Jokes and Stories from this months issue.
* AFTER THE teenager Cassius Clay (later Elija
Muhammad Ali) had won the 1960 Olympic Heavyweight Boxing title in Rome,
he went into a diner in his home town of Louisville, Kentucky. "I'll
have a hot dog and a coffee, please", he told the waiter.
"We don't serve Negroes here", said the man.
"That's okay", replied Clay/Ali "I don't eat 'em. Just
gimme a hot dog and a coffee."
He was thrown out. Those were the bad old days of segregation in the USA.
* AFTER SAIGON fell to the North Vietnamese Army on 30 April 1975, thousands
of Vo Nguygen Giap's NVA troops were billeted in the city's tourist hotels.
Remember that these were simple peasant farmers who had no grasp of Modern
City living. A squad occupying a suite of rooms in the Rex Hotel decided
that the western-style toilet must be a water storage place for their
meal of fish. So into the toilet bowl went their catch. Then someone examined
the flushing chain and experimentally pulled it. Woosh! Their midday meal
was flushed away, and gone forever. Enraged at this dastardly capitalist
device, the squad of soldiers smashed the enamel toilet seat with their
rifle butts and totally destroyed it. Try the fridge next time, fellas.
(Lonely Planet)
* THE FALL OF Cambodia (before Saigon on 17 April 1975) also had its'
stories. One is from Air America pilot Neil Hansen, who had been stationed
in Battambang, and missed the mass evacuation of westerners by air from
Phnom Penh. So he went to the capital's airport next day, picked out a
commercial aircraft, had it loaded with cargo, and taxied onto the runway,
where he flicked the magnetos on and off. "The locals were so dumb
they didn't realise I was turning the mags on and off, and thought the
engine was no good". He returned to the hangar for "repairs"
and the cargo was off-loaded. Hansen then waited whilst his co-pilot went
off to collect his family who secretly boarded at 11am. "I noticed
that all the noodle stands by the airport - which were always in operation,
however heavy the incoming shells - had shut down. I was expecting a convoy
of KR (Khmer Rogue) troops down the road any minute. It was time to go".
Hansen took off and headed towards Thailand without a flight plan, expecting
the Thai Airforce to intercept him at any moment. He stayed low to avoid
radar, and spoke to a Lufthansa captain en route to Hong Kong. The captain
filed for him, and Hansen was given clearance to land at Bangkok. "I
landed at Don Muang with the last of my gas and parked just by a Convair
that had been flown out of Phonm Penh loaded with pigs. Thai Immigration
officers had impounded the aircraft and sealed it. The pigs had died in
the heat and it was dripping juice. The smell was ripe! Anyway, here I
am, unscheduled, no diplomatic clearance, and expecting a lot of hassle
from Customs." But his "crew" was waved through Health
Check and Passport Control. Hansen went to the Immigration Chief. "I've
just flown from Phnom Penh" " he announced. "Yes, sir",
said the official, "please to sign crew list". Hansen continued:
"You don't need a passport as a crew member. I just had to guarantee
that I would also take the others out of the country when I flew out."
Leaving a suitcase of now worthless Cambodian currency in the plane, he
and his passengers then went into town. Later came news came from Cambodia
that Pol Pot's soldiers, who were purging whole communities, had rounded
up and executed the entire airline staff. As captain of the aircraft and
the only remaining representative of the company, Hansen was by international
law now the legal owner. He had inherited an airline. ('Air America' by
Christopher Robbins, Asia Books)
* THE LEGENDARY folk/rock singer, Bob Dylan was born Robert Zimmerman
on 24 May 1941. Though there is a poetry course devoted to his lyrics
at Cambridge University, Dylan prefers to call himself a 'trapeze artist'
rather than a poet. When someone asked him what his songs were about,
he replied, "Some of them are about ten minutes long. Others are
about five or six."
* IF WE could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people,
with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, experts tells us
that this would be the distribution: there would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans,
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south, and 8 Africans.
Fifty-two persons would be female, 48 male; 70 would be non-white, 30
would be white; 70 would be non-Christian; 30 would be Christian; 89 would
be heterosexual, 11 would be homosexual. And get this: six people would
possess 59% of the world's wealth and all six would be from the USA. Eighty
people would live in sub-standard housing, 70 would be unable to read.
Fifty-nine people would suffer malnutrition. One person would be near
death; and another about to be born. One person would have a college education,
and only one lucky guy (or woman) would own a computer. Makes you think,
does it not?
* OUR ANCESTORS must have ponged. In 16th century England, tooth decay
was common as few people had any way of cleaning their teeth, and it was
customary for most folks to take a yearly bath in May. Weddings were usually
held in June, when brides and grooms were still comparatively clean. The
blushing bride usually carried a spray of fresh roses to disguise her
body odour. The latter custom has persisted through the centuries. And
the guy who invented toothpaste deserves a gold medal.
* THE TRAVELLING salesman's car broke down on a lonely lane. He walked
for miles before coming upon a farmhouse. He knocked on the door and the
farmer who opened it told the salesman that he was welcome to stay the
night and that dinner has just been put on the table. "But",
he said, "I must tell you that we only have two beds in the house.
I sleep in one and my beautiful, blond 21-year-old son sleeps in the other
one."
"Oh no!" Cried the salesman, "I'm in the wrong joke!"
David Cocksedge davidcox@loxinfo.co.th
Believe it or not!
The following are actual news excerpts from the African press in South
Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe, supplied to us by someone who wishes
to remain nameless.
The Cape Times (Cape Town)
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim,
a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can
confirm that he is no longer in our employment".
"We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job.
When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two
on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we
realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned
the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best
all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."
The Star (Johannesburg)
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister
Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's
merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's
all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked
country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We
believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to
look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find
it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically
reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government.
