Jokes and Stories from this months issue.

*HOW MANY of you old Bangkok hands recall the old Thermae Coffee House on the corner of Sukhumvit Road, soi 13? It was a very handy meeting spot if you were staying at the Miami Hotel further down the soi. One of the world's weirdest singles bars, the place just buzzed with atmosphere. It was downstairs, underneath the Thermae Turkish Massage Parlour, and after midnight, entrance was through the toilets at the back of the building. Things really got interesting from midnight till around 5am, when a mass of bizarre humanity would gather to drink, eat and gossip away the wee hours. Here was the place for discerning world travellers to explore the seedy underbelly of Bangkok The only people denied entrance were katoeys (transvestites) which was fine by most of us. Then, suddenly the management moved the Thermae around the corner to soi 15 - and killed it stone dead. Entrance was upstairs into a long room with a central, S-shaped bar with almost no seating. Beer prices soared from 55 to 85 baht served by old crones who snarled with rage if you did not tip them 15 baht to bring the suds over to you. Thermae, which was a dive to begin with, sadly took another dive - for the worst.
*'COMPLAINTS ABOUT the Communist threat in Singapore have a hollow ring these days. One commentator noted that anyone planning a Marxist revolution in the city state would have to ensure that they provided plenty of parking space for the BMWs, Hondas and Mercedes belonging to the downtrodden masses.' (From Lonely Planet's guide to Singapore).
*QUOTE: "Damn fine fellows in Ordinance, but dash it all - a powder monkey's a powder monkey, ain't he?!" (Harry Flashman in George Macdonald Fraser's novels).
MOVIE EXCHANGES: "You're in one hell of a fix, Mr President." (Air Marshal Curtis Le May)
"Oh? Perhaps you haven't noticed, but you're in it with me." (President John F Kennedy)
(The above exchange was in 'Thirteen Days', 2002).
"Physical beauty is not everything." (Emory/Cliff Gorman) "Thank you, Quosimodo." (Michael/Kenneth Nelson). ('Boys in the Band', 1970).
*LATVIAN POLICE said that a drunk picked up with around twice the blood alcohol level considered deadly had probably set a world record. The unidentified middle-aged man was unconscious but stable after a blood test showed 7.22 parts per million of alcohol, police spokesman Ieva Zvidre stated. An average person would vomit at around 1.2, lose consciousness at 3.0 and stop breathing at a level of about 4.0 parts per million, Zvidre said, adding, "This is one for The Guinness Book of Records". Emergency ward head Martin Sics said there was no record of anybody having survived such a dose, even in neighbouring Russia which takes pride in its vodka-guzzling traditions. "When this guy finally wakes up, he is also going to have a world record hangover", added Mr Sics. (New Straits Times).
QUIZ QUESTION: There have been 42 American Presidents since 1789, so why is George Walker Bush (Junior) the 43rd one? Answer: because Grover Cleveland had two separate terms of office: in 1885 to1889 and then again from 1893 to 1897. He was thus the 22nd and 24th American President. Cleveland is the only man thus far to win the Presidency, lose it (to Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893) and then regain it. Eight American presidents have died in office, four by assassination. Two - Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) and Richard Nixon (1969-74) resigned.
The most famous US presidents are George Washington (1789-1797), Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809), Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865), Ulysses S Grant (1869-1877), Theodore (Teddy) Roosevelt (1901-1909), Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1933-1945), Dwight Eisenhower (1953-1961), John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1961-1963), and William Jefferson (Bill) Clinton (1989-2001). Two have become so famous that they can be recognised simply by their initials - FDR and JFK. The former had the longest ever term (12 years) in office, due to the emergencies of World War 11. He died in office in April 1945 just before the end of the war in Europe and was succeeded by Harry S Truman who won the 1948 general election and served on until January 1953.
Eisenhower was supreme commander of allied forces during World War 2, and Kennedy, a war hero in the Pacific, has become famous because of the dramatic manner of his assassination, ten years later. The only unelected president was Gerry Ford (1974-1977) who stepped in when Nixon resigned over the Watergate scandal. Oddly enough, he had also taken over as vice-president in 1973 when Spiro Agnew resigned due to media pressure regarding his own misdeeds. Ford is also the only surviving member of the Warren Commission assigned to investigate the assassination of JFK in 1963. (He reached the grand old age of 90 in 2003). The USA enjoyed a new age of prosperity under Bill Clinton, but he came close to being impeached due to his infamous affair with an unpaid White House staffer named Monica Lewinsky. But then you already know all that tacky stuff. Note that American media refer to the vice president as "the Veep". Here ends today's lesson on American political history.
