Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS was born in Genoa, Italy in 1451. He is famous for sailing west across the Atlantic Ocean in search of a trade route to Asia but landed instead on islands later renamed Columbus. He made his first trading voyage in 1475 in the Aegean Sea and reached the conclusion that the earth was smaller than previously thought. When his request to finance his expedition was rejected by the king of Portugal, Columbus moved to Spain, where his ambitious plans eventually won the support of several influential people. In April 1492 King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain agreed to sponsor his quest. Columbus’s fleet consisted of the Santa Maria, under his command, plus the Pinta and the Nina, two smaller ships. The trio sailed from Palos de la Frontera, Spain on 3 August 1492. After a somewhat hazardous voyage, when his sailors came close to mutiny, land was sighted just before dawn on 12 October. The exultant crew landed at Guanahani, and Columbus claimed the island for Spain, naming it San Salvador. He also landed on other islands, including Espanola, but the mainland of America eluded him. In January 1493 he returned to Spain, where his major sponsor, Queen Isabella, received him enthusiastically.
His second expedition, with 17 ships and over 1,200 men, set sail on 25 September 1493 and discovered the islands of Dominica, Guadeloupe and Jamaica. His colony of Isabella in what is now the Dominican Republic became the first European settlement in the Americas, and Columbus was made governor of all discovered lands. In the spring of 1494 he surveyed the coast of Cuba and in 1495 established a new capital on Espanola named Santa Domingo. His third voyage was in May 1498 where he made landfall on the island of Trinidad and visited what is now Venezuela. Arriving at Santo Domingo in August, he found part of the colony in revolt. He placated the rebels and expanded the colony’s gold-panning expeditions. But his failure to return to Spain with vast quantities of gold led to his downfall, for in May 1499 he was replaced as governor by Francisco de Bobadilla who promptly had Columbus arrested and returned to Spain. He languished in prison for two years before being pardoned. Columbus then embarked on his fourth voyage in May 1502 where he sailed to Honduras after hurricane damage to his fleet off Santo Domingo. He cruised along the coast of Central America for nearly six months in search of the elusive westward passage across the continent. In January 1503 he landed in Panama and established a settlement there.
When his ships floundered near Jamaica in June 1503, he sent to Espanola for help, but nearly a year passed before the stranded party was rescued. Queen Isabella died on 26 November 1504, robbing Columbus of his most influential friend and benefactor, and without the necessary funding for any further expeditions. His son’s biography helped re-establish Columbus as a local hero to the Spanish people before he died on 20 May 1506.
Contrary to popular belief, Columbus never discovered the mainland of North America, now known as Canada and the USA. Ridley Scott’s epic movie ‘1492, Conquest of Paradise’ (1992) pays tribute to his most important voyages. Visually stunning, and meticulous in its attention to period detail, the film deserves to be viewed on a large screen. Gerard Depardieu starred as Columbus and Sigourney Weaver as Queen Isabella.
In his day, Columbus was similar to the first astronaut, venturing out into the unknown to discover new continents. This in an era when men could be burned at the stake for such heresy as suggesting that the world was round, and that there was much of the planet left to discover. In 1992, the Admiral of the Spanish Fleet was one Christopher Columbus.
WHEN TEA first arrived in America, then a colony of Britain, many people misunderstood the concept – they consumed the leaves and poured away the water in which the leaves had been boiled.
WHILST VISITING Australia, the Pope one day found himself contemplating the beauty of a river deep in the wilds of the Northern Territory. A sudden commotion on the far shore suddenly distracted his meditation. There, in the jaws of a massive crocodile was a man clad in an All-Black jersey, desperately struggling to get free. Suddenly, three men in Wallaby jerseys roared into view on a speedboat. The first man fired a harpoon into the croc’s ribs, whilst the other two reached over and pulled the Kiwi from the river. Then, using long clubs, they beat the crocodile to death as it thrashed about madly. The three men bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious New Zealander into the speedboat along with the dead crocodile and prepared to make their way back down river.
