Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*DURING THE reign (1837-1901) of Britain's Queen Victoria there were several attempts to assassinate the monarch. On one famous occasion in 1873, the Queen was being driven in a carriage through Hyde Park when she heard several popping sounds. "What on earth is that peculiar noise, driver?" she asked. Her servant did not even whip up the horses as he replied, with classic British stiff-upper-lip understatement, "It appears, Ma'am, that somebody is shooting at us."
*RALPH AND CAROLYN Cummins had five children between 1952 and 1966. And all five were born on 20th February. That made it easy to remember the kids' birthday, even if it was an expensive one for the parents.
*A SPIDER'S WEB is traditionally a natural clotting agent. If a big enough web is applied to a cut on a human body, it will stem the flow of blood and help the wound to heal quickly. Dare you to try it.
*GERONIMO (1825-1909) was a great leader of the Apache tribe in North America who resisted many attempts by the federal government to settle his people in reservations. He became a member of the Dutch Reformed Church late in life, but was expelled from the organisation for gambling. His real name was 'Goyathlay' which means 'One who yawns' in his native tongue.
*THOMAS ARNOLD (1795-1842) was headmaster of Rugby School in the 1830's when the famous 'handball' incident took place. During a game of football, a pupil decided to pick up the ball and run towards the opposition's line with it. This breach of Soccer rules led Arnold to devise a whole new game, which became known as Rugby.
*EVERY YEAR in Southern France there is a 'Thieves Fair', where people are encouraged to try and steal items from the stalls - if they think they can get away with it.
*THE PHILOSOPHER Rene Descartes (1596-1650) once speculated that monkeys could in fact speak, but chose not to in order to avoid having to work. He didn't say which language the apes favoured. His most famous philosophic quote was to state that "I think, therefore I am."
*THE GREAT American singer and actress Judy Garland (born 10 June 1922) is most famous for playing the part of 'Dorothy' in the 1939 classic 'The Wizard of Oz'. Her original name was the distinctly unglamorous Frances Gumm. Garland died in England on 22 June 1969, aged only 47.
*MARK TWAIN'S real name was Samuel Langhorn Clemens (1835-1910). This great American writer took his professional name from a Mississippi riverboat phrase meaning "Two fathoms deep". Twain's most famous novels were 'Tom Sawyer' (1876) and 'The adventures of Huckleberry Finn' (1884).
*DURING THE Crusades in the 13th century, transporting corpses of their dead became a major problem for the medieval soldiers. The crusaders solved this by taking huge cauldrons to the Holy Wars. After each battle, these were filled with water and loaded with corpses of the Christian dead. The water was then heated until the flesh boiled off the bodies. Bones are much easier to carry around, and they do not rapidly decompose with a foul odour. The infamous 'Cricklewood Killer' Dennis Neilsen used this method to dispose of some of the bodies of fifteen vagrants that he murdered in the 1980's.
*HELMUT WAS A fitness freak. The German expat worked out every day on the weights, dieted carefully and always kept himself in excellent physical shape. Like most 'gym rats' he was also a trifle narcissistic, if the truth were known. What he enjoyed most was his late afternoon stroll along Pattaya beach, where he would always attract many admiring glances from local females. They would especially comment on his muscular and shapely rounded backside. Like the famous 'Girl from Epanema', Helmut would pretend not to hear their comments, and just walk by with his nose in the air. Secretly, however, he gained a huge thrill from being thus noticed and commented upon.
Then one day it happened. He strolled along the beach as usual, and everyone ignored him. He did not attract one passing glance, or one compliment. What could have happened? He agonized on this for hours, until a chat with a fellow gym rat gave him a clue. This particular day, he had ventured out without his wallet. He usually placed his substantial billfold, always loaded with around 20,000 baht in cash, in his right hip pocket, where it would bulge out invitingly. Could it be this item which attracted the attention of local Thai females, and not his shapely muscular butt? The thought was almost too much to bear. Helmut had to gulp down a couple of steroids, washed down with a gallon of carrot juice, to help deaden the emotional pain.
