Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*FOUR AMERICAN Presidents have been assassinated over the past 138 years. The first was Abraham Lincoln (born 1809) who was shot dead by John Wilkes Booth in a Washington theatre on 15 April 1865. Next was James Abram Garfield (born 1831) who was shot by a Frenchman named Charles Giteau on 2 July 1881. Garfield lingered on in critical condition in hospital before finally expiring on 19 September 1881. Giteau himself was hanged for the murder on 30 July 1882. President William McKinley (born 1843) was next, gunned down by an anarchist in Buffalo, New York State on 6 September 1901. McKinley died from his wounds on 14 September 1901. Then comes the dramatic assassination that we oldies can all remember - John Fitzgerald Kennedy (born 1917) who was slain by rifle fire as he was driven through Dallas, Texas on 22 November 1963. He was hit at least twice by hollow-pointed rounds; one of them blasting a section of the back of his skull away, and he must have died instantly. It was reported however that he died in Bethesda Hospital some hours later, as Vice President Lyndon Baines Johnson was sworn in. One Lee Harvey Oswald was accused of the crime; though he strongly denied it and was rather conveniently shot dead by Jack Ruby in front of live TV cameras on Sunday 24 November as he left Dallas police station under armed guard. The famous Warren Commission (again perhaps rather conveniently) concluded that Oswald had acted alone.
*FROM THE above information, we can date Clint Eastwood's movie 'Unforgiven' very accurately. Our first sight of gunman 'English Bob' (Richard Harris) is the man reading about the attempted assassination of President Garfield in a newspaper as he travels alongside his biographer W W Beauchamp (Saul Rubinek) in a train to 'Big Whiskey'. He comments aloud to the other passengers how lawless the USA has become and remarks that the assassin is a Frenchman. "None of whom can shoot worth a damn", he says, "present company of course accepted." Later, he is confronted by Sheriff 'Little Bill Daggett' (Gene Hackman) who has him disarmed by his deputies. Before beating him up viciously in front of the entire town's population, Daggett asks, "Have you been talking about the Queen again? On Independence Day?" Thus we know that it is 4 July 1881, and the rest of the action stems from there. Made by Eastwood's Malpaso Company in 1992, 'Unforgiven' also stars Morgan Freeman as 'Ned Logan'. Mostly filmed in Alberta, Canada, which closely resembles the ruggedly beautiful scenery of Wyoming in 19th century America, Eastwood's work deservedly was the best picture of 1992 and won four Academy Awards. The minor roles are extraordinary also, including Jaimz Wollvert as "The Schofield Kid', Frances Fisher as 'Strawberry Alice', and Anna Thompson as 'Delilah Fitzgerald'. Kenneth Turan of the 'Los Angeles Times' hailed 'Unforgiven' as "a western of the ages." I regard it as the greatest western of all time.
*THE GALAPAGOS islands in the Pacific Ocean are the only place in the world where you will find flightless Comorants. The birds here in this inhospitable spot have not seen any predators for millions of years, and thus lost their ability to escape by flying away.
*THE BRILLIANT Austrian composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (born 27.01.1756) died from mercury poisoning in 1791 aged only 35. He had been prescribed mercury as a cure for syphilis, but imbibed too much of the stuff. Like modern day rock stars, Mozart enjoyed many 'affairs' during his hectic young life. The man's special ability was that he could write incredible music straight from his head onto paper, without any corrections, as if he was taking dictation. And his music lives on today. Truly a musical genius.
*IN WHICH movie does Sylvester Stallone say "YO!"? In every damn one of them that he appears in.
*MOVIE QUOTE: "I was going to join (Fidel) Castro in the mountains, but they say you have to bring you own gun; so I'm going to Miami Beach instead. No, it's the tragedy of the Cuban middle class, my friend. We know what should be done, but we go to Miami Beach instead! We are so paralysed by self-doubt and intellectuality. And by you. We want to be so much like you Americans when perhaps we should just be ourselves." (Tony Plana as 'Ramos' in Sydney Pollack's classic movie 'Havana', 1991).
*WHAT DID the ladyboy say to the video store assistant? "Have you got a copy of the Texas Chainsaw Mascara?" (From 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert', 1993).
WHAT DO we get when we see Victoria and David Beckham standing beside each other at his new location? Dim and Dimmer do Real Madrid.
