New Year 

What is it that makes normally polite members of society, who sip sherry and fiddle with delicacies the rest of year, go out and drink four pints of industrial strength tequila, dance naked on tables in front of complete strangers, and even eat the mescal-sodden worm out of the bottle?
Answer? New Year's Eve.
It's the one night of the year when the energy of 12 full moons melt into one, the plot is optional, and the director is called Mr. Excess. It's the night when love is a verb. It's the night that we deliberately go out of control, and do things that are spectacular enough to be worth exaggerating about later.
I was safely back in my cave - having just taken the mammoths out for a late night pee- when the old year was still receiving it's last rites. My genius of a girlfriend was already brilliantly asleep.
Suddenly, her tail twitched, and dressed only in moonlight and inspiration, she told me to lie down. She then proceeded to wheel out her now invention for the New Year; a homemade, pedal-driven, acupuncture applicator.
" It's only a prototype," She hissed. " Why have you turned pale?"
" Ha! I'm not afraid of that !" I replied haughtily. " I've seen more frightening things fall out of a cheeseburger.
Later, the hospital nurses were sympathetic-but giggled just the same-as I lay drugged, hostile, and sore. Down the ward, I heard my girlfriend trying to convince an incredulous doctor to use solar power to regulate my drip-fed morphia. As her voice rose to an elegant shriek-mangling perfectly respectable grammar along the way-stray dogs began to roll over and cover their ears, while sensitive medical equipment blinked on, blinked off, and then blacked out.
I remember the doctor running away, chased by flames. I remember a hissing sound, and I really don't remember anything else.
I came to at home. She was peering at me through a large magnifying glass.
" Facial astrology, " she said, as though answering a question. " To ascertain your fortune in the coming year."
It turned out that Saturn was in the ascendant, the moon was somewhere else entirely, and my grammar was shipwrecked on the wrong side of a passing comet.
However, something was moving in the right direction because she murmured seductively in my ear, " Is that a work permit in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"
It's hard to make resolutions for a new year when you are full of holes and can't even remember the last one. But under the intense gaze, I promised my pretty little firemaker that I would:
Look up every word I didn't understand, starting with the word " budget."
When noticing " Suggested Price " labels in Sukhumvit shop windows, immediately go inside and make a suggestion to the person who suggested it.
Keep my passport ready and the engine running.
Buckle my swash more often.
Send car stickers of sympathy to friends in Australia which read,
" IF YOU MUST DRINK AND DRIVE, TRY TO DO IT WHEN THE HEALTH MINISTER IS CROSSING THE STREET."
Promise to stop cashing God's cheques because they always bounce.
Then there was a sharp crack as the magnifying glass connected with my skull. " Oh, and to light my baby's fire everyday…," I added quickly.
She hissed me a " Happy New Year," slithered alongside, and handed me her two favourite creations; a scale - massager, and a bottle of uncoiling lotion. I have to say that when I got to work with them, old acquaintances were completely forgotten.

