Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

* THE GREAT FRENCH leader Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) was proudly shown a new invention in 1804 - French scientists had made what became known as the electric battery. In answer to a casual query, he was told that the best way to judge the power of each battery was to place the positive and negative contacts on the tongue. A slight pulse on this sensitive organ would indicate that the battery was charged. No sensation would indicate that the battery required charging. Nodding wisely, Napoleon then walked into a room where the latest innovation, an enormous shed-sized battery, was awaiting inspection. Before officials could stop him, Bonaparte reached for the terminals and placed the contacts in his mouth. The horrified scientists had visions of an intimate meeting with Madame Guillotine when there was an orange flash and the leader of France was blown across the room. To a man, they sighed in relief when Napoleon, with great sang froid, stood up, dusted himself off, and carried on his inspection as if nothing had happened. (BBC World Service)
* THE NAME given to the first atomic bomb is misleading, because almost any explosion involves an atomic reaction. The atomic bomb involves a nuclear reaction.
* "SUPER" MIKE DINCU, the Romanian masseur employed by the Canadian sprint group coached by Charlie Francis was well known for his impish humour. In 1981 on a flight to the Pan American Games in Caracas, Venezuela, Dincu boasted to a Hispanic airhostess that he had an Atomic Balm in his bag. The frightened woman panicked and rushed to the cockpit to inform the pilot that there was a terrorist on board. The aircraft returned to the holdover stop in Miami where Dincu was arrested by heavily armed airport security guards. Only some careful explaining by Francis saved Super Mike from criminal charges. But the Canadian team flew on to Caracas without him. Francis, of course, became infamous for the doping scandal of the 1988 Seoul Olympics. His star athlete Ben Johnson defeated Carl Lewis in the 100 metres in the world record time of 9.79 seconds only to be stripped of his medal and record two days later when it was announced that he had tested positive for the anabolic steroid stanozolol. ("Speed Trap" by Charlie Francis and Jeff Coplon, Grafton Books)
* AFTER IT has bitten a victim and is bloated with blood, a mosquito can carry twice its own weight and still fly. When you spot one lumbering into the air from your ankle you can be certain that it has already feasted on your blood, and it will soon be time to reach for the Tiger Balm.
* AS A RESPONSE to the Great Plague of the 17th century, the so-called Flagellants of Germany used to beat themselves and each other in an attempt to appease God's wrath.
* SOME SPECIES of locust survive for only two weeks as an adult, after fifteen years as a small grub. Quite an apprenticeship, you might think.
* ON 15 MAY 1948, the Australian touring Cricket team scored a world record number of runs in a single day. In just under six hours the Aussies made 721 all out against Essex at Southchurch Park, Southend.
* INTERESTING QUESTIONS: "Dogs can only see in black and white. If they could see in colour, would dog licenses cost more?" (David Baddiel)
"How come that winners of the Mr Universe Contest are always from the planet Earth?" (Will Self)
"Why on earth did John Logie Baird invent television? Back in 1926 there was nothing being broadcast when he switched on the world's first TV set." (Paul Merton)
* EMPEROR CALIGULA (Germanicus Caesar) was furious at having some of his treasured possessions lost in a shipwreck in AD 38. He declared war against Neptune, the Roman god of the sea, and made his soldiers throw their spears into the waves at random. As war booty, he also ordered his troops to fill several hundred wooden chests with seashells. Caligula (AD 12-41) is also famous for declaring himself a god, making his favourite horse a Roman senator and for poisoning most of his friends as he dined in their company. He would bid them a polite farewell when they suddenly choked and fell into death convulsions. A personal invitation to dine alone with Emperor Caligula was a certain death sentence. With a friend like that, who needs an enemy?
* FRED ASTAIRE'S first screen-test notes read: "Can't act. Can't sing. Can dance a little". Yes, and Decca turned down the Beatles in 1962.
* JESUS CHRIST was born in the reign of the Jewish king Herod; and it is known that Herod died in 4 BC. This means that Jesus was also born "Before Christ". The mistake in dating was made in the sixth century, and has remained ever since.
* JOAN OF ARC was declared a witch and burned at the stake in Rouen, France, on 30 May 1431. In 1455, Charles VII, the man who had initially handed her over to the ruthless church inquisitors, had the case re-opened. After Joan's family had been allowed to introduce new evidence, the previous verdict was quashed - too late for Joan however. She eventually became Saint Joan, Maid of Orleans, in 1920.
* A FEW pointers in life to remember:
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
You can always be in shape. Round is a shape.
Never be afraid to try something new. Amateurs built the Ark; professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and nappies (diapers) have one thing in common: both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes. Death however, does not get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
When you are broke, you are actually having an out of money experience.
If you are planning on living forever; so far, so good.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night. Try spending a winter in Norway.
If marriages were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right moment, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
Think about this one: you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old only because you have stopped laughing.
* WHEN NASA first started sending astronauts into outer space, scientists quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, they spent a decade and twelve million dollars developing a pen that can be used to write in zero gravity, upside down, underwater and on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees C.
When confronted by the same problem, Russian astronauts used pencils.
* HERE'S A REAL groaner: How did Good King Wenceslas like his pizza? Yes, that's right - "deep pan, crisp and even."
* THE BAR area of an international airport; 2.30 am. Three stranded male passengers are sitting and nursing drinks.
First man: ""Well, if we are going to drink together, we should all know who we are. I'm Watkins, General, retired, Australian Military Forces, married, wife dead, two sons, both QCs."
Second man: "I'm Percy Ferguson-Gore, General, British Army, married, wife dead, two sons, both Judges."
Third man: "I'm Jones, shearer, retired, Australian Outback, never married, two bastards, both Generals".
*GREAT QUOTES: "It's not the men in your life that are important dear, it's the life in your men". (Mae West)
"For murder, you get ten years. For marriage, you get a life sentence." (Benny Hill)
* THE OLYMPICS of AD 60 boasted a famous competitor in Emperor Nero. The word was about that anyone who defeated him might incur his displeasure and so Nero, who was a mediocre athlete at best, still managed to win every event that he entered.
* WITH CHINA'S entry into the WTO and its victorious bid for the 2008 Summer Olympics, Chinese television is becoming much more westernised. Recent arrivals dubbed into Chinese include Canada's "The X-Files", whilst Britain's "Teletubbies" has been translated as "Antenna Babies." And western-style confessional talk shows have gone down big in China. On "Telling the Truth", a man who denounced his favourite primary-school teacher during the infamous Cultural Revolution recently reunited with her. As tears streaked his face, he apologised to her before hundreds of millions of viewers. The studio audience and the host were soon in tears as well. Somewhere, Oprah Winfrey was smiling. (Newsweek)
* QUINTIN CRISP, Britain's famous first professional gay, spent the last years of his life in New York City and even had a song by Sting dedicated to him. One morning, Crisp hailed a taxi for a ride across the city and was dismayed to find that the driver was a vociferous homophobic. He listened patiently to a long tirade along the lines of "All you limp-wristed faggots should be lined up and shot", before exiting the cab and paying his fare. As he was walking away, the cabbie shouted to him, "Hey fairy! You've left your magic wand behind!" Crisp turned back, collected his walking stick, and then waved it in the air above the driver. "Turn into dog poo, your horrid little man!" he solemnly intoned.
* ANCIENT CHINESE proverb: Talk happiness; the world is sad enough without your woe.
David Cocksedge davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

this month

regulars

stories

sports

golf

funnies

back issues