Just then they spied the Pope, waving to them anxiously and summoning them to the riverside. Curious, they sped over and hove to. In his thick accent, the Pope said, “I give you my best Papal blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is a racist xenophobic divide between Australia and New Zealand, but now I see that this is not true. I can see that your societies are true examples of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow.” With that, he blessed them again and drove off in his Pope-mobile in a cloud of dust.
As he departed the harpoonist turned to the others and asked, “Who the hell was that?”
“That was his Holiness the Pope”, answered one of the men. “He is in direct with God and has access to all God’s wisdom.”
“Well”, the harpoonist replied, “he knows damn all about croc hunting. Now, will this bait still do, or do we need to get another one?” (Ian Fontaine, Sydney Morning Herald)
DID YOU SPOT these errors in the 2000 Dreamworks hit movie ‘Gladiator’, directed by Ridley Scott? (i) In the opening sequences, Quintas Arrias, commander of the Praetorian Guard, is seen in the battle line in Germania, giving orders. Members of the Praetorian Guard had but one assignment: to guard the Emperor of Rome. So what on earth is this guy doing there, ordering archers and artillery commanders about, and swapping one-liners with Maximus, General of the Northern Legions of Rome? His job is to defend the life of Emperor Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris), which means being by his side at all times – and nowhere else. (ii) In the Coliseum at Rome for the ‘Carthage Battle’ scene; Maximus turns to his fellow gladiators whilst David Hemmings is spouting off to the spectators, and says “Anyone here been in the army?” One man answers, “I served with you in Bintabara”. Thus, this man MUST know the identity of the mysterious gladiator known only as ‘The Spaniard”. But somehow, no one else knows! (iii) Russell Crowe is only revealed to the world as Maximus the General when he takes off his helmet at the command of Emperor Commodus after the ‘Battle of Carthage’. And somehow, the whole crowd of spectators is able to hear their tense and angry conversation down there on the arena floor. We know this because the endless chant of “Maximus! Maximus!” is taken up by spectators as Crowe and his men leave the arena. Commodus (Lucius Aurelius) was born in AD 161 and ruled Rome from AD 180 till 192. There is no evidence that he murdered his father or that he died in the arena. After a cruel and violent reign, he was poisoned by his mistress, and then strangled by a large wrestler named Narcissus after he had vomited up the poison. We also don’t know if he had an incestuous relationship with his sister Drusilla, which is strongly hinted at in ‘Gladiator’. Please don’t let any of this spoil your enjoyment of an excellent Roman-era flick, however. Ridley Scott made extensive use of CGI (Computer Generated Inserts) for some very impressive battle scenes at the beginning of the film and in the arena, where extras were ‘cloned’ to remarkable effect. Sixty men became 6,000 in one battle scene, for example. For me, one of the best performances was by Oliver Reed as ‘Proximo’, owner of a gladiator school who eventually befriends Maximus through peer respect. Sadly this was the last scene for our Ollie. The famous British hell-raiser died aged 61 whilst filming in Malta before the movie was completed and thus never lived to see the huge success that it became. The only Roman Emperor known to have died in the arena was Caligula (Giaus Gammanicus) who was murdered by members of his Praetorian Guard as he left the Coliseum as he left by the underground exit in 41 AD. They sealed off both ends of the corridor, and then cut him down with their broadswords.
BIBLICAL BOB DYLAN: “God said to Abraham, ‘Kill me a son.’
Abe said, ‘Man, you must be puttin’ me on!’ God said, ‘No.’ Abe said ‘What?’
God said, ‘You can do anything you want Abe, but – if you see me coming, you’d better run!’ Abe said, ‘Where you want this killin’ done?’
God said, ‘Way out there on Highway sixty-one!’” (Highway 61 revisited)
SPORTS QUOTE: “Aero-dynamically, the bumblebee cannot fly. But it doesn’t know this and flies anyway. If you look at a bumblebee, it’s body is really big whilst it’s wings are really small. There’s no way in the world that this thing should be able to fly, but it does. Basically I have been given this body and I’m capable of anything. Like the bumblebee, I’m only limited by my own imagination.” (Australian hurdler and 2002 Commonwealth Champion Jana Pittman on why she has a bumblebee tattooed on her stomach). I guess it makes sense to her.
GENERAL MANUEL NORIEGA (born in 1934) seized power in Panama in 1983. By 1986, his drug trafficking and money laundering activities had made him notorious. During his trial in 1992, it also emerged that Noriega had been working for Cuban Intelligence services as he made vast profits from drugs smuggled into the USA through his country. Because of the strategic importance of the Panama Canal, a federal grand jury indicted Noriega just before American forces, led by the Marine Corps, invaded the country on 19 December 1989 under Operation ‘Just Cause’. After a brief firefight, Noriega was taken into US custody and eventually sentenced to 40 years in gaol. As contracted, control of the canal was handed back to Panama on 31 December 1999.
