Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

* WHILST DOING some research recently, I was struck by the parallels between Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jean Baker) and Diana Spencer, Princess of Wales. For a start, though their lives overlapped, they had almost identical life spans. Ms Monroe was found dead in her Los Angeles home on 5 August 1962, having lived for 36 years and 64 days. Diana died in a car crash in Paris on 31 August 1997, having lasted 36 years, 62 days on this earth. So, to the inevitable quiz question – which one of them lived longer (?) the correct answer is - Ms. Monroe, by just two days. One was a movie star; the other married a prince. Both became world famous as glamorous icons; sex goddesses who were somehow tragically doomed whilst being adored by millions. Both were born on the first day of a month – Monroe on 1 June 1926; Diana on 1 July 1961. Both died in August. Scenes of mass public hysteria greeted the funerals of both women. But whilst Monroe was the illegitimate (and unwanted) daughter of a mentally unstable working-class woman; Diana was born into a rich and supportive family of English aristocrats, and then married royalty. A second version of Bernie Taupin’s moving 1970 tribute to Monroe, ‘Candle in the wind’, was written after Diana’s death, and was also sung by Elton John, in tribute to Diana at her funeral. This was re-titled as ‘Farewell English Rose’. (I must say that I greatly prefer the original version). Here is the spooky part - an anagram of ‘Princess Diana’ is ‘ascend in Paris’.
* IAN FLEMING, creator of James Bond, was born on 28 May 1908. Though his famous secret agent (‘007, licensed to kill’) could never be called a saint, there is a church in Toronto, Canada called the St James Bond United Church.
* THE FIRST man to swim the English Channel without a life jacket was Captain Matthew Webb, who completed the crossing in 21 hours 45 minutes in August 1875. He died eight years later in July 1883 as he attempted to set another record by swimming the rapids above Niagara Falls. Some you win, some kill you.
* THE LAST woman to be hanged in Britain was Ruth Ellis (29), who was executed in Holloway Prison on 13 July 1955 for the murder of her former lover, David Blakeley (26), a somewhat degenerate racing driver born into a wealthly family. After he cruelly spurned her, Ellis, a divorced night club hostess, waited for Blakeley outside the Magdala public house in Hampstead, North London, on the night of 9 April 1955. When he came out, Ruth called out to him, but Blakeley ignored her and walked to his car. She then took an Army issue revolver from her handbag and shot him. Blakeley fell wounded by his car door, and Ellis calmly walked over and fired five more rounds into his back. Ellis signed a full confession and pleaded guilty, and the trial was a formality. When she was told that many people were petitioning the Home Office for a reprieve on her behalf, she said, “I am grateful to them. But I am quite prepared to die.” Ironically, if she had not aborted her child in January, Ruth Ellis would not have been executed. Following the double execution of Peter Allen and Gwynne Evans, capital punishment was abolished in Britain in 1965. The British actress Miranda Richardson played Ruth Ellis brilliantly in the 1985 movie ‘Dance with a Stranger’. Rupert Everett co-starred as David Blakeley and Ian Holm played Desmond Cussens, from whom Ellis allegedly obtained the murder weapon. Marie Wilson, (said to be “the best thing ever to come out of Neasden”), sang the haunting theme song to the film. Highly recommended.
* BAD TASTE joke: What did David Blakeley sing to Ruth Ellis? ‘Save the last round for me’.
* QUOTES: “I hate that expression – ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it’. What the hell else are you supposed to do with a piece of cake? Rub it in your hair?” (British comedian Paul Merton)
“Marriage is like driving fast – sooner or later there’s going to be one hell of a wreck.” (Burt Reynolds in ‘Hooper’).
* AMERICAN DISTANCE runner Mary Decker-Slaney, famous for her collision with the British/South African Zola Budd at the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics, once listed her hobbies as ‘dressmaking and sex’. In that order presumably.
* GERALD FORD, who became American president after the resignation of Richard Nixon in August 1974, was born on 14 July 1913 as Leslie King Junior. Infamous for his gaffes, he once referred to Egyptian premier Anwar Sadat as “the President of Israel” in a speech. Former President Lyndon Johnson summed up Gerry Ford by noting that, “the man is so dumb, he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” Unkind American news photographers once persuaded Ford to pose beside someone dressed as the Disneyland character Goofy the dog. The caption later read ‘Please note – Goofy is on the left’.
* IN A SIMILAR vein, President George Bush (senior) had the gaffe-prone Dan Quayle as his Vice President during the 1980’s. Wags said that this was for security reasons – no one would want to knock off President Bush, knowing that a dumbell like Quayle would then take over. Another joke going the rounds was that Mickey Mouse had taken to wearing a Dan Quayle watch.
* IT’S TRUE! Thomas Crapper, a London toilet salesman who became famous for inventing the sitting water closet, wrote an autobiography entitled ‘Flushed with Pride’.
* BACK IN August 1816, the poets Byron and Shelley, their friend Dr Polidori, and Shelley’s wife Mary, all agreed to write a horror story each whilst on holiday in Switzerland. It was the least famous of the quartet, Mary Shelley, who hit the jackpot. Her novel was later published under the title ‘Frankenstein’s Monster’.
* AFTER THE famous slaves revolt led by the Thracian gladiator Spartacus was crushed by Roman legions in 71 BC, no less than six thousand surviving slaves were crucified along the Appian Way. It was a cruel warning to the world - Mess with Rome, and this is what you get. Stanley Kubrick’s epic 1961 movie, ‘Spartacus’, starring Kirk Douglas in the title role, depicts this dramatic event vividly.
* GOLF: an infuriating game that brings out the worst in people. But why is it called golf? Because all the other four-letter words had already been taken.
* A QUESTION on golf etiquette: what do you do when your partner claims to have found his ball in the rough and you know he couldn’t have because you’ve got it in your pocket?
* A PRETTY YOUNG woman had just joined the golf club, and Mike Anderson (from Anchorage, Alaska) offered to give her some instruction. He stood behind her and showed her how to grip the club and swing back and forward. Their moving bodies caused the zipper in his fly to get caught in the zipper of her skirt – and they were stuck. They were slowly moving towards the club house to get assistance, when a big brown dog jumped out from behind a bush and threw a bucket of water over them.

