Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

* AT ANN ARBOR, Michigan on 25 May 1935, James Cleveland (Jesse) Owens made sports history. The 21 year-old black American set five world records and equalled another in one afternoon. Competing for Ohio State University in the Big 10 Championships, Owens began at 3.15pm by sprinting 100 yards in 9.4 seconds to equal the world record. At 3.25pm, he long jumped 8.13 metres (26ft - 8 1/4in) to add 15cms to the world record - a mark that was to stand for the next 25 years. Satisfied that he had the event safely won with the first 8 metres jump in history, Owens then passed the remaining five rounds. At 3.45pm, he dashed down the straight 220 yards in 20.3 seconds to lop 0.3 sec off Ralph Metcalfe's world best. Then, finally, at 4.00pm, he clocked 22.6 seconds for 220 yards low hurdles to cut the world record by 0.4 sec. As he had also bettered world records for the slightly shorter 200 metres distance in both the hurdles and long sprint races, he was credited with those records also. So Jesse Owens went back to the Ohio campus having bagged six world records in 45 minutes - a feat that will never be bettered in track & field history.
As a schoolchild, Owens had been too shy to correct a teacher who misread his initials (JC) as "Jesse" at roll call. So he became world famous as Jesse Owens, rather than JC Owens. What is not generally known about that historic day at Michigan is that Owens' back was so sore and painful from a wrestling bout that he had to be carried into the stadium by his teammates. He was then massaged in a hot tub before he could walk out onto the track. But Owens was still in so much pain that he couldn't even warm up by stretching and jogging a lap of the track. He just rested his back against a flagpole until it was time to report for the 100 yards. But as soon as he crouched in his starting holes (no starting blocks in those days), his back pain suddenly cleared, and he sprinted, jumped and hurdled into athletic immortality.
* THE MYTH HAS persisted that German leader Adolf Hitler refused to shake hands with Jesse Owens when the American won the first of his four gold medals (100 metres) at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. Not strictly true. On the first day of the track & field programme, Hitler shook hands with medal winners from Germany and Finland. But on the second day, he hastily left the stadium when it was announced that black Americans Cornelius Johnson and Dave Albritton had placed first and second in the high jump. This was minutes before the 100 metres final. When Hitler arrived at the stadium on the third day, IOC President Avery Brundage politely told him that he must greet all medal winners or none. So the Fuhrer opted not to shake hands with any further medallists. Owens never directly refuted that Hitler's snub had been aimed at him. When years later, he received countless offers to retell the story of Hitler refusing to shake his hand, he said jokingly, "Hitler made me millions of dollars by not shaking my hand!" If the press was going to continue the myth, Owens was not going to dispute it. In Berlin, Owens won the 100 metres (10.3); 200 metres (20.7); long jump (8.06m) and finally led off the American 4x100 metres relay squad that won in a world record time of 39.8 seconds. Unfairly suspended from competition after the 1936 Games, Owens ended his competitive days with such demeaning activities as running against racehorses. James Cleveland Owens was born to poor sharecroppers in Oakville, Alabama on 12 September 1913. A heavy smoker in later life, he died of lung cancer on 31 March 1980, at the age of 66. (My thanks to Jon Hendershott of Track & Field News for much information on this amazing sportsman of yesteryear).
* AMERICAN MISCHIEF maker Elroy Ellis posted a bogus news story on his web site just to see how long it would take for the story to fly. Not long at all. The English tabloid Weekly World picked it up and ran with his story in October, in a news item sub-headed 'Granny mistakes sex dolls for angels and dies trying to follow inflatable floozies into heaven.' The "story" was this: 'A grandmother was killed in a 16-car pile up when she leapt from her car in a failed attempt to ascend into heaven. Geraldine Salstice (75) jumped from her sunroof when she saw dozens of helium-filled sex dolls escape from the back of a truck, mistaking the event for the Rapture. "He has come at last. Thank God and the heavenly hosts. He is here!" she cried before leaping to her death.' Nice one, Elroy.
