Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

WHICH British international sprinter had her throat slashed by Russell Crowe? Answer - Jennifer Stoute from Bromley, Southeast London. Jenny represented Great Britain in the 1988 and 1992 Olympics, and was listed as a stunt extra in the 2000 Dreamworks hit movie 'Gladiator'. In the famous 'Battle of Carthage' scene in Rome's arena, she was one of the chariot-mounted female archers dressed in gold armour representing the Roman Legions of Scipio. We see Jenny shoot an arrow at our hero 'Maxiums' (Crowe) as he charges towards her on a captured horse. The arrow misses, and Maximus cuts her down with his broadsword as he gallops past. Poor old Jenny then tumbles backwards in slow motion out of the chariot to die on the arena sand. Oddly enough, Jenny Stoute also starred as 'Rebel' in the dreadful UK Saturday evening TV series known as 'Gladiators'. In this, members of the viewing public were invited to tackle muscle-bound male and female 'Gladiators' wearing plastic armour in various ridiculous events. Tedious viewing for most people over the age of eight, in my view. But who am I to judge? The series was pretty successful, and many of the 'Gladiators', (especially the bad guy known as 'Wolf'), became household names in Britain.
OTHER sports shorts: Tennis star Venus Williams (USA) has a top serve recorded at 203 kilometres per hour. That's just 10 km/hr slower than her male colleague Andre Agassi. Former British Boxing star Joe Bugner was an English Schools Champion back in 1967 - at the Discus event. Bugner gave up the 7-ft (2.13m) circle for the square ring.
THE FIRST American to win Cycling's coveted 'Tour de France' title was Greg Lemond in 1986. He won the overall category again in 1989 and 1990. The last man to win all three major jerseys in 'Le Tour' was Belgian Eddy Merckx who in 1969 collected the famed Yellow (overall winner), plus the Green (sprints) and Polka Dots ('King of the Mountains') vests. No Briton has ever won Le Tour in 100 years and 90 races. Perhaps the toughest endurance event in modern sport, the race was not held during war years, and the total distance is around 3,500 kilometres. The 2003 Centenary race saw a bitter struggle between champion Lance Armstrong (USA) and 1997 winner Jan Ullrich (Germany). It went down to the wire - the final Time Trial on Saturday 26 July, the day before Le Tour finally ended in Paris. The pair took off 3 minutes apart, with Ullrich just 65 seconds down on overall time. There was nothing in it for 15km, which both men covered in 15:42 - a fantastic average of 57.3 km per hour! After gaining 6 seconds on Armstrong, Ullrich crashed heavily just after 32.5km on a wet road that had become like a skating rink. Armstrong stayed on his wheels to gain 11 seconds and his fifth straight title as the stage win went to Briton David Millar, who had clocked 54:05 (averaging 54.38km/hr) for the 49 kilometres of treacherous macadam. It brought back memories of the 1989 race when Lemond defeated Laurent Fignon (France) in the final Time Trial to win in Paris by just 8 seconds, the smallest winning margin in Tour history. Despite the spectre of drug abuse, Le Tour has to be the most colourful event in modern sport.
A MAN who ended his marriage after just ten days became his ex-wife's stepfather when he married her mother. Confused? So am I. George Greenhowe (aged 22) married Pat Smith (44) in Arbroath, Scotland last April. His ex-wife Allison (20) acted as a bridesmaid. Until recently, the three lived under the same roof in Abroath, and Allison moved back in with her father Allan (46) because there was no room in the council house she shared with her mother, ex-husband and pets, including an Alsatian, five pups, two cats and a parrot. Pat says that Allison has forgiven her for taking her husband away.
ODD QUOTES: 'Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly return it or further steps will be taken.' (On an office notice board).
"If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say." (New York Islander Chico Resch).
"The President has kept all of the promises that he intended to keep." (Clinton aide George Stephanopolous talking on 'Larry King Live')
"It seems pretty ridiculous to me that people can be so emotional about how you kill people. What's so bad about napalm anyway?" (Pilot at Danang Air Force Base, Vietnam in 1970)
"I cannot tell you how grateful I am. In fact, I am filled with humidity." (Texas Speaker of the House)
"Wrist Wrestling is 90 per cent strength and 40 per cent technique." (World Wrist Wrestling Champion John Walker)
'If crime went down 100 per cent, it will still be 50 times higher than it should be." (Washington DC Councilman John Bowman)
"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game; and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left." (England Soccer Captain David Beckham)
"She's got talent and personality. Give me two years with her and I'll make her an overnight star." (Producer Harry Cohn)
"I have nothing to say. And I'll only say it once". (Maple Leaf Coach Floyd Smith)
"I think that we are on the road to coming up with the answers to questions that I don't think any of us feel we have the answers to." (Mayor Kim Anderson, Naples, Florida)
"If I told you the truth, I'd be a hypocrite." (Director Michael Curtis)
"If I go down, I'm going down standing up." (Indiana Pacers Basketball player Chuck Pierson)
"The farmer allows walkers to cross this field for free. But the bull charges." (Notice in a field in Sussex, England)
"I shall answer in the affirmative with an emphatic 'NO!'" (Sir Boyle Roche, British politician)
"Serving suggestion - defrost before eating." (On a Swann frozen dinner box)
"A billion here; a billion there. Sooner or later it adds up to real money." (Everett Dirksen)
"I was not lying. I just said some things that later on proved to be untrue." (Former US President Richard Nixon)
"I'd fight him for nothing if the price was right!" (Boxer Marlon Starling)
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear errings." (Footballer Torrin Polk talking about his University of Houston team coach John Jenkins)
"I have not reneged on my promise - I have just changed my mind." (NY political candidate Pierre Rinfret)