*HERE'S A warning to you serious competitive sports people out there. A friend of mine, who visits Thailand regularly, found that 'vitamin' health drinks helped him run much faster and feel easier during his daily training runs here. He would take one sickly sweet drink an hour before his 50 minutes run at 5pm (17.00 hrs), and he breezed through them. Impressed, he took a pack of ten drinks home to England with him. Now being an international class marathon runner (best of 2:13:46), he is on the UK Doping Register, which means that he is subject to unexpected drug testing at any time. One evening, testing officers from the UK Sports Council arrived on his doorstep and requested a compulsory urine sample. He had already consumed a health drink, and added a pint of water to help him 'perform'. The urine was then divided into two separate sample bottles (A & B) as per the rules. He signed the paperwork and thought no more about it - until the test result came in three weeks later. He had tested positive for pseudo-ephedrine; a psychomotor stimulant on the prohibited list. The banned substance could only have come from his 'health' drink. Luckily, as this was an out-of-competition test he was subject to just a three months suspension period. (A positive result obtained in-competition carries an automatic two years suspension, subject to appeal). So if you are a serious athlete in any sport, beware of those 'Vitamin drinks' that people take to cure hangovers (or stay awake) here in Thailand.
*TV QUOTE: "I am of course a colossal pervert. I'll do anything to anything. But as far as my flock is concerned, my only vice is the occasional tipple before Evensong." (The baby-eating Bishop of Bath & Wells, in the BBC comedy series 'Blackadder').
*SCOTT WALKER (Noel Scott Engel, born 9 January 1943), lead voice of The Walker Brothers, was a huge pop star in the 1960's. His soaring baritone voice propelled the group to numerous hits in the UK, including 'The Sun ain't gonna shine anymore', and 'Make it easy on yourself'. He also enjoyed a remarkable solo career, but quit suddenly due to (can you believe this?) incurable stage fright. Engel is an intensely private person, and hated being recognised. He constantly moved accommodation whilst living in London due to hundreds of besotted female fans 'door-stepping' him. In 1966 Engel moved to a spacious flat in Fulham, and all seemed okay. Then, on a Saturday he called his manager to complain that "It has started again." He could hear constant screaming outside, so stayed in with his curtains drawn. His manager soon saw the 'problem'. Engel was living just by Chelsea FC at Stamford Bridge, and the shouting was from soccer fans watching a home game. His own female fans had yet to discover his new address.
*WHAT HAVE all the members of The Beatles and all members of Queen got in common? Each member of each band has written an UK number one hit single.
*QUOTE: "Like everyone else, I have to get up at 7am and go to work, but now I'm very choosy. If I have to do this, then I must do something I really like. You never retire in the movie business. It retires you." (Sir Michael Caine, talking to BBC World Service in June 2003). He also stated the most fun he had ever had in making a film was working with Sean Connery and Christopher Plummer on 'The Man who would be King' (1975), adapted from the famous novel by Rudyard Kipling, 1865-1936). If you recall, Plummer played the role of Kipling (the narrator) in this marvelous old romp of a movie.
*MOVIE QUOTE: "Careful, chief. If you dig up the past; all you get is dirty." (From Speilberg's 'Minority Report', starring Tom Cruise).
*DO YOU remember the 'Lusthogs squad' in Stanley Kubrick's 1988 movie 'Full Metal Jacket'? These macho marines described themselves as "Life takers and heart breakers". Quote from the movie: "Under fire, Animal Mother is one of the finest human beings around. All he needs is someone to throw hand grenades at him for the rest of his life."
*A CONVICTED fraudster in Austria is hoping to avoid a jail term on the grounds that is he is "too fat". The man was sentenced to three years in gaol after writing ?5 million (33 million baht) in worthless cheques. His lawyers have produced a doctor's report arguing that at over 140 kilogrammes; the 1.88m (6ft 2ins) man is too unhealthy to withstand the rigours of prison life. The Vienna public prosecutor's office is rejecting the medical report. A spokesperson said that being fat has never been an excuse for not serving a prison term. In others words - Fat chance!
*BALLOONS WERE used in the first successful human attempts at flying. Experimentation with balloon-like craft may have begun as early as 1709 with the work of Bartolomeu de Gusmao, a Brazilian priest and inventor. In 1783 Joseph and Eitenne Montgolfier confirmed that a fabric bag filled with hot air would rise. On 4 June that year they launched an unmanned balloon that travelled more than 1.5 miles (2.4km). At Versailles on 19 September 1783, they repeated the experiment with a larger balloon, sending a sheep, a rooster and a duck aloft. (My bet is that these creatures did not enjoy the experience very much!) The Frenchmen themselves were not prepared to fly in their balloons until the following year. It was rather like the 20th century Space Program - send the monkeys up first.
*HAVE YOU heard the new OJ Simpson version of the 1960's hit song by Peter, Paul and Mary? Its called "Bleeding on a Jet Plane." (If you don't get that one, I refer you to the Hua Hin Observer True Crime case of August 2002 - 'How the Juice got loose').
*PRICES CHARGED by some Go-Go bars are monstrous. I once ordered a whiskey and coke in one such nitery. The price for Thai whiskey was clearly shown as 100 baht on a posted list. A bit steep, but this is a Go-Go bar, and the customers pay for the atmosphere, I rationalised. Imagine my surprise then when the bill came to 185 baht. When I queried this, I was told that I had been charged an extra 65 baht for three splashes of Coca-Cola, plus 20 baht for two lumps of ice to go with my whiskey! This is the So-Ho/Patpong mentality - rip the punters off the first time they walk in, and don't expect 'em back. I did not leave a tip, and I have never returned to the place.