By Roger Beaumont
  Available at Bookazine

Death on Elm Street

Who really shot JFK in Dallas on 22 November 1963?
By David Cocksedge

THE PRESIDENT of the United States of America is widely acknowledged to be the most powerful man in the world. These men have been feted and reviled as modern versions of Roman Emperors, with enormous powers and responsibilities. The youngest to be elected was John Fitzgerald Kennedy, born in Massachusetts on 29 May 1917. He won a hotly contested 1960 election from former Vice President Richard Milhouse Nixon, and was sworn in as President in January 1961. Kennedy was the fourth American President to be slain whilst still in office. The fateful date was 22 November 1963, and he died in Dallas, Texas, the home state of his Vice President Lyndon Baines Johnson.
In the winter of 1962 a young man named Lee Harvey Oswald purchased a bolt-action, clip-fed 6.5mm Mannlicher-Carcano rifle (serial number C2766) under the assumed name of 'Alek Hidell'. He obtained the weapon, (plus later a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver) by mail order to Kleins Sporting Goods store in Chicago. The weapon was duly sent to Oswald's box office address in Dallas. He sent off a money order for $21.45 for the rifle, plus a telescopic sight of 4X magnification.
Oswald was born in New Orleans in 1939, and joined the US Marine Corps at the age of 17 in 1956. He defected to the USSR in 1959 after a dishonourable discharge from the USMC, and returned to the USA in the spring of 1962 with his Russian wife Marina and young daughter. His wife gave birth to a second daughter in October 1963, by which time she and her husband were separated after many bitter arguments. Oswald obtained a menial job as a store-man at the Texas schoolbook depository in Dallas. The following month he was charged with the assassination of JFK two days before he himself died violently whilst in police custody.
Those are the bare facts. Now let's examine the most infamous crime of the 20th century in more detail. Kennedy and his wife Jacqueline were visiting Dallas and he was sitting beside Jackie in an open limousine in a long motorcade. Texas Governor John Connally and his wife were seated in front of the Kennedys, with the governor directly in front of the president. Two Secret Service agents were in the limo's front seat. At 12.31pm local time, just after the president's car had turned from Houston Street onto Elm Street in Dealey Plaza, a shot was fired from the sixth floor of the Texas school book depository building, which was on their right, roughly 265 feet away behind the cavalcade.
Less than a second after Kennedy's limousine passed beneath an oak tree on the northwest end of Elm Street, Kennedy clutched his throat with both hands. Jackie, seated to his left, quickly turned to her husband in alarm. Governor Connally showed clear signs of having been struck by a bullet about half a second after Kennedy reached for his own throat. This first shot went through Kennedy's neck from behind, bruised his right lung, ripped his windpipe, and exited at his throat, nicking the knot of his tie. The same round carried on through Connally's back, through his chest, shattered his right wrist as he waved his hat, and nicked his left thigh. Seconds later, horrified witnesses saw Kennedy's head explode and he slumped into his wife's arms. As the limousine sped off towards Parkland Hospital, Jackie Kennedy crawled over the back of the vehicle to pull a Secret Service agent on board. He had been desperately clinging onto the tailgate as the vehicle suddenly picked up speed as driver Bill Greer made a dash to Parkland Memorial Hospital. Doctors at Parkland laboured hard to save Kennedy's life, but it was a losing battle. He had obviously been virtually dead on arrival. Lyndon Johnson, who had also been in the motorcade in a following vehicle, took the oath of office later that afternoon, and the USA suddenly had a new (36th) President.
There was an unseemly scuffle at Parkland when local Dallas officials tried to keep the body for autopsy, in accordance with state law - any violent death in Texas must be investigated locally. Kennedy's entourage of SS agents, acting on his widow's orders, brushed these men aside and took the casket to Love Airfield, where it was flown aboard Air Force One to Washington, and then taken to Bethesda Naval Hospital. Angry words and blows were exchanged. When Lyndon Johnson and his staff also boarded the aircraft, it created tension for everyone concerned, still in shock from the assassination.
Meanwhile Oswald left the sixth floor of the book depository, and exited onto Elm Street by the main door just before Dallas Police stormed the building and discovered his sniper's perch. Taking a bus and cab, he arrived at his rooming house at about 1pm, where he collected his revolver. He was stopped by patrolman J P Tippit a few minutes later, and panicking, shot the policeman dead. He then fled into a movie theatre, where he was arrested minutes later. He was first interrogated by Forrest Sorrels of the Secret Service and James Hosty of FBI at the Dallas Police station where he strenuously denied assassinating the president. On Sunday, 24 November, Oswald was shot by nightclub owner Jack Ruby as he was being taken through the basement of Dallas police headquarters in front of live TV cameras. Thus the world never got to hear Oswald's story. Before dying, he had shouted to the press that he was a "patsy", and had been "set up". Ruby died from cancer whilst awaiting a second trial in 1967.
At Bethesda, a hurried autopsy took three hours to complete. Unfortunately a vain attempt to perform a tracheotomy at Parkland had removed the exit wound at Kennedy's throat. A fragment of skull, which had been retrieved on Elm Street, was flown east by federal agents, and was also examined. The head wound was extensive, consistent with a hollow-pointed or mercury-tipped round, blasting through his forehead from the left, and exiting at the right side of the back of his head. (Such bullets are designed to open out, or explode on impact, so that they make a large and messy exit wound). The Warren Commission's finding, however, was that this was an ENTRY wound, and had been fired by Oswald in his perch on the sixth floor of the Texas school book depository (TSBD).