The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours
you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable
gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other
side of his face when my ship comes in."
The Standard (Kenya)
What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened
news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport.
"A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the
world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."
Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation
of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin:
"The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off,
when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not
possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister
was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for
inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get
the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with
a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve
with his mouth, but he passed out.
"When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the
passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket
whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being
ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And,
in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu,
albeit at his own expense."
From a Zimbabwean newspaper
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver
stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got
back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to
be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered,
he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the
queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight
to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges',
warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions
were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real
patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently
blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.
The many faces of Clown Eckie
So, how would you feel, you're having a quiet beer
at a friend's birthday party, talking with a group of people, when one
guy with a northern English accent opens up his wallet - it bursts into
flames - the wallet that is, not the Englishman. You've met Eckie!
Clown Eckie is one of Eddie Haworth's characters, he was Britain's winning
representative in the prestigious Clown D'Oro competition, and "continues
to enjoy great respect from many of his fellow entertainers. His technical
skills are surpassed only by his innate and endearing stupitity!"
So says Eddie's website.
Clown Eckie appeared at the Night Plaza to the great
enjoyment of the crowd, particularly the little lad pictured above, who
did his best to steal the show. Eddie's humour is as infectious as it
is international, no language barriers, truly fun for all the family and
all ages.
Our favourite clown has a very impressive list of achievements including
a world juggling record, best clown awards from UK and around the world.
His list of previous clients is also pretty staggering from Bill Gates'
Microsoft party in Shanghai to David Beckham and Posh Spice's wedding
party in England.
Eddie is based in Bangkok but loves Hua Hin and would enjoy coming down
more often to display his unique style of fun, best described as a Charley
Chaplain meets Mr Bean with the exploding accordian winning!
Eddie's characters are available for family shows, corporate functions,
galas, cabaret, film, theatre, walkabout's, weddings, charity events and
anywhere you need a laugh. He can be reached at DTC Travel, 22/1 Sukhumvit
Road, Bangkok on 02-2600 453, or 01- 363 5579 or through his website:
www.clowneckie.com
Who said that?
Ever wondered where the origins of those sayings people came out with such as "get the sack" or "wet behind the ears" came from? Well wonder no longer, every month we will bring you a collection so you can broaden your knowledge without "barking up the wrong tree"!
B
Bay: To keep danger at bay. In ancient times the bay tree was regarded as having great protective powers. This was due to the fact that it never seemed to be struck by lightning. Both Greeks and Romans wore its leaves as protection during thunder storms in an effort to keep the lightning "at bay". During the great plague of London many citizens did the same, in the hope that they would be spared the disease, but it didn't help.Beam: On your beam ends; when life is bad and all resources are low or absent then that is when you are said to be "on your beam ends". The saying is nautical in origin and refers to the supporting cross beams in old wooden ships. In shipwrecks the ships often ended up on their sides i.e. "on their beam ends".
Bean: To have a bean feast means to have a good time. In times past it was customary for employers to hold an annual dinner for their employees. It is thought that a regular part of the menu was bean-goose, so called from a bean shaped mark on the beak. It is also possible that the menu also contained a dish consisting mainly of beans. Whatever the menu, such dinners were often rowdy and high-spirited, just like a modern "bean feast". Incidentally, a shortened version of the expression also passed into common usage. This is why we have a "Beano".
Beans: To spill the beans indicates that a secret has been revealed. The suggested origin of this one is similar to, but older, than that of to "black ball". The ancient Greeks were very fastidious about who they would let into membership of their many secret societies. A common voting method was for members to drop either a white or a black bean into a jar. White meant acceptance and black rejection of the new application. It only needed a few black beans for total rejection. The precise numbers of white and black votes were meant to be secret but, occasionally, the jar was knocked over and the beans were spilt. This splendid suggested origin is somewhat marred by the fact that the saying only came into general use in the 1920s; however I know of no better explanation.
Bear: A bear garden. Today this saying implies a state of near chaos, turmoil and confusion in a room or some other similar situation, e.g. a particularly noisy and crowded pub. It comes from the time of Henry VIII when bear baiting was popular, so much so that gardens were actually set aside for the "sport". They were, of course, very noisy and rowdy places.
Bee: To be the bees knees; i.e. to be first class at something. There are a couple of explanations for this one, neither of which I find convincing, but which are all that I can find. The first refers to the delicate and precise way that bees knees bend when they clean off pollen from their bodies and transfer it to the sacks on their back legs. The second, and more likely, origin is one of rhyme and animal association. It was fashionable in the 1920s to coin this type of phrase, not all of which rhymed but all of which had animal connotations; other examples are "the cat's pyjamas" and "the eel's heel". Several of the sayings have died out, but "bees knees" survives.
Beef: To beef about something, means to complain or moan. I have found only one explanation for this expression and it is another that I find less than convincing; never-the-less, here goes. It allegedly comes from the London criminal underworld, well known to be full of cockney rhyming slang. The traditional shout of "stop thief!" was mocked by being replaced by "hot beef, hot beef" in criminal circles who thought that the shouters of "stop thief" were making an unnecessary fuss. The 1811 Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue defines Beef as: "to cry beef; to give the alarm", thereby supporting the above suggested origin.
An alternative origin goes as follows:
"In order to get them from their ranges to railroads, herds of beef cattle were once forced to trot for day after day in all kinds of weather. Residents of railhead cow towns didn't need to be told when a rancher and his cowpokes were getting close - the noise made by the &lsquobeef' could be heard for miles. Cattle drives are long gone, but a person who is loud in finding fault is still said to &lsquobeef' or bellow like a tired and thirsty steer." From "Why You Say It" by Webb Garrison (Rutledge Hill Press, Nashville, Tenn., 1992).
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