Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

MILITARY HISTORY is full of tragic blunders. The foolhardy but courageous Charge of the Light Brigade during the Crimean War is a classic example. British and French forces joined together for the first time in history to prevent any further Russian advances towards the ailing Ottoman Empire. The new allies sent a military force to capture the Russian Czar's naval base at Sebastopol, at the southern tip of the Crimean peninsular. Leading the expedition was Britain's Lord Raglan, a senile geriatric who had fought in the Napoleonic Wars. The combined army landed on 14 September 1854 about 40 miles north of Sebastopol, and following a brief battle, the allies established a strong foothold before moving forwards towards Raglan's target. Between them and the objective lay the small town of Balaclava which the Russians had defended with heavy artillery. And between the two forces was a broad valley flanked by undulating hills, with rising ground at the southern end. The Russians had gun emplacements along the sides and a strong detachment of heavy cannons at the southern end of this valley.
The British cavalry included the Heavy Brigade under the Earl of Lucan; a direct ancestor of the lord who disappeared in November 1974 after his child minder was murdered. Commanding the Light Brigade was the Earl of Cardigan, a somewhat foppish aristrocrat who liked to dine nightly in his yacht anchored nearby in the Black Sea - it was that sort of war. The incessant childish bickering between the two British cavalry commanders was an annoyance to Raglan and provoked contempt from junior officers. Lucan and Cardigan simply detested each other.
After getting hammered in a skirmish with the Heavy Brigade, the Russians began to remove some of their guns from the west when they observed a buildup of allied forces at the end of the valley. From his vantage point high up on the heights, Raglan sent an order to Cardigan of the Light Brigade to stop the Russians from redeploying. This order was conveyed by a Captain Nolan. Now the latter had a seething hatred for Cardigan, who was rumoured to have once bedded Nolan's young wife. The order was duly conveyed, but the noble lord was unable to see the gun emplacements in the hills; only the heavy artillery about a mile away at the far end of the valley. Cardigan uncharacteristically queried the order, asking "What enemy? What guns?" Nolan shouted back at him sarcastically, "There my lord, is your enemy! There are his guns!" With that, he gave a flamboyant gesture with his right arm.
Cardigan then assembled his regiment and the 670 odd men and horses of the Light Brigade began a steady advance along the ground that Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809-1892) was later to call "the valley of death" in his epic poem. After several minutes, Nolan suddenly galloped ahead of Cardigan in a highly agitated state. The young captain gesticulated wildly at the earl until he was suddenly torn apart by a piece of shrapnel and fell dead. Cardigan simply viewed the incident as a piece of dire insolence and proceeded to lead his men at a quickening pace into the valley. It was lances and sabres against shot and shell, and soon became a suicide mission as the Russian guns opened up. Firing from left, right and directly ahead, the artillery wreaked appalling carnage among the British cavalry. Cardigan, with typical upper class British lunacy, never looked back and ordered his men to charge on at full gallop. Eventually he and several others actually reached the Russian lines to slash and stab a few enemy gunners with their sabres. But barely 200 British troopers survived the deadly Russian fire. Cardigan may have been a hopeless officer and a notorious rake, but he was certainly no coward.
Surely Raglan and especially Nolan should have realised that Cardigan could not see the guns that they had in mind? Was Nolan vainly attempting to inform Cardigan that he was advancing on the wrong artillery? Could the whole incident have been avoided but for that stray piece of shrapnel that felled Nolan before he could convince the haughty Earl of Cardigan to turn back? We will never know. But the engagement (on 25 October 1854) did throw up one great quote: during the battle the French commander, Marshal Bosquet observed the carnage in the valley below and turned to Lord Raglan, saying, "Sir, this is magnificent, but it is not war!" (Research, 'The Battle of Blunder' by Ron Stebbing).
SPORTS QUOTES: "To clear the bar, you have to get over it." (South African High Jumper Hestrie Cloete, the 2003 World Champion).
"We'll do okay if we just capitalise on our mistakes." (Texas Ranger's player Mickey Rivers).
"You can't just let nature run wild." (Alaska Governor Walter Hickel explaining why he wanted the state to kill hundreds of timber wolves).
"Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses." (Denver Basketball star David Thompson).
"I want to gain 1500 or 2000 yards, which ever comes first." (New Orleans running back George Rogers)
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in out heads." (Basketball player Vlade Divac).
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." (Former British Foreign Minister Ernest Bevin).
"If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all." (Forestry expert and former US President Ronald Reagan).
"Half the lies our opponents tell us are not true." (Sir Boyle Roche).
"A gun is a recreational tool like a golf club or a tennis racket. You can kill someone with a golf club you know." (NRA official Martel Lovelace).