* GEORGE W BUSH, the American President who oversaw 152 state executions during his tenure as governor of Texas, has issued his first pardon as a president - to a turkey. In a ceremony at the White House Rose Garden, Bush granted clemency to 'Liberty' the turkey as part of a Thanksgiving tradition dating back to the Civil War. Liberty escaped the nervous wait shared by 267 million turkeys raised to be eaten in the USA during the festive season. Reuters state that the annual turkey-pardoning began in 1947 under Harry Truman, but the ceremony has roots going back to 1863, when Abraham Lincoln's son Tad burst into a cabinet meeting to plead clemency for a turkey that had been sent to the White House for a Christmas feast. It became a pet named 'Jack', and I guess the Lincolns had to order a takeaway luncheon for their festive meal.
* FLIGHT RULES to remember: (a) Every takeoff is optional; but every landing is mandatory. (b) When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has yet collided with the sky. (c) The propeller is just a big fan in front of the aircraft to keep the pilot cool. If it stops in mid-air, you can actually watch the pilot sweating. (d) The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. (e) Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone hears about might just be another aircraft travelling in the opposite direction. (f) You start your flight with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before emptying the bag of luck. (g) There are three simple rules to follow in making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
* MACGREGOR WAS on his deathbed as he gasped his last words to his old friend, Jimmy McTavish. "Jock", he whispered. "There's a ten year-old bottle of single malt Scotch whiskey under my bed. When I'm gone, will you sprinkle it on my grave? Promise me, Jock, that you will do this for me." McTavish thought for a moment. "Och, aye, Jimmy", he said, "but would ye mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
· DOUGAL MACDONALD stopped a young man in Princes Street, Edinburgh one day. "Aren't you the laddie that saved my son from drowning in the loch yesterday?" he asked. "Aye, I did" replied the young man, "think nothing of it." "Nothing indeed!" roared MacDonald, "where's his bloody cap then?"
* GREAT QUOTES: "This war against the terrorists in Afghanistan is nothing like Vietnam. I support this war unequivocally. We were attacked on our soil. We have to bomb those people until we teach them not to hate us" (Tiger Bay taff Eartha Kitt as quoted in the New York Post. Interesting concept: dropping bombs on people until they get to like you).
* HEROIN USERS in Quetta, Pakistan have hit on a novel smoking habit: scorpion. The poisonous creatures with a deadly sting are carefully killed, then crushed, mashed up and popped into pipes for smoking. Habitual users of the drug claim that crushed scorpion is a better hit than H, in fact. You will find these interesting characters gathered in the local cemetery, where they meet daily to gossip as they shoot up and smoke. Quetta is close to the border with Afghanistan; hence hard drugs are easy to come by. But it seems that when available, drawing the smoke from slowly burning scorpion into your lungs just cannot be bettered. Enjoy, fellas.
* FOR TODAY'S history lesson, we go back to 338 BC, where at the battle of Chaeronea in northern Greece the army of Philip of Macedon defeated the forces of a confederation of Greek states ranged against him. Commander of the Macedonian cavalry was Philip's son, 18-year-old Alexander; soon to become Alexander the Great. After some furious fighting, he called upon the famous Sacred Band of Sparta, a regiment of male lovers, to surrender. They refused, saying that they had no understanding of such a term in their language; they supposed therefore that "surrender" must be a Macedonian word. So what remained of them locked shields and continued fighting. Alexander's mounted troops were then forced to massacre the entire regiment. After the battle that night, a drunken King Philip danced and sang among the corpses of his enemies. Depressed at being forced to destroy a legendary fighting force, Alexander did not join in the celebrations.
Interesting footnote: Alexander's mother, Olympias of Epiros (known as the 'Epirote Witch') used to sleep at night with her favourite pet python coiled around her waist. A mysterious and wild woman of extraordinary beauty, she died in 316 BC, outliving her famous son by seven years.
* A RECENT broadcast on BBC World Service focused on Drugs in Sport. Most of the programme was an interview with 400 metres sprinter Mark Richardson from Windsor, England. He prattled on self-righteously about "drug cheats', and how outraged he felt about it all. Never once was it mentioned by anyone that Richardson himself has served a suspension for nandrolone use that forced him to miss the Sydney Olympics. Oh boy, the hypocrisy in modern professional sport!
David Cocksedge davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