*SICK SIGN of the month: "We fry 'em to order here. Regular or extra crispy?" (Sign above the electric chair in Alabama State Penitentiary).
*BEST EVER vampire movie sub-text: "Sleep all day. Party all night. It's fun to be a vampire." (From 'The Lost Boys', 1987. Directed by Joel Schumacher, and starring Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric as Bon Jovi style teenage vampires).
*'THE LORD of the Rings 3 (The Return of The King)' was released in December 2003 and grossed an amazing 246 million dollars in its first five days in cinemas in the USA. Thailand had it early too. Shot in Wellington, New Zealand, the plot is incomprehensible to those who have not seen previous flicks in the series, and the dialogue is often pretentious, just as I found J R R Tolkien's novels when I read them many years ago. It's also overblown and overlong (210 minutes), but worth seeing for the incredible special effects and spectacular scenery. The battle scenes between the Orcs and the Humans, assisted by some Hobbits and Elves, are simply awesome. Don't wait to see it on DVD, watch it on a big screen if you can, so that you can absorb the full impact of being right in the middle of the action. Take a leak before the show - there is no intermission. Ensure that the children have plenty of popcorn and coke. Be aware that youngsters under 12 may find some scenes disturbing. This is not a pre-teen movie.
*ONE OF the great unsung heroes of modern sport was Canadian sprinter Harry Jerome. Coach Charlie Francis, himself a 1972 Olympian, writes: "Jerome was a freak of nature, an aberration. You could say that he was one of the greatest sprinters ever produced by Canada, except that Canada had nothing to do with it. He competed years before Sport Canada was established, at a time when his country provided its athletes with neither financial help nor technical support. Born in 1940, the son of a Saskatchewan railway porter, Jerome showed just how far a fast man could go it alone.
"Jerome was unknown outside Canada when he tied the world 100 metres record at ten seconds flat in 1960, as a 20-year-old freshman at the University of Oregon. He was an inexperienced kid, not nearly ready to face the best veteran sprinters in the world. But the press anointed him as the nation's great hope to win a gold medal at the 1960 Olympics in Rome. He was sent there in September, after a summer in Canada without coaching or high-level competition. But Jerome was good, and too young to know his limits. He was leading his semi-final when his lack of preparation betrayed him. He pulled a hamstring and limped to a stop as the others roared past.
"He discovered that a star disappoints the Canadian public at his peril. Long after Rome, Jerome was dogged by the press as a "choker". But he overcame this abuse to notch three more world records over the next two years, and in 1962 was ranked first in the world over 200 metres/220 yards. He also became one of only two men ever to beat the brilliant Bob Hayes in the 100. In the fall of 1962, after another wasted summer in Canada, Jerome travelled to the Commonwealth Games in Perth, Western Australia. He was moving full bore in the 100 yards final when his spikes ripped away from his right shoe. He hyper-extended his leg and ruptured his quadriceps, the set of muscles at the front of the thigh; and a tendon was torn away from the knee joint. Jerome landed in surgery and was still in hospital when he came across a Vancouver newspaper. He was reduced to tears by the headline: 'JEROME QUITS AGAIN'.
"The Games at Perth should have marked the end of his career (his injured thigh would always be more than an inch smaller around than his other one) but Jerome fought back once more. Though he would never run as powerfully again, he improved his start and worked his way back to the top. He took the bronze medal in the 100 metres at the 1964 Tokyo Olympics; became the last Commonwealth Games 100 yards champion in 1966 at Kingston, Jamaica (the games went metric in 1970), and won the Pan American Games 100 metres title in 1967. He also yet another world record for 100 yards. Jerome remained world-ranked at 100 metres from 1960 through to 1968, a rare feat of longevity.