David Cocksedge davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

Odd Balls

• FIFTY young dancers performing at a cultural festival were rushed to hospital after being made ill by toxic body paints in the Philippines.
• ENERGY bosses plan to make bio-gas from human waste at a jail in Bangkok, Thailand, after successful trials with pig dung.
• TWO crooks got a shock as they tried to steal a truck - it contained undercover cops on a stakeout in Maratea, Italy. The pair were arrested.
• THE cars women fantasise about driving most are BMW convertibles, Audi TTs and Porsche 911s - while most actually own Fiestas, a survey found.
• MORE than 500 wind chimes hung in a cemetery at West Bromwich, West Mids, are to be removed because the noise offends grieving relatives.
• ENGINEER Graham Peach spends his annual fortnight holiday at a hotel in Portland, Dorset - four miles from his home in Weymouth.

Stick to Thai food

A MAN has been jailed for four years after stabbing his brother in a fight over a sausage.
Kenny H. Graden, 33, pleaded guilty last month to slashing his brother John in the face several times in a furious row.
Graden was said to be angry after his brother ate some of his sausage following a boozing session.
The attack "could have been a homicide just as easily," Judge John Haas said at Stark County Court in Ohio.
In another case cops arrested and bailed a woman who allegedly went berserk in a fast-food restaurant because her burger was cold.
Detectives claim she stuck a pen in the side of the head of a Burger King manager in the attack.
Celinda Barge is accused of battery, resisting law enforcement and disorderly conduct over the meaty-snack fracas at the restaurant in Indianapolis, U.S.
Police Chief George Nelson said Barge swung a fist at assistant manager Amanda Benedict, 25, and then stabbed her in the crown of her head with a ball pen.
It is claimed that the burger bust-up started when Barge told staff her Whopper was missing some bacon.
When they obliged with a porky slice Barge allegedly moaned that it was cold.
She is also said to have objected to the addition of a condiment.
When the alleged victim went outside with another manager to give Barge her money back the outraged customer is said to have chucked bags of food.
Barge is then understood to have followed the managers back into the burger bar before launching her alleged assault.
Cops rushed to the scene and she was arrested. Benedict was taken to hospital for treatment.

