Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*A NINETY-SEVEN year old lady in Rome, Italy has run up millions of euros in traffic violations and parking fines over three years. The paper trail indicated that she had been driving two sports cars and a large 900-cc motorcycle without much regard for highway codes and traffic regulations. When police called to arrest the woman, they discovered that a local rich but spoiled young lady in her mid-twenties had purloined her identity, and was driving and riding around town in the old lady's name. We understand that Roma's finest were not amused.
*THE TIP of a Kiwi's beak is so sensitive that it can feel worms wriggling about deep underground. On the subject of Kiwis, why can't they win Olympic gold medals anymore? For a small nation, NZL has a proud past Olympic record - but it remains in the past. The last Kiwi Olympic track gold was back in 1976.
*DENMARK HAS the oldest national flag in the world; though I understand that the Welsh people may well challenge that assertion, which often comes up in quiz competitions.
*DID YOU know that minus forty degrees Centigrade is exactly the same as minus forty degrees Fahrenheit? Well, you do now.
*THE VOLUME of water in the Amazon is greater than the combined total of the next eight largest rivers in the world. Just in case somebody asks you.
*BACK IN 1969, Pierre Owono of the Cameroon was sentenced to four years in gaol for forging a personal identification document. Due to an administrative mix-up, however, he ended up serving 33 years (yes, that's thirty-three years) for the offence. His file was lost, and without it, prison administrators were unable to act and Owono could not afford to pay a lawyer. He is now finally out of prison, thanks to a TV journalist who interviewed him and ensured that his case got worldwide publicity. Owono is currently seeking compensation for this lengthy and unfair custodial term but so far without much chance of success. (BBC World Service)
*A BUM approached a well-dressed gentleman in the street. "Hey, fella. Can you spare me two dollars?" he asked. The gent replied, "If I give you five dollars, are you going to spend it on liquor?" "No sir, I don't drink", said the bum. "Good. But are you going to throw my money away on a poker game?" asked the gent. "No way, sir. I don't gamble", said the bum. "Are you going to waste my money on green fees?" "Never", said the bum, "I don't play golf." The man then invited the bum over to his house for a home cooked meal. The bum accepted eagerly. Whilst they were driving to the man's house, the bum asked, "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a down-and-out like me at your table?" "Probably", said the gent, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
*NEW DEFINITIONS of words. Pikinini - a gathering of Conservative Party chiefs to elect a new leader. Banshee - an exclusive men's club.
*BARONESS MARGARET Thatcher went into town recently to top on some self-righteousness. She returned home disappointed, as President Bush (Junior) of the USA and Prime Minister Tony Blair (GBR) had bought up all available stocks of the stuff. In fact, they had cornered the market. They are strutting the world stage these days as Mr Pious and Mr Smug.
*DURING AN international whistle-stop tour, President GW Bush and Colin Powell were sitting together in an airport lounge bar. A man walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman replied, "Yep. That's them." The man walked over to the two politicians and said, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing here?"
Bush replied, "We're planning World War Two, buddy".
"Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "We are going to bomb the hell out of Iraq. This time we are going to kill twenty million Iraqis and one big blonde woman with a very large chest."
The man exclaimed, "A blonde woman with a big chest? Why kill her?"
Bush turned to Powell, punched him on the shoulder and said, "See, smart ass. I told you that no one would give a damn about twenty million dead Iraqis!"
*FROM HEREFORD, England comes news of an explosive dog. 'Shadow' chased a stick thrown by her owner in Hampton Bishop, and ran back with a live grenade in her mouth. Gordon Husband gently eased the device from his dog's mouth before carefully taking it 1 and a half miles back to his home. He then called military bomb experts who soon arrived to defuse the grenade by setting it off harmlessly on waste ground. The spot where Shadow found the bomb is close to an abandoned army training base. "I was quite surprised by the bang it made", said Husband. "Shadow is always coming back from the river with things in her mouth - usually just rubber balls."