The things people do

Case One: - I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Case Two: - Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Case Three: - A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Case Four: - Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
Case Five: - A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Case Six: - Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on video tape.
Case Seven: - The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that these people are allowed to vote!

Who said that?

Ever wondered where the origins of those sayings people came out with such as "get the sack" or "wet behind the ears" came from? Well wonder no longer, every month we will bring you a collection so you can broaden your knowledge without "barking up the wrong tree"!

B

Bacon: To bring home the bacon is to triumphantly achieve some plan or object, perhaps by winning a prize or race. There are two possible origins to this saying. The first goes back several hundred years to the village of Dunmow in Essex where, it is said, in AD 1111 a noble woman offered a prize of a side of bacon, known locally as a flitch, to any man from anywhere in England who could honestly say that he had had complete marital harmony for the preceding year and a day. In over 500 years there were only eight winners. The prize was re-established in the mid 19th century (1858) but ceased to be offered with the closure of the local bacon factory in the 1980s. An alternative explanation comes from the ancient sport of catching a greased pig at country fairs. The winner kept the pig.
To save one's bacon indicates that a situation has been rescued. This has little to do with the bacon that was brought home above: rather the word here could derive from Baec which is Old Dutch and Anglo-Saxon for "back". However, like many sayings, there are other suggestions as to the origin. The most likely of these is that, in the early 17th century "bacon" was thieves' slang for "escape".
Badger: To badger someone, means that a person is being harried or annoyed incessantly. This comes from the cruel "sport" of badger baiting. The unfortunate animal was placed in an upturned barrel and dogs were then released to drag it out. When the animals emerged the badger was separated from the hounds and then put back into the barrel to start all over again until the inevitable occurred.
Bag: To let the cat out of the bag; see "Pig in a Poke". In the bag means that all is certain; the outcome is beyond doubt. This is almost certainly derived from the House of Commons, along with "On the nod" and "Toe the line". "In the bag" means: a bag of petitions behind the Speaker. An alternative origin says that the bag is one which holds birds and other small game which have been shot and are on their way home to the cooking pot.
Baker: A baker's dozen; This expression meaning thirteen of something, is many centuries old. It goes back to the days when bread was the staple diet of the populace and it was illegal to sell it underweight. In order to make certain that they did not incur a heavy penalty for selling underweight, many bakers gave 13 loaves to the dozen, just to make sure. This extra loaf was called the "vantage" loaf.
Balloon: When the balloon goes up is a phrase used to imply impending trouble. This relates to the use of observation balloons in the first World War. The sight of such a balloon going up nearly always resulted in a barrage of shells following soon after. The expression was re-inforced during WW2 when the hoisting of barrage balloons was part of the preparations for an air raid.
Bandwagon: To climb on the bandwagon is to join in something that looks as if it will be a success, often with a view to gaining some sort of personal benefit. This goes back to the southern USA custom of bands playing on a wagon in front of a religious or political rally. Supporters would jump on board in order to show their enthusiasm. Although the practice is of some age, the saying itself is first recorded about the Presidential campaign of William Jennings Bryan early in the 20th century.
Bandy: To bandy words, means to argue or quarrel. "Bandy" originated from an Old French word "Bander", which was used in an early form of tennis and meant to "hit a ball to and fro". Later, in the early 17th century, "Bandy" became the name of an Irish team game from which hockey evolved. The ball was "bandied" back and forth between players. The crooked shape of the stick with which the game was played has produced the modern expression "bandy-legged".
Barge: To barge in is a term used when someone rudely interrupts a situation. The origin goes back to the awkward steering characteristics of river barges - they often banged into other boats and objects. By the late 1800s schoolboys used barge to mean "to hustle someone". To barge in came into the language in the early 1900s.
Barking: Barking up the wrong tree. This saying implies something similar to "getting hold of the wrong end of the stick". It comes from the USA and originates in the practice of racoon hunting. Raccoons are partly nocturnal animals and are hunted with dogs. The raccoons often take sanctuary in trees. When the dogs spot them up a tree they stand at the base and bark; occasionally, in the dark, they get the wrong tree.
Baron: A baron of beef; a Baron of Beef is a large double slice of meat not separated at the backbone. Half a Baron is called a sirloin and it from this half that Baron gets its name. Sirloin is a an anglicised version of the French "sur" (over) and "longe" (loin). By inference and humour, since a "Sir", or Knight is lower than a "Baron" then the double version was so called.
Barrel: To have someone over a barrel; in the past a recognised treatment for someone who had been rescued from drowning was to place them over a barrel in order to drain water from their lungs. Such people were not really able to act for themselves and were totally reliant on their rescuers. In the same way, someone who is having business or other problems and is in the hands of third parties can be said to be "over a barrel".
Bat: To bat an eyelid describes a blink or wink. Why bat? The word derives from the now obsolete bate in turn from the Old French "batre" meaning "to beat the wings: to flutter".

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