What time is it?

Did you know -
Has anyone tried to decimalise time?
There have been several attempts to decimalise time. The abortive attempt to adopt “Net time”, where the whole world would abide by a global decimal clock relayed over the Internet, was the latest.
The French came up with a metric time system. It was created shortly after the French Revolution as a means to move towards science and reason and away from “Imperial” time and measure. The system consisted of ten-hour days. These hours consisted of 100 minutes which, in turn, were made up of 100 seconds each.
The calendar kept the traditional 12 months, but each month contained three ten-day weeks. Because the rest of the world still used Imperial time, business with other countries became increasingly difficult. The fact that there were now only three weekends a month did not sit well with the rest of the working class. The metric clock was abolished by Napoleon in 1805.
Geologists commonly decimalise time, at least large spans of time. Special units have even been developed to indicate “time before the present”. The age of a boulder of granite, for example, might be given as 312.5 Ma, where Ma means “Mega-anna”, or “million years before the present”. The time span of a recent glaciation might be 33.6-31.2 ka (thousand years before the present).
About 25 years ago, a radio station was discussing proposed legislation by the Canadian government to change time to the decimal system. It was the natural extension, they claimed, of the recently implemented switch from Imperial Measure and Weight. Just as the old and new weights and measures were being displayed alongside each other for a trasnition period, time would be displayed in both formats.
Numerous advantages were cited to the new system, most of which made life simpler for industry. This was a highly annoying proposal with which to be woken in the morning, I thought grumpily, just seconds before realising that it was April 1.

Who said that?

Ever wondered where the origins of those sayings people came out with such as "get the sack" or "wet behind the ears" came from? Well wonder no longer, every month we will bring you a collection so you can broaden your knowledge without "barking up the wrong tree"!

Aback: To take aback, means to be suddenly taken unawares or to have “the wind taken out of one’s sails”. This is one from a nautical background. A sudden change of wind could catch a ship’s sails on the wrong side, flattening them back against the mast and bringing the ship to a standstill, or even driving her backwards.
Acid: When something passes the acid test it indicates that it is genuine and can be relied on; as “good as gold”. Unlike most metals, gold is particularly resistant to digestion with almost all types of acid. Application of acid to a substance suspected of being gold, if not resulting in digestion, could therefore confirm the presence of gold. Thus, by extension, any test of character or quality came to be considered an “acid test”.
Adams: Sweet Fanny Adams; In 1867, a little 8 year old girl called Fanny Adams was murdered; her body was dismembered and badly mutilated. At about this time the Royal Navy was first issued with tinned mutton; this was not of good quality and became jokingly known as “Fanny Adams”. This term then was applied to any product regarded as poor or worthless and, eventually, came to mean “nothing at all”.
Alec: A smart Alec is regarded as a somewhat conceited person. The saying goes back to the 19th century and the Alec is short for Alexander, but why the name Alexander features at all I cannot find.
Apple pie: Apple pie bed; this is a practical joke type bed in which the bottom sheet is folded back upon itself, thereby making it impossible for the occupant to stretch out his or her legs. The phrase is an Anglicised version of the French “nappé pliè” - a folded sheet. Apple pie order; probably from the same origin as “apple pie bed” i.e. a folded sheet in French. Such sheets are neat and tidy.
Apple: When someone is the apple of your eye then they are really special. Sight has always been regarded as something special; this same appreciation applied equally to the pupil. In ancient times the pupil was supposed to be round and solid like a ball, i.e. like an apple. By extension the phrase was then applied to anything or anyone being especially precious.
Arm: To chance your arm is to risk something. This was firstly of military origin. Badges of rank, such as stripes, were worn on the arm. If the wearer offended against Military regulations then there was a risk of being demoted with consequent loss of some or all badges - hence such offences “chanced the wearer’s arm”.
An alternative explanation comes from Ireland. A couple of centuries ago two families had a feud. One eventually took refuge in St Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin. They then wished to make peace, but were afraid for their lives if they ventured out; in consequence they cut a hole in one of the Cathedral’s doors and put out an arm - the worst that could have happened was that an arm was lost. The hole is present to this day.
Aunt: My giddy aunt is an expression used to denote surprise. The “giddy” in this instance is probably unrelated to a sense of spinning around but rather to an alternative meaning of the word indicating “impulsive” or “scatterbrained” (Old English gydig meant “mad, frenzied, possessed by God”).
Axe: If someone has an axe to grind then they have an ulterior motive to pursue. This saying comes allegedly from the US diplomat Benjamin Franklin. He told the story of the young man who wanted his axe ground. The smith agreed to do it provided the man turn the grindstone himself. He soon tired and gave up having bitten off more than he could chew. This story was published early in Franklin’s career in an article entitled “Too much for your Whistle”, but the actual phrase does not seem to have been used until about 20 years later, in another story called “Who’ll turn the Grindstone?”, written by Charles Minter. This story was clearly based on Franklin’s tale, and did include the phrase “......that man has an ax to grind”. It seems that Charles Minter was the likely author of the phrase.