*MOVIE QUOTES: "We mortals are but shadows and dust, Maximus! Shadows and dust!" (Proximo/Oliver Reed in 'Gladiator'). "I thought I was dead myself. But it turned out that I was just in Nebraska." (Bill Daggett/Gene Hackman in 'Unforgiven') "I've seen things you people would never believe: attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've seen sea-beams, glittering like fireflies by the Tenhouser Gate. All these moments will be lost; like tears in rain." (Roy Batty/Rutger Hauer in 'Bladerunner')
*THE FIRST RECORDED use of heavy artillery as covering fire was in 329 BC. Alexander the Great was confronted by an army of mounted Scyths alongside the Oxus River at Karshi in the Hindu Kush. When the Macedonian King sacrificed to his gods and held a cavalry and gymnastic contest as a show of strength, the Scyths shouted insults across the river. Alexander had his massive arrow-shooting catapults and sling shots set up on the riverbank and aimed across the water. When the first salvoes crashed into them, many Scyths were killed, and fell back in total disarray. Alexander then led 10,000 men across the river on inflated stuffed leather rafts, their horses swimming beside them, as his artillery continued to blast the Scyths and keep them at a distance - a classic battle tactic centuries before it was written into the field manuals.
Perhaps the greatest military genius in history, Alexander had studied his enemy and knew that Scythian tactics relied on encirclement - unarmored horsemen would gallop around their foe and shoot arrows as they passed. He lured the Scythians into battle with a deceptively weak advance force. Then, as they tried to encircle, he smashed them with his main cavalry and infantry spearmen: hoplites hefting 18-feet long spears known as sarissas. The not to hear their comments, and just walk by with his nose in the air. Secretly, however, he gained a huge thrill from being thus noticed and commented upon.
Then one day it happened. He strolled along the beach as usual, and everyone ignored him. He did not attract one passing glance, or one compliment. What could have happened? He agonized on this for hours, until a chat with a fellow gym rat gave him a clue. This particular day, he had ventured out without his wallet. He usually placed his substantial billfold, always loaded with around 20,000 baht in cash, in his right hip pocket, where it would bulge out invitingly. Could it be this item which attracted the attention of local Thai females, and not his shapely muscular butt? The thought was almost too much to bear. Helmut had to gulp down a couple of steroids, washed down with a gallon of carrot juice, to help deaden the emotional pain.
*MOVIE QUOTES: "We mortals are but shadows and dust, Maximus! Shadows and dust!" (Proximo/Oliver Reed in 'Gladiator'). "I thought I was dead myself. But it turned out that I was just in Nebraska." (Bill Daggett/Gene Hackman in 'Unforgiven') "I've seen things you people would never believe: attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've seen sea-beams, glittering like fireflies by the Tenhouser Gate. All these moments will be lost; like tears in rain." (Roy Batty/Rutger Hauer in 'Bladerunner')
*THE FIRST RECORDED use of heavy artillery as covering fire was in 329 BC. Alexander the Great was confronted by an army of mounted Scyths alongside the Oxus River at Karshi in the Hindu Kush. When the Macedonian King sacrificed to his gods and held a cavalry and gymnastic contest as a show of strength, the Scyths shouted insults across the river. Alexander had his massive arrow-shooting catapults and sling shots set up on the riverbank and aimed across the water. When the first salvoes crashed into them, many Scyths were killed, and fell back in total disarray. Alexander then led 10,000 men across the river on inflated stuffed leather rafts, their horses swimming beside them, as his artillery continued to blast the Scyths and keep them at a distance - a classic battle tactic centuries before it was written into the field manuals.
Perhaps the greatest military genius in history, Alexander had studied his enemy and knew that Scythian tactics relied on encirclement - unarmored horsemen would gallop around their foe and shoot arrows as they passed. He lured the Scythians into battle with a deceptively weak advance force. Then, as they tried to encircle, he smashed them with his main cavalry and infantry spearmen: hoplites hefting 18-feet long spears known as sarissas. The Scyths were jostled back by these lancers and left no room to maneuver. After losing about a thousand men, they fled away into the nearby hills. Alexander and his cavalry chased them spiritedly for some eight miles until he stopped to drink some local water which gave him such bad diarrhorea that he was forced to give up the pursuit. Though Alexander (20 July 356 - 10 June 323 BC) was worshiped by many as a living god, this proved that he was merely human, after all. ('Alexander the Great', by Robin Lane Fox, Futura Publications Ltd)
*THE BBC MOTORING correspondent Jeremy Clarkson one day found himself sitting next to supermodel Kate Moss at a lavish banquet in London. "Good evening", he purred to the waif-like figure beside him. "I'm Jeremy Clarkson. I do TOP GEAR." Moss turned her huge blue eyes on him and said, "No 'fanks, mate. I don't do drugs no more."