*NORWAY'S GENDER equality watchdog is investigating complaints that tax authorities have discriminated against female strippers by charging a higher tax rate than for men. Norwegian law defines female strippers as 'entertainers' whilst male strippers pay a lower tax rate because they are considered 'artists'. Booking agent Magnus Morland filed a complaint that the all-male American-based 'Chippendales' only had to pay a 15% artists tax during their tour of Norway recently whilst Morland's female strippers, also foreigners to Norway, were forced to part with 24% of their gross earnings whilst touring the country. "This is pure discrimination", Morland told an Oslo newspaper, "Chippendales are the highest level in male stripping, but what they do, on a larger scale, is exactly the same as what happens at a regular club catering to male customers." Owners of Pattaya's 'sexotic' go-go bars made no comment.
*PITHY QUOTES from Australian correspondent John Pilger: (a) "Henry Kissinger was awarded a Nobel peace prize in 1973 for helping to end a war (in Vietnam) that he had advocated - now that is high diplomacy." (b) "One of Margaret Thatcher's first acts on becoming British Prime Minister in 1979 was to stop shipments of powered milk being sent from Britain to Vietnam for Vietnamese orphans. This spiteful, mean-spirited little action was done purely to curry favour with the USA."
*THEME SONG for Pattaya? - "Buy, buy love" by Phil and Don Everley.
*WHEN CAPTAIN Robert Barclay won his wager to walk 1,000 miles in 1,000 successive hours at Newmarket Heath in June/July 1809, he was forced to carry a brace of pistols in his belt. This was because men who had betted against him completing the feat were quite prepared to disable or kill him to prevent him claiming the prize money of 20,000 guineas. The good captain was quite prepared to defend himself with pistol and ball if necessary. Barclay also had side bets, which netted him around 4 million pounds sterling (26.4 million baht) in today's money. He also walked his measured mile each hour with armed guards watching over him. Some miscreants shot out the gas lamps he had erected along his measured course so that he could not see his way at night.
The Flora London Marathon organisation staged a reconstruction of Barclay's historic walk in March/April 2003. Six selected contenders attempted to walk one mile each hour for just over six weeks on the famous London marathon course. The 42.195km (26.2 miles) route winds its way through London from Blackheath to Westminster. The winner was decided by the first of the six to finish the marathon itself on 13 April 2003. Seems a bit harsh to ask them to run the whole course again after they had been deprived of sleep for six weeks, living together in a tour bus. Each competitor was paid ?6 (396 baht) for every mile completed. Fittingly on a day when Paula Radcliffe beat all the British men in the Flora London marathon with an astonishing new World best of 2:15:25 (averaging 5:10 for each mile!), the winner of the 1000 miles challenge was also a woman. Shona Crombie-Hicks collected a further ?6,000 (396,000 baht) in prize money as she won by over half an hour. And due to a bet, Race Director David Bedford had to shave off his moustache! He had stated that a woman could not win the 1000 miles challenge.
*AN AMAZING contest of strength was witnessed at the Crystal Palace Sports Centre in April 1980 during an Olympic training camp. Decathlete Daley Thompson challenged Geoff Capes (British record holder in the shot putt) to a press-ups match. The challenge was to see who could perform the most without pausing, but there was a twist - each contestant had to perform their press-ups with a young girl, weighing 40 kilogrammes, crouched in the small of his back. It seemed a mismatch - the mighty Capes is almost 2 metres tall and then weighed over 150 kilogrammes to Thompson's trim measurements of 1.85m and 86kg. Capes went first and racked up an impressive total of 31 press-ups. Thompson, who always looked as if he had been carved from teak, then took the girl on board - and proceeded to win easily by managing 45 heaves before collapsing. He won the ?20 (1320 baht) wager and a pint from the astonished shot putter.
*PRESIDENT SANI Abacha of Nigeria suffered a massive heart attack and died on 8 June 1998. He had been 'discussing Uganda' with two teenage girls at the time. The huge politician aged 55 and weighing over 22 stone (140 kg), expired on top of one of the unfortunate ladies who was pinned helplessly under him. She was unable to wriggle free until staff arrived to lift Abacha's corpse off her. The official statement indicated that the two young ladies were political research assistants and that Abacha had been engaged in some 'urgent research' with them in his private quarters when he unfortunately gasped in pain and drew his last breath. I guess that rank has its privileges.
*SEEN ON a motorcycle tank in Phuket, available for rent to tourists: 'Ignore what's behind you and avoid what's ahead'.
*WHAT HAVE Arsenal FC and a three-pin plug got in common? Both are useless in Europe. davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

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