"For all his accomplishments, however, Jerome remained a voice in the wilderness. By advocating public financing for athletes, he alienated a sports establishment content to emulate Britain's upper-class amateur tradition. By the time Canada came to accept his ideas, Jerome was a sick man. He died of a brain lesion in 1982 at the age of 42". ('Speed Trap', By Charlie Francis & Jeff Coplon, Grafton Books, 1990).
*QUOTE: "Politicians are like a bunch of bananas. They start off green, quickly turn yellow, and there's not a straight one in the whole bunch." (British comedian Ben Elton).
*TV EXCHANGE: "Can you believe this Frasier? Has Rebecca finally gone beyond looney?" (Sam Malone/Ted Danson).
"Sam, everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to 'Beyond Looney'!" (Frasier Crane/Kelsey Grammer in 'Cheers').
*WHAT DO you call ten accountants buried up to their necks in sand? Soccer practice.
*VASILY ZAITSEV was one of the greatest snipers in history. He killed over 200 German army officers during the savage battle of Stalingrad in 1942-43. Most of these men died instantly from a single shot to the head, as Zaitsev's 7.62mm armour-piercing rounds punched through their steel helmets. Had he done this in peacetime, he'd have been condemned as a serial killer and executed by the state. But because Russia was at war with Germany, he was only doing his duty, and was showered with medals and declared a national hero. His rifle, fitted with telescopic sighting, is on display at the national war museum in Moscow. Hollywood incongruously even made a movie about him, ('Enemy at the Gates', 2001) starring Jude Law as the ace marksman. It's a well-made, exciting flick, memorable for Bob Hoskins' wonderful performance as Nikita Kruschev (1894-1971) who was tasked with the defence of Stalingrad by Soviet Premier Joseph Stalin (1879-1953). It is certainly true that the salvation or destruction of the ruined city was a deadly point of personal honour between Stalin and the Austrian-born German dictator Adolf Hitler (1889-1945). Zatisev's deadly accurate sniping had a very damaging psychological effect on German troops besieging the city. In the movie, the Germans are forced to bring in their own sharpshooter, Major Koenig (Ed Harris) to deal with him. A tense, deadly stalking game of cat and mouse then ensues between the two expert riflemen. It's also a classic class struggle: a simple young shepherd boy from the Uruals against an aristocratic German officer who hunts for pleasure. This part of the story is pure screenwriter's fiction, of course.
*HOLLYWOOD GREAT Robert Duvall had a memorable role as 'Colonel Kilgore' in Francis Ford Cupola's flawed 1979 masterpiece, 'Apocalypse Now'. Duvall was cast as 'Colonel Kilgore', a swashbuckling commander of an air cavalry division who was also a surfing freak. "I like to finish operations early, so that my men can get in some surfing", he tells the central character, 'Captain Willard' (Martin Sheen). One line by 'Kilgore' became a classic - when warned about a hazardous delta his men are about to attack the next morning ("That's a really hairy place, sir. It's Charlie's point.") Kilgore snarls back, "Charlie don't surf!" The phrase soon became a buzzword among California's hip community. Surfer dropouts on Venice Beach wore T-shirts bearing the satanic image of killer Charlie Manson (condemned to death for mass murder in 1969), with the legend CHARLIE DON'T SURF! underneath. It was a very clever in-joke that only film buffs would understand. (Note: 'Charlie' is 'Victor Charlie' as in 'VC', the American military term for Viet Cong insurgents during the Vietnam conflict, 1965-1975). Kilgore/Duvall's other one liners that have gone down in movie history were: "Bomb them into the Stone Age, son!" (Actually a quote by Air Marshall Curtis Le May), and "I love the smell of napalm in the morning." (Origin unknown).
*WHEN THE Americans dug up the former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein last December, his haunted and haggard figure was triumphantly displayed on TV screens worldwide. And when he was shaved and scrubbed, he emerged looking - well, like the world famous Italian tenor Luciano Pavarotti, no less. Can this be true? Is Pavarotti actually Saddam Hussein? Is this why we never see the two of them together? I think we should be told.
*ULTIMATE TRIVIA: If Heinz tomato ketchup moves out of the bottle any faster than 0.028 mph, the company rejects it. That's the critical requirement. Interesting, yes? ("No!" I hear you say).
davidcox@loxinfo.co.th

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