of the world Triple Jump record (18.29 metres/60ft -1/4in); set by Jonathan Edwards of Britain at Gothenburg, Sweden in 1995. And Edwards was sponsored by the sports clothing company Puma.
* DURING HIS reign, King James II of England had constant battles with the Duke of Monmouth, who believed that he was the rightful heir to the throne. Eventually, in 1685, James captured the Duke and had him beheaded. As the body was about to be buried, however, someone pointed out that the Duke had never had his portrait painted. Believe it or not, but Monmouth's head was sewn back onto his body which was then placed in a chair whilst an artist painted his likeness. The picture still hangs in the National Portrait Gallery in London.

Play On Words?

In 1868 a Roman acrostic was found in excavations of a Roman villa at Corinium Dobunnorum (Cirencester):

SATOR
AREPO
TENET
OPERA
ROTAS

It can be read from left to right or from right to left (or even upwards and downwards). It is a mixture of an acrostic, a word square, and a palindrome.

ROTAS
OPERA
TENET
AREPO
SATOR

It translates: “The sower, Arepo, guides the wheels with care.”

Odd Balls

A Good Pun Is It's Own Reword

IT Helpdesk

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to “Girlfriend 1.0” from “Drinking Mates 4.2” which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run “Girlfriend 1.0” with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, “Girlfriend 1.0” is also incompatible with several other applications, such as “Lads Night Out 3.1”, “Football 2.0” and “Playboy 6.1”. Successive versions of “Girlfriend” proved no better. A shareware beta-program, “Party Girl 2.1” which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run “Girlfriend 1.2” and “Girlfriend 1.0” at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to “Fiancee 1.0” only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at considerable cost) to “Wife 1.0”, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst “Wife 1.0” tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with “Free Sex Plus” and Cleanhouse 2000". Shortly after this upgrade however, I then discovered that “Wife 1.0” can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in “Wife 1.0” memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. “Wife 1.0” also has an automatic “Diary Explorer” and “E-mail Porn Filter”, and can without warning, launch into “Photostrop” and “Whingezip”!!!! These later products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that “Wife 1.0” needs updating regularly, requiring “Shoe Shop Browser” for new attachments and also “Hairstyle Express”, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. “Wife 1.0” also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.
When “Wife 1.0” attaches itself to my “Audi TT” program it often crashes or runs the system dry. “Wife 1.0” also has a rather annoying pop-up called “Mother-in-Law”, which can’t be turned off. Recently I attempted to try “Mistress 2000”, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if “Wife 1.0” detects the “Mistress 2000” it tends to delete all my “MS Money” files before uninstalling itself.

Any Ideas?
Martin Young

WORDS APART

Cont. from last month - English seems to have become an almost universal language, particularly during the past 20 years or so. But many years earlier it wasn’t so well-known in other nations and many were the wonderful mistakes made by natives of these countries when trying to make themselves understood in English. Thanks to Leroy for sending these in:
SHANGHAI: Please not to dive in hotel swim pond. Bottom of pond very hard, and not far from top of water. Please not to crack skull on bottom of pond. If do so, alarm hotel manager at once.
ZURICH: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in bedrooms, it is suggested the lobby be used for this. Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
ZABREB: The flattening of underware with pleasure is the job of chambermaid.

VIENNA: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of nine and 11am daily.
ROME (Dry cleaners): Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the day having a good time.
PARIS: Dresses for street walking. Please leave all your values at the front desk.
LEIPZIG: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only if lit up.
DRESDEN: All food our own make. Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in shape of finger. Roast duck let loose. Rashers beaten up in country people style.
BUDAPEST: Forbidden to hang out of hotel window. Person which do so will be charge for clean up mess on footpath. (Zoo notice): Do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food git it to the guard on duty.

COPENHAGEN (airport): We take your baggages and send them in all directions.
FRANCE: (on train): Do not push yourself out of the window.
CHINA (On a train): In carriage of eating do not sit on floor with legs crossed, as in house. Sit on chair and eat from table. Servant girl bring tea and uneatables.
HONG KONG: (Restaurant menu): Fine roast pussy or rabbi with stir fry, cook in wok $2. Passable scrawny chicken with stir fry $1.50. Green tea per cup, 20c, Brown tea 20c extra. Bring own chopsticks.
JAPAN (Car hire firm): When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Tootle him gently at first, but if he still obstacle your passage tootle him with vigour. Do not knock him down. You could be fined 1,000 yen.
PRAGUE (Notice in tramcars): Do not expect on floor. Is forbidden to ride on steppes. Do not make speech with man makes tram go. Person without ticket will be persecuted.

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