In an attempt to shape American public opinion against the general, President George Herbert Walker Bush (senior) made a rabble-rousing speech in November 1989 denouncing Noriega as an evil gangster who was poisoning America’s youth with drugs even as he grew rich from plundering his own country.
It was all part of a US government campaign to demonise Noriega before American troops went in. But this was one speech that backfired badly. Journalists politely reminded President Bush that during his tenure as Director of Central Intelligence in 1976-77, the CIA had recruited Noriega as a valuable asset, and placed him on the federal payroll. And he had continued to swindle the CIA for years. Bush was rendered speechless. After a stunned silence, he could only mumble, “I guess we made a bad judgement call there.” You sure did, Mr President.
ENGLISH ACTRESS Elizabeth Hurley talking about her son, Damian: “He was a little reptilian when he was born. Now he’s got quite a lot of Winston Churchill in him – a big. fat, jowly thing.” Not very flattering comments from our Liz, who was once romantically linked to British comic movie star Hugh Grant. She adds, “When people see me carrying Damian in the street they think that I’m being attacked by a short bald man. But it’s just me with my fat little child.” I expect that, deep down, mum really loves him dearly.
THE CINEMA dog, Rin Tin Tin was voted the most popular performer of the year in 1926. That was the year that John Logie Baird invented television; except that there was nothing on.
DID YOU HEAR about the Egyptian boy who refused to admit that he was gay? He was thrown into de Nile (denial). Yes, it’s another groaner boys and girls.
CHARLES BLONDIN once cooked an omelette whilst standing on his tightrope over the Niagara Falls, and then proceeded to eat it.
LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL club manager Bill Shankly died on 29 September 1981. His dedication to soccer was total, and when he was once asked whether football was a matter of life and death to him, he replied, “No – it’s much more important than that.”
LIVIA DRUSILLA (Julia Augusta), the wife of Augustus Ceasar (BC63-14AD) lived to the grand old age of 71 (58BC – 29AD) which was exceptional in times when the average life expectancy was 45 years. An expert in poisons, she managed to dispose of all successors to her husband’s throne until her son Tiberius assumed the title. She even conspired with her mad nephew, Caligula (Giaus Gammanicus) to be next in succession in return for Livia becoming honoured as a goddess after her death. Predictably, Caligula laughingly reneged on this promise as Livia lay on her deathbed. But Tiberius also ensured that Caligula succeeded him, and following a bloody and tempestuous four years reign, Caligula himself was murdered by members of his own Praetorian Guard.
The conspirators who planned to kill the entire royal family and declare a new Roman republic somehow missed Caligula’s uncle Claudius, who was discovered hiding in the palace by loyal Praetorians and immediately declared Emperor. Claudius was considered to be a handy stopgap by men who just wanted to retain their jobs. But the timid man who stammered was much more intelligent than he acted, and proved to be a worthy ruler from 41 to 54 AD. Unfortunately, he was succeeded by Nero, son of his third wife Agrippina. According to author Robert Graves, Claudius willingly took the poisoned mushrooms fed to him by his scheming wife, knowing that he would die soon afterwards. Claudius also knew that Nero would be a disaster as Emperor, but hoped that his inept and cruel stepson would force Rome’s citizens to overthrow him and form a democratic republic. Just before dying, Claudius said, “Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out.” Nero did indeed plunge Rome back into the dark ages during his reign (54-68 AD).
AS A NIPPER of 17 years, I remember being intrigued by the decidedly odd-looking fringe haircut introduced by the Beatles, when the ‘fab four’ hit the big time in 1964. Till then, we youngsters all sported Elvis-style quiffs. Within a few months, however, most of us, being slaves to fashion, had Beatle haircuts! The concept was devised by Astrid Kirchner, the German girlfriend of the famous “fifth Beatle” Stuart Sutcliffe, who sadly died in 1962 just after the group had been performing in the famous red light district of Hamburg, Germany.
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

Clown Eckie delights the kids

Thailand's favourite clown had Hua Hin's children (both young and old) inraptures as he showed his skills at Hua Hin Night Plaza.

this month

regulars

stories

sports

golf

funnies

back issues