"I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio." (Former President Gerald Ford).
*WHAT IS the most depressing place you have ever visited? For me, it is Snodland in Kent, Southeast England. Snodland on a cold and wet Sunday afternoon in December has got to be the one of the most desolate inhabited spots on Earth. To paraphrase Frank Sinatra: "Snodland - so bad they named it once."
THE FRENCH chemist Louis Pasteur (1822-1895) who pioneered the idea of pasteurization, was obsessive about personal hygiene and often refused to shake hands with anyone he happened to be introduced to.
DID YOU know that water freezes faster if it is cooled from a warm temperature than it does from a colder one?
A MAN claiming to be a vampire says that he hopes to demolish the famous Banbury Cross in Oxfordshire to "attract more creatures of the night into town". He wanted people to vote for him in a by-election last summer. Johnny Wood stood as a candidate for the Monster Raving Loony Party in local council elections. "The cross scares a lot of vampires away," he said. "I would also like to introduce a music festival to Banbury, where we will ask the audience to pay by donating blood instead of cash."
Wood added that he himself could go near the cross without shielding his eyes or getting burned as he was, in fact, only half vampire (rather like 'Angel' from the TV series). Mr Wood claims to be increasing voters' potential because there is no other party in Britain that allows people with unusual views to stand for election. A spokesman for the council said, "Anything that encourages interest in local democracy is welcome. If Mr Wood is elected, I'm sure that he will feel very at home as there are already plenty of monsters and loonies on the town council here." (Banbury Herald)
DERYL MILES (55) allegedly kidnapped a cat and held it hostage after the creature wandered into his yard. He was arrested on misdemeanor larceny charges for trapping the cat, named Brunswick, in a wooden shed behind his mobile home. Surrounded by police, Miles called a local newspaper to say that he had taken the cat quite legally because it was trespassing on his property. Miles refused to release the cat and was arrested after leading officers on a short chase around his yard. The cat's owner, Leah Vader, says that she called police after hearing Brunswick howling from the shed next door. According to court documents, a person has the right to call animal control if they have an unwanted animal on their property, but citizens don't have the right to hold any creature for ransom. Prior to being arrested, Miles is said to have told local police that he had demanded a ransom of fifty US dollars for the safe return of Brunswick to Ms Vader. (LA Times)
GEORGE CAME home one day and found his wife in bed with his best friend. He shot his wife dead but gave his dog a reprieve.
HISTORICAL QUOTE: "Live your life as though you will live forever, and each day as though it will be your last. Always both at once." (Alexander the Great, 356-323BC to his lover Hephaestion).
NEWS CLIPPINGS: Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible that Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (Daily Telegraph).
Police revealed that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami stuffed into her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(Manchester Evening News).
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. The van is a special branch vehicle and police admit that they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian).
After being charged for an overdraft, Michael Howard (30) of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank PLC are Fascist Bastards'. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69 pence balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian).
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common." (London Times).
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. The coastguard replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it would help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express).
Mrs Irene Graham of Harrington Villas, Brighton, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler!" (Brighton Evening Argus).
POTPOURRI OF SIGNS: "Friends don't let friends take home ugly men." (Women's restroom, Dewey Beach).
"Beauty is only a light switch away." (Perkins Library, Duke University).
"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives!" (Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC).
"Remember - it's not "How high are you?" It's "Hi, how are you?" (Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia).
"At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry." (Bentley's Coffee House, Tucson, Ar).
"It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere." (Back of bus at Wickenburg, Az).
"Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!" (Women's restroom at Bozeman, Mt.)
"If voting could really change things, it would be illegal." (Revolution Books, New York).
"A woman's rule of thumb: if it has tyres or testicles you are going to have trouble with it." (Women's restroom in Dallas, Tx).
"If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!" (Men's restroom at senate, Washington DC).
"You're too good for him." (Sign over mirror in women's washroom in Beverly Hills, Ca.) "No wonder you always go home alone." (Sign over mirror in men's restroom, Beverly Hills).
"You can trust a woman's taste in everything except men." (Sign in toilet in Streatham, South London).
"Lord Lucan - please call your wife!" (Message in toilet in Westminster, London).
GROANER: What did Bob Marley sing when his wife left him the day the television set blew-up? "No woman. No Sky."
NOTICE: "Dogs have owners. Cats have staff." (Sign in a Veterinary hospital in Gillingham, Kent).
CORRECTION: In my True Crime article on the Ruth Ellis case (August 2003 issue), I moved Ruth's birthplace of Rhyl to South instead of North Wales. As you can guess, I failed my Geography exams at school.
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

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