*MOVIE QUOTES: "Show me a happy homosexual and I'll show you a Gay Cavalier." (Kenneth Nelson as 'Michael' in Mart Crowley's play/movie 'The Boys in the Band')
"A man I know once told me, 'When death smiles at you, all a man can do is smile back'." (Russell Crowe as 'Maximus' in 'Gladiator')
*DURING THE American involvement in the Vietnam conflict (1965-1975), the Viet Cong had an ingenious way of disabling vehicles. It just took a grenade, with the pin extracted and an elastic band over the device to hold the lever in place. The grenade was then simply placed into a petrol (gasoline) tank via the refuelling port. The gasoline would erode the elastic band within an hour or so; the lever on the grenade would spring open, and (boom!) trigger an explosion right inside the vehicle's gas tank.
*DIVORCE IS no joke, but American citizen Terry Van Hoosen (54) of Louisville, Kentucky made it one as he won $5,000 in a nationwide contest for the most original divorced persons vehicle licence plate. After legally parting from his wife of 18 years, Mr Van Hoosen purchased a plate for his car which read D-WIFED. He stated that he would donate some of his winnings to a local charity.
*AUISTRALIA'S MOST famous outlaw was Ned Kelly, born in 1855 to a family of Irish extraction living in the Glenrowan area of northeast Victoria. In March 1877 Ned shot a police officer attempting to arrest his brother Dan on a charge of stealing stock animals. The brothers fled and went into hiding in the Wombat Ranges, where they formed an outlaw gang. In 1878 the Kelly gang killed three police officers in a famous shootout, and soon became legendary throughout the colony. The Kelly 'Bushrangers' were declared dangerous outlaws by the authorities and for two years the gang raided towns and robbed banks. Ned by this time had devised his own makeshift body armour consisting of a metal breastplate and helmet, which singled him out amongst other outlaws of the period. The gang was cornered one day in September 1880 and all killed except Ned. He was captured and his trial for murder and robbery made international headlines. Despite a reprieve petition signed by more than 30,000 citizens who regarded Ned Kelly as Australia's real-life Robin Hood, he was convicted and hanged. Britain's rock star Mick Jagger, with an amazing if unconvincing Irish accent, rather ineffectively played the role of 'Ned Kelly' in the 1970 film of the same name. Verdict? Forget it.
*THE BUS DRIVER'S PRAYER (by the late Ian Drury) - "Our Father, who art in Hendon, Harrow Road be thy name. Thy Kingston come, they Wimbledon in Erith as it is in Hendon. Give us this day our Berkhampstead and forgive us our Westminsters, as we forgive those that Westminster against us. Lead us not into Temple Station and deliver us from Ealing. For thine is the Kingston, the Purley and the Crawley. For Iver and Iver; Crouch End."
*NICOLO PAGANINI, the18th century violinist, was born on the same day as Britain's Vanessa-Mae. They both first saw daylight on 27 October, Paganini in 1782; Vanessa in 1978. Besides being hugely talented musically, the latter gets my vote as one of the most beautiful women on this Earth. Her natural father is Thai and she was awarded a Thai passport after a concert in Bangkok on 30 September 2002.
*QUEEN VICTORIA (again) was hardly an ardent feminist. In a letter dated 29 May 1870, she wrote, "The Queen is most anxious to enlist everyone who can speak or write to join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights" with all its attendant horrors on which her poor, feeble sex is bent, forgetting every sense of womanly feeling or propriety." My guess is that Baroness Margaret Thatcher would agree.
*THE PLANET Uranus, the most distant in our solar system, was not discovered until 13 March 1781 by Sir William Herschel.
*MORE GROANERS: (1) a fish comes flapping into a bar. The barman asks, "What would you like sir?"
The fish croaks, "Water, water! For heaven's sake - water!"
(2) Did you hear about the local policeman? Apparently he lived on Lesbie Avenue.
(3) A man attended a fancy dress party carrying a young girl on his back. To the question, "What have you come as?" he answered, "I'm a snail".
But what about the girl on his back? "Oh, she's Michelle." ("me shell" get it?)
(4) Manchester in the year 2012 - Says Romeo Beckham, "Dad, what shirt number should I wear when I get to play for Manchester United?"
David Beckham (pointing to the hallowed turf of Old Trafford): "Wear Four, out there, Romeo." (Apologies to Will Shakespeare for that one)
(5) Why are trombones like elderly parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars. davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

For all you 50 something crowd

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. People call at 9PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses
10. You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologist than the national
weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember where you read this list

Thank you David from England you 50ish person!

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