Now a garment manufacturer named Abraham Zapruder had used his new cine camera to shoot 18.24 seconds of footage on Elm Street in Dealey Plaza as the President's motorcade passed him. The 334 frames of cine footage, taken at just over 18 frames per second, must be the most viewed and hotly debated film clip in history. They show Kennedy's violent death in horrific detail.
The second head shot struck Kennedy on Zapruder's film at frame 313. As he had been moving forward just before this, the Warren Commission speculated that the shot had come from behind him (just as Oswald's first round had). But close analysis of the movie by expert Anthony Marsh showed that all six occupants of the car moved forward at the same moment, indicating that the vehicle slowed, and they moved by inertia. This is indeed what happened - agent Bill Greer, hearing the first shot, took his foot off the gas, slowing the limo from 12 to 8mph, and looked around. A second later Kennedy's head
was snapped back and to the right as part of the back of his skull was blown away. Jackie Kennedy was showered with blood and the brain matter of her husband. Marsh also linked a 'sound track' to Zapruder's visual footage. This was possible because a Dallas motorcyclist jammed his dictabelt tape machine on just before the shots started, and recorded several minutes of sound in Dealey Plaza during those fateful minutes. Many witnesses testified to hearing a shot coming from the left of the motorcade, about 120 feet away where there was a grassy knoll in front of a picket fence. This would be entirely consistent with a bullet striking Kennedy's head from the left front, as the limo moved further away from the TSBD, which was to the right and behind. Now Oswald could not have fired this shot (frame 313) as at that moment his view of the president's vehicle on Elm Street was blocked by the branches and leaves of an oak tree in front of the building from which he was sniping.
Zapruder's cine camera was also unable to capture the strike of the first shot, as his lens was obscured by a large sign indicating the way to Stemmons Freeway at the north western end of Elm Street (frames 206 to 210) as the presidential limo drove past him. But his footage clearly shows it's immediate effect: both Kennedy and Connally reacting to being hit by a bullet. This was later found in the stretcher on which Connally was lifted and taken into Parkland Hospital, having presumably lodged in his left thigh and then fallen. It was in almost pristine condition - not consistent with a 6.5mm round that had passed through the flesh, bone, sinew and muscle of two bodies before stopping. Such a bullet would be flattened and warped out of shape. Thus it became the infamous "magic bullet" to the many critics of the Warren Commission appointed by LBJ.
The chrome topping of the presidential limo and the windshield were also hit and cracked. This was either a miss by Oswald (the Warren Commission speculated that he fired three shots, missing once, and hit Kennedy twice), or was caused by a fragment from the fatal headshot. Many witnesses were certain that they heard gunfire from the area of the grassy knoll, possibly from the fence immediately behind it. This would be a perfect sniper's perch, putting Kennedy in a deadly crossfire - Oswald firing from above and behind to the right, and another sniper shooting from ahead and to the left. Zapruder testified that a shot had come from behind him and whistled past his right ear.
On 29 November 1963 President Johnson appointed a special commission to investigate the assassination under Justice Earl Warren. The Warren findings on 24 September 1964 largely supported the FBI's report. These were that: (a) Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. (b) There was no conspiracy. (c) Oswald fired three shots, hitting Kennedy twice and missing once. (d) Oswald also killed officer J Tippit. (e) Jack Ruby's subsequent killing of Oswald was a spontaneous act caused by Ruby's professed desire to spare Jackie Kennedy the ordeal of an Oswald trial. (f) Ruby had no significant ties to the Mafia and did not kill Oswald to silence him on behalf of a conspiracy.
The House Select Committee on Assassinations published its own findings in January1979, and these contrasted sharply with The Warren Commission. The committee decided that: (a) Kennedy was probably killed as a result of a conspiracy. (b) Four shots, not three, were fired that afternoon in Dealey Plaza. (e) One shot was fired from the area of the grassy knoll, and may have been the fatal shot. (f) Jack Ruby had significant ties to organised crime. (g) Oswald's killing was not a spontaneous act but had the appearance of a hit designed to silence him.
(h) The Warren Commission failed to adequately investigate the possibility of a conspiracy. (i) The FBI and CIA were deficient in supplying the commission with information in their possession that related to the president's assassination. (j) The security arrangements for the Dallas motorcade were insecure. (k) The pathologists who performed Kennedy's hurried autopsy in Bethesda Hospital failed to perform a proper medical-legal autopsy. (l) Mafia boss Carlos Marcello may have been involved in the assassination plot.
In the 40 years since President Kennedy's assassination, conspiracy theories have abounded. These include speculation that the FBI and CIA plus the Pentagon and the Mafia (!) conspired to remove Kennedy in order to escalate the gathering war in Vietnam, (which Johnson certainly did in March 1965). Another wild speculation is that driver Greer was involved in the assassination plot, deliberately slowing the presidential vehicle down just before the fatal shot! One thing is clear, however: the 'magic bullet' was surely planted.