Going to the movies?

Here are 30 things you can learn from watching movies:
(1) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil
(2) When you need to defuse a bomb, don't worry too much about which wire to cut; you will always chose the right one
(3) Laptop computers are always powerful enough to override the communications systems of any invading aliens
(4) Aliens always speak English, sometimes with an American accent
(5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight. Your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one as they dance around in a menacing manner. As each one closes in, you can knock them out, one after the other
(6) Honest, hardworking policemen are always gunned down the day before their retirement
(7) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers or man-eating sharks, which allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape
(8) All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the muscular, handsome man lying asleep beside her
(9) Lipstick never rubs off - even whilst scuba diving
(10) It's easy for anyone (especially children) to land an aircraft; provided there is someone in a control tower to talk them down
(11) You will always survive a battle in any war unless you make the stupid mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home the night before the attack
(12) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it's not necessary to learn the language. Speaking English in a gruff German accent will do the trick nicely
(13) In haunted houses, attractive women should investigate strange noises at night clad in their most revealing underwear
(14) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it's necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously every few moments
(15) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty by his incompetent superiors
(16) Juries never debate a trial case, because a clever defense attorney will get the guilty person to confess under astute cross-examination; or the guilty party will dramatically shout a confession from the public gallery
(17) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any apartment in Paris
(18) Whilst being chased, you can hurl yourself through plate glass windows, and window frames, without suffering a scratch
(19) The bad guys always have AK-47 automatic rifles. They have 1,000-round magazines, but they are the worst marksmen in the world. Twelve of them can blast away and only hit everything around you. Dip behind the nearest tree, and fire three rounds back at them with your .38 revolver. Three will drop dead instantly; and the rest will scatter and run for cover
(20) Police departments always assign partners who are total opposites.
(21) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digits, counting down to zero
22) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are always affordable - even to unemployed people
23) Grocery shopping bags always contain a stick of French bread
24) Tarzan never, ever has to shave in the jungle
25) If you are female, blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission by the age of 22
26) Crashing cars always burst into flames, especially if they roll off a sheer cliff face
27) Alien planets are always dreary, inhospitable places
28) The computer controlling all functions of a spaceship will at some point turn on the human crew and try to destroy them
29) Loud, dramatic explosions with balls of flame gushing skywards are always preferable to subtle dialogue
30) Arnie will always be Terminating; Mel will always be Mad (Max); Bruce will always be cool and ruthless; Clint will always look world-weary; Sly will always be either Rocky or Rambo; and Dennis (Hopper) will always be deranged
David Cocksedge (038) 723490 e-mail: davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

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