*MILITARY QUOTES: "Never destroy any illusions that your enemy may have about you. They might be your best weapons against him." (Ho Chi Minh, 1890-1969).
"In time of war, the truth is so precious that it requires a bodyguard of lies." (Winston S Churchill, 1874-1965).
"War is nothing but armed robbery writ large." (Author Tom Clancy, 'Executive Orders')
"There are no bad regiments. Just bad colonels." (Napoleon Bonaparte, 1769-1821)
"Only the dead have seen the end of war." (Plato 427-347BC)
*VISCOUNT CASTLEREAGH committed suicide on 12 August 1822 by slitting his throat with a rusty penknife. He had been severely criticised for trying to dissolve the marriage of George IV and Queen Caroline of Brunswick.
*FIDEL CASTRO (born on 13 August 1926) seized power in Cuba on 1 January 1959. His bitter enemies, the American Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) code-named him 'The Beard'. In an attempt to undermine his popularity, agents hired by a Havana-based CIA case officer planned to put hair-remover in his shoes so that his famous beard would fall out. They also tried to assassinate him by getting Castro to smoke an exploding cigar. Both of these cartoon style hair-brained schemes failed to work.
*IN 1797, one James Heatherington was fined ?50 (3,300 baht in today's prices) for wearing a top hat in public one afternoon in London. Women complained of being terrified by such a sight.
*FAMOUS SAYING of the Costra Nostra (Mafia): "If you wish to know who ordered the killing, wait to see who is the first to send flowers." (From 'Falcone', starring Chazz Palminteri and F Murray Abraham, HBO Pictures).
*MORE CRAZY quotes: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever. Because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever. But we cannot live forever. Which is why I would not live forever." (Miss Alabama in the 1994 'Miss Universe' contest. I guess that it made sense to her).
"Come on you apes! You wanna live forever?!" (Casper Van Dien as 'Johnny Rico' in Paul Verhoeven's movie 'Star Ship Troopers'. This echoes a question shouted to his squad by an unknown American infantry sergeant during World War 11 in the Pacific).
"My greatest wish is to end all the killing in the world. Hobbies - hunting and fishing." (From personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium).
"If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." (Woody Allen)
"The past is a bucket of ashes." (Poet Carl Sandburg)
"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got." (Betty Ford).
"Life is the best holiday you will ever have." (Barbara Taylor Bradford - oh yeah? Tell that to the Palestinians, Chechens and the Burmese people, Barbara).
Anonymous quotes: "Life is a terminal illness, so make each day as meaningful as possible." "Laugh alone and the world thinks that you're an idiot." "You never get a second chance to make a first impression." "Today's procrastination may be tomorrow's regret." "I do not need more knowledge; but I do need more wisdom." "We are all just transit passengers in a large, confusing airport." "Don't tiptoe through life in order to make it safely to death." And finally: "Here's to drinking triples, seeing double, and staying single."

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

SEX AT 100 mph OK in Berlin!

It is not an offence in Germany, to engage in a sexual act driving on the motorway at 100 mph a Berlin court ruled recently, however if you hit something, don’t run away.
A man was making love to a hitchhiker when he drove his car into a road sign, he and the hitchhiker (maybe it should read hitchhooker), then “fled the scene”.
The driver, a 23 year old man was quickly tracked down through his registration number plate, said: “I don’t know her name, but she left all her clothes behind”.

DARWIN AWARDS - are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity - they are now in for 2003.

First Place - When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. . . . . . This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home'ssewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Hail Caesar

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colliseum.
"Friends,Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious". The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar" Brutus turns to his mate and says " He disnae half talk some rubbish eh"
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conqured France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls". The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus says to his mate, " What a load of cobblers, I'm gonnae check this oot". So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those clowns out". The crowd are up on their feet.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts " Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there tae check it oot and ye only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says

--- Aye but away Gauls count double in Europe !!!

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