The best marksmen in the FBI tried to duplicate what Oswald was alleged to have done from the 6th floor northeast window of the TSBD on 22 November 1963. None of them could achieve two hits on a moving target in 5.6 seconds, using an identical bolt-action rifle. Oswald had been no more than an average shot in the Marines, where he fired his M-1 carbine on the rifle range in San Diego. He denied everything, and his motives for attempting to kill President Kennedy have never been made clear, though there is of course plenty of speculation, especially as Oswald was resident in the USSR from 1959 to 1962, and shot officer Tippit after the assassination. A witness named Howard Brennan actually saw him fire his second shot at Kennedy's car.
In his martyrdom, President Kennedy achieved virtual sainthood. He has been portrayed as a virile, handsome young national leader, brimming with health and idealism. In fact, he had severe pain from a chronic back injury, requiring constant medical attention. He and Jacqueline strode the world stage as a happily married couple, whilst Kennedy insiders and the press pool knew that she was deeply troubled by his insatiable promiscuity; a common trait, it would seem, among Kennedy males. (Bill Clinton, president from 1992 to 2000, did not enjoy such press silence regarding his own sexual misdeeds). Kennedy had been a genuine World War 11 hero, beloved by millions, though many critics despised the 'Catholic Irish Mafia', which had helped Kennedy face down Russian Premier Nikita Kruschev over the Cuban Missile crisis in October 1962.
The curse of the Kennedys continued to pursue them. Former Attorney General Robert Kennedy (1925 - 1968) was assassinated in Los Angeles on 6 June 1968 just after gaining the Democratic nomination. Edward Kennedy (born in 1932) saw his presidential hopes drown with Mary Jo Kopechne at Martha's Vineyard in July 1969; and John Fitzgerald Kennedy Junior (born in 1960) died when the light aircraft he was piloting mysteriously crashed into the sea off Cape Cod in August 1999. Anyone noting all this could be excused for concluding that the Kennedy family is either dogged by ill fortune or some very powerful people did not want to see another Kennedy in charge.
I suspect that we will never know just who did shoot President Kennedy. But it is certain that apart from Oswald there was at least one expert marksman, shooting from the area of the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza, about 120 feet away and to the left of Kennedy's car.
And this unknown assassin took out the 35th president of the USA with a perfectly aimed shot, which blew a third of his brain away, and ended the age of the "new Camelot".
Some pertinent points and questions regarding the first Kennedy assassination:
(a) If Oswald was entirely innocent, as some have stated, why did he shoot officer Tippit? He was fleeing the scene, and was surely involved somewhere along the line. Lone assassins are usually boastful, proud of what they have done. Oswald was not. He denied everything.
(b) From his window in the TSBD, Oswald had a clear view of the presidential motorcade as it headed towards him along Houston Street. Why then did he wait until Kennedy's limo turned down Elm Street before starting to shoot? The only logical reason would be that he knew that Kennedy would be in a crossfire-killing zone on Elm Street.
(c) A motorist on the Stemmons Freeway overpass claims that he saw a man placing a rifle fitted with a telescopic sight into the trunk of his car parked on the overpass at approximately 12.35pm local time on 22/11/63. The motorist immediately called this in, but the Dallas Police Department telephone log has no record of this call.
(d) Many experts doubt the "single bullet" theory. Criminal pathologist Dr Cyril Wecht has called it "a ghastly lie perpetrated on the American people". The trajectory of the bullet is not consistent with the laws of ballistics. JFK and Governor Connally may well have been hit with two separate rounds, fired close together; which required two gunmen shooting from behind the motorcade.
(e) For precision killing at long range, the rifle is the deadliest and most effective weapon yet invented by man. Using a telescopic sight of 4X magnification, Oswald did not have to be anything more than a competent marksman to hit Kennedy with his first carefully aimed shot. Snipers know that their best shot is always their first.
(f) Jackie Kennedy never forgave Lyndon Johnson for insisting on taking his oath of office on Air Force One at Love Field in Dallas (2.35pm on 22 November). She was anxious to get away to Washington, yet Johnson waited for magistrate Sarah Hughes to arrive and take his oath. He told Jackie that Attorney General Robert Kennedy had called him and demanded that he do this. When Jackie later checked with Bob Kennedy, she was furious when he told her that he had made no such call. Johnson seemed determined to take his oath of office in Texas.
(g) Technically, Jackie Kennedy committed a crime in insisting that her husband's body be removed from Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, where the autopsy should have been performed according to state law.
(h) Did Lyndon Johnson have foreknowledge of what was to take place? Many people around him reported that in the hours leading up to the assassination, he seemed strangely preoccupied; and not his usual self. Normally outgoing and full of wisecracks, LBJ was taciturn and very quiet in the hours before 12.31pm (CST) on 22 November 1963.

(Research: 'The death of a President' by William Manchester', World Books, 1967; "The JFK Assassination', by Michael Griffith, 2001; 'Evidence of a headshot from the grassy knoll' by W Anthony Marsh, 1993).

Features

this month

regulars

stories

sports

golf

funnies

back issues