"We don't necessarily discriminate; we simply exclude certain types of people." (ROTC Lieutenant Colonel Gerald Wellman - ROTC: Reserve Officer Training Corps)
The Pepsi Corporation slogan 'Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation' translated into 'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave' in Chinese.
"Ride due west until the sun sets. Turn left at the Rocky Mountains." (Advice given to Jeremiah Johnson/Robert Redford when he asked where to go to be become a 'mountain man' in Sydney Pollack's classic 1972 movie 'Jeremiah Johnson')
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Kentucky Basketball player Winston Bennett)
"Mike Andrews' limits are limitless." (Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark)
"I don't think you are going to see a great uproar in this country about the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic headquarters in Watergate." (President Richard Nixon in 1972)
"There will be no whitewash - in the Whitehouse." (Nixon again. He resigned in disgrace in August 1974)
"I have not committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." (New York City mayor David Dinkins)
"Millions of people who have never died before will be killed." (Star Trek Captain James T Kirk)
"Some of the facts are true, some are distorted, and some are basically untrue." (US State Department spokesman)
"People should buy thousands of these and save them for their ancestors." (Journalist Peter Hamill)
"I never set out to hurt anybody deliberately unless it was, you know, important - like a League Game or something like that." (Football linebacker Dick Butkus)
"Those who died in the earthquake - their lives will never be the same again." (Senator Barbara Boxer)
"My friends, I desire that you make a postmortem examination of my body and find out what ails me as I am dying to know what my disease is." (James Smithson on his deathbed)
"We are going to turn this team around 360 degrees!" (Basketball player Jason Kidd on his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks)
"Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before." (Former US President Gerald Ford)
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only some nasty people who make them unsafe." (Mayor of Philadelphia Frank Rizzo)
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass - and I'm just the one to do it." (Massachusetts State Senator John Parker)
"The motion is resolved unanimously with just one dissenting voice." (Irish Board of Guardians announcement)
"Elevate those guns a little lower." (President Andrew Jackson)
"The carrying of concealed weapons is prohibited except when they are exhibited to public view." (State law in Pocatello, Idaho)
"You're a parasite for sore eyes." (Actor Gregory Ratoff to Slyvester Stallone)
SPOTTED IN a video/DVD store in Thailand: the complete set of BBC's brilliant 'Blackadder' TV series of the 1980's, starring Rowan Atkinson. As the later name means nothing to Thais, the covers proudly displayed the name 'Mr Bean'. Of course all Thais have heard of Mr Bean through Atkinson's superb visual gags which have made him a rich man over the last few years. Alas, the series was dubbed into Thai (no English soundtrack). I may be wrong, but I suspect that the savage sarcastic humour of 'Blackadder' scriptwriters like Ben Elton does not translate too well into the Thai language. No one can verbalise biting but understated sarcasm quite like the British.
MORE QUOTES: "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." (Woody Allen)
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." (Steve Martin)
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson)
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst them is the Mercedes-Benz SLK 230 convertible." (Jeremy Clarkson)
"If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all his impersonators would be dead." (Johnny Carson)
"There's Jan Ullrich. And today we'll see if he has on the same set of legs that he had on yesterday." (Paul Sherwen commentating on 2003 Centenary Tour de France)
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." (Jerry Seinfeld)
"It's so long since I've had sex that I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers)
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from the Indians. There were great numbers of settlers who needed new land the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it all for themselves." (John Wayne)
"Toilet out of order. Please use the floor below." (Notice in a London office block toilet door)
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." (Former US President Calvin Coolidge 1872-1933)
"It just goes to prove that any idiot can win an Olympic gold medal." (1980 Olympic 800m Champion Steve Ovett when asked what the title meant to him)
"Outside of all the killings, DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the USA." (Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry)
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." (General William Westmoreland, MACV, Vietnam)
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone doing so will be prosecuted." (Sign at a railway station in Kent, England)
"I will bring down my foot with a strong hand." (Saddam Hussein)
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." (Senator Orrin Hatch)
"Since the government has let the cat out of the bag, there's nothing to do now but take the bull by the horns." (British MP Jeremiah McVeagh)
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." (California Governor Jerry Brown)
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." (Boxing promoter Dan Duva talking about Mike Tyson)
"Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer." (Georgia Governor Lester Maddox)
"For murder, you get ten years. For marriage, you get a life sentence." (Leo McKern/Horace Rumpole in 'Rumpole of The Bailey')

davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

The Handy Woman

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Fancy a new pet?

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hungthe bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her and said: “New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home
from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

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