Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*THE WASHINGTON POST has asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter
and supply a new definition. Here are the winners for 2003: (a) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realise that it
was your money to start with.
(b) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. (c) Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. (The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little signs of breaking down in the near future). (d) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of getting laid.
(e) Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. (f) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted, very high. (g) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (h) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. (i) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
(j) Osteopornosis: A Degenerate disease. (k) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer, man. (l) Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only food and beverages that are good for you.
(m) Glibido: All talk and no action. (n) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly, sometimes under the effects of alcohol. (o) Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you have accidentally walked through a spider's web. (p) Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3am and cannot be cast out. (q) Caterpallor: The colour that your face turns into after you find half a grub in the fruit that your are currently eating.
*WHY IS Aussie sprinter Matt Shirvington unique in modern sport? He is the fastest white man alive, with a best time of 10.02 seconds for 100 metres in 1998. Yes, that's right - white men (male Caucasians) have yet to clock inside ten seconds for 100 metres with automatic (electrical) timing. The men who have broken "even time" (10 metres per second) are all of African or Caribbean descent. And the last white male Olympic 100 metres champion was Scotsman Allan Wells at Moscow back in 1980.
*THE PERKS of being over sixty (60) years old: (1) Kidnappers are not interested in you. (2) As a hostage you are likely to be released first. (3) No one expects you to run - anywhere. (4) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. (5) You can live without sex but not without glasses. (6) You can throw a party in your home and the neighbours will not even realise it.
*GEORGE PALLETT was a talented coach of young athletes in southeast London. After his active days, he became addicted to "roll-ups", and was rarely without a smoke. One midweek summer evening he was coaching pole vault to some young athletes at Tooting Bec Track. He had arrived straight from work in the city of London, and stood by the runway clad in his business suit as the athletes attempted to clear a bar set at 12 feet (3.66 metres). After a while, he became exasperated at their pathetic attempts, and decided to demonstrate. He seized the pole and running up, planted it expertly into the box, and soared upwards, clearing the bar easily. As he clambered out of the foam padded landing area, he demanded to know why everyone around was laughing. Holding back his mirth, one of the lads told him, "George, you just vaulted twelve feet in your business suit without even taking a lighted cigarette out of your mouth!"
*THIS IS an actual question given in a university physics examination: 'Is Hell Exothermic (gives off heat); or Endothermic (absorbs heat)'? Most of the students wrote of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, which involves gas cooling when it expands and heating when it is compressed, or some variant. One bright student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate that they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their 'caste' of 'clan', you will certainly go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that ALL souls go to Hell.
"With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This give us two possibilities: (1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose. (2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
"So which is it? If we accept the postulation given to me by Angela McDermott during my sixth form year, that 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having my evil way with her; then number 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." This student received the only 'A' awarded for this strange question.
*SPORTS QUOTES: "Of course the cue ball always go where I want it to. I brought it up and looked after it from the days when it was just a little white marble." American Pool star Earl ('The Pearl') Strickland.
"Van Der Saar! What a star!" (On a placard at the Arsenal v Fulham Premier League game at Highbury on Sunday 30 November 2003. Fulham Goalkeeper Van Der Saar made seven perfect saves in a 0-0 game. It was the first time in over two years that Arsenal had failed to score at home).
*"DICK CHENEY is the only reason that President Bush is alive. Assassins know that if they knock Bush off, then Cheney will become president. Bush is an arrogant, pious bigot, but Cheney is three times worse." (American Author Gore Vidal)
*GAY POKER is a new card game played in gay bars everywhere. Queens are wild and straights don't count.
*WHAT'S THE difference between a Scotsman and a canoe? A canoe sometimes tips.
*WHAT'S THE difference between a coconut and a Scotsman? You can get a drink out of a coconut.
*WHAT DO you call an attractive woman in Afghanistan? A tourist.
*PADDY RUSHED into his local bank and pointed a banana at the teller. "This is a Cock-Up!" He shouted.
"Don't you mean a Stick-Up?" asked the teller as he raised his hands.
"No", said Paddy. "It's definitely a Cock-Up. I left me gun at home."
*JOHNNY WEISMULLER (1904-1984) became famous for playing 'Tarzan' in several muscle movies, but he was also a genuine sports superstar, winning a total of five Olympic Swimming gold medals in 1924 (Paris) and 1928 (Amsterdam). The 1960 Olympic Pole Vault champion, Don Bragg (USA) also tried out for the role of Tarzan, but failed all his screen tests. Bragg was very keen to become the next Tarzan, but couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. To fail as Tarzan, you have to be BAD.
*THE IDIOTS guide to medical terms: Artery: The study of paintings. Bacteria: Back door to the cafeteria. Barium: What undertakers do. Caesarian section: A district of Rome. CAT scan: Searching for puss. Cauterise: Making eye contact with a female. Dilate: To live to a very old age. Enema: Somebody who's got it in for you. Labour pain: Off on Workers' Compensation. Morbid: A higher offer at an auction. Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate. Post operative: A person who carries the mail. Recovery room: Where they do upholstery. Rectum: Damn near killed 'em! Secretive: Hiding something. Tablet: A little table. Terminal illness: Getting sick at the train station or airport. Tumour: More than one more. Urine: Opposite to "You're out!"
*DID MARCO POLO really visit China in 1271? His famous book on his travels was written in 1298 and was packed with information about China, which was a mysterious continent to the western world. Polo states that he toured China with his father and uncle, who traded there, and also met the great ruler Kublai Khan. The latter was so impressed with the young Italian that he made him a special emissary to the far reaches of the Chinese Empire, which was vast. Polo finally returned to Venice in 1295, and wrote his book in his prison cell in Genoa. It was soon a very influential piece of work and a prime reference source on China for centuries. Christopher Columbus even took a copy with him on his historic journey to the Americas in 1492.
Polo's book also sparked legends that had Marco Polo revealing to Italians the secrets of spaghetti and ice cream making. Centuries later, scholars queried his fabled visit. Firstly, no reference has ever been found in extensive Chinese archives about him, as was the custom. Such a distinguished visitor from Italy would have been worthy of note. Secondly, it is odd that Marco failed to find or memorise any Chinese or Mongol place names during his 17 years in China. He also never mentioned seeing woodblock printing, then unknown in Europe but flourishing in China, and he never commented on the habit of tea drinking, though he discussed the varieties of Chinese wines. He also never wrote about the Chinese custom of foot binding, make no note of chopsticks, and seems to have completely missed seeing the Great Wall. The Chinese were very proud of the latter, and surely would not have failed to show it to such a distinguished European visitor.
Scholars now theorise that Marco Polo never got further than his family's trading posts on the Black Sea, but once there had access to Persian and Arabic guidebooks on China from which he was able to piece together his famous written work. His inspiration may have been to meet a growing demand for geographies and travel knowledge in the later Middle Ages in Europe.
And, no, he did not invent the "polo mint" either!

Holiday Laughter

Trying to tan in the altogether may be the stuff of private dreams. But location is everything, an ardent traveler named Joan spent most of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a swimsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly started when she heard someone running up the stairs; Joan was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss,' said the flustered hotel manager, out of breath from dashing up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the manager. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

***

A lady aboard a cruise ship was not impressed by the jazz trio in one of the shipboard restaurants. When her waiter came around, she asked, "Will they play anything I ask?"
"Of course!" replied the waiter.
"Then tell them to go play chess!"

***

Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to me to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."
***
On the beach a man appeals to a lady: "Madam, your child has dug my shirt in the sand!" The woman doesn't pay any attention at all.
Man: "Madam, your child has dug my shirt in the sand!!!"
Lady: "It's not my child. My child is washing cherries in your cap".

***

A guy on the beach just can't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he goes over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"It's obvious dude," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing baggy old swim trunks that make you look like an old man, they're years outta style. Go get yourself a pair of these spandex Speedos -- about two sizes too small -- and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. You'll have all the chicks you want!"
The following weekend, the guy hits the beach in his tight Speedos with the fist-sized potato and...for cryin' out loud! -- it's worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So the guy goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him:
"What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!"

***

Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a women in a bikini goes by!

***

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only", and they go in.
The bouncer explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and they realize that there is still one floor left. They head on up to the fifth floor.
On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here... and there is no way to please a woman."

***

Man to Ticket Agent: “I want to buy a plane ticket for Norwald.... for a vacation, you know...!”
Ticket Agent, searching book: "Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map. Just where is Norwald anyway?"
Man: “Over there. He's my brother!”

***

For his vacation